Some people say they don’t see race. Those people are liars. How will they ever help to identify a mugger if they don’t see race? What will they tell the sketch artist? Would they instead overly describe common racial features which in a way could be even more racist than identifying a person by race? I see nothing wrong with referring to someone by any race at all because it doesn’t really matter. Well, I guess it does matter. I’m not going to ask a black person for karate tips. I know in karate the black belt is the best one out there, but that still doesn’t mean just because they’re covered in it that they know what they’re talking about. It’s the same way I would never ask a white person for advice on how to make a racial joke about black people and it not offend at least one oversensitive person. See my above “black people look like a giant black belt” joke above for a great example on how we have no clue what we’re doing.
The following categories I’m going to talk about are not necessarily races as much as they are a mix of different races, nationalities, and countries of origins. It’s easier to call them races though. Not only does it alliterate the title of this piece, it simplifies things. This is simply my master list of how well other races seem to like me. I think we all get along with certain groups better than others. It’s our attitudes and upbringing that determine things like this. Or maybe you just hate Europeans. I’m not sure. Anyway, this is my personal rankings.
1) Hispanics – I get along with Hispanics awesomely. I’m talking all Hispanics too. Mexicans, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, and everything in South Americans I get along with great. I’m not sure when it started, but it was definitely when I was younger. I’ve always had crushes on Hispanic girls too. Maybe it’s because I was forced in sixth grade to dance with one? I’m not sure. I enjoy the bubbly personalities Hispanic girls have. For Hispanic guys, we more so just go about our business. They’ll make jokes I don’t understand and I’ll try to add tags to their jokes that they don’t understand. It’s a good team effort. Not to mention, the Spanish guy Joe living below me always says “hola” to me. At first I thought he meant “holla” so I spoke up more loudly. Yeah, that joke only works in text form.
(My favorite Hispanic, Sofia Vergara. Every woman should make fun noises, have big breasts, and make rape jokes on The View)
2) White Non-Americans – This category includes Canadians, Europeans, and Australians. I get along great with Canadians because they’re so polite. I get along great with Europeans because they can be so grim and I can be too. I get along great with Australians because I’ve met three ever and we didn’t punch each other. I’ve thought for a while now that I’m living in the wrong country. When a German model-type flirted with me years ago (and I’m not even exaggerating) I knew my dad should have been a military man so I’d have an excuse to live in foreign countries. Of course nothing ever came of me and that German model. Apparently they’re more into black guys with gross scars and overrated singing voices named after arctic animals. I’m talking about Seal.
(My favorite White Non-American, the crew from Of Monsters and Men. The chick singer is adorable and the main guy singer is a big fat mess. You gotta respect that)
3) Blacks/African-Americans – Not that I have a plethora of black friends or anything, but when I have talked with black people I have always gotten along. More so, I’ve always gotten along well with black women. The older I get the more we drift apart which is natural because I become more their enemy and they become mine. It’s kind of like that whole The Fox and the Hound situation where we’re natural enemies, but we grew up friendly and now it’s time we go our separate ways. Black men and I usually get along fine. I think they enjoy my sass. I remind them of their mothers or grandmothers, depending on the situation.
(My favorite Black/African-American, Carter Johns! I wanted at least one person on my list to actually read this. Sofia Vergara has more important things than to read my blog these days. Special note: This is not an actual picture of Carter Johns, but I wanted to see if he even noticed the difference)
4) White Americans – Essentially the group I grew up around most, they are quickly becoming the racial affiliation I enjoy the least. Have you ever noticed how flat our characters are? White Americans are born, they live, and then they die. I think part of the reason why I try to get to know more ethnic people better is because there’s usually a bit more struggle there. What do white Americans struggle with, the parking situation in their large garages? I guess it’s mostly the American aspect I find least attractive of all. Does any other country chant their country’s name obnoxiously at sporting events? Chants of “USA! USA! USA!” makes me want to cover my face and pray for deafness.
(My favorite White American, John Swartzwelder. I don’t know why I’m choosing him. He’s just obscure)
5) The Jews – When it comes to my relationship with Jewish people, it’s one extreme or the other. I think it’s more a male and female thing. Male Jews and I are one in the same. Female Jews and I are whatever is the opposite of one in the same. Two out the opposite? I’m overly neurotic and used to getting beat down and deflecting pain with humor like many male Jewish folk tend to do. The only thing I have in common with Jewish women is neither of us enjoys giving blow jobs. Not that I know what it’s like to give one, but it’s just a feeling that I get.
(My favorite member of The Jews, David Zucker. The writer and director of movies like Airplane and The Naked Gun proved to me that Hitler was a bad man)
6) Indians/Middle Easterners – Also included here are any cultures I don’t quite understand from that region of the world. There aren’t many people in this category I have had real relationships with. Normally it’s a gas station attendant who will say “Thank you my friend” which seems a little too easy to become his friend. The few people I have gotten to know in this category tend to not really like me. I get a lot of blank stares from them. A part of it could be a communication or cultural barrier, but I think for the most part we just don’t get along for some unknown ancient reason. I really should try to befriend at least one Saudi Arabian. I’ve always wanted to wear one of their napkin hats.
(My favorite Indian/Middle Easterner, the kid I accidentally punched in the balls during 11th grade gym class while playing basketball. Sorry dude)
7) Asians – For whatever reason, Asians despise me. My biggest enemy in school was Asian. Do you know what the odds of that are? Very slim because there were like 6 in my school. Far East Asians are also the one group of people who I have never even remotely developed a romantic relationship with. There’s never been a single candidate who thought of me as a viable person to take me home to their mothers/Judo instructors. I think I may look too mean for the women as they seem to prefer nicer well-to-do men. The few Asian males I have had conversations with were a little too wild for me. They were the rebellious few who didn’t get upset over B’s on their report cards.
(My favorite Asian, Kim Jong Un. Compared to the kid I went to school with, this guy is a saint)
8) Hawaiians/Pacific Islanders/Other – I don’t really know many people who fall into this category. I assume The Rock, who is half-black/half-Samoan wouldn’t mind me very much. I’ve been told I would be hated if I ever went to the Philippines which doesn’t surprise me because I’m hated whenever I go to a family gathering enough. Imagine how much bloodshed would happen in a country where I’d make everyone else uncomfortable. I think this is another case of cultures and attitudes being completely different. These people tend to be much simpler. Not that I’m living some complicated lifestyle. The most complicated thing about my life is that I have to open up three doors to get into my apartment. It’s very troublesome whenever you’re trying to carry something heavy like a bed or that missing girl from two towns over.
(My favorite Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, Tia Carrere. Her only downfall is that she played a character that had to choose between dating Mike Myers and Christopher Walken. Ummm I may have a chance)
Holy shit this was long.