One of the few subjects I didn’t mind in school was history. History is fun to learn about because it’s 25% Nazis, 25% Aliens, 25% Bible/Vikings, 25% Ice Road Truckers. I had some lousy history teachers though and it kind of ruined what could have been an enjoyable learning experience.

I’ll start with the dumbest thing anyone told me. My 8th grade history teacher was a crazy woman named Mrs. Chernoski whom I have mentioned before at some point I’m sure. She would dress up in character and do dumb voices then try to be relatable. I never bought into her bullshit. She tried getting me to fill up her vase with water once while I was doing homework during study hall. I told her no and we argued. I absolutely hate flowers. I would do anything to make sure they died of dehydration. I would have done the same for Mrs. Chernoski. She was annoying and still to this day when I see a child crying I know she is somehow responsible.

Baby crying

(Chernoski was here)

The fact Chernoski told me that was untrue was that Abraham Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater located in Pennsylvania. I’m not sure if she was becoming senile or she really thought this was true. The whole class thought it was true. Then we brought it up on a field trip and Mrs. Chernoski was killed by firing squad for being a lousy human being. Or so I wish.

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=ford’s+theater&rlz=1C1AVSX_enUS418US418&aq=f&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&sa=N&tab=wl

(In case you are interested in where Ford’s Theater is and are too lazy to look it up)

Another strange thing a history teacher told the class happened a year after the Anthrax mailings that occurred post-9/11. The post office they were mailed from was our town’s local post office so it was a trendy thing to talk about. He told us he had a former student whose dad worked for the FBI, not the Federal Booty Inspection. He told her classified information. Daddy told daughter that the government found the Anthrax mailer and he was locked up. He was a scientist from Maryland who drove up to New Jersey to mail his weapon. I don’t know how much of this is true. The same teacher also spent an entire week talking about how cool Rasputin was. It was the story that got him into history. It was also the story he told us that I think ended up getting him fired before Christmas.

ANTHRAX

(I don’t get why everyone freaked. Mailing someone a thrash metal band doesn’t seem like a big deal to me)

I had another history teacher who was intelligent enough other than for the fact he told the class he voted for Condoleeza Rice. Could there be anyone in the world who would have been less qualified to be president? Even Osama Bin Laden seems like a guy who could get the job done better. Well, not now. He’s in Davey Jones’s locker. Did I really just use the phrase “Davey Jones’s locker” and use it properly? I have never felt cooler.

Finally the original inspiration for this piece and inspired by a WordPress conversation, the worst thing a history teacher has ever told me.

It was sometime in elementary school when this happened. I don’t remember which teacher it was, but I know it happened. A teacher very nonchalantly told the class that Asian people have small eyes because many centuries ago when humans were nomadic that they had to travel through the deserts in Asia and sand blew up into their eyes. They had to squint to protect themselves from the sand and evolution happened. This is similar to how in kindergarten my teacher told us that Q’s are O’s who would stick their tongues out at others and they did it so much it got stuck that way.

Curious for the right answer I found this the real reason why Asians appear to have smaller eyes. “For the sake of answering, we will skip the fact that the illusion of “smaller” eyes largely applies to just EAST Asians, and not the many other peoples such as Iranians, Indians, Arabs, etc. East Asians don’t really have “tiny” eyes; it is really the same size as non-East Asians. They simply have a patch of extra skin (called an epithelial fold) above their eyes, because that sort of thing combats the extreme cold and fierce winds of Tibet, where the ancestors of East Asians lived for many tens of thousands of years before migrating down into warmer places. Since the epithelial fold is a part of their DNA, it stayed, even though the need for it no longer exists for all Asians but the Tibetans.” – Wiki Answers

I really wish I knew which teacher this was because I would love to get in touch and ask her why black people are so dark, why Mongolians look so retarded, and why Japanese vaginas are so crooked. And when I say crooked I don’t mean like a vagina who takes bribes from criminals to look the other way. Although, she might think they do that too.

serpico

(They should really make a sequel to Serpico where he tries to take down a dirty crooked vagina. Or don’t. That’s just silly)

What’s a lie/something stupid a teacher has told you?

Comments
  1. Addie says:

    I asked my second grade teacher about Mary. I questioned her virginity, since she had had a child.

    I was sent to the principal.

    That’s what happens when you send a non-Catholic child to a Catholic school. The dumbest things I was told? When there was no answer, they’d say it was a divine mystery. What the hell is a divine mystery?

  2. Those who make fun of history class are doomed to repeat it…
    Oh man… how do I keep coming up with these?

  3. The Waiting says:

    I had a religion teacher in high school who said that the Catholic church was right simply because it had been churching for 2,000 years. Since I was a good presbyterian I called him out on this. I am definitely getting into the part of Heaven reserved for Calvinists.

    As far as history, I had a really, really good American history teacher. She was actually on Jeopardy! and won.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s such poor logic. That’s like saying just because Jesse Owens is older than me he could beat me in a race because in his prime maybe he could, but now it wouldn’t even be a contest. The last comment I left on this had to do with Hitler. I think that’s why I’m thinking about Jesse Owens.

  4. tinkadele says:

    Haha, love this. I’m still in education, yeah I know… how old am I? I’m literally just going to see how far I can take it, I can’t break free now. Plus, I’m pretty close to getting “Dr” as a title. I want it. I want it so bad.

    Even at this level of higher education, sometimes the teachers make no sense. A few months ago, one of my lecturers was like, 20 minutes late for a class, due to a train delay. She came in and told each and every one of us to contact the train company and demand for them to pay for our individual University course fees (like £9,000?) as compensation. Yeah, right, ok.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Are you really going to be a Dr.? Hmmm I feel small. I’m hardly a Mr.

      Why are history teachers always crazy?

      • tinkadele says:

        I love the eccentrics. I really do. I have a soft spot for them. There’s another lecturer who is bald but he has long hair, yeah. Go figure. I’m pretty sure that he houses an owl in his beard as well. He is one of my favs.

  5. And despite all this, I majored in history and then went to grad school for history. My teachers were actually pretty good. But I’m sad that the History Channel wasn’t around then, because my history teachers told us NOTHING about the aliens and Bigfoots and Ice Road Truckers that would be so crucial in my adult life.

    • Mooselicker says:

      History teachers were generally good for me too, just a little crazy. You really missed out on Bigfoot though. I hear 8th grade students will be dedicated a whole semester to the Sasquatch in the upcoming school year. Could you imagine how cool that would be?

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