I think I would be a really good president. Do you know how good I would be? I typed out “persident” and I knew immediately before the squiggly red line came up that it was wrong. I catch things like that quickly before the average person does. Not only that, I fixed it. And not only that, I was willing to admit my error. What more could you want in a president? I get along great with foreigners too. I almost left that out. I think foreigners like me a lot because I talk down to them in a way where their stupid minds can actually understand me. If I was in charge things would be great and this is how I would solve worldly issues.

The Economy:


(This says it all)

Everybody loves money. Rap stars love it so much they spend lots of it to look like they have none. The American economy has been pretty lousy for quite some time. The first thing that must be done is put a salary cap in baseball and lower the ones in other sports. This would save a couple 100 million dollars which would be the salaries paid to security guards that will be placed in necessary places. I’m not sure where those places are. I’m the president. That’s not my job to come up with everything. The heightened security limits terrorist actions or random shootings. It won’t stop them, but it will limit a few. My other plan to help the economy is to make our world look more modernized and futuristic. This means more construction jobs, design jobs, and other making weird flashy buildings jobs. There will be open tryouts for these jobs too where if you have never worked something like this before you can show up and be taught a task. The economy would be a really slow process and it’s too boring to write about how I would solve it. Ultimately it leads to always creating something new. Aren’t the Japanese like this? The key to running a good economy is realizing it takes everyone to run it. When was the last time you could count on two people to get something done let alone 250 million?

Bullying in Schools:


(What could this girl get bullied about? Being too attractive and blonde?)

This is a really simple solution. Let teachers say “What the fuck is wrong with you?” whenever they see a kid bullying another. When a kid is asked this question he will really think about it. I’m tired of all this bullying crap. Did kids ever kill themselves over bullying until recently? And I guarantee bullying was a lot worse in older days. After watching a documentary called Bully on Netflix, I think the key to it is everyone needs to be bullied. The best way to go about this is make the teachers the bully so the kids ban together against the administration. They will treat each other nicer and work as a team. For now kids see school as something that never seems to end and they lose hope quickly. I do think school lasts entirely too long. High school should be designed more like college and college should be designed more like a long internship. What’s the harm in trying out this idea? It’s not like anyone has a clue what to do with themselves now in the system we have in place today.


legalize drugs

(Isn’t this just asking the government to start up prohibition again? Walking is safer than driving a car. Let’s take away those too)

Make drugs legal, but you must do them in certain designated “daycare centers” where you can be babysat. Not only do people who enjoy doing drugs get to do them, this reduces the chances of death, illegal drug violence, and smoking some weed and not having the energy to call Domino’s. I would make it clear that anyone caught with drugs outside of these designated buildings will be punished by the law very harshly. So if you want to smoke some crack, you need to do it somewhere other than your bathroom where you may end up throwing a kid out of rage.

World Hunger:


(I must do this one day)

I would have scientists create some sort of cheap food that can be given out for free. Of course it would taste lame and probably not be all that nutritious, but it’s better than cannibalism. Plus, aren’t you as annoyed as I am with those commercials of hungry African children? Those commercials will no longer exist and we can finally give Sally Struthers the boot once and for all. Did you know some farmers purposefully don’t grow crops because the government tells them to? Read up on Norman “Steel Fist” Borlaug for what we should be doing.

Car Crashes:

(Skip to somewhere around the end to appreciate what I mean)

Okay, now I’m getting a little too specific to my life. This is just my way to irritate how much I think the lines on the road should be painted with glow in the dark paint. I can’t possibly be the only one who is blind driving in the rain at night. Not that I’ve driven in a few months or anything, but still. Also, when are we going to get cars that drive themselves? Too many people die in car accidents and worse, too many people are late to dinner because other people are dying in car accidents. Paint these lines and get these cars to drive themselves already damn it.

Gay Marriage:’


(Does this mean the one who’s Groom is not prideful? Wordplay is confusing)

I would eliminate marriage completely. I know this would probably increase adultery, but if someone is going to not be monogamous with you it doesn’t take some dumb certificate. It’s inevitable. Plus, maybe if we weren’t so stuck on monogamy then cheating wouldn’t be such a horrible thing. Open relationships are so in style these days anyway. There’s even a Facebook option for it. Whenever I see someone on Facebook says they are in an open relationship I wonder which one doesn’t love the other as much. Whenever I see their relationship is listed as “it’s complicated” I wonder which one of them is the attention whore. For all the paper work that goes with getting married like power of attorney or who gets your stuff when you die, you can sign that over to anyone. And you have to update it yearly. I love annual updates.



(I know I can’t see her face, but I’m almost 100% sure the woman in the wheelchair is Asian)

When I’m president healthcare will be free. How? After I make all of the above changes and life is so much better everyone will be willing to help keep each other alive longer. Right now though, life could be more worth living. Until we actually like each other, we’re not going to care whether someone else lives or dies.

  1. Addie says:

    You’ve got my vote!

  2. Carter says:

    Oh man some of these just plain make sense. Like all of it, except for robot cars. If the Jetsons has taught me anything, it’s that automated lifehacks will eventually mummify you in your own clothing, and as a live-aloner, that could spell death if Jane isn’t there to stop the crazy thing.

    • Mooselicker says:

      What was the name of the robot from The Jetsons? She would be used for sex. They’d look like her too, the sex robots. What’s my obsession with sex robots? I have a problem.

  3. Luddy's Lens says:

    (Huh. Three weeks out and this post hasn’t garnered your usual amounts of likes and comments. You and your radical politics! People caring about each other?! Come on!)

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