I think everybody should keep a diary or a journal. It kind of depends on how often you wear women’s underwear on whether or not it qualifies as a diary or a journal. Basically they are the same thing. Diaries tend to have locks on them and discuss girl problems like crushing on the high school football captain and getting pig blood poured on you at prom. Journals deal with more masculine problems like trying to find a place to get pig blood on the cheap to pour on the girl who is crushing on the high school football captain.

Why should you keep a chronicle of your life? There are many reasons and I am going to list them out because people love lists and making lists is lazy writing.

1) You can be famous one day – Anne Frank is the most famous diary keeper of all-time. Unfortunately thanks to those pesky Nazis she never got to bask in the glory. Then again, if it wasn’t for those Nazis then the book would have been pretty boring. Imagine Die Hard without Hans Gruber. It would just be a cop trying to save his marriage. It would have probably been called something more like “Nothing Lasts Forever” which for some reason is the name of the book Die Hard is somewhat based on. I guess it’s a warning that the book does eventually end?

anne frank

(Anne Frank’s diary. I find it a little too self-deprecating that she calls herself wimpy just because she has to hide from the Nazis. Also, who’s Jeff Kinney? Did I use the wrong picture? lolz)

2) Other people can see how stupid you are – When people know you are stupid they expect less of you. Believe me, no one ever asks for my help. Karl Pilkington is the perfect example. Ricky Gervais convinced him to keep a daily journal which produced some very hilarious results. You do realize that Karl’s job now is to travel around the world with a midget now, right? He’s living the dream.

3) You will have something to look back at – I love being able to look back at old things I had written and completely forgotten about. It’s like someone else did them and I can appreciate my greatness from your point of view. It’s like a photo album where you have to be literate to understand.

4) Your memory will be improved – Scientists spent billions of dollars last year to come to the conclusion that writing things down, whether it’s looked at again or not, improves memory. If you write down your grocery list, but forget it at home, your brain should be capable of remembering many of the items on the list. Fourteen men and a dog died during this study so you should probably make an effort so their lives were not lost for nothing.

5) Your writing will improve – Whether you want to write as a career or just want to improve your vocabulary for ransom notes, having good grammar (or is it well grammar?) is always a good thing (or is it a well thing?). The more you do anything the better you will get. Unless you are Allen Iverson. He don’t need practice.

iverson-3-1

(Allen Iverson, talkin’ bout practice, not a game)

6) Money can be made – Would you believe that people actual pay money for memoirs about other people? All you need to do is keep a diary or a journal for a year then kill a famous person and everyone will want to read about your life. You’ll be locked up in prison and the money will all go to the victim’s family or a charity so you may not actually get much. How about you become a talented figure skater instead? Everyone loves Kristi Yamaguchi. Her name is too fun to say not to read about her personal thoughts.

kristiyamaguchi

(I used to be able to do this when I could figure skate except I was on my back, not my foot)

Convinced? Probably not. A list with 6 items never convinces anyway anything.

Do you keep a diary, journal, or working manifesto?

Comments
  1. rossmurray1 says:

    This may be the first Die Hard – Anne Frank link in history. Funny funny.
    Journals are also good at reminding you what a whining twat you were as a teenager. Never forget.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Now I just got an idea for a 1996-based MadTV sketch where Hans Gruber takes over the Anne Frank house and she’s basically the John McClane. I’m not sure why I always think in MadTV sketch form.

      What if we never stop being whiny twats?

  2. Pen says:

    Oh jeez. I kept diaries like crazy when I was in elementary school and middle school. Thank god I stopped. Reading over them nowadays is just embarrassing. It’s all bitching about boys and teachers and why haven’t I gotten an Easy Bake Oven yet??

    A manifesto might be more to my liking. I should try that.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I still think it’s better to be someone who writes down all their silly woes than someone who complains about it out loud in public like a jerk. Do we ever stop whining about things that mean nothing in 10 years? I don’t think so.

  3. I keep one eversince my parents gave me this typical diary-with-puppy-picture-and-lock when I was 8. It’s pretty addicting. I was never the ‘Dear Diary’ kind of person though. By now, my diary is just a notebook on which I attached a picture of a smoking girl. I use it to describe everything that happens here, or to reflect upon my life.
    But somehow – and that’s a bit weird – I seem to write for people. No one is allowed to read it, but still there’s something deep inside me telling me I will someday publish all of it, so I need to write in a decent way…
    Weird me.

    • Mooselicker says:

      No that’s good to write for people. If you ever do become famous it will be less work to translate it into a more readership way. What are the chances you post your diary online? I bet it’s none.

      • But after all you should write a diary for yourself, not for other people… When you start to censor, it’s not good anymore.
        Online, never! But perhaps one day it will be published anonymously… 🙂

  4. Lily says:

    I didn’t know you liked the Ricky Gervais show. Please tell me that you’ve seen Extras. Also, you should watch this British show that’s on Netflix now called The Inbetweeners. Its one of my faves.

    I kept a journal/diary all throughout high school. Which was a big mistake because high school is the most embarrassing time to write about. I’ve gone back and flipped through some pages and it literally pains me. So I threw most of them away. But now I wish I had them 😦

    I like having a blog the best. 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve never seen anything of his other than The Ricky Gervais show. I tried watching some of The Office, but it was just too slow. I hear everything else is great though. I’ll have to add The Inbetweeners to my Netflix watching. There are like 30 TV shows I want to watch. I just finished Undeclared. Why did I watch that? It was mediocre.

      I kept a little notebook when I was in middle school, like 4th grade and I couldn’t even spell apparently by that point. It was so bad the cartoons I would make.

      Blogs are good because we know if we say anything bad we could be destroyed. It keeps us in check.

      • Lily says:

        My friend made me watch Undeclared with him. Not my fave. Definitely mediocre. But yeah check out Inbetweeners in amazing and there aren’t that many episodes. It’s pretty vulgar and I think MTV tried to make their own version of it but failed miserably because there’s no way you could copy it.

  5. Carter says:

    “It’s like a photo album where you have to be literate to understand.” Fantastic. That’s the kind of stuff that Pulitzers and Newberry Medals are made of. Let us never speak of the Caldecotts.

  6. Dude… I love Karl Pilkington…

  7. Addie says:

    I had a diary, but, I felt pressure to write in it every day since it had the date on the top of each page. Also, because there was only a page per date, when I did write, I had to really edit or write in teeny letters what was going on. Basically, it was a lose-lose situation.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That sounds so pressurized. I kept a daily journal for a few months like 6 years ago (in a word document) and because it was daily I stopped doing it for a week then gave up. I cannot imagine the amount of teenage angst that had. How old were you with this diary?

      • Addie says:

        Middle school. It was pink and had a little lock on it, as if that kept my mother out, as if I had anything worth writing. I put the path into pathetic.

  8. Oh geez, the number of journals, err, DIARIES I’ve burned for the very reason which is number two! *facepalms* But then you’ve made me regret it because of 1 and 6. But really, who would pay for a 6 year-old’s love life? Yuck, yuck, yuck just thinking about the things I wrote…yuuuuuuck.
    But yeah, at present, I find journal keeping (mine’s black, regular notebook-sized, very groovy haha–what’s yours?) very agreeable indeed. 😉

    • Mooselicker says:

      Some 6 year olds have big problems I’m sure. I remember really struggling with tying my shoes. Took me two more years to figure it out.

      Wouldn’t it be great to see some murderer’s journal from when he was a really young kid? I’m sure most would be pretty innocent.

  9. A journal is way too exhausting to keep. I mean, there’s too much pressure to try to top Anne Frank, and I’m never going to do that. But you’re right about Kristi Yamaguchi, her name really is fun to say.

  10. Pete Howorth says:

    I loved how Karl Pilkington also said “What’s Anne Frank done; hid in a loft. What did she have to write about?” and it’s funny because he’s genuine when he says that. I have read every book Pilkington’s released you should buy the Idiot Abroad books, damn funny stuff. Well done for mentioning him, I feel like he’s a global success now.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I started watching Idiot Abroad because it was on YouTube. It’s great. I laugh at one episode more than I laugh at most movies. I’ll make it a trip soon to get his book. I still have a gift card from like two years ago.

      Karl really is genuine with a lot of his ideas. He’s so simple and uses the most basic of logic.

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