I don’t own a couch. It’s the first time in forever. I’m planning on getting some little futon or something at some point because I miss having a couch. For now my couch is putting my bedroom pillows up against the wall on my bed and I sit on my bed using the pillows as a back rest. I think the proper term for this involves the n-word followed by rig, but I ain’t saying it.

spike lee

(“Thank you, Tim.” – Spike Lee)

Couches are a wonderful invention. They were created by the Egyptians in the time of Cleopatra because she had so many husbands. She was always getting in fights with these husbands and they needed somewhere to sleep that was bed-like but not as comfortable whenever they were in the dog house or in the cat house as it was called in Ancient Egyptian times. Everything in Ancient Egypt was about cats. Imagine how hard it must be a cat living in today’s world. They’re all over the Internet but they’re not really worshipped like they used to be. I see the white man meeting the same fate.

I hardly remember my family’s earliest couches. The first time I met my first dog Baylee she was sitting on the couch when I got home from school. She picked her head up and looked at me. My mom said to be gentle. She went on to say Baylee wanted to relax and watch Batman: The Animated Series. Did she?

My family did get new couches at one point, I think. They were new to us at least. The worst thing about new furniture is you are so cautious with it until someone does damage to it. I like to invite a clumsy friend over immediately whenever I buy something new to take away the worry. These new couches were great though and provided plenty of room to sit. Ultimately it was decided I got the chair because not only had I become the man of the house, nobody ever wanted to sit next to me.


(Basically me except I have never been caught masturbating in a public theater)

Our family’s pets liked couches almost as much as we did. Baylee, McGwire, the cats Stephanie, Stashu (why the hell did we have a Polish cat?) and Briscoe all enjoyed sitting on the couches. The dogs especially liked them. If you ever get a new dog and think at any point in the future you will not want them sitting on the couch then never let them sit on it when they’re young. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Getting a dog who is used to a couch to lie on the ground is in fact a trick and I don’t mean the kind whores do for money.

I have a lot of wonderful memories from couches. There was a lot of eating and TV watching. Perhaps the best part was when I had a girl next to me on the couch. No. Eating was better. Girls want to cuddle too much. A cheese doodle never cuddles. A cheese doodle provides crunchy cheesy goodness. I don’t have to be self-conscious with a cheese doodle. I never have to wonder with a cheese doodle when we’re going to skip the foreplay and get straight to what I came there for.

Couches do have a dark side. They are a pain in the ass to move. To move my last couch out from my apartment I had to go all MacGyver and place it on a swivel chair on one end and push it from the other. A black neighbor watched me struggle. Then he realized what I was doing and told me I was clever. Black fellas know clever when they see it. They invented peanut butter.

spike lee

(“Thank you again, Tim.” – Spike Lee)

I think couches often go overlooked in this country. Not having one makes me realize their importance. How else will I allow to over time let my posture go bad? I never lose money in the cushions anymore. The only good thing is if I bring a girl over I tell her she has either has to hop in my bed or sit on the toilet. I guess she could always sit at the kitchen table, but I would probably kick her lame ass out.

What is your opinion on couches?

  1. neonspndx says:

    HAHA amazing post about couches. “The worst thing about new furniture is you are so cautious with it until someone does damage to it. I like to invite a clumsy friend over immediately whenever I buy something new to take away the worry.” HHAHAHA so true.

  2. Pen says:

    I hated the first few weeks at my apartment when I was without a couch. But they are expensive and I have better things to spend money on.
    Fortunately, my dad’s fiancee is redoing her parlor (people still have those???) and gave me her loveseat from that. It’s the perfect size for me and Zoe (my dog is most definitely a couch dog and I do not begrudge her). Sometimes another person if I don’t mind being half in their lap.

    It came with a nice couch cover so I don’t have to worry about being too neat with my eating and drinking. It’s also really comfy and fluffy for used couch. I guess because it came from a “parlor”, which I’m pretty sure is French or Italian for “room no one ever visits” or “room merely to display knick-knack crap in”. Something like that.

    This is the second time I’ve really gotten a good free couch. I guess I’m lucky like that.
    Free couches are the best.

  3. Linda Vernon says:

    Oh golly I had a good time reading this. And I’ve never really given the fall of cat worshipping any consideration until reading this post. So thank you for connect those synapses! I loved your life through various couches and pets on couches. I totally agree that you should get the worry of spilling out right off the bat. I would be interested in knowing why you find yourself in your current couchless state. Personally, the only thoughts I have about couches is that I think I would like an updated one but they all look so modern and uncomfortable.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks for enjoying!

      I’m in a newer place and it would have been a real pain getting my old couch here. Plus it was really dirty and smelt terrible. Most of all I don’t feel like carrying a couch up three flights of stairs. I also don’t have much room for something I can’t easily toss around. I think I should get a blow up chair. Guys with those are cool.

  4. I think I will truly miss my bachelor Jouch (Jean + Couch = Jouch) when I finally grow up and “settle down.” It has become a staple of my apt that friends expect to experience when they come over. How do couches worm their way into our lives like this!?

  5. I like a good couch every now and then, but what I really liked about this post was the Batman: The Animated Series reference. Remember the one with the people who thought having their picture taken meant that their soul was being stolen?
    I’ll never forget that one.

  6. The Waiting says:

    We didn’t have a couch in our apartment in Korea. We had to sit on these mats on the hard floor when we wanted to watch TV. We also didn’t have an automatic dishwasher. We basically lived in the Gulag.

    Nice job linking to your own post about Batman.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do Koreans even have couches? I know there’s the thing called the “Asian squat” which is why Asian people can squat without lifting their heels off the ground better than anyone else. It’s not as racist as it sounds.

  7. Oh, Cleopatra… what a bitch.
    You have never been CAUGHT doing that in a public theater… and in his defense, aren’t those little booths supposed to be private… uh… I mean… ummm…

  8. benzeknees says:

    When I got my first apartment, I didn’t have a couch. I borrowed my mom’s sewing machine, went & got some pretty dusty rose corduroy fabric, pillow fill & sewed myself two huge floor cushions (4 ft. by 4 ft.). I could use one to sit on & the other for behind my back, so it became my couch. I could lounge around all I wanted & when I had an unexpected guest, it became a spare bed.

  9. tinkadele says:

    I like Pee Wee’s chair. A place to sit and a hug, it’s a double win. I’d say that you should get yourself one of those but you favour savoury snacks over a cuddle. You should probably just get a regular chair whereby you can store your cheesy mcdoodles down the sides, like a true man.

  10. […] a wonderful artist, bless him. I didn’t even realize I can write “horror” effortlessly until someone pointed it out here in HiNaD, […]

  11. Brilliant post, Tim! LOL!

    I’ve never had a couch. I’ve had many a sofa. My parents had a davenport.

  12. We call a couch a settee. Hand across the water and all that

  13. joehoover says:

    I hate my couch, it looked great for 4 weeks then it immediately looked like I picked it up off a skip. I resent paying an average amount of money for something so inferior. My cat just uses it as a cat bed now. It’s not the enticing place I need to slump on with a hangover anymore, it’s covered it cat hair and her dried drool. I should remind her this isn’t ancient Egypt. My friend also burned a hole in it when she house sat, she said it was incense but I was wondering why you put incense on a sofa arm. It’s in just the right position and right circumference that a cigarette would fell asleep in the chair drunk whilst smoking. Incense indeed. My mother raised no fool.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You scared me off from getting a couch ever again. Cats are so stubborn. Do they usually like couches? I thought they liked boxes. Who knows? I haven’t been around a cat in a while. Why are smokers so careless? They’re always flicking them into my eyes.

      • joehoover says:

        She likes boxes too, and bags and she likes sniffing shoes. Pervert.

        I’m a smoker but always considerate of others. I’ll never smoke around kids – they can buy their own.

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