Attention all bookworms. Today is the final day I can give away my book Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences for free on Amazon. It will no longer be “Amazon Exclusive” after next week which means I can no longer have the option of making it free whenever I want. It will then be available on other formats where strangers can look at it then ask for refunds.
By now you will either get a copy or not. All I ask in return if you get a free copy is to leave a review when you get the chance. These are very helpful and indeed have helped me to sell copies to complete strangers. It’s also available in paperback which you could give two shits about so I won’t waste your time.
Instead here are 10 fun facts about this book and other related things.
1) I wrote the entire thing while standing up. Okay, so maybe I sat for a little bit of it, but a good majority of my writing was taking place while standing up. It still does. I read a Yahoo article that said sitting is bad so I try to do it less. My life has improved drastically since. I’m kidding. It still blows.
2) This book is made up of a few short stories, all of which are true and involve me getting stared at blankly. If you enjoy reading about other people’s pain then this is for you.
3) I wrote the whole thing in maybe 3 weeks. It’s about 26,000 words which averages out to a number of words per day I do not feel like calculating.
4) There were two stories I was going to add to this, but decided against because they didn’t quite fit or were too short. One was about a show I did where only two audience members showed up after seeing an advertisement about it on a Christian website. The one girl was really cute and smiled at me a lot before the show. Then the show started and she couldn’t wait to leave. She hated us all. The other one involves me almost starting fights with an Asian in the audience and a black man. Only the Asian had anything to do with race. I probably deserved to be roundhouse kicked to death by him.
5) I did indeed have a lot of really good shows. If you really are curious about the best night I ever had doing stand-up I could send you the story. I didn’t include it here because it’s for something else I have written where it would fit more. Plus this book is about failure. I had a girl from Germany, Tennessee, and two from Canada that night come after me with their legs open. What happened to me? I was so cool for that one 6 hour period.
6) I have no clue who one of the people who left a review is which makes me happy and I almost hope they never come forward.
7) Whenever I give away this book for free, it averages about 40 copies in the U.S. “purchased.” Of course it’s not a real purchase since my bank account stays as dry as the Sahara. Sahara of course being what I call–yeah I’ll stop here. It was going to be an old woman vagina joke.
8) The most famous person I ever performed on a show with was Jim Gaffigan. I didn’t see him perform. I heard he’s an asshole from 95% of the people who have met him.
9) One thing not included in the book was when I stole an audience member’s beer and drank from it. It was a cute little moment that was perfectly timed. he one-upped me when he stole my water and drank from it when I had my back turned. It was a perfect little cute moment, none of which are in this book.
10) I don’t burn bridges at all in this book which I am proud of. I don’t really have an animosity against anyone I met so I didn’t feel the need to. However, my next two books “autobiographical” books I am working on are all about burning bridges. For the sake of some brief hype, here are a few people I plan to shit on in future works from Tim Boyle. Think the description fits you? You should have been better.
-My first girlfriend
-The first girl to break my heart
-My first crush
-The homeless girl I went on a date with
-Two different pedophiles I encountered in my life
-The original drummer from Phish
-The Indian kid I sat with at lunch in 11th grade
-Every bully I ever had
-The girl who wanted me to have sex with her then kill her after
-The lesbians who tricked me into buying them drinks
-A girl with a giant empty cage in her bedroom for some reason
-A friend who tricked another friend into getting squirt with a hose so they could play ping pong shirtless
-The last man to touch my testicles
-The only person I have ever threatened to physically harm
-A stranger who tickled me in a Cracker Barrel
-And many more!
But before those are available there is more work to be done. There is still Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences to be enjoyed multiple times.