Human imposter (that’s what I call actors) Zach Braff (that’s what I call assholes) has turned to Kickstarter to help make a new movie. He has asked fans (even Hitler had supporters) to donate $2,000,000 to help make his film Wish I Was Here, something I would never say when referring to the film premiere of anything Zach Braff is involved with.

Zach Braff


(A face only a mother could wish to abort)

Kickstarter if you don’t know is where wannabes turn when they want money to make their dreams come true. Usually it’s people who have lots of friends/are Catholics and have large families which is why I would never be able to under any circumstances do my own. I have no friends and as my grandpa used to say, “Pull it out and shoot it on her thigh” so I come from a pretty small family with this sexual advice.

Kickstarter has been pretty good for many people. I don’t have any examples, but some pretty genuine people with crappy ideas have indeed gotten the funds to make their lackluster dreams come true. Hey, it’s America. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness so long as happiness doesn’t come solely from strangling women. A lot of people have been outspoken about how this is a dick move by Braff to ask people for money to help produce a film since he easily has the required funds. I agree with them. At the same point, people have every right to spend money on whatever they want so long as that money isn’t spent on paying someone to strangle a woman.

chris brown


(“Why strangle when you can punch a bitch?” – Chris ‘If You Support My Music You’re An Enabling Douche’ Brown)

I have an idea though. If funds are tight for Zach Braff and he wants to get in real good with the public, why doesn’t he somehow work in helping out others with this project? He can take the money and give out all of his shitty prizes like getting a 10 second recording of Zach Braff saying whatever you want (does he really have a recognizable voice that anyone would care to have this?) or a Zach Braff commemorative 8×10 photograph of him swimming in his royalty checks from Scrubs all he wants. I think if Braff really wants to be a cool guy though he’ll do something better, he’ll give other actors/directors/people who want to get into the industry a chance.

Here’s what Zach should promise. Zach should have a competition. In this competition there are opportunities for however many people he wants at whatever jobs he chooses to either intern or actually do the work. It’s all about to Mr. Braff how this goes down. Having all of these outside folks working on the project will not only give them the opportunity to add something nice to their resume, it will make sure this is indeed a project done by the people. Of course no one will unfortunately have the power to fire Zach Braff then make a better movie, but when you make a deal with the devil not everything will go your way.

selena gomez


(This is how Selena Gomez got famous)

I think the best thing any celebrity of any stature could ever do is get the fans involved. Zach Braff may think asking for money from the fans is getting them involved, but it isn’t. It’s like people who think donating to a presidential candidate helps them get elected. Did anyone really vote for Obama because he drank a beer with someone else after he got enough campaign funds to travel to Harrisburg? I hope not. How weak-minded could one person be?

32,376 people have so far donated $2,446,757 for this project. The average comes to around $75.50 which of course is inflated because it appears one jerk-off donated $10,000 to the project. I’m not saying this money could have been better spent elsewhere, but you’re foolish to think this was a good investment.

What awesome thing would you do with $2,446,757 if you could earn that much on Kickstarter?

And because I’m sure you’re in disbelief that anyone would give money to such a thing, here’s the link to his Kickstarter page. Please note, it’s already gone up about $120 since I copied and pasted this into WordPress. Fuck Us All.

  1. Lauri says:

    I agree. We’re all fucked.

    So far this internet thingy has made me painfully aware of how many stupid people out “out there”.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Stubborn stupid people are the worst. I’m a little happy though that when you break it down he only had this many people donate to his film. If they’re the only ones who go out and see it then it will be a big flop. Fingers crossed!

  2. I was wondering about that. I mean, he already made the movie Garden State with traditional funding.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I read through a bit about this because I was in a good mood and wanted to be angry. He said it would basically be easier this way and get to do everything he wants. How about you get to the talent level where you can get away with whatever you want? The Simpsons and South Park creators can do anything they want as long as it doesn’t go against guidelines. Braff is just lazy.

  3. Addie says:

    This is one of the most selfish things I’ve ever heard of, if you don’t count George W. running twice for President. The douchebag (and I insult douchebags everywhere by calling Zach one) has more than enough to make his little film. Will these investors see a return on their hard earned dough? Betcha not, which is more than likely why he is doing this…no need to pay anyone back a dime.

    Your idea makes sense, which is why he’ll never consider it.

    • Mooselicker says:

      “You’re just not a box office smash Zach. Nobody even remembers who you are.” – I’m sure he heard that.

      The cast from Veronica Mars were the first big names to do this. It was to make their TV show into a movie. Since it was the first it was creative so I’m not that upset. I’m only annoyed about them because there are so many more big names from them (not necessarily that big) where they could all chip in a little bit. And then we’ll see them trotting out at the next presidential election about how we need to help the poor. Sheesh…

  4. The Waiting says:

    I am still angry I spent $3 in 2005 renting Garden State from Blockbuster. Zach Braff is a huge waste of humanity. I mean, not Kardashian huge, but definitely a bigger waste than Ashley Simpson.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I remember people loved Garden State when it came out. I think it was because I was in high school and everyone was happy there was a movie about where we lived. High school kids are the worst. Blockbuster was only $3? I always thought it was like $4.50. Maybe those were new rentals. Ha no wonder that company went out of business.

  5. Lily says:

    I saw this and I thought it was sooo stupid. Like how desperate do you have to be to ask fans for money to make a movie? What if they don’t even like the movie? Why can’t Zach Braff dish out his own two mil? And who are the idiots who are giving him money? I hate all of them.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Calm down there. There’s definitely a better way where he can do this. I don’t know enough about all the processeseseseses to have an answer other than he should just retire.

  6. Seb says:

    Zach Braff was in “Arrested Development”. That in itself atones for many,many sins.

  7. mikeyb185 says:

    I’m genuinely upset about this. Garden State was a horrible horrible movie. Who are these people that want more of that kind of shit?

  8. Pen says:

    It’s funny you have this post about Braff a mere two days after I saw Oz at the drive in (I went for Iron Man 3 and Oz was the second movie I was stuck with). The movie started to unfold and Braff appeared and my boyfriend and I both were like “Oh fuck- is that fucking Zack Braff??? Goddammit. No one said he was gonna be in this movie. Fuck.”

    Seriously though. Him doing that is bullshit. I heard they were going to possibly do some sort of Kickstarter for Firefly- but Joss Whedon is a whoooooole different fucking species than uggo talentless Braff. He needs to use his own effin’ money.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I had no idea he was in Oz until I read his Wikipedia page. They’re really trying to keep his presence on the down-low.

      Joss Wheddon certainly doesn’t need the money from fans though…that’s a little off-putting that he would do something like that. The only thing about him is I know it will be quality. Still, does he not get enough money from all the Buffy royalties? I’ll never understand the wealthy.

      • Pen says:

        I think the issue was finding a network that would do the broadcast since Fox canned it.

        Rumor has it Netflix is willing to possibly take it on with their new “Netflix’s Originals” or whatever they call it. I don’t know if the Kickstarter thing was really for funding for the whole show, or for some sort of solidarity to show networks that they should take a contract for a season or two. I haven’t seen it actually happen yet.

        Still, Whedon gets more allowance than Braff-fuck regardless.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Joss needs to come up with an idea that’s a little more universally liked. I don’t blame Fox. They’ve given Eliza Dushku, Wanda Sykes, and Andy Richter so many chances. They just doesn’t sell.

      • Pen says:

        And yes- his part on Oz was bigger than Bruce Campbell’s. Which pretty much enraged me. I just wanted that annoying monkey-thing he voiced to die.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    I think you secretly like Zach Braff and want his film to succeed but want to sound cool by hating on him, that’s why you posted the link to his kickstarter page 😉 You can’t get one by me Timmy boy.

    I would like Zach had he ever replied to any of my tweets to him; though they mainly contain things like “What’s feeling Sarah Chalkes boobs like?” but still. Ignorant fuck.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Why would he not respond to that? It’s a question I’ve wondered about to. Ugh he sucks more than I thought. Someone also told me he came from a really wealthy family of lawyers. That’s like three strikes right there.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        :O A wealthy family of lawyers and he’s begging for money on Kickstarter?! After 8 years of Scrubs he should be able to afford it himself, the cheapo curly haired, german bastard.

  10. tinkadele says:

    I think that we could put forward our idea for an anti-Braff movie and surpass his measly $2,478,955, ha, that’s small change to me love. He may have fans but he doesn’t have WordPress, this is our secret weapon.

  11. SingingTuna says:

    Well, gosh.
    He’s got a dandy idea there. He doesn’t have to pay the money back (the way he would to investors) and he gets a lot of publicity for being smart and a jerk. All at once.
    I saw that he’s responded to critics of this cunning plan. But I do’t know what he said. He’ll have to pay me to read it.


    Isn’t it funny how people won’t support improvements for highways (that we all use) and schools (that we all benefit from) but WILL give money to idiot politicians and Zack Braff.

    (Hi!! 🙂 )

    • Mooselicker says:

      Imagine what you could do with a fraction of that money. I’d say for $200,000 someone could make a good quality film even better than whatever it is Braff will end up creating.

  12. SingingTuna says:

    Oh, shoot. Zach. Not Zack.

  13. […] Poor Financial Investments […]

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