This is the first thing I submitted to CollegeHumor. They never rejected it. They simply ignored it. This was two months ago so I think it’s safe to say I should just post it here. It’s long, but it’s also very thought-out and took real research.
15 Celebrity Deformities You Will Want to Forget
On magazine covers, in films, and on television, at first glance these celebrities are near flawless. Thanks in part to Photoshop or pulling a Wilson from Home Improvement and cleverly covering any deformities with a fence, the body issues these famous people have can be hidden, thus maintaining the perfect image we have of them in our heads. Now with the Internet’s popularity it is impossible for these famous people to hide how gross they really are.
John Stamos: Outie Belly Button
An entire generation of females with an ‘Uncle Jesse Fetish’ would be shocked to find out what is lurking in his midriff. Even actress Jennifer Lawrence has admitted to having a thing for the Full House star and occasional Beach Boys contributor. John Stamos has an incredibly disgusting outie belly button and it just feels wrong knowing this. Blindfolded sex with Rebecca Romijn must have been the most uncomfortable moment for Mr. Stamos and his outie belly button. Imagine the embarrassment when she began playing with his outie thinking it was his penis.
Val Kilmer: Gross Elbow
On the set of The Doors, former actor Val Kilmer (I think at this point we can refer to him as ‘former actor’ since he has not done much in the last decade) suffered an injury causing his elbow to appear like it had grown a beer belly. Nobody seemed to notice much, because in 1994 Val was nominated as the ‘Most Desirable Male’ at the MTV Movie Awards. If the fans had only known his elbow looked pregnant they may not have honored him with such a prestigious nomination. He ended up losing to William Baldwin. I do not remember 1994 much, but I do remember never seeing a William Baldwin poster on a teenage girl’s bedroom wall.
Oprah Winfrey: Six Toes
In the minds of her fans Oprah Winfrey can do no wrong. She is open with her audience about her struggles with weight loss as well as her heterosexual relationship with longtime beard Stedman. One thing Oprah never brought up was how on one of her feet she allegedly has six toes. Perhaps the extra toe is a sensitive topic. Maybe she even planned to gain enough weight where she would get diabetes and could get the thing removed and not have it be for cosmetic reasons. Who knows? The only real question we should be asking is if her extra little piggy went to the market or if it stayed home. Oprah later dismissed this sixth toe rumor on an episode of her show. Now all she has to do is pull a Josef Stalin and erase all photographic evidence of her freak foot ever existing.
Rivers Cuomo: Uneven Legs
He may look just like Buddy Holly and he may have his hash pipe. However, one thing Weezer singer Rivers Cuomo was not born with were legs the same length. In adulthood, his bad leg was two inches shorter than the good one, or the other way around, depending on whether or not you like long legs. Rivers has been open enough about the problem. The experience of having corrective surgery inspired him to write the song, ‘The Good Life.’ This song did not feature drug or pop culture references and there were no Muppets singing in the music video, so nobody really gave a shit.
Catherine O’Hara: Situs Inversus (Reverse Body)
Probably best known as ‘the mom from Home Alone’, Catherine O’Hara was born with a rare and traumatizing condition, being Canadian. In addition to that she has Situs Inversus which essentially means her internal organs are on the opposite sides of her body. Thank goodness she’s Canadian, because it would have looked entirely disrespectful for her to put her left hand over her right side during the Pledge of Allegiance. It is also unclear if she poops out of her mouth or not. My guess? Not always.
Matthew Perry: Small ‘Fuck You’ Finger
We can only imagine how much Matthew Perry hates everyone. He looks like an angry sour puss faced man and ever since Friends went off the air he has pretty much been forgotten about. After a childhood accident, Mr. Perry lost the top portion of his ‘Fuck You’ finger, sometimes referred to as ‘the one in the middle.’ It has not stopped him from much, besides other drivers taking him less seriously whenever he flips them the bird.
Billy Corgan: Blotchy Hand
A recognizable voice, the ability to create killer guitar riffs, and now a blotchy stained hand are what will make you think of Smashing Pumpkin’s singer Billy Corgan. Corgan was born with Klippel-Trenauney syndrome, sometimes abbreviated KTS because people are lazy and never learn how to spell new words. Other than the obvious physical deformity covering areas on his left hand, the singer does suffer some physical impairment due to this congenital circulatory disorder. Could growing up feeling different be the reasoning as to why Corgan chose a darker genre of music? If you are really thinking about it, you have too much time on your hands. I guess that is still better than having a blotchy stain on them.
Megan Fox: Stubby Thumbs
When the first Transformers film came out Megan Fox instantly became a sex symbol and the masturbatory fantasy of teenage boys, middle-aged boys, and old men nearing death. Let’s face it, we all thought she was hot no matter what age we were. It was not long until jealous women began pointing out her stubby thumbs. Who gives a fuck? Stubby thumbs will make other things look and feel bigger. I am of course referring to my wallet and fake interest in what she has to say, the two things women care about most.
Dan Aykroyd: Webbed Feet
The Saturday Night Live alumnus has a deep dark secret. Maybe it’s not so dark because he made a video of it. What discriminatory things can there really be said about Aykroyd? He is a comedy legend. He also did not do much to help out Jim Belushi’s career, which we should all thank him for. I will lay off any insults about his freak feet.
Andy Garcia: Conjoined Twin
No photographic evidence exists of Andy Garcia’s conjoined twin. If I had to guess as to why no one ever snapped a photograph it is because it would be incredibly creepy to take a picture of a dead twin attached to your living child’s shoulder. Garcia was too young to remember the ordeal. Too bad we all are not too young to forget The Godfather Part III.
Denzel Washington: Crooked Pinky
A great smile, tremendous acting chops, incredible range, and a pinky so crooked it could make a porn star’s dick jealous. During a childhood basketball game, Denzel broke his finger and never had it put back into place. Who knows what would have happened if he had indeed gotten that pinky fixed? He may have continued with his basketball career and Chris Tucker would be known as the greatest African-American actor of our time. Thank goodness the United States does not provide its citizens with universal healthcare.
Jennifer Garner: Baby Toe Crosses Over
Elektra star Jennifer Garner has brachymetatarsia, a medical condition in which one of the five long bones of the foot is shorter than the others resulting in a shortened toe. Calling her the star of Elektra seemed to take away any shock from this condition. I could have told you she supports terrorism and yet the Elektra thing would be far worse. There is nothing wrong with having a weird foot. There is a lot wrong with agreeing to star in Elektra, which really should be what we insult Garner for.
Steven Tyler: Talon Foot
Big lipped front man from the band Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, has never been a pleasure to look at. He is what we would all imagine a platypus vagina to look like if it imploded in on itself. Once he removes his shoes things get worse. Tyler reportedly messed up his feet badly from years of jumping around on stage. Nerve damage caused his feet to look like a talon. Still though, why does his face look the way it does? Tyler must have been born on a Sunday, God’s day off from making sure things work out right.
Jersey Shore Cast: Born Without Brains
It is amazing how a cast of people born without brains can possibly function, fornicate, and get their own reality television show. This is exactly what happened to these idiots. Instead of brains, the cast of Jersey Shore were born with dead cats in their skulls. No photographic evidence exists, however, six seasons on television between 2009 and 2012 is proof enough that their heads are indeed filled with deceased felines.
Vince Vaughn: Penis Thumb
Funny man Vince Vaughn (let us forget about Four Christmases so we can describe him as ‘funny’) is not afraid to laugh at himself. He refers to his thumb as a penis with a fingernail. When Vaughn was 17 he lost the tip of his thumb in a car accident. What Vaughn did not lose was his sense of humor (except during the filming of Four Christmases). A penis thumb is not the most inconvenient thing to have in life. It seems perfect for pranks and probably helped him earn free drinks at a bar at some point in life. Now if only Four Christmases was repackaged as a film called “Four Christmas and Two Penises” we might be able to stand Reese Witherspoon’s sense of humor a little more.