The Internet is an amazing invention. Without it I don’t know what I would spend my time doing. Even when I’m not online I’m thinking about what I can do in normal life that can somehow become valuable on the Internet. The only downside to the Internet other than all of the child porn, Craigslist killers, and accessibility for cyber terrorists to our bank accounts, are whiners.

People love to whine. I like to do it too. Whining makes us feel like we’re solving our problems. When it’s illegal to choke a small animal to get your angst out, we have to resort to something else. More often than not that something else is unnecessarily complaining. My inspiration for this post came from reading a few reviews when I was looking up how much New Jersey Devils hockey tickets cost. I would like to share with you some of the reviews I saw then follow it up with some snarky commentary.


(This is the proper way to whine. Keep quiet, make a funny face, and then make a career out of hating people)

“Tough getting to our seats in that crowded section. Enjoyed maybe two bites of my cheese steak sandwich. Boring play.”

What was so tough about it? I bet this person is obese. They got a cheesesteak at a hockey game after all. Who does that? And they never even specified why they enjoyed two bites. Did they start a third bite then realized how fucking fat they were and could no longer enjoy it because they felt bad about the way they look? And what does the game being boring have to do with buying tickets? Some games are going to be boring you idiot.

“…To add to our less then mediocre experience the roving Devils camerman would not record any kids wearingcaps, t-shirts etc. of the opposing team. How triflin! Why don’t they play The Hockey Game (song) at the Rock?”

Dude, it’s their job to record home team fans for the home team television network. It would look terrible if they were showing opposing fans filling the stands. What’s with using the word trifling? And what’s wrong with using the letter “g” at the end of it? This guy really pissed me off when he started complaining about how they don’t play a song he likes. Get an iPod and stay home.

“…I don’t find the “Hey you suck” goal chant to be at all appropriate, funny, clever, or innovative–it’s just plain ignorant. I had two LA Kings fans sitting next to me, and the verbal abuse to which they were subjected was appalling. I apologized to that couple as I left, and told them that I hoped their team won the Cup.”

Clearly this was written by a woman who doesn’t understand sports. “Hey you suck” was the offensive thing people were shouting? Christ, you’re in Newark. Walk down two blocks and see something much more offensive, like a gang member shoving a gun in your face calling you a motherfucker as he asks you for your wallet.

“Also, overzealous police. I am 60 years old. They took my 2″ swiss army knife I have had for 25 years. Very stupid”

So you have had the Swiss army knife since you were 35, correct? And if it meant something really important to you like it was given to you by a dead relative I think you would have mentioned it, no? So you’re complaining because you were carrying the dumbest kind of knife there is. It was probably an impulse buy anyway during your first mid-life crisis. Good riddance. I hope the police use it to cut their ass hairs.

“I have to say the policy against any kind of food and drinks turned me off when my family was forced to forego the water bottle and snacks my kids love when we entered the stadium…”

This is policy everywhere. No stadium will allow you to bring food because if they let you do this they could not make money off of concessions. How stupid are you? Does everyone go to one hockey game then never comes back? I’m so sorry your children couldn’t get to have the snacks they love so much. Maybe they should have eaten in the car before the game? Your kids sound as terrible as you do.

“Very nice arena but music and announcements are non-stop between plays. The noise level from the music and sound system is way too loud. The atmosphere is manufactured instead of letting the fans create there own noise and atmosphere. Announcer calls the players names like they are wrestlers or boxers.The Devils dancers are bush league. The announcer and music are way too much a part of the event. No place to stand and eat your food other than in your seat. Long lines for condiments because there aren’t enough condiment stations.”

Oh please. Oh please. Oh please. The music sucks, it’s too loud, and the announcer doesn’t say the player’s names the way you want him to? You just have everything handed to you in life don’t ya? I hope your hot dog was dry when you gave up at trying to get some ketchup for it.

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you hate the human race?

  1. It’s like reading reviews for yoga videos. Some will say: “It was really slow. We didn’t do jumping jacks. I didn’t get a workout. And there was breathing. Yuck.” Um, that’s why it’s called freaking YOGA you idiot. You want a workout? Go get a freaking Zumba tape or something. Idiots.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Exactly. Negative reviews are fun to look through. I was looking at something on Amazon with a very similar title to 50 Shades of Grey. A lot of the reviews were like “This had nothing to do with the other books. I was very upset.” They should have realized this had nothing to do with the other books when they saw the author was different and the title and description clearly stated there were zombies involved. Again, idiots.

  2. tinkadele says:

    Hahaha. That is all.

  3. Lily says:

    These people are the worst. It sounds like most of them are older, or this is their first experience at a game. Why would you bring a pocket knife to a hockey game? Can’t you just assume that you wouldn’t need that and leave it at home? Just buy a new one! Oy.
    I like the person saying how mean the chanting is. Kind of sad and sweet.

    • Mooselicker says:

      People think they run the world. In a sport as violent as hockey, do they really think it’s going to be Disney out there? Plus the arena is in Newark. All they do is riot there.

  4. Luddy's Lens says:

    I’m usually up to 12 by the end of the day.

    I have the impression that none of these people have ever before been to a live hockey game. The music was too loud? Whath’fuh…

  5. Sadly, the act of whining often gets results. The squeeky wheel is the first to get the grease and many of us will exert great effort to silence a whiner. It happens all the time on “Bones”.

    I’m a solid 8, pushing 9, on your hate-ometer. Humans are, basicaly, animals and like any other species the smart ones stay in the nest while the dumb ones luber about trying not to get eaten.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Are you suggesting cannibalism? I’m not disagreeing with you on this. We should eat these whiners. Let’s see them complain about that.

      • Carter says:

        “You’re using too much salt. Don’t use your hands, use a shrimp fork. I’m not sure this cauldron was disinfected because I see spots. The flank is being overcooked because the oven temperature is uneven. You should pair me with Cabernet, not Chianti, idiot.”

  6. rossmurray1 says:

    This is a good post but the font is too small for my eyes to read because of all the pharmaceutical drugs and it’s too English-y and why are so many people leaving comments and I have to scroll all the way down here?

  7. Lauri says:

    LOL. Enjoyed the whole post and the comments.
    Whoops. Am I not being whiny enough?

    • Mooselicker says:

      No you’re being much better than the nancies I am complaining about. I seriously probably have the best comments on my blog posts. Ignore my writing. The comments is where the real magic happens. It gets a little crazy sometimes.

  8. The Waiting says:

    This post could not have come at a better time because today I was thinking about a friend of mine who is a self-described “unpretentious foodie” (tremendous oxymoron, I know) who CONSTANTLY uploads pictures of food on Facebook from expensive restaurants and then just rails on how sub-par it was. For some reason it really, really rubs me the wrong way. I mean, why do you go out and waste so much of your husband’s money on food that you are likely going to dislike? One time my husband and I were visiting her and her husband in their town and they took us to some restaurant that they had never been to before and my friend and I ordered the same thing. When our meals came, I said it was really good but she had to make a big scene and send hers back because it was “inedible.” So not only did she kind of embarrass all of us with her “unpretentiousness” but she also basically told me I have the palate of a dingo for choking it down.

    Ugh. Sorry I wrote a small novella there. But yeah, I hate people complaining just to complain.

    • Mooselicker says:

      This friend sounds awful. A real friend of mine told me about a girl she hates who posts pictures of herself at resorts in the Bahamas complaining about how much nicer it could be. She also posts fancy clothes she wears then says there are cheaper almost as good versions at Target that “everyone else can afford.” It’s not the same, but still a shitty thing someone does.

      I think you should always focus on something positive when it comes to a shared experience. I never like seeing a movie, especially when I pay, and the person hates it. Unless of course it’s something really bad then I can’t blame them for hating it. It’s great to live in a country where expensive food can taste like dog shit.

  9. josefkul says:

    “The game was boring”? Wow, do the same talentless losers that do movie reviews moonlight or practice their whining on sports sites, because these reviews read almost the same. Did they have a specific script they handed out to all members involved in the game and were shocked when things weren’t displayed as they intended. Who goes to a game and expects to be entertained in the exact same manner they were with separate games? The only thing a sports fan needs to do is shut up and watch the game while trash talking until they get surprised at who wins or loses at the end. If people win you go to the bar and have some drinks with friends before getting trashed and waking up in some ditch somewhere. If your team loses you go to the bar and have some drinks with friends before getting trashed and waking up in some ditch somewhere. That is all.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I see you must be a fan of some crappy teams and know from experience, eh?

      One year for my birthday I went to a hockey game and it was a 0-0 tie. We still had fun. One of my friends threw up in the car. These reviewers act as if the players will read the review then take a few more risks. Ha! Athletes can’t read.

  10. benzeknees says:

    I was quite offended by your first “response.” Please see this:

    • Mooselicker says:

      You seem to have taken that a little too personal. I understand what it’s like to be obese, I was myself. It’s not fun and I have many stories about getting bullied in school. I was even part of a group in high school called FatKids United, embracing being overweight. I believe there’s a difference between a personal insult and a general one. I try not to makes things personal (except with celebrities or people who have wronged me because neither would care anyway). I apologize if it offended you and it’s a sensitive topic or even involves a trigger word to you. I’m on the side though that as long as it’s not malicious and directed at an individual, I do not see a problem. Someone yelling an insult out a car window at someone is different than a comment about a mystery person who seems to complain about one problem then make it worse in an open forum on a comments section for a hockey team.

      • benzeknees says:

        I was offended by your use of the term obese in order to get a laugh. Did you really think this was funny? To me it would be like saying they had trouble getting to their seats because they were physically handicapped & then making a joke about it. Yes, I took it personally because not everyone has a choice about their weight & making it a part of a joke is tantamount to making a joke about someone because of their race or sexual orientation.

  11. Carter says:

    Probably a 12. I never understand why people take the time to leave negative comments instead of moving the fuck on with life. Although I sometimes wish I could leave negative comments for ex-girlfriends, except I know someone else will always be “First!” Totally pwned.

    If I didnt think memes were terrible, I’d make these, in a series titled “Dear People, Love Internet”:

    Everyone’s tastes and opinons are terrible. Please leave your negativity offline.

    Do you know how incredible even a buggy piece of software is? You can always go play with rocks.

  12. Lauri says:

    Hmmmm. Internet whiners. 😛

  13. I consider myself a pretty good whiner.

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