Archive for May, 2013

I’m going to take a moment today to talk about a voluptuous part of the human body, the eyes. Eyes are the most important feature I look for in a girl after how kind they are and cup size. Eyes can be the difference between someone being beautiful and a hideous monster. Think about the most attractive celebrity you can. Do they have beautiful eyes? Of course he does. Steve Buscemi’s eyes are gorgeous!

steve buscemi

Eyes come in many forms. They come big, small, squinted, crossed, walled, rashy, blue, green, brown, grey, bloodshot, patched, sewn shut, etc. Eyes are a part of the body that varies more than any other. Other parts of the body need a scar or a weird deformity to look different from others. Eyes are created uniquely from the start. I love eyes. Sometimes when I really like a gal and she tells me I can’t have her I’ll ask if I can keep her eyes in a jar as a token of my obsession. They always say no. The lesson here, persistence.

I enjoy my eyes. Whenever asked what my favorite feature is I’ll usually go with my massive bank account and large penis. This of course only works if the person hasn’t gone out to dinner with me or seen me with my pants down, which usually happens at the end of dinners. Did you know if you take your pants off after eating at a restaurant they don’t make you pay? They call the cops. Free meals are great.

Subway-Free-meal-for-the-homeless-every-friday(On the other side it says “Free meal for people who bring in air fresheners every Friday 5-7PM”)

My eyes are blue. Sometimes people tell me they’re green or grey which is a lie because they are blue. My driver’s license says they are blue. My driver’s license also says I’m 5’10 and an organ donor. I dare you to get these kidneys out of me you sons of bitches.

Like breasts really exist for providing children with milk, eyes were given to us for more than sexual reasons. People and animals have eyes so that we can see. With these eyes we can see a woman breast-feeding then choose whether or not we should be outraged, nonchalant, or a little turned on. Whenever I see a woman breast-feed in public I get a little turned on, then outraged, then finally I’m very nonchalant about it because that’s the reaction I get to everything.

I used to have pretty good eyes for seeing. I used to think I was part dragon because I could see better in the dark. Now though with about 1/3rd of my life over with, my eye’s talents have waivered. I don’t drive anymore which is nice because I could never see a damn thing when I did, especially at night and in the rain. I still have to worry about menus hanging on walls. Sometimes people working in these restaurants will get angry with me because I have difficulty reading. At that point I usually remove my pants and they no longer are mad because it’s hard to be mad and scared at the same time.

menu(I’d probably just walk out of this place if I saw the menu that far away)

Other than using for vision, eyes can speak. When a person rolls their eyes it’s like saying “Oh my, what you’re doing or saying is ridiculous.” When you bug them out it lets people know you’re a bit shocked by the situation. When you pull them back and instead of saying L’s you say R’s it makes us aware that you enjoy making fun of people from the Far East. How dare you! It’s a very unpreasant thing to do.

If given the choice, I would rather lose my hearing than my eyesight. Losing my hearing would mean I wouldn’t be able to enjoy music, conversation, or books on tape any longer. Luckily I will never have to make this choice between eyesight and hearing because as is the circle of life, I will probably weaken in both aspects in the coming years. Growing old is tough. Thankfully I’ll get to see with my eyes the horrors of life can do to a human body, face, and mind.

I spent a good portion of yesterday doing things most people don’t normally do on Memorial Day. I didn’t barbecue, I didn’t salute a flag, and the best thing I ate was probably a plain tortilla out of a bag. Instead of conforming to the American Way, I decided to start doing my own comic strip. It’s very simple to do and feeds a creative need to tell a story and get it out there for everyone to see. I’ll probably do a few every week since they’re real simple to do and I enjoy them. Ignore the extra space since I’m cropping these in Paint so you don’t have to click a thousand links. The serious is called Held Back, based partially on something else I wrote but not really.

Held Back: Homecoming Date Part 1 & Part 2

homecoming p1 edited

homecoming p2 edited

Held Back: No Running in the Hall

no running in the hall edited

Held Back: The Faculty Bathroom

faculty bathroom edited

Held Back: Trip to the Art Museum

art museum trip

Held Back: Guess Who I Am

guess who i am edited

Held Back: The Joy of Babysitting

joy of babysitting edited

Held Back: Holiday Plans

holiday plans

Held Back: The Old Cynic

old cynic edited

Held Back: My First Time

first time edited

As already stated, I’ll post anything new I create up on here every so often. For access to the website or to be current and see them before anyone else you can visit my profile and have at it.

Some people say they don’t see race. Those people are liars. How will they ever help to identify a mugger if they don’t see race? What will they tell the sketch artist? Would they instead overly describe common racial features which in a way could be even more racist than identifying a person by race? I see nothing wrong with referring to someone by any race at all because it doesn’t really matter. Well, I guess it does matter. I’m not going to ask a black person for karate tips. I know in karate the black belt is the best one out there, but that still doesn’t mean just because they’re covered in it that they know what they’re talking about. It’s the same way I would never ask a white person for advice on how to make a racial joke about black people and it not offend at least one oversensitive person. See my above “black people look like a giant black belt” joke above for a great example on how we have no clue what we’re doing.

The following categories I’m going to talk about are not necessarily races as much as they are a mix of different races, nationalities, and countries of origins. It’s easier to call them races though. Not only does it alliterate the title of this piece, it simplifies things. This is simply my master list of how well other races seem to like me. I think we all get along with certain groups better than others. It’s our attitudes and upbringing that determine things like this. Or maybe you just hate Europeans. I’m not sure. Anyway, this is my personal rankings.

1) Hispanics – I get along with Hispanics awesomely. I’m talking all Hispanics too. Mexicans, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, and everything in South Americans I get along with great. I’m not sure when it started, but it was definitely when I was younger. I’ve always had crushes on Hispanic girls too. Maybe it’s because I was forced in sixth grade to dance with one? I’m not sure. I enjoy the bubbly personalities Hispanic girls have. For Hispanic guys, we more so just go about our business. They’ll make jokes I don’t understand and I’ll try to add tags to their jokes that they don’t understand. It’s a good team effort. Not to mention, the Spanish guy Joe living below me always says “hola” to me. At first I thought he meant “holla” so I spoke up more loudly. Yeah, that joke only works in text form.

(My favorite Hispanic, Sofia Vergara. Every woman should make fun noises, have big breasts, and make rape jokes on The View)

2) White Non-Americans – This category includes Canadians, Europeans, and Australians. I get along great with Canadians because they’re so polite. I get along great with Europeans because they can be so grim and I can be too. I get along great with Australians because I’ve met three ever and we didn’t punch each other. I’ve thought for a while now that I’m living in the wrong country. When a German model-type flirted with me years ago (and I’m not even exaggerating) I knew my dad should have been a military man so I’d have an excuse to live in foreign countries. Of course nothing ever came of me and that German model. Apparently they’re more into black guys with gross scars and overrated singing voices named after arctic animals. I’m talking about Seal.

of monsters and men(My favorite White Non-American, the crew from Of Monsters and Men. The chick singer is adorable and the main guy singer is a big fat mess. You gotta respect that)

3) Blacks/African-Americans – Not that I have a plethora of black friends or anything, but when I have talked with black people I have always gotten along. More so, I’ve always gotten along well with black women. The older I get the more we drift apart which is natural because I become more their enemy and they become mine. It’s kind of like that whole The Fox and the Hound situation where we’re natural enemies, but we grew up friendly and now it’s time we go our separate ways. Black men and I usually get along fine. I think they enjoy my sass. I remind them of their mothers or grandmothers, depending on the situation.

carter johns(My favorite Black/African-American, Carter Johns! I wanted at least one person on my list to actually read this. Sofia Vergara has more important things than to read my blog these days. Special note: This is not an actual picture of Carter Johns, but I wanted to see if he even noticed the difference)

4) White Americans – Essentially the group I grew up around most, they are quickly becoming the racial affiliation I enjoy the least. Have you ever noticed how flat our characters are? White Americans are born, they live, and then they die. I think part of the reason why I try to get to know more ethnic people better is because there’s usually a bit more struggle there. What do white Americans struggle with, the parking situation in their large garages? I guess it’s mostly the American aspect I find least attractive of all. Does any other country chant their country’s name obnoxiously at sporting events? Chants of “USA! USA! USA!” makes me want to cover my face and pray for deafness.

 John_Swartzwelder_Retouched(My favorite White American, John Swartzwelder. I don’t know why I’m choosing him. He’s just obscure)

5) The Jews – When it comes to my relationship with Jewish people, it’s one extreme or the other. I think it’s more a male and female thing. Male Jews and I are one in the same. Female Jews and I are whatever is the opposite of one in the same. Two out the opposite? I’m overly neurotic and used to getting beat down and deflecting pain with humor like many male Jewish folk tend to do. The only thing I have in common with Jewish women is neither of us enjoys giving blow jobs. Not that I know what it’s like to give one, but it’s just a feeling that I get.

david zucker(My favorite member of The Jews, David Zucker. The writer and director of movies like Airplane and The Naked Gun proved to me that Hitler was a bad man)

6) Indians/Middle Easterners – Also included here are any cultures I don’t quite understand from that region of the world. There aren’t many people in this category I have had real relationships with. Normally it’s a gas station attendant who will say “Thank you my friend” which seems a little too easy to become his friend. The few people I have gotten to know in this category tend to not really like me. I get a lot of blank stares from them. A part of it could be a communication or cultural barrier, but I think for the most part we just don’t get along for some unknown ancient reason. I really should try to befriend at least one Saudi Arabian. I’ve always wanted to wear one of their napkin hats.

Da-Ali-G-Show-h03(My favorite Indian/Middle Easterner, the kid I accidentally punched in the balls during 11th grade gym class while playing basketball. Sorry dude)

7) Asians – For whatever reason, Asians despise me. My biggest enemy in school was Asian. Do you know what the odds of that are? Very slim because there were like 6 in my school. Far East Asians are also the one group of people who I have never even remotely developed a romantic relationship with. There’s never been a single candidate who thought of me as a viable person to take me home to their mothers/Judo instructors. I think I may look too mean for the women as they seem to prefer nicer well-to-do men. The few Asian males I have had conversations with were a little too wild for me. They were the rebellious few who didn’t get upset over B’s on their report cards.

kim-jong-un-hairstyle(My favorite Asian, Kim Jong Un. Compared to the kid I went to school with, this guy is a saint)

8) Hawaiians/Pacific Islanders/Other – I don’t really know many people who fall into this category. I assume The Rock, who is half-black/half-Samoan wouldn’t mind me very much. I’ve been told I would be hated if I ever went to the Philippines which doesn’t surprise me because I’m hated whenever I go to a family gathering enough. Imagine how much bloodshed would happen in a country where I’d make everyone else uncomfortable. I think this is another case of cultures and attitudes being completely different. These people tend to be much simpler. Not that I’m living some complicated lifestyle. The most complicated thing about my life is that I have to open up three doors to get into my apartment. It’s very troublesome whenever you’re trying to carry something heavy like a bed or that missing girl from two towns over.

 Tia_Carrere_2(My favorite Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, Tia Carrere. Her only downfall is that she played a character that had to choose between dating Mike Myers and Christopher Walken. Ummm I may have a chance)

Holy shit this was long.

What makes a good Facebook friend? If I could ask God one question it would probably be that. I mean, why overwhelm the guy? He might even be like, “Oh shit Tim. Me damn that’s a good question.” Rather than answer this near impossible question, I’m going to tell you a little bit about my favorite and least favorite Facebook friends.

Least Favorite:

Guy who likes all of his statuses, pictures, and was Catfished into a relationship. I first saw he was in a relationship with a bombshell I opened my window, stuck my head outside, and judged whether or not it was high enough for me to die if I jumped out. Then logic sent in and I knew he was probably just having a prank pulled on him by some lonely person. I’m also not a fan of the guy in general because during the first week of sixth great he threatened to beat me up. Why am I Facebook friends with him? The same reason I look at pictures of plane crashes on Google images, to cheer myself up.

Favorite:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher and the last one to win over 30 games in a season, Denny Mclain. This guy is a nut. He’s been to prison a bunch of times for white collar crimes like being better at winning money while betting on sports than you could ever dream. What’s great about him on Facebook is instead of replying to people who post on his Wall he will update his status with things like “Thank you” then sign his name. He must do this 8 times a day. Trust me. It’s a lot more fun than I make it sound.

denny_mc_lain

(Denny Mclain displaying the horrors of metabolism with age)

Least Favorite:

The latest girl to delete me as a friend. I’m not sure why she deleted me. I’m not sure why she even stopped talking to me. We got along great. I touched her elbow and she said she liked it. We were texting and she went with a friend to get frozen yogurt with the promise she would text me after. No text was sent until a few days later when I asked how she was. Then she pretty much disappeared, moved to another country, and deleted me from Facebook. Can you believe this isn’t the first time a girl I liked moved to another country within three months after meeting her? My fuckin’ life.

Favorite:

No one compares to The Unbreakable Michael Elgin. Michael Elgin is an independent wrestler from Canada whose status updates filled with typos and references to how much weight he can lift always lift my spirits. The best storyline he ever had going on his Facebook was when he was getting his mother, Mama Elgin, to do squats with him. Did you know she was asked to be in the movie Over the Top and had to decline because she was preggers with The Unbreakable Michael Elgin? Bet you didn’t!

michael elgin

(He’s unbreakable until it comes to a game of Scrabble. Then he completely collapses)

Least Favorite:

The least funny person I am Facebook friends with is someone I have never met. It’s a male who for some reason added a bunch of comedians a few years back, probably to fill his own unfunny hole. He’s a swell guy, but his jokes are terrible. I think he wanted to be a stand-up comedian and realized he couldn’t because he has the comedic timing of Flight 93. I know I used that joke somewhere else before. It’s just so specific I had to use it again. Once I commented on a status of his and he seemed really snoody. I only remain friends with him as a reminder that there are things more upsetting than funerals.

Favorite:

I got my least favorite comedian out of the way so let’s get to my favorite. Few people can say they’ve dined with their favorite comedians without having to pay money to a charity auction. I’m one of these people. I am Facebook friends with none other than comedian Alan Schwartz. You may remember him from his 1980s comedy special “Parakeets Galore.” I asked Mr. Schwartz where he came up with the title to this legendary comedy album.

“Parakeets Galore is something the rambling lunatic you saw at that one open mic once said in his set. He was talking about a pet store or something like that, but for some reason when he said it in his incoherent ramble; I decided that would be my album or comedy special.” – an edited version of what was said so Alan doesn’t get hunted down and killed

parakeets galore

(Enough parakeets to be measured in a “galore” amount)

Who are your favorite and least favorite Facebook friends?

On Friday someone in Florida won a lot of money from playing the Powerball. I used to go to school with a kid who would dare us to kick him in the nuts. We’d call him Powerball then make fun of him for having steel testicles. He’s probably somewhere out there right now winning bar bets and traveling around with a carnival, insulting carnival goers until they pay $5 to punch him in the groin. He’s living the life we all want to live. He gets paid to be a freak.

puntclub6-carnyman

 

(I’m not quite sure why he needs the mustache, but who am I to question Powerball’s technique?)

Curiosity gets the better of me a lot so I looked up the winning Powerball numbers.

10, 13, 14, 22, 52, and the red ball was 11. When I saw these numbers a lump grew in my throat. All of these numbers are very important to me. I could have won.

10 is for October. October is the 10th month of the year and the month I was born. Everyone always must pick the month they were born as one of their lottery numbers. The ticket is void if you don’t. I’m not sure about null. I think null and void mean the same thing and they’re always together to reiterate the fact that it won’t count.

13 is for the number of years it took me before I started puberty. I remember beginning puberty fondly. I woke up with a crackling voice, a face covered in zits, and sticky underpants. Most people start puberty around this age. Except for progeria kids. They’re kind of born as 20 year olds.

14 is for the first baseball number I ever had minus two. I subtract the two because there was no number 14 or 15 on the team. If you know your math, my number was 16. The way uniforms would work was the larger the number, the larger the kid. I was larger than two kids who did not exist. Number 1 on the team actually might be dead too because he was born with a heart defect. He was really tiny.

22 is for the recommended serving size of M&M’s in one 36 ounce bag. And yes, I buy M&M’s by the 36 ounce. And when I say 22 is the serving size, I don’t mean 22 single M&M’s, I mean 22 ounces. This is quite a problem because you have to buy a lot of bags to get the serving size to equal out. And this is not the real recommended serving size on the package. It’s the amount it takes me to get full.

52 is the age I hope my enemies never live to see. It’s a good enough age for enemies to die. They will experience enough pain in life, physically and emotionally by then. They may have a small glimpse of hope that they will live long enough to be a grandparent or maybe experience joy one last time. They’re my enemies though so I don’t want them to.

Finally we get to good old 11. I’m not sure what the specialty of this number is, being that it’s red and everything. 11 is a very important number in my life though. 11 is the number of pregnancy scares I have had only to discover I had eaten too much salt. 11 is the number of touchdown passes I caught with my Create-A-Player in Madden 2005 in my rookie season. 11 is the number of pounds I should probably lose. 11 is the number of hours in a day I typically spend crying alone. 11 is the number of times I’ll show up at a girl’s house with flowers before I get the message that she’s serious about calling the police. 11 is the number of midgets I have had conversations with in my lifetime, yes I count. 11 represents the month November, the month my first dog was born. In addition to the dog’s birth, Thanksgiving is in November and that’s in the top 25 most important holidays to me. 11 looks like a double middle finger and I’m always doing that.

If only I had played. If only I was willing to spend the money and picked these obvious numbers with deep meaning in my own life. I could have had it all.

I think I would be a really good president. Do you know how good I would be? I typed out “persident” and I knew immediately before the squiggly red line came up that it was wrong. I catch things like that quickly before the average person does. Not only that, I fixed it. And not only that, I was willing to admit my error. What more could you want in a president? I get along great with foreigners too. I almost left that out. I think foreigners like me a lot because I talk down to them in a way where their stupid minds can actually understand me. If I was in charge things would be great and this is how I would solve worldly issues.

The Economy:

economy

(This says it all)

Everybody loves money. Rap stars love it so much they spend lots of it to look like they have none. The American economy has been pretty lousy for quite some time. The first thing that must be done is put a salary cap in baseball and lower the ones in other sports. This would save a couple 100 million dollars which would be the salaries paid to security guards that will be placed in necessary places. I’m not sure where those places are. I’m the president. That’s not my job to come up with everything. The heightened security limits terrorist actions or random shootings. It won’t stop them, but it will limit a few. My other plan to help the economy is to make our world look more modernized and futuristic. This means more construction jobs, design jobs, and other making weird flashy buildings jobs. There will be open tryouts for these jobs too where if you have never worked something like this before you can show up and be taught a task. The economy would be a really slow process and it’s too boring to write about how I would solve it. Ultimately it leads to always creating something new. Aren’t the Japanese like this? The key to running a good economy is realizing it takes everyone to run it. When was the last time you could count on two people to get something done let alone 250 million?

Bullying in Schools:

bullying-essay-635

(What could this girl get bullied about? Being too attractive and blonde?)

This is a really simple solution. Let teachers say “What the fuck is wrong with you?” whenever they see a kid bullying another. When a kid is asked this question he will really think about it. I’m tired of all this bullying crap. Did kids ever kill themselves over bullying until recently? And I guarantee bullying was a lot worse in older days. After watching a documentary called Bully on Netflix, I think the key to it is everyone needs to be bullied. The best way to go about this is make the teachers the bully so the kids ban together against the administration. They will treat each other nicer and work as a team. For now kids see school as something that never seems to end and they lose hope quickly. I do think school lasts entirely too long. High school should be designed more like college and college should be designed more like a long internship. What’s the harm in trying out this idea? It’s not like anyone has a clue what to do with themselves now in the system we have in place today.

Drugs:

legalize drugs

(Isn’t this just asking the government to start up prohibition again? Walking is safer than driving a car. Let’s take away those too)

Make drugs legal, but you must do them in certain designated “daycare centers” where you can be babysat. Not only do people who enjoy doing drugs get to do them, this reduces the chances of death, illegal drug violence, and smoking some weed and not having the energy to call Domino’s. I would make it clear that anyone caught with drugs outside of these designated buildings will be punished by the law very harshly. So if you want to smoke some crack, you need to do it somewhere other than your bathroom where you may end up throwing a kid out of rage.

World Hunger:

lady-eating-chocolate

(I must do this one day)

I would have scientists create some sort of cheap food that can be given out for free. Of course it would taste lame and probably not be all that nutritious, but it’s better than cannibalism. Plus, aren’t you as annoyed as I am with those commercials of hungry African children? Those commercials will no longer exist and we can finally give Sally Struthers the boot once and for all. Did you know some farmers purposefully don’t grow crops because the government tells them to? Read up on Norman “Steel Fist” Borlaug for what we should be doing.

Car Crashes:

(Skip to somewhere around the end to appreciate what I mean)

Okay, now I’m getting a little too specific to my life. This is just my way to irritate how much I think the lines on the road should be painted with glow in the dark paint. I can’t possibly be the only one who is blind driving in the rain at night. Not that I’ve driven in a few months or anything, but still. Also, when are we going to get cars that drive themselves? Too many people die in car accidents and worse, too many people are late to dinner because other people are dying in car accidents. Paint these lines and get these cars to drive themselves already damn it.

Gay Marriage:’

GTPosterSmall

(Does this mean the one who’s Groom is not prideful? Wordplay is confusing)

I would eliminate marriage completely. I know this would probably increase adultery, but if someone is going to not be monogamous with you it doesn’t take some dumb certificate. It’s inevitable. Plus, maybe if we weren’t so stuck on monogamy then cheating wouldn’t be such a horrible thing. Open relationships are so in style these days anyway. There’s even a Facebook option for it. Whenever I see someone on Facebook says they are in an open relationship I wonder which one doesn’t love the other as much. Whenever I see their relationship is listed as “it’s complicated” I wonder which one of them is the attention whore. For all the paper work that goes with getting married like power of attorney or who gets your stuff when you die, you can sign that over to anyone. And you have to update it yearly. I love annual updates.

Healthcare:

healthcare

(I know I can’t see her face, but I’m almost 100% sure the woman in the wheelchair is Asian)

When I’m president healthcare will be free. How? After I make all of the above changes and life is so much better everyone will be willing to help keep each other alive longer. Right now though, life could be more worth living. Until we actually like each other, we’re not going to care whether someone else lives or dies.

I swear I’ll keep this brief and I’m not sure what the point in even blogging about this is other than my nose isn’t brown enough. I also want to point out that not all celebrities are assholes unwilling to give back to their fanbase.

I didn’t find out about this until Monday, but It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor Glenn Howerton posted this on his Twitter back in March:

glenn howerton

 

Read the last one. It’s the most relevant.

Basically he’s soliciting different screenplays, television pilots, and I’m sure he will not turn down nude photographs of women although he did not state it would increase chances, but I have no doubt it would. If you don’t know the story of how It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia got started, it was basically based on a short video made by the cast. Danny Devito somehow discovered it and the rest as they say is a much more interesting and incestuous way than most television shows are created, in-house and remade from unoriginal ideas.

Mr. Howerton went on to answer different questions on his Twitter account, at one point saying that this is not a contest, it’s a “call to arms” and that “everyone just needs a way in.” Of course I emailed something almost immediately (he set up an email address for this to save trees) and now I play the waiting game hoping that I at least hear back.  A “quit now while you can still waste your time on something else” would be as helpful as a “this is amazing.”

This is one of many things I’ve been entering/submitting to in recent days. I entered two things back at the end of February. That contest closes submissions on Monday. There’s another contest that opens on Monday. This contest I entered the last two years with no luck. Then there’s an internship I applied for which I have the least amount of faith in because you needed to include a resume. Whenever I have to include my resume for anything I feel like I’m telling people not to pick me. What age is it acceptable to travel around the country robbing banks and becoming a national hero? I feel like I’m getting close.

But thanks Glenn Howerton for not being a megadouche and instead at least attempting to pay it forward and give other people an opportunity to one day, like Zach Braff, take advantage of their fans.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Season 5 New York Premiere - Arrivals

(Normally I’d be jealous of Mr. Glenn here, but he seems like a nice guy so I shall contain my jealous rage and save it for someone more deserving)