Yesterday I went to Wrestlemania. This is the Super Bowl of professional wrestling. It’s time when the casual fan pays attention. It’s when a match can go mainstream and stars come out to participate in the festivities. This particular Wrestlemania took place in Northern New Jersey which doesn’t sound too cool so they pretended it also took place in New York. I’m not going to review the show or anything because you don’t care and it would mean nothing to you anyway. The only thing I will say directly about the show is how after watching 4 hours of men wrestling in their underwear, the last thing I want to see to end it are two men who have been feuding for two years hugging each other and showing “sportsmanship.” An hour earlier a dead man told a straightedge guy that he was going to kill him after the straightedge guy stole the dead man’s father’s ashes. Sportsmanship is not necessary when everybody knows it’s fake.
Here is the list of notable things that happened:
1) I had to take three trains to get there. All of the trains were the next stop. In an attempt to save a few bucks I figured I could hide on the train from the professional hole punchers they have going around. One caught me trying to hide and I lied poorly to him about how I was looking for friends. I told him I’d be honest and just pay for a ticket. I didn’t have enough cash on me and he was very nasty about it. I hope he loses his job. I’ve paid way too much money into the NJTransit system for their slow moving trains to take me places. I deserve a free ride by now.
2) The next train had a similar bad situation. I somehow accidentally bought a child ticket. The conductor on this train started yelling at me in a lisp that I had a half-price ticket. I literally had no cash on me. He said “I should have known better” and I’m not sure what he meant by that. He should have known better than to what? Take a career that involves getting to dress very nicely and roll your eyes at people? At least he has to live with a lisp.
(Maybe the conductor was doing his best Dusty Rhodes impression)
3) I waited outside the arena for my friend to arrive who was driving up. He too had some trouble getting there. He hit traffic early then when things opened up, he high-tailed it. A cop caught up to him and he was pulled over for speeding. He’s related to the only cop that’s not crooked in the state, Sheriff Frank Serpico, and one flash of his PBA card got him down from attempted manslaughter to jaywalking.
4) While waiting outside I got to check out the fans. Of course checking out wrestling fans isn’t the most boner-inducing thing to do. I think I saw more men in drag than attractive women. I’m not even sure if the men were in drag or were dressed as wrestlers from the 1980s. Let’s say they were in drag.
(The woman on the right went on to become one of the most popular wrestlers of the 1990s, the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels. Back then he only broke hearts because people thought he was a woman at first)
5) I saw only one person I knew there randomly. He has a big head so he was not hard to miss. He didn’t see me thankfully. I hate having to pretend to enjoy other people’s existence.
6) At first we sat in the wrong seats because this stadium was poorly designed and the usher gave us the directions “down that way!” We figures it out though and our actual seats were a lot better except for an annoying blue light that bothered 1/4th of the crowd there. If I do say so myself though, the blue light may have been more entertaining than the Brock Lesnar/HHH match.
7) Somehow I managed to sit next to an attractive female. What are the chances? My friend sat next to a skinny guy with a lovely Indian girlfriend. In our wrong seats there was no one next to me at first and he had a big fat guy. Karma was turning around in our favor.
8) I took a piss break when P Diddy was supposed to come back and again when I thought a match that never happened was. I made it back swiftly for the important stuff. I didn’t miss more than 10 seconds of P Diddy singing a song I had never heard.
(P Diddy asking someone whether or not he should take off his sunglasses while standing in front of a wall with mushroom heads on it)
9) At one point an announcer said there were a lot of celebrities in attendance. They showed Snooki twice and she was booed twice. She pulled a marine closer and we still booed. Then she pointed at a child and we booed even louder. The only other celebrity they showed was Michael Strahan. He used to be a tough gap tooth football player and now he works with Kelly Ripa. He got no reaction.
10) During the main event, The Rock vs. John Cena, a British guy sitting behind us who had come to America just to see this event began convulsing. A black guy started calling for security and it turns out he had a seizure. He finally came out of it and as a true wrestling fan, he took out his camera and continued taking pictures of the show. Just what he needs, another flash. I noticed a fat guy in a Mets jersey standing up when the seizure had finished. He said, “I’m an epileptic, I know what to do.” Then he stood there not doing anything or offering any advice. I’m guessing he was having a seizure when he picked his favorite baseball team.
11) On my way home I had to stand in a giant caged in area around other people taking the train back. As it would be, I did not need a ticket on the way back. Then at the next station no one ever took my ticket, but I did need one to get through some machine. I also asked a pretty girl giving people directions for directions even though I knew where to go. I was hoping talking to me would make her really happy. She seemed as interested in me as she did the results of the wrestling show.
12) Oh I forgot to mention when I was waiting for my friend my phone got absolutely no service at all which was hazardous because we had no other way of finding each other. I also couldn’t get online or anything at all. Eventually T-Mobile get their heads out of their asses and a satellite passed by allowing me to communicate with my cell phone in a highly populated area of the world. We were so eager to get inside and not miss anything. Then we looked at the countdown clock with a big fat “40 Minutes To Go.”
Although the event went downhill after the dead guy beat the guy who doesn’t drink or do drugs, it was still a memorable experience that I will never forget until I am nearing death and call my grandson by the wrong name.
(Image taken from the seats that turned out to not be ours)