Yesterday I went to Wrestlemania. This is the Super Bowl of professional wrestling. It’s time when the casual fan pays attention. It’s when a match can go mainstream and stars come out to participate in the festivities. This particular Wrestlemania took place in Northern New Jersey which doesn’t sound too cool so they pretended it also took place in New York. I’m not going to review the show or anything because you don’t care and it would mean nothing to you anyway. The only thing I will say directly about the show is how after watching 4 hours of men wrestling in their underwear, the last thing I want to see to end it are two men who have been feuding for two years hugging each other and showing “sportsmanship.” An hour earlier a dead man told a straightedge guy that he was going to kill him after the straightedge guy stole the dead man’s father’s ashes. Sportsmanship is not necessary when everybody knows it’s fake.

Here is the list of notable things that happened:

1) I had to take three trains to get there. All of the trains were the next stop. In an attempt to save a few bucks I figured I could hide on the train from the professional hole punchers they have going around. One caught me trying to hide and I lied poorly to him about how I was looking for friends. I told him I’d be honest and just pay for a ticket. I didn’t have enough cash on me and he was very nasty about it. I hope he loses his job. I’ve paid way too much money into the NJTransit system for their slow moving trains to take me places. I deserve a free ride by now.

2) The next train had a similar bad situation. I somehow accidentally bought a child ticket. The conductor on this train started yelling at me in a lisp that I had a half-price ticket. I literally had no cash on me. He said “I should have known better” and I’m not sure what he meant by that. He should have known better than to what? Take a career that involves getting to dress very nicely and roll your eyes at people? At least he has to live with a lisp.

(Maybe the conductor was doing his best Dusty Rhodes impression)

3) I waited outside the arena for my friend to arrive who was driving up. He too had some trouble getting there. He hit traffic early then when things opened up, he high-tailed it. A cop caught up to him and he was pulled over for speeding. He’s related to the only cop that’s not crooked in the state, Sheriff Frank Serpico, and one flash of his PBA card got him down from attempted manslaughter to jaywalking.

4) While waiting outside I got to check out the fans. Of course checking out wrestling fans isn’t the most boner-inducing thing to do. I think I saw more men in drag than attractive women. I’m not even sure if the men were in drag or were dressed as wrestlers from the 1980s. Let’s say they were in drag.

rockers

(The woman on the right went on to become one of the most popular wrestlers of the 1990s, the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels. Back then he only broke hearts because people thought he was a woman at first)

5) I saw only one person I knew there randomly. He has a big head so he was not hard to miss. He didn’t see me thankfully. I hate having to pretend to enjoy other people’s existence.

6) At first we sat in the wrong seats because this stadium was poorly designed and the usher gave us the directions “down that way!” We figures it out though and our actual seats were a lot better except for an annoying blue light that bothered 1/4th of the crowd there. If I do say so myself though, the blue light may have been more entertaining than the Brock Lesnar/HHH match.

7) Somehow I managed to sit next to an attractive female. What are the chances? My friend sat next to a skinny guy with a lovely Indian girlfriend. In our wrong seats there was no one next to me at first and he had a big fat guy. Karma was turning around in our favor.

8) I took a piss break when P Diddy was supposed to come back and again when I thought a match that never happened was. I made it back swiftly for the important stuff. I didn’t miss more than 10 seconds of P Diddy singing a song I had never heard.

p-diddy

(P Diddy asking someone whether or not he should take off his sunglasses while standing in front of a wall with mushroom heads on it)

9) At one point an announcer said there were a lot of celebrities in attendance. They showed Snooki twice and she was booed twice. She pulled a marine closer and we still booed. Then she pointed at a child and we booed even louder. The only other celebrity they showed was Michael Strahan. He used to be a tough gap tooth football player and now he works with Kelly Ripa. He got no reaction.

10) During the main event, The Rock vs. John Cena, a British guy sitting behind us who had come to America just to see this event began convulsing. A black guy started calling for security and it turns out he had a seizure. He finally came out of it and as a true wrestling fan, he took out his camera and continued taking pictures of the show. Just what he needs, another flash. I noticed a fat guy in a Mets jersey standing up when the seizure had finished. He said, “I’m an epileptic, I know what to do.” Then he stood there not doing anything or offering any advice. I’m guessing he was having a seizure when he picked his favorite baseball team.

11) On my way home I had to stand in a giant caged in area around other people taking the train back. As it would be, I did not need a ticket on the way back. Then at the next station no one ever took my ticket, but I did need one to get through some machine. I also asked a pretty girl giving people directions for directions even though I knew where to go. I was hoping talking to me would make her really happy. She seemed as interested in me as she did the results of the wrestling show.

12) Oh I forgot to mention when I was waiting for my friend my phone got absolutely no service at all which was hazardous because we had no other way of finding each other. I also couldn’t get online or anything at all. Eventually T-Mobile get their heads out of their asses and a satellite passed by allowing me to communicate with my cell phone in a highly populated area of the world. We were so eager to get inside and not miss anything. Then we looked at the countdown clock with a big fat “40 Minutes To Go.”

Although the event went downhill after the dead guy beat the guy who doesn’t drink or do drugs, it was still a memorable experience that I will never forget until I am nearing death and call my grandson by the wrong name.

wrestlemania 29

 

(Image taken from the seats that turned out to not be ours)

Comments
  1. tinkadele says:

    I’d say “look at you, having a man’s day out at Wrestlemania!” but judging by your comment on number 4, I’m not too sure! I hope that you dressed for the occasion. 😛

  2. SingingTuna says:

    They have dead wrestlers in these things? Hunh. I guess rigor mortis makes for tighter holds or something.

    You live such an exciting life.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The best thing about The Undertaker (the dead guy) is he’s been around for over 20 years. He’s been dead for that long! And he moves around fine and can talk. I think they’re lying…

      Is it as much exciting as it is the few times I venture out something goes wrong?

  3. Someone had a good time! 😀 I just have one question: is wrestling a sport? My now-dead great grandpa seemed to think it is. I couldn’t get why his eyes were twinkling while he’s sitting in his wheelchair watching guys wearing shiny briefs making out with each other in a ring. Is he an 80-something year old gay man? I wouldn’t know. Eight year-olds don’t know anything back then.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I wouldn’t consider it a sport. They call it “sports entertainment” now. It’s more entertainment, even if you don’t find it entertaining. Certainly they have to be athletic, but the fact it’s more about telling a story (usually poorly) then it’s closer to a soap opera than a sporting event.

  4. Carter says:

    Wow. The 1980s were just…wow.

    The only wrestling events I ever attended live were a WCW Starcade in 1992 (my brother lived in the same neighborhood as Ron Simmons and we saw him walking his dog; the next event was in Philly and many wrestlers were on my flight and I got tons of autographs) and a non-televised WWE show (where I went to a pre-event meet and greet with [I think] Steve Austin, Owen Hart, and [definitely] Debra McMichael) and I proposed to Debra with my high school class ring.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I never actually went to a live wrestling event until maybe 4 years ago? Of course I was into it when I was younger, but my parents must not have loved me enough to take me. Did you ever yell “Damn!” at Ron Simmons? Or was that before the gimmick? I don’t know much about him.

      I think my only issue with your comment is you proposed to a woman with your high school ring which means you were old enough to have one. When I was leaving the stadium I saw a few of the wrestlers meeting up with their family. Linda McMahon hugged Santino. He’s incredibly short, nobody cares.

      • Carter says:

        At least Mongo wasn’t there. Or maybe I wish he was; might have made for a sweet injury settlement. And now that I looked up Debra’s WWE history, it was definitely Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett at the pre-match event not Stone Cold.

  5. The Waiting says:

    I had never really heard of Wrestlemania until yesterday when Pee Wee Herman was live Tweeting all he was doing there, but together with your account I am now putting it on my list of things I should probably experience before I die. My husband has a picture of himself with the Ultimate Warrior when he was six. When my husband was six, I should clarify.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Never heard of it? They mention it in Hot Shots. Or maybe it’s Hot Shots Part Deux. It’s not as big as it used to be, but that’s because there are more choices out there.

      I think I like the idea of your husband having a picture of the Ultimate Warrior when the Ultimate Warrior was six a lot more.

  6. I had a feeling you might be a fan of this ‘sport’… sigh…

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    Also excellent post, I’m right jealous you got to see WrestleMania, I’ve always wanted to go and watch it but that’d mean having to do a lot more travelling than you had to do hah. A friend (I say friend, I used to fancy his bird once) seems to go every other year the prick. This year turned out to be a massive disappointment. I’d have rather have been at RAW the next night, the noise when Dolph Ziggler came out would have burst a few ear drums!

    “Just what he needs, another flash.”

    LOL!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh yeah it was definitely a disappointment show-wise but still glad I went. I was almost considering going to RAW the next night. I wish it was in the other North Jersey location they have shows. It would have literally been 5 miles away from me if that were the case. I saw a few clips from the night after. It looked epic.

  8. Cafe says:

    I never understood wrestling, but I’ve seen some very unexpected people I know totally into the story line and sagas going on. It must be like watching a soap opera .. kinda. Love that you could write a post on mostly the before and after the main event lol.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha yeah I’m always surprised by some people who are fans too. I am very casual about my fandom now. I think I more hate it and like to complain how it could be better. The soap opera part of it definitely is a favorite of mine. I like the idea of multiple storylines with a never ending battle and blah blah who cares?

      • Cafe says:

        lol i’m always trash-talking soap operas and reality tv shows but i swear i get hooked when i start watching. i’ll start yelling at the tv and get all into it haha. so i bet i could be conned into enjoying wrestling too =P

      • Mooselicker says:

        I swear when I was in Toronto I saw the wrestler Edge walking around. I only saw him from behind. He’s from Toronto too, but why would he be on the University campus? It’s actually quite popular in Canada. I’m not exactly sure why other than many of the “legends” come from there. Now I sound like a girl talking about a sport I don’t understand.

      • Cafe says:

        lmao…i was buying it =P

  9. Lily says:

    I forgot to ask you about this experience, but I knew you would write about it but then I forgot to read it. I’m the worst.
    Sounds like a fun time! Except for getting yelled at on the train. I hate that. I wouldn’t ever buy my tickets at the counter in hopes that the hole puncher would go past me (happened a couple times!) but he would usually make me buy a ticket on the train. Annoying.
    Glad you found good seats and didn’t have to sit by weirdos. I can’t believe Snooki was there! Hahah

    • Mooselicker says:

      I hate getting yelled at. I was going to try to do an accent or act slightly retarded. I can’t do an accent under pressure though.

      Of course Snooki was there. What else would she do? Wherever there’s a camera there is a Snooki.

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