25th Hours

Hey white people. There is this director named Spike Lee. He’s that black guy who sits in the front row at Knicks games. He made a movie that came out in 2002 that can actually isn’t too anti-Caucasian. In it is a legendary speech by Edward Norton where he talks about everything he hates. I warn you this speech is not safe for work, unless you work for “Al-Ki-Ehh-Da.” Pay attention and you may get that.

So I thought why not write my own 25th Hour speech? It seems so liberating to get it all out. Just to have the chance to say fuck you to everyone who makes your blood boil sounds beautiful. And here it is, my 25th Hour speech, typed out because it’s tough for me to look at angry as Edward Norton. Imagine me saying this with a strange Edward Norton accent and you’ll appreciate it:

Fuck me? Fuck you. Fuck you and everyone in this god damn world.

Fuck neighbors who think they actually own the property they live in. They throw parties and think just because they pay rent they have the right to be as loud as they want. They spend their days screaming at each other and their nights blasting music and the television. You only can’t hear it now because you spent your entire life doing it. Did you hear me you deaf asshole? Shut the fuck up.

Fuck college kids and their complaints about life. While you were off experimenting for four years, the less fortunate people your age in this world were seeking tenure at their pennies a day jobs. Just because you have a degree does not mean you will get a job so quick you occupying Wall Street shit. You own an iPhone. Maybe money would not be such a concern for you if you didn’t spent half your income on beer and weed every Saturday night before heading off to see some shitty hipster band doing covers of lousy pop music.

Fuck the hipsters. You’re not fooling anyone. Your game of pity will only work so long. You spend more time trying to make yourself look accidentally ugly than you do realizing you’re not so special. You may wake up in the morning thinking you’re different and artistic, but you’re not. You’re a motherfucking following sheep. Glasses may make a person look smart or interesting but the second you open your mouth to speak we’ll all know you’re as shallow as that bowl of low-fat hummus you love to post pictures of on Facebook.

Fuck Facebook. Everyone on it uses it to brag when they actually accomplish shit and when they aren’t doing that it’s always an attempt at sympathy. Your day didn’t go the way you wanted it to? Welcome to something called life. Fuck your memes, your vacation pictures, and your haphazardly put together social agendas. You’re not going to change the world using the same form of social media a pedophile uses to jerk off to pictures of young girls.

Speaking of the pedophiles, fuck these phony religious folk who go around praising “His” name only to go home and molest their children, beat their wives, and do the complete opposite of what their favorite book tells them to. Furthermore, fuck the atheists who think their belief is the right way. You’re just as stubborn as everyone else and more than likely wasting your time as much as the Bible thumpers. Live by example and keep your opinions to yourself.

Fuck millionaire athletes and their giant homes and their model wives. They treat the fans like shit and they have everything. Does modesty mean anything to these guys? Sign an autograph, flash a smile, and hustle. That’s all we ask. And don’t get on Twitter bitching and complaining about anything other than not having enough charities to give your money to.

Fuck the debate on gay marriage, both sides. If all of the money spent on the rallies, posters, and all of the other fundraisers by both groups was used on something else we could have one less problem in the world. While members of the pro-gay marriage camp are arguing with the stick up the ass Conservatives, down the street a kid who will never even grow up to know what gender he wants to fuck is dying of cancer in a hospital bed. Come together, stop your fighting, and concentrate on something more important, life.

Fuck corporate loyalty. You can work at a job forever and put all of your effort in and when you ask for one favor they give you a big fat middle finger. You’re nameless and faceless to them. When you bent over backwards to help out they took it as an invite to fuck you over. At least when the economy is shit we can always hope the CEO solves the problems with a shotgun blast to the head. Put your hands together and pray with me.

Fuck every politician out there from Barack Obama to those dickhole dictators overseas. How could we ever be so stupid and think any of these people give a fuck about us? So fuck us all for rallying behind false hope. And fuck those dictators for being such egomaniacs the only way they can prove they have a big dick is by threatening to kill the defenseless. Just because your dad was an asshole doesn’t mean you have to be you big fat loser.

Fuck the Jersey Shore wannabes who spend more time sculpting their hair and abs than they do sculpting a personality. Fuck reality stars whose only enjoyable quality is they’re willing to get dicked on camera. Fuck Hollywood for recycling ideas and pulling wool over our eyes, making us think for once a movie will be worth the $15 it costs.

Fuck the banks for not being human. Fuck the housing market for not being able to get their shit together. Fuck girls who string along guys only to use them when they need favors without ever having more intent than using him as a ride. And fuck those guys for being such damn pussies they can’t stand up for themselves then whine about nice guys finishing last. Nice guys don’t finish last, bystanders do.

Fuck the American dream. We’re all told growing up that we are equal and we can be whatever we want to be. It’s as true as Santa Claus. Who you know, who you’re willing to fuck, and who you’re willing to fuck over are what matter, nothing else. To get that home with a picket fence and to have a family who actually gives a shit about you, be prepared to hurt others. It is the only way to get what you want.

No. Fuck us all. Fuck us all for putting up with this shit and never doing anything about it.

Well that felt good.