Here’s something else CollegeHumor told me was no good for them. I’m thinking about submitting them a list of the “Top 10 Sites Funnier than CollegeHumor.” On my list are a website discrediting Barack Obama’s birth certificate, a site that are all autopsy photos of children, and Kidz Showz. There’s nothing wrong with shameless self-promotion. And now here’s the piece of shit article that was not better than the boring charts they put on their website.

Why Ginger Hate Exists

Gingers, sometimes referred to as soul-less demons from Satan’s ass depending on what part of the country you grew up in, have gotten a bad reputation over the last decade for being lesser human beings. Where did this all come from? A hair color should not determine how evil a person is. While examining history it has become clear why we all do and should hate Gingers with all our hearts.

Historically:

The term ‘I’d rather be dead than red’ could mean more than wanting to be democratic as opposed to joining the Communist party. Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin was a Ginger. He pretty much died before he could do anything too evil. He’s responsible for the death of a Disney Princess, Anastasia, and that makes him pretty bad.

Not all redheads are known for being total douches. United States Presidents Andrew Jackson, Thomas Jefferson, Dwight Eisenhower, Calvin Coolidge, Ulysses S. Grant, and even George Washington were all redheads. A traditional Ginger has never been elected president. We know this for sure because if it ever does happen we will all certainly die or at the very least want to kill ourselves. Until a full-blown Ginger gets elected to the highest office in the world the hate will continue.

Notable Mention goes to Winston Churchill who had natural red hair. Churchill was smart enough to acquire male pattern baldness from a Gypsy to hide his crippling disability.

Thomas-JeffersonREDHEAD.24392016_std

(This is the most Ginger picture of Thomas Jefferson I could find. Maybe Wikipedia lied)

Athletics:

One of the most famous extreme sports athletes of all-time is snowboarder Shaun White. He’s a two-time Olympic gold medalist and had a chance to make a cameo in the Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake romantic comedy Friends With Benefits despite having no acting skill at all. White is tremendous at his sport, however, nobody really cares about snowboarding despite how talented he is. Like NASCAR, we’re all really only watching the X-Games hoping to see someone get hurt really badly. Considering White is a Ginger, we wouldn’t be too broken up if we saw an open bone fracture.

In the more mainstream sports we have Mark McGwire. In 1998 he broke Roger Maris’s single season home run record. Ever since, McGwire has been in a downward spiral. He admitted to doing steroids and cried in front of Congress. Once known as Big Mac, he had turned into a tiny little Ginger fry. His chances of ever making the Hall of Fame are slimmer than his steroid filled testicles. McGwire set back our trust of Gingers by a million years. He was once so beloved and now we’re all reminded never trust someone with a ketchup colored scrotum.

Notable mention goes to Chuck Norris, martial artist and winner of most appearances in a hack joke.

mark-mcgwire-tx1-450x310

(I kind of like the fact his hair matches the uniform. I also don’t really mind North Korea so maybe I’m out of line)

Music:

Although his biggest hit song starts off welcoming us, Axl Rose is a total dick. Nobody ever seems to have a nice thing to say about him. He has an incredible amount of Botox and looks less human than ever before. The Guns N Roses front man might possibly be responsible for more riots than any government combined. It’s almost shocking Egyptian officials don’t recruit him to play in Cairo just so he’ll cancel and they can blame any disorderly conduct that ensues on Axl being a diva.

Willie Nelson, a more mellow musical Ginger, may do some good for their cause. He’s known to get along with everyone. Willie’s only real indiscretion is his love of marijuana. Willie seems perfect on the outside until you find out he’s been married four times. At the rate they’re going, Willie Nelson, Taylor Swift, and Larry King will end up in a threesome together. Whatever Willie’s ex-wives’ reasons for leaving him were we can all believe his long red locks had something to do with it.

Notable mention goes to Mike Hucknall, lead singer of the band Simply Red. Nobody enjoyed their music.

willie nelson

(This is apparently a book cover. Do Willie Nelson fans actually know how to read?)

In Fiction:

The 1990 film Problem Child examines just how devilish a Ginger can be. Junior, played by Michael Oliver, is adopted by a couple played John Ritter and Amy Yasbeck, another Ginger. Oliver and Yasbeck’s characters are constantly butting heads, proving Darwin’s theory that even Gingers cannot stand one another. Junior does evil things like start fires, hit little leaguers with a baseball bat, and a few other things that could have been easily preventable. He’s the ultimate nightmare. He’s the average Ginger.

More currently we can look at the television show Homeland. Sergeant Nicholas Brody was taken hostage for 8 years while serving in Iraq. He was turned by terrorists and now he’s on a mission to kill the Vice President. Brody struggles with right and wrong which is common with many Gingers. He even lets his wife call him by his last name which is totally weird. The topic of gays and women in the military has always been controversial. Let’s hope soon we can banish Gingers from protecting us because clearly they don’t care if we live or die.

Notable mention to Special Agent Dana Scully for never believing her partner Fox Mulder’s theory that aliens exist despite the fact they actually saw aliens in the first episode.

Episode 102

(Nicolas Brody also had a lot of other Gingers in his platoon. Why would a redhead join the army? They’re an easy target)

Real Life Monsters:

At a certain age your parents will tell you that monsters do not exist. They’re lying to you because they don’t want you to stay up all night afraid a Ginger might climb through your window and eat your soul through your anus. Gingers are so used to be shit on they don’t mind going through your rectum to get to your precious soul.

The 1980s subjected us the horrors of Molly Ringwald. She starred in films like Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, and as herself alongside Cher in the film Mask. The 1990s introduced us to a young Lindsay Lohan who has come to literally define monster. What was once a promising career for Lohan has turned into a complete disaster. For a short period it appeared she would break through the Ginger stereotype and have a longtime acting career. At this point she joins the ranks of other monsters like the Yeti and the Lochness Monster. There’s no way someone like Lindsay Lohan could possibly be real. God cannot be that cruel.

Notable mention goes to Vincent Van Gogh. A once renowned artist known for his beautiful portraits, he showed the true side of the Ginger when he cut off his own ear and handed it to a prostitute. What can a prostitute do with an ear? Truly a sign that Gingers don’t think logically.

Mask

(A famous scene from Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald [above] tells Anthony Michael Hall to get lost. I know I’ve used this joke before, but I never got the Ringwald love)

Who is your least favorite Ginger? Who is your favorite?

Comments
  1. Carter says:

    You forgot Blake Griffin, the biracial ginger. He really hit the genetic lottery (I don’t even know if I’m kidding, seeing as how he earns approximately $15000 more than me per hour)

    • Carter says:

      Also for a second, I though Real Life Monsters was going to be about AHHHH…Real Monsters, then I remembered which blog I was on

    • Mooselicker says:

      I never knew Blake Griffin was biracial until about a month ago when I saw an advertisement with him on YouTube. Which part do you think is good at basketball? I’m going to say not the part that looks like me.

  2. How did Ron Howard not make this list?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Because people do not read blogs longer than 1500 words and I was really pushing it. Plus he’s a beloved ginger. Not everyone could be included and when you’re a ginger you are used to being forgotten.

  3. Addie says:

    Well, this kills my thoughts of dying my greeting curls ginger.

  4. Addie says:

    Graying curls….damn autocorrect

  5. tinkadele says:

    Ninth! 😉 ..I liked the notable mention of Dana Scully – haha, so true! I know that you didn’t include Ron Weasley because you were concerned he might be reading this and wizziwig you with his wand (I don’t know the correct terms, I never got through the entire HP series).

  6. Now you are spreading the hate like I knew you could.

  7. Are you going to tell us Satan is a redhead, too?

    I can’t believe you’ve missed Ronald Mcdonald. :O He’s got the scariest lips everrr. And he could kill anyone with those red shoes. Funny, because despite of the hating, I’ve always wanted and still want to be a ginger. Perhaps in the next life.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    My favourite Ginger is Tim Minchin, everyone else can suck a D. Plus he’s handsome too, if I was a gay, oh boy. I’ve been loving his stuff on Californication this season, definitely the best.

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