On Friday someone in Florida won a lot of money from playing the Powerball. I used to go to school with a kid who would dare us to kick him in the nuts. We’d call him Powerball then make fun of him for having steel testicles. He’s probably somewhere out there right now winning bar bets and traveling around with a carnival, insulting carnival goers until they pay $5 to punch him in the groin. He’s living the life we all want to live. He gets paid to be a freak.



(I’m not quite sure why he needs the mustache, but who am I to question Powerball’s technique?)

Curiosity gets the better of me a lot so I looked up the winning Powerball numbers.

10, 13, 14, 22, 52, and the red ball was 11. When I saw these numbers a lump grew in my throat. All of these numbers are very important to me. I could have won.

10 is for October. October is the 10th month of the year and the month I was born. Everyone always must pick the month they were born as one of their lottery numbers. The ticket is void if you don’t. I’m not sure about null. I think null and void mean the same thing and they’re always together to reiterate the fact that it won’t count.

13 is for the number of years it took me before I started puberty. I remember beginning puberty fondly. I woke up with a crackling voice, a face covered in zits, and sticky underpants. Most people start puberty around this age. Except for progeria kids. They’re kind of born as 20 year olds.

14 is for the first baseball number I ever had minus two. I subtract the two because there was no number 14 or 15 on the team. If you know your math, my number was 16. The way uniforms would work was the larger the number, the larger the kid. I was larger than two kids who did not exist. Number 1 on the team actually might be dead too because he was born with a heart defect. He was really tiny.

22 is for the recommended serving size of M&M’s in one 36 ounce bag. And yes, I buy M&M’s by the 36 ounce. And when I say 22 is the serving size, I don’t mean 22 single M&M’s, I mean 22 ounces. This is quite a problem because you have to buy a lot of bags to get the serving size to equal out. And this is not the real recommended serving size on the package. It’s the amount it takes me to get full.

52 is the age I hope my enemies never live to see. It’s a good enough age for enemies to die. They will experience enough pain in life, physically and emotionally by then. They may have a small glimpse of hope that they will live long enough to be a grandparent or maybe experience joy one last time. They’re my enemies though so I don’t want them to.

Finally we get to good old 11. I’m not sure what the specialty of this number is, being that it’s red and everything. 11 is a very important number in my life though. 11 is the number of pregnancy scares I have had only to discover I had eaten too much salt. 11 is the number of touchdown passes I caught with my Create-A-Player in Madden 2005 in my rookie season. 11 is the number of pounds I should probably lose. 11 is the number of hours in a day I typically spend crying alone. 11 is the number of times I’ll show up at a girl’s house with flowers before I get the message that she’s serious about calling the police. 11 is the number of midgets I have had conversations with in my lifetime, yes I count. 11 represents the month November, the month my first dog was born. In addition to the dog’s birth, Thanksgiving is in November and that’s in the top 25 most important holidays to me. 11 looks like a double middle finger and I’m always doing that.

If only I had played. If only I was willing to spend the money and picked these obvious numbers with deep meaning in my own life. I could have had it all.

  1. You do not waste nearly enough money on long odds chances to get rich.

  2. Lily says:

    This is so spooky. It’s like those numbers were meant for you. That person in Florida probably wasn’t deserving of winning the lottery. I love measuring how much people deserve things.

  3. Carter says:

    I think null and void can be different. Think of an abortion: If an abortion isn’t considered murder, then the fetus is “null” (a growing organism but not considered as a person yet under the law) and the procedure “voids” the womb.

  4. calahan says:

    It’s almost unbelievable how stupid you were to not play those numbers. I wash my hands of you.

  5. You only cry 11 hours a day? That’s an off day for me

  6. Addie says:

    You were robbed.

  7. kelloggs77 says:

    Small world. I had no idea you actually played baseball with my twin cousins who didn’t exist. Leo and Theo were practically identical, except that Theo liked to wear his hair like Kid, a la Kid ‘n’ Play, which means he must have been #15.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Haha I get people saying shit like this all the time and I just tell em it’s alright saying that but I could think of a number of reasons why I’d have won last weeks Lottery with the numbers. If you don’t play the lottery you can’t say “Shit I could have won” unless you bet the same numbers every week for years and on the one day you stop they come out; if that ever happened I’d probs just chop off my own cock with a rusty wasp.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Haha I know I hear people say things like that too. Colin Quinn has a good joke about 9/11 on how everyone tried to relate to it and say it could have been them, even when they’re people who aren’t normally near the Twin Towers.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Man, if I had won the lottery in late August and I was a millionaire, I’d have totally have gone to see the Twin Towers on that day, so it definitely could have been me. Spooky.

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