Archive for April, 2013

I don’t normally blog twice a day anymore, but I had a point I really wanted to make right away.

There are things like this all over Twitter. Here’s the basic idea-
“Tim Tebow has been criticized for his allegiance to God and Christianity, while Jason Collins is praised for coming out as being gay.” Lots of people are confused about this.

Here’s the difference:

When Tim Tebow is on the field, he brings God into. He squats down, prays, and he points up to the sky after each touchdown. In every interview he brings up his religion. If every time Jason Collins scored a basket* or made a rebound he fell to his knees and mimed having sex with a man then it would be the same thing. I doubt at any point during an interview Jason Collins will thank the biker from The Village People then begin singing “Macho Man.” If he does, it is the same thing. Tebow is mocked because he brings it upon himself. He overexposes his lifestyle that has nothing to do with sports. When you do ANYTHING on the field it is open to criticism. Tebow is not mocked for being a Christian. Tebow is mocked for being a showboating over-hyped fullback who somehow tricked us into thinking he was a quarterback.

Caring one bit about what any player does in their personal life is silly because most athletes are jerks. Ray Lewis helped cover up a murder, Michael Vick killed dogs (and only served time for conspiracy, not actual killing), Dany Heatley was given 3 years PROBATION for vehicular homicide when he KILLED a teammate, Mike Tyson was convicted of raping a woman and he gets paid money to make cameos in movies, and of course many more.

If a porn addict spends all of his free time looking at porn a lot of us might think he’s weird, the same way it’s okay for us to think a Christian or a homosexual is weird. But when the porn addict brings that part of his life to his job then he is open to criticism and punishment by his employer which in the case of sports is management and the fans. People have every right to think Jason Collins’s lifestyle is wrong the same way I have every right to think people who waste their lives judging other people for stupid reasons is wrong. Chances are there have been many other professional athletes who were gay over the years. I’m not sure why it matters at all. Once the initial shock wears off then I think people will settle down.

This is a battle between “Christians” and “homosexuals.” I put them in quotes because I hate whenever anyone labels themselves as anything more than who they are above anything else. Why would anyone care what a basketball player they had never heard of until yesterday does with his life? I’d go further, but that’s not the point. The point is there is a difference between Tim Tebow and Jason Collins.

Jason-Collins-is-gay.-Image-via-@SInow

 

*If Jason Collins actually does make a basket (and I don’t mean like crocheting a wicker one since he’s gay and that’s all he’ll do now) I think he has the right to do whatever he wants. He hasn’t averaged more than 3 points per game since the 2005-2006 season. Simply put, he’s no threat to anybody.

Hey white people. There is this director named Spike Lee. He’s that black guy who sits in the front row at Knicks games. He made a movie that came out in 2002 that can actually isn’t too anti-Caucasian. In it is a legendary speech by Edward Norton where he talks about everything he hates. I warn you this speech is not safe for work, unless you work for “Al-Ki-Ehh-Da.” Pay attention and you may get that.

So I thought why not write my own 25th Hour speech? It seems so liberating to get it all out. Just to have the chance to say fuck you to everyone who makes your blood boil sounds beautiful. And here it is, my 25th Hour speech, typed out because it’s tough for me to look at angry as Edward Norton. Imagine me saying this with a strange Edward Norton accent and you’ll appreciate it:

Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you and everyone in this god damn world.

Fuck neighbors who think they actually own the property they live in. They throw parties and think just because they pay rent they have the right to be as loud as they want. They spend their days screaming at each other and their nights blasting music and the television. You only can’t hear it now because you spent your entire life doing it. Did you hear me you deaf asshole? Shut the fuck up.

Fuck college kids and their complaints about life. While you were off experimenting for four years, the less fortunate people your age in this world were seeking tenure at their pennies a day jobs. Just because you have a degree does not mean you will get a job so quick you occupying Wall Street shit. You own an iPhone. Maybe money would not be such a concern for you if you didn’t spent half your income on beer and weed every Saturday night before heading off to see some shitty hipster band doing covers of lousy pop music.

COLLEGE-KIDS

Fuck the hipsters. You’re not fooling anyone. Your game of pity will only work so long. You spend more time trying to make yourself look accidentally ugly than you do realizing you’re not so special. You may wake up in the morning thinking you’re different and artistic, but you’re not. You’re a motherfucking following sheep. Glasses may make a person look smart or interesting but the second you open your mouth to speak we’ll all know you’re as shallow as that bowl of low-fat hummus you love to post pictures of on Facebook.

Fuck Facebook. Everyone on it uses it to brag when they actually accomplish shit and when they aren’t doing that it’s always an attempt at sympathy. Your day didn’t go the way you wanted it to? Welcome to something called life. Fuck your memes, your vacation pictures, and your haphazardly put together social agendas. You’re not going to change the world using the same form of social media a pedophile uses to jerk off to pictures of young girls.

Mark-Zuckerberg_5

Speaking of the pedophiles, fuck these phony religious folk who go around praising “His” name only to go home and molest their children, beat their wives, and do the complete opposite of what their favorite book tells them to. Furthermore, fuck the atheists who think their belief is the right way. You’re just as stubborn as everyone else and more than likely wasting your time as much as the Bible thumpers. Live by example and keep your opinions to yourself.

Fuck millionaire athletes and their giant homes and their model wives. They treat the fans like shit and they have everything. Does modesty mean anything to these guys? Sign an autograph, flash a smile, and hustle. That’s all we ask. And don’t get on Twitter bitching and complaining about anything other than not having enough charities to give your money to.

FBN:  Bengals vs. Chiefs October 14, 2007

Fuck the debate on gay marriage, both sides. If all of the money spent on the rallies, posters, and all of the other fundraisers by both groups was used on something else we could have one less problem in the world. While members of the pro-gay marriage camp are arguing with the stick up the ass Conservatives, down the street a kid who will never even grow up to know what gender he wants to fuck is dying of cancer in a hospital bed. Come together, stop your fighting, and concentrate on something more important, life.

Fuck corporate loyalty. You can work at a job forever and put all of your effort in and when you ask for one favor they give you a big fat middle finger. You’re nameless and faceless to them. When you bent over backwards to help out they took it as an invite to fuck you over. At least when the economy is shit we can always hope the CEO solves the problems with a shotgun blast to the head. Put your hands together and pray with me.

Fuck every politician out there from Barack Obama to those dickhole dictators overseas. How could we ever be so stupid and think any of these people give a fuck about us? So fuck us all for rallying behind false hope. And fuck those dictators for being such egomaniacs the only way they can prove they have a big dick is by threatening to kill the defenseless. Just because your dad was an asshole doesn’t mean you have to be you big fat loser.

Kim Jong Un

Fuck the Jersey Shore wannabes who spend more time sculpting their hair and abs than they do sculpting a personality. Fuck reality stars whose only enjoyable quality is they’re willing to get dicked on camera. Fuck Hollywood for recycling ideas and pulling wool over our eyes, making us think for once a movie will be worth the $15 it costs.

Fuck the banks for not being human. Fuck the housing market for not being able to get their shit together. Fuck girls who string along guys only to use them when they need favors without ever having more intent than using him as a ride. And fuck those guys for being such damn pussies they can’t stand up for themselves then whine about nice guys finishing last. Nice guys don’t finish last, bystanders do.

Fuck the American dream. We’re all told growing up that we are equal and we can be whatever we want to be. It’s as true as Santa Claus. Who you know, who you’re willing to fuck, and who you’re willing to fuck over are what matter, nothing else. To get that home with a picket fence and to have a family who actually gives a shit about you, be prepared to hurt others. It is the only way to get what you want.

american-dream-over

No. Fuck us all. Fuck us all for putting up with this shit and never doing anything about it.

Well that felt good.

I totally forgot, but thanks to WordPress something popped up congratulating me on my two-year anniversary with the site. I’m getting praise for essentially not knowing how to delete this thing. Not that I plan to delete it or anything. I have way too much greatness here.

So what’s there to say? I’m not sure. Here’s a list of ten things about this blog because I feel like I’m cheating you (wasting less of your time) by not doing more.

1) My first blog follower ever was this guy. He still blogs sometimes which is pretty unique. I remember it was September 2011 before I figured out how to navigate WordPress and comment on other blogs. I was sitting in a hotel I wasn’t staying at stealing the Internet when morning when I found his blog and left a comment. It was something about kids get coddled when playing sports.

2) My favorite blog post anyone else has ever done was this one. Has it been six months already? Wow. The post was probably the best thing to happen on my birthday.

3) My most commented blog post that wasn’t Blog Award related or the Opening Credits I have on my home page when I announced the availability of my first ever book. If you remember correctly, I hyped it up for a month leaving clues and making people think I had gone crazy. I had people in real life come up to me asking if I was all right since I had claimed the world would come to an end on August 9th. Although I may not be an award-winning writer, it’s great to know I can actually pull off writing a full novel and people will pay money for it. The next one comes out in like a week and a half and I’m excited for the first person to buy it complaining that they bought the wrong thing.

4) I’ve somehow managed to in two years become friendly with several bloggers. I write a blog with one of them, I almost met one in person, and a third has the distinction of being the only blogger to have seen what my knees look like. I’ll tag the rest of you somewhere else below so quit complaining. This is poetic.

5) I’ve learned what it’s like to be a great mother of a newborn child and how to be a great mother twice with two newborn daughters. All great mothers of course have people they look up to. When in doubt they can always turn here or if that doesn’t work they can go here. Here also knows a lot about the American Revolution so if you need help on that topic like I did, that’s the place.

6) When I first started blogging I thought it was to become famous and successful and rich and powerful and dictatorshipish. I soon came to learn it’s not about that. Blogging is about asking for help with art, it’s about giving and receiving advice on life and realizing others have been through the same as you, and it’s about whatever this guy taught me.

7) I’ve met people who have written their own books like this guy and this guy  and this girl and this girl. There’s an abundance of creativity everywhere here on WordPress. Some people create amazing music.

8) I didn’t want this to be sentimental or anything, but I hate leaving people out and I’m procrastinating on doing something more important than blogging. What’s more important than blogging? Right now it’s writing out a character list for another shitty TV Pilot I’m putting together. Bleh I make myself sick with my “struggling artist” attitude.

9) So what has changed in the last two years? I think I can bench press like 10 pounds more than at the start. That’s something I should be proud of, right? I’ve convinced myself I’m a better and more relatable writer, but who knows? My personal life has changed drastically. For better or for worse, it’s death til us part. I’m still waiting for something really great to happen. I’ll know sometime mid-summer the results of several writing contests I have entered/will be entering. Could it change everything? After all, keeping up with this blog helped me feel motivated in other aspects even when I didn’t feel much like blogging. What the hell am I talking about? And why is there no link in number 9 and there are some everywhere else? This really bugs me.

10) I’m not going to put a link here either so 9 isn’t so alone. I also don’t have anything to say here other than thanks for two years. Whether you come by often, sometimes, or never make your presence known, thank you for existing. Now to head out to the store and grab some Tampax because I seem to need them.

tampax

(This looks exactly like the box to my Britta water filters. I guarantee someone has made that mistake)

One of the few subjects I didn’t mind in school was history. History is fun to learn about because it’s 25% Nazis, 25% Aliens, 25% Bible/Vikings, 25% Ice Road Truckers. I had some lousy history teachers though and it kind of ruined what could have been an enjoyable learning experience.

I’ll start with the dumbest thing anyone told me. My 8th grade history teacher was a crazy woman named Mrs. Chernoski whom I have mentioned before at some point I’m sure. She would dress up in character and do dumb voices then try to be relatable. I never bought into her bullshit. She tried getting me to fill up her vase with water once while I was doing homework during study hall. I told her no and we argued. I absolutely hate flowers. I would do anything to make sure they died of dehydration. I would have done the same for Mrs. Chernoski. She was annoying and still to this day when I see a child crying I know she is somehow responsible.

Baby crying

(Chernoski was here)

The fact Chernoski told me that was untrue was that Abraham Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater located in Pennsylvania. I’m not sure if she was becoming senile or she really thought this was true. The whole class thought it was true. Then we brought it up on a field trip and Mrs. Chernoski was killed by firing squad for being a lousy human being. Or so I wish.

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=ford’s+theater&rlz=1C1AVSX_enUS418US418&aq=f&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&sa=N&tab=wl

(In case you are interested in where Ford’s Theater is and are too lazy to look it up)

Another strange thing a history teacher told the class happened a year after the Anthrax mailings that occurred post-9/11. The post office they were mailed from was our town’s local post office so it was a trendy thing to talk about. He told us he had a former student whose dad worked for the FBI, not the Federal Booty Inspection. He told her classified information. Daddy told daughter that the government found the Anthrax mailer and he was locked up. He was a scientist from Maryland who drove up to New Jersey to mail his weapon. I don’t know how much of this is true. The same teacher also spent an entire week talking about how cool Rasputin was. It was the story that got him into history. It was also the story he told us that I think ended up getting him fired before Christmas.

ANTHRAX

(I don’t get why everyone freaked. Mailing someone a thrash metal band doesn’t seem like a big deal to me)

I had another history teacher who was intelligent enough other than for the fact he told the class he voted for Condoleeza Rice. Could there be anyone in the world who would have been less qualified to be president? Even Osama Bin Laden seems like a guy who could get the job done better. Well, not now. He’s in Davey Jones’s locker. Did I really just use the phrase “Davey Jones’s locker” and use it properly? I have never felt cooler.

Finally the original inspiration for this piece and inspired by a WordPress conversation, the worst thing a history teacher has ever told me.

It was sometime in elementary school when this happened. I don’t remember which teacher it was, but I know it happened. A teacher very nonchalantly told the class that Asian people have small eyes because many centuries ago when humans were nomadic that they had to travel through the deserts in Asia and sand blew up into their eyes. They had to squint to protect themselves from the sand and evolution happened. This is similar to how in kindergarten my teacher told us that Q’s are O’s who would stick their tongues out at others and they did it so much it got stuck that way.

Curious for the right answer I found this the real reason why Asians appear to have smaller eyes. “For the sake of answering, we will skip the fact that the illusion of “smaller” eyes largely applies to just EAST Asians, and not the many other peoples such as Iranians, Indians, Arabs, etc. East Asians don’t really have “tiny” eyes; it is really the same size as non-East Asians. They simply have a patch of extra skin (called an epithelial fold) above their eyes, because that sort of thing combats the extreme cold and fierce winds of Tibet, where the ancestors of East Asians lived for many tens of thousands of years before migrating down into warmer places. Since the epithelial fold is a part of their DNA, it stayed, even though the need for it no longer exists for all Asians but the Tibetans.” – Wiki Answers

I really wish I knew which teacher this was because I would love to get in touch and ask her why black people are so dark, why Mongolians look so retarded, and why Japanese vaginas are so crooked. And when I say crooked I don’t mean like a vagina who takes bribes from criminals to look the other way. Although, she might think they do that too.

serpico

(They should really make a sequel to Serpico where he tries to take down a dirty crooked vagina. Or don’t. That’s just silly)

What’s a lie/something stupid a teacher has told you?

Please, for those of you who read the title and thought it was “Breaking Dawn Song Lyrics” exit immediately. This has nothing to do with vampires. This has something to do with a much more evil creature, the band Nickelback. I ended up not posting something I wrote about the song New Age Girl and how it’s all about blow jobs because it seemed like it would eliminate too much of my female readers. All it really comes down to is “she don’t eat meat but she sure like the bone” and the girl in the song, Mary Moon, thinks she is too good to “eat meat.” Seriously, I wrote way too much on the topic. You can thank me for not making you feel uncomfortable.

Forever there has been the one song by Nickelback that I have continuously felt like vomiting every time I heard it. I am of course talking about Nickelback’s song Photograph. We all hate this band, but have any of us ever really taken the time to break down the lyrics? I’m sure someone has. This is my turn. You can find my snarky remarks in ellipses beside these nauseating lyrics.

Look at this photograph (Why? Your whole band is ugly. Don’t start a song off being so demanding)

Every time I do it makes me laugh (So you’re suggesting humor to me now? You’re a dumb Canadian band. The last comedian you produced was Rick Moranis and he retired after his wife died)

How did our eyes get so red? (A lot of older photographs give people red eye. Or possibly you were on the marijuana)

And what the hell is on Joey’s head? (If Joey has any musical taste it’s not a pair of headphones listening to this song)

This is where I grew up (Ya don’t say…)

I think the present owner fixed it up (Wow, terrible lyrics. I hope the new family has sex where you had all these fond childhood memories)

I never knew we ever went without

The second floor is hard for sneakin’ out (These two lines don’t really mean anything other than he had strict parents I guess? I’m not sure. Too bad he didn’t fall out of that second floor window on his way to an ugly person party)

And this is where I went to school (Ya don’t say…)

Most of the time I had better things to do (I hope you don’t mean making music)

Criminal record says I broke in twice

I must of done it half a dozen times (He’s bragging about breaking into school immediately after saying he had better things to do. This guy is confusing. And why brag about only getting away with it 66% of the time?)

I wonder if it’s too late (To shut off this song?)

Should I go back and try to graduate? (Yes, please do. Become a plumber. Your lyrics are shit. You seem a natural)

Lot’s better now than it was back then

If I was them, I wouldn’t let me in (What’s better than back then? It’s not your hair. The fact you get Sum41’s sloppy seconds?)

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, God, I (Did he just orgasm?)

[Chorus]

Every memory of lookin’ out the back door (He has to look out the door because none of the kids want to invite him out to play)

I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor (Upload those pictures onto a computer you asshole)

It’s hard to say it

Time to say it

Good bye, good bye (You haven’t been there for years. You escaped long ago. This shouldn’t be hard)

Every memory of walkin’ out the front door (Walking out the front door because your parents don’t want you around anymore. I bet Nickelback guy would play music really loud in the basement until they finally kicked him out)

I found the photo of the friend I was lookin’ for (You sick bastard. He was looking for a picture of a child. I really hope it wasn’t a girl. He probably wanted to brag about an old girlfriend he slept with)

It’s hard to say it

Time to say it

Good bye, good bye, good bye

Remember the old arcade? (Yeah, it was the one place we didn’t have to listen to you reminisce about bullshit)

Blew every dollar that we ever made (I’m sure that’s not the only thing you blew to get a musical career)

The cops hated us hangin’ out (Yeah because your music was annoying and everyone complained)

They said somebody went and burnt it down (I bet the cops burnt it down hoping you were inside)

We use to listen to the radio

And sing along with every song we know (Were they as bad as this?)

We said someday we’d find out how it feels

To sing to more than just a steering wheel (Too bad he didn’t mean a shotgun barrel)

Kim’s the first girl I kissed (And then Kim became a lesbian)

I was so nervous that I nearly missed (No, she was trying to get away)

She’s had a couple of kids since then (And lucky for her they don’t have Chad Kroeger genetics)

I haven’t seen her since God knows when (I really hope God has more important things than keeping track of when you last saw your dumb girlfriends)

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, God, I (Eww he did it again)

[Chorus]

I miss that town (None of them miss you)

I miss their faces (That’s a creepy thing to say)

You can’t erase (This song from my memory?)

You can’t replace it (I think he’s referencing how the rest of the band wanted to replace the lead singer)

I miss it now

I can’t believe it

So hard to stay

Too hard to leave it (Shut up you damn townie and go somewhere new)

If I could relive those days

I know the one thing that would never change (People’s hatred for you?)

[Chorus]

Look at this photograph (I’m looking damn it…)

Every time I do it makes me laugh (It makes you laugh? You just wrote a song about how miserable you are)

Every time I do it makes me (He didn’t finish…he didn’t finish writing his stupid song. What a lazy bastard. Who ends a song on an unfinished thought?)

Boo!

Nickelback-nickelback-25842778-1024-768

I am in need of some simple help. I am contributing to a new website, a website so new it doesn’t even exist quite yet. Part of the site is submission based/audience participation/whatever you want to call it. The woman in charge is putting a lot of effort into it, like actually buying the domain, so I have a lot of faith that it will at least be worthwhile in some form. So I come to you guys for help on this. What we need are submissions for the following:

Title – Dating
What We’re Looking For – Your craziest dating experience

This is pretty self-explanatory and I know we all have some great ones.

Title – Double Dare
What We’re Looking For – We want you to double dare us to do anything – something you’d like to see!

Does this one not make sense to you? This one is pretty clear as well. Why did I feel like I needed to explain?

Title – StoryTime

What We’re Looking For – We are collecting stories about a time you were overly confident about something that didn’t go exactly as planned

For instance, how we all created our blogs thinking we would be rich and famous by now and none of us are. We want better than that though.

dewey defeats truman

Title – Love & Sex

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – ask us ANYTHING – but ONLY if you are ready for brutally honest answers

This is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be smarter.

Title – Eavesdropping

What We’re Looking For – We want to hear about crazy or fascinating things you’ve overheard on the streets, in a restaurant, etc.

This is pretty easy, no? Who isn’t hearing people say stupid shit all the time? Come on I know you have some good ones!

Title – Deep Thoughts

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – blow our minds… in a few sentences or less.

I guess an amazing fact would work here? I’m not sure. Answering this question would blow my mind.

So if you can help out you can either answer in the comments or send me an email if it’s long or more private at timboyle109@yahoo.com or Facebook me if we gossip there sometimes.

There are no limits to what you answer, how much you answer, and you can put as many into one category as you want. If the site is successful I will definitely come up with some ideas where if you are interested that you can contribute your own written pieces to.

That’s all. Thanks and hopefully a few people can contribute before I have to solicit you.

When a young kid is dirty you give them a bath. You wash off the mud from their face and use a plastic fork to dig out the crayon from their anus. Things are so simple until kids hit puberty. You can’t go around touching naked puberty kids. They have to do those things themselves. But as teenagers will do, they hate authority. They spit on it then masturbate all over it because that’s all teenagers do. They spit and masturbate. Sometimes they combine the two. This is called spitsurbation. Nobody finds it pleasurable. There’s no reason it should continue.

I was craving an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts one day. I had only had one maybe twice ever before and enjoyed it. I don’t like drinking coffee because I’m energetic enough and the taste does nothing for me. Ice coffee is different though. It’s like drinking the prom queen’s blood. It’s delicious and I know it will be my next addiction.

IcedCoffee-b

(I literally am going to go outside and get one now just because this picture turned me on so much)

The closest Dunkin Donuts to me is only a quick four block walk. I put on some pants, slapped on my shoes, slid into my jacket, and headed out the door. My first stop was to throw my garbage into the dumpster which is never fine. I always end up having to touch some strange mold. The worst thing about touching strange mold is then I feel like I can’t pick my nose until I get a chance to wash my hands. After that I went to the mailbox and paid some bills. Growing up is fun because you know death is getting closer with each day.

I got to the Dunkin Donuts fine. My first danger was only a block away when I saw the street was covered in trash and teenagers. Teenagers scare the shit out of me. They look at me now like I’m some old man, but to me I’m still a fat little boy none of them want to be friends with.

The first teenagers I saw were formed in four packs. Six of them were loud and kicking the garbage around. Soccer is pretty big in my town so it made sense they would have Fifa Fever. Another pack stood petting a dog. I felt bad for the dog. The third group was a guy on a bike riding in circles because teenagers are so lost in the world. And the final group was a girl sitting on a motorcycle eating a bagel. I don’t think she knew who owned the motorcycle. She was a blonde teenager though. They answer to no one.

miley cyrus ugly hair

(Miley Cyrus answers to no one, even the hairstylist who tried refusing to vomit on her hair)

I had hoped all of the teenagers were outside, but inside there were even more. The first group seemed decent enough. There were three of them at the start and by the time I finished my journey they were joined by a fourth. I think the owner of the motorcycle was there. He held a giant helmet. He may have also been retarded. It’s hard to tell with young people.

I hesitated to ask this group if they were in line or not. I decided to avoid communication with their species and instead walked around them. They didn’t bring up an issue so I guess they weren’t in line. I was behind a large group of pierced Portuguese kids now. Two were male and heavily pierced in the face. Two were female and had saggy asses. The main saggy assed female got six donuts. She got them in twos also. Perhaps she was instructed by God to build an Ark and bring two of every pastry.

dunkin donuts

(This somehow felt relevant)

Finally it was my turn to get to the front of the line. Whenever I order and it’s not a hot chick behind the counter I struggle. The only time I ever thrive when talking to females is when it’s in a customer/server relationship. Something about them having to wear a nametag and a sweet uniform makes me mellow out. Unfortunately in this instance the server was a short guy who looked like Frank and Ernest from the comic strip.

FrankAndErnestSelfTautColor

(Oof that is bad)

I stuttered through my order getting an Irish Cream ice coffee and three sausage egg and cheese wake-up wraps. Only less than three and I would be left hungry. So don’t judge me. I’m trying to get a grosser body before summer hits so I have an excuse not to go to the beach.

The funny looking guy behind the counter got me my coffee while the other guy made my food. I took a look around and took in how there were probably 25 teenagers in this place. I was easily the third oldest. Only two older women sitting in the corner had more years on them than me. Everyone in there was a dirty teenager too. They all had piercings, tattoos, unwanted babies from teenage pregnancies, and one was missing an arm. It probably happened when he was reaching out of the school bus like the bad kids used to do when I was younger.

A tattooed and pierced teenager went up to get his muffin. After he took it he turned around and said “That bitch just gave me attitude. I was so close to hitting him.” I was right there when this happened and the guy behind the counter did not give him any attitude at all. What’s with young men wanting to hit everyone? Take a Tae Bo class and use that energy toward something positive!

I made it a point that when I got my food I would say “Thank you” to the guy behind the counter. I always say thank you. I say it loud and proud. Sometimes I scream it so everyone else can hear. I said it very loudly this time hoping the guy with the ugly nose ring heard.

big-nose-ring

(Everyone with a nose ring looks like this to me, male and female. Your nose is for smelling mustard gas, not sticking metal through)

Then I got to thinking. It felt nice to be nice to this fella behind the counter. So I made it a point to be really nice to everyone for the rest of my 5 minute walk back. I held a door for an older woman entering the Dunkin Donuts. She looked at me shocked. I said excuse me as I left too when one of the hoodie wearing dirty teenagers stood in my path. I smiled at a child too during the trek. I never smile at kids. I hate kids. What happened to me? Then the worst thing happened of all. I let someone into my building who was there to visit her friend. She was brown-skinned too. And her friends were the Muslim women I held the door open for a week earlier. This is why I should not ingest caffeine. I become a really nice person.

I haven’t bothered you with any crappy spec scripts I’ve written in a while, mostly because I still had hope I could do something with them. Unfortunately I am what feels like a decade behind on any television show and everything I had written was out of date. For the sake of not wanting any of these to go to waste, here are three spec scripts. One is from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and two are from Modern Family. As I said, they are pretty outdated so ignore any of those aspects if you happen to read through them. You can check out other things I have written here: Spec Scripts

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Mac and Charlie Find a Time Machine

While Dennis and Dee argue of the legitimacy of Dennis’s pants being made for males, Mac and Charlie enter the bar dressed in knight’s armor insisting they have found a time machine. They haven’t so don’t think this is some wacky metaphysical adventures. This takes place in a more realistic universe than the title may suggest. I probably wrote this 2 years ago. Chris where has the time gone?

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia-Mac and Charlie Find a Time Machine

Modern Family – Party Planning (aka I am terrible at naming things for Modern Family because they have no clever formula)

Claire is suspicious that Haley might be having too much sex (I think, I haven’t read over what I wrote in a really long time). Phil takes care of a coworker’s dog and is mistaken as a racist by the black mailman. Jay contemplates on getting hair transplant surgery. Mitchell and Cameron fight over whose collection gets to go up on their hutch, Mitchell’s wrestling action figures or Cameron’s pig paraphernalia.

Modern Family-Party Planning by Tim Boyle

Modern Family – Unwanted Guests (aka see above)

Manny’s cousin who he looks up to comes to visit and it makes Jay feel inadequate. Claire has trouble getting a locksmith to leave her home. Phil is mistaken for an escaped convict who looks exactly like him. Haley falls for a grifter. Mitchell and Cameron dress up as soldiers to get a military discount at a hardware store.

Modern Family-Unwanted Guests by Tim Boyle

So that’s it. Read what you want. I’m sure you’ll be terribly confused if you aren’t familiar enough with the characters.

dogbutler

 

(Barkley the Dog Butler, the best character from Modern Family)

This is the first thing I submitted to CollegeHumor. They never rejected it. They simply ignored it. This was two months ago so I think it’s safe to say I should just post it here. It’s long, but it’s also very thought-out and took real research.

15 Celebrity Deformities You Will Want to Forget

On magazine covers, in films, and on television, at first glance these celebrities are near flawless. Thanks in part to Photoshop or pulling a Wilson from Home Improvement and cleverly covering any deformities with a fence, the body issues these famous people have can be hidden, thus maintaining the perfect image we have of them in our heads. Now with the Internet’s popularity it is impossible for these famous people to hide how gross they really are.

John Stamos: Outie Belly Button

An entire generation of females with an ‘Uncle Jesse Fetish’ would be shocked to find out what is lurking in his midriff. Even actress Jennifer Lawrence has admitted to having a thing for the Full House star and occasional Beach Boys contributor. John Stamos has an incredibly disgusting outie belly button and it just feels wrong knowing this. Blindfolded sex with Rebecca Romijn must have been the most uncomfortable moment for Mr. Stamos and his outie belly button. Imagine the embarrassment when she began playing with his outie thinking it was his penis.

stamos belly button

Val Kilmer: Gross Elbow

On the set of The Doors, former actor Val Kilmer (I think at this point we can refer to him as ‘former actor’ since he has not done much in the last decade) suffered an injury causing his elbow to appear like it had grown a beer belly. Nobody seemed to notice much, because in 1994 Val was nominated as the ‘Most Desirable Male’ at the MTV Movie Awards. If the fans had only known his elbow looked pregnant they may not have honored him with such a prestigious nomination. He ended up losing to William Baldwin. I do not remember 1994 much, but I do remember never seeing a William Baldwin poster on a teenage girl’s bedroom wall.

val kilmer elbow

Oprah Winfrey: Six Toes

In the minds of her fans Oprah Winfrey can do no wrong. She is open with her audience about her struggles with weight loss as well as her heterosexual relationship with longtime beard Stedman. One thing Oprah never brought up was how on one of her feet she allegedly has six toes. Perhaps the extra toe is a sensitive topic. Maybe she even planned to gain enough weight where she would get diabetes and could get the thing removed and not have it be for cosmetic reasons. Who knows? The only real question we should be asking is if her extra little piggy went to the market or if it stayed home. Oprah later dismissed this sixth toe rumor on an episode of her show. Now all she has to do is pull a Josef Stalin and erase all photographic evidence of her freak foot ever existing.

oprah-toes

Rivers Cuomo: Uneven Legs

He may look just like Buddy Holly and he may have his hash pipe. However, one thing Weezer singer Rivers Cuomo was not born with were legs the same length. In adulthood, his bad leg was two inches shorter than the good one, or the other way around, depending on whether or not you like long legs. Rivers has been open enough about the problem. The experience of having corrective surgery inspired him to write the song, ‘The Good Life.’ This song did not feature drug or pop culture references and there were no Muppets singing in the music video, so nobody really gave a shit.

cuomo leg

Catherine O’Hara: Situs Inversus (Reverse Body)

Probably best known as ‘the mom from Home Alone’, Catherine O’Hara was born with a rare and traumatizing condition, being Canadian. In addition to that she has Situs Inversus which essentially means her internal organs are on the opposite sides of her body. Thank goodness she’s Canadian, because it would have looked entirely disrespectful for her to put her left hand over her right side during the Pledge of Allegiance. It is also unclear if she poops out of her mouth or not. My guess? Not always.

Tommy_lee_jones_2_face

Matthew Perry: Small ‘Fuck You’ Finger

We can only imagine how much Matthew Perry hates everyone. He looks like an angry sour puss faced man and ever since Friends went off the air he has pretty much been forgotten about. After a childhood accident, Mr. Perry lost the top portion of his ‘Fuck You’ finger, sometimes referred to as ‘the one in the middle.’ It has not stopped him from much, besides other drivers taking him less seriously whenever he flips them the bird.

Matthew Perry

Billy Corgan: Blotchy Hand

A recognizable voice, the ability to create killer guitar riffs, and now a blotchy stained hand are what will make you think of Smashing Pumpkin’s singer Billy Corgan. Corgan was born with Klippel-Trenauney syndrome, sometimes abbreviated KTS because people are lazy and never learn how to spell new words. Other than the obvious physical deformity covering areas on his left hand, the singer does suffer some physical impairment due to this congenital circulatory disorder. Could growing up feeling different be the reasoning as to why Corgan chose a darker genre of music? If you are really thinking about it, you have too much time on your hands. I guess that is still better than having a blotchy stain on them.

billy corgan blotch

Megan Fox: Stubby Thumbs

When the first Transformers film came out Megan Fox instantly became a sex symbol and the masturbatory fantasy of teenage boys, middle-aged boys, and old men nearing death. Let’s face it, we all thought she was hot no matter what age we were. It was not long until jealous women began pointing out her stubby thumbs. Who gives a fuck? Stubby thumbs will make other things look and feel bigger. I am of course referring to my wallet and fake interest in what she has to say, the two things women care about most.

megan fox thumb

Dan Aykroyd: Webbed Feet

The Saturday Night Live alumnus has a deep dark secret. Maybe it’s not so dark because he made a video of it. What discriminatory things can there really be said about Aykroyd? He is a comedy legend. He also did not do much to help out Jim Belushi’s career, which we should all thank him for. I will lay off any insults about his freak feet.

Andy Garcia: Conjoined Twin

No photographic evidence exists of Andy Garcia’s conjoined twin. If I had to guess as to why no one ever snapped a photograph it is because it would be incredibly creepy to take a picture of a dead twin attached to your living child’s shoulder. Garcia was too young to remember the ordeal. Too bad we all are not too young to forget The Godfather Part III.

south park nurse

Denzel Washington: Crooked Pinky

A great smile, tremendous acting chops, incredible range, and a pinky so crooked it could make a porn star’s dick jealous. During a childhood basketball game, Denzel broke his finger and never had it put back into place. Who knows what would have happened if he had indeed gotten that pinky fixed? He may have continued with his basketball career and Chris Tucker would be known as the greatest African-American actor of our time. Thank goodness the United States does not provide its citizens with universal healthcare.

denzel washington finger

Jennifer Garner: Baby Toe Crosses Over

Elektra star Jennifer Garner has brachymetatarsia, a medical condition in which one of the five long bones of the foot is shorter than the others resulting in a shortened toe. Calling her the star of Elektra seemed to take away any shock from this condition. I could have told you she supports terrorism and yet the Elektra thing would be far worse. There is nothing wrong with having a weird foot. There is a lot wrong with agreeing to star in Elektra, which really should be what we insult Garner for.

Jennifer-Garners-Crossed-Toe-Justjared.com_

Steven Tyler: Talon Foot

Big lipped front man from the band Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, has never been a pleasure to look at. He is what we would all imagine a platypus vagina to look like if it imploded in on itself. Once he removes his shoes things get worse. Tyler reportedly messed up his feet badly from years of jumping around on stage. Nerve damage caused his feet to look like a talon. Still though, why does his face look the way it does? Tyler must have been born on a Sunday, God’s day off from making sure things work out right.

steven tyler feet

Jersey Shore Cast: Born Without Brains

It is amazing how a cast of people born without brains can possibly function, fornicate, and get their own reality television show. This is exactly what happened to these idiots. Instead of brains, the cast of Jersey Shore were born with dead cats in their skulls. No photographic evidence exists, however, six seasons on television between 2009 and 2012 is proof enough that their heads are indeed filled with deceased felines.

jersey shore cast

Vince Vaughn: Penis Thumb

Funny man Vince Vaughn (let us forget about Four Christmases so we can describe him as ‘funny’) is not afraid to laugh at himself. He refers to his thumb as a penis with a fingernail. When Vaughn was 17 he lost the tip of his thumb in a car accident. What Vaughn did not lose was his sense of humor (except during the filming of Four Christmases). A penis thumb is not the most inconvenient thing to have in life. It seems perfect for pranks and probably helped him earn free drinks at a bar at some point in life. Now if only Four Christmases was repackaged as a film called “Four Christmas and Two Penises” we might be able to stand Reese Witherspoon’s sense of humor a little more.

vince vaughn thumb