Favorite & Least Favorite Facebook Friends

Posted: May 23, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

What makes a good Facebook friend? If I could ask God one question it would probably be that. I mean, why overwhelm the guy? He might even be like, “Oh shit Tim. Me damn that’s a good question.” Rather than answer this near impossible question, I’m going to tell you a little bit about my favorite and least favorite Facebook friends.

Least Favorite:

Guy who likes all of his statuses, pictures, and was Catfished into a relationship. I first saw he was in a relationship with a bombshell I opened my window, stuck my head outside, and judged whether or not it was high enough for me to die if I jumped out. Then logic sent in and I knew he was probably just having a prank pulled on him by some lonely person. I’m also not a fan of the guy in general because during the first week of sixth great he threatened to beat me up. Why am I Facebook friends with him? The same reason I look at pictures of plane crashes on Google images, to cheer myself up.

Favorite:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher and the last one to win over 30 games in a season, Denny Mclain. This guy is a nut. He’s been to prison a bunch of times for white collar crimes like being better at winning money while betting on sports than you could ever dream. What’s great about him on Facebook is instead of replying to people who post on his Wall he will update his status with things like “Thank you” then sign his name. He must do this 8 times a day. Trust me. It’s a lot more fun than I make it sound.

denny_mc_lain

(Denny Mclain displaying the horrors of metabolism with age)

Least Favorite:

The latest girl to delete me as a friend. I’m not sure why she deleted me. I’m not sure why she even stopped talking to me. We got along great. I touched her elbow and she said she liked it. We were texting and she went with a friend to get frozen yogurt with the promise she would text me after. No text was sent until a few days later when I asked how she was. Then she pretty much disappeared, moved to another country, and deleted me from Facebook. Can you believe this isn’t the first time a girl I liked moved to another country within three months after meeting her? My fuckin’ life.

Favorite:

No one compares to The Unbreakable Michael Elgin. Michael Elgin is an independent wrestler from Canada whose status updates filled with typos and references to how much weight he can lift always lift my spirits. The best storyline he ever had going on his Facebook was when he was getting his mother, Mama Elgin, to do squats with him. Did you know she was asked to be in the movie Over the Top and had to decline because she was preggers with The Unbreakable Michael Elgin? Bet you didn’t!

michael elgin

(He’s unbreakable until it comes to a game of Scrabble. Then he completely collapses)

Least Favorite:

The least funny person I am Facebook friends with is someone I have never met. It’s a male who for some reason added a bunch of comedians a few years back, probably to fill his own unfunny hole. He’s a swell guy, but his jokes are terrible. I think he wanted to be a stand-up comedian and realized he couldn’t because he has the comedic timing of Flight 93. I know I used that joke somewhere else before. It’s just so specific I had to use it again. Once I commented on a status of his and he seemed really snoody. I only remain friends with him as a reminder that there are things more upsetting than funerals.

Favorite:

I got my least favorite comedian out of the way so let’s get to my favorite. Few people can say they’ve dined with their favorite comedians without having to pay money to a charity auction. I’m one of these people. I am Facebook friends with none other than comedian Alan Schwartz. You may remember him from his 1980s comedy special “Parakeets Galore.” I asked Mr. Schwartz where he came up with the title to this legendary comedy album.

“Parakeets Galore is something the rambling lunatic you saw at that one open mic once said in his set. He was talking about a pet store or something like that, but for some reason when he said it in his incoherent ramble; I decided that would be my album or comedy special.” – an edited version of what was said so Alan doesn’t get hunted down and killed

parakeets galore

(Enough parakeets to be measured in a “galore” amount)

Who are your favorite and least favorite Facebook friends?

Comments
  1. rossmurray1 says:

    Least favourite: Whiners. About everything. Always. Consistently.
    Favourite: Whitney Collins. The woman has the funniest FB statuses I’ve ever read.

  2. The Waiting says:

    I’m glad to see I didn’t make your shit list ;D

    My least favorite Facebook friend is this girl who had a baby like a month after me and is always posting about how her kid is already reading and has been potty trained for months. Basically I’m saying that I dislike liars who use their kids to create more lies.

    My favorite Facebook people to follow are Pee Wee Herman and Richard Simmons. I like strange gay men from the 80s, apparently.

  3. Who I want to unfriend:
    People who think they can settle their issues in FB and type angry statuses in all caps with a lot of !!! (like, really, buy some courage, chickenshit!). People who upload entire albums with their same face, clothing, location and the only difference is their pose that varies on minute degrees. People who type song lyrics. People who mess my feed with the uninteresting things they find on the net minute by minute. People who share anything “nice” about fucking Fifty Shades. And the other 90% of my facebook friends I couldn’t cram in this box.

    Who I want to give an e-hug and a super chocolate ice cream:
    People who invite me to getaways with all expenses FREE (I seriously have to friend somebody like that).

    “Parakeets Galore!” sounded like what an exhibitionist would shout when showing his, you know, stuff…

  4. Carter says:

    “He has the comedic timing of Flight 93.”
    “There are things more upsetting than funerals.”

    haha so good. I pretty much started blocking most least favorite people out of my News Feed, but probably my least favorite right now is a girl who did virtually the exact same thing as your Least Favorite #2.

    Favorite, between you and my friend MIke. You guys get me.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Must. Kill. Mike.

      I’m a glutton for punishment so I never block people from the Newsfeed. Instead I’ll look at the children girls who broke my heart have. The one girl has a really ugly baby. I hope it eats her.

  5. There was one girl who would constantly post pics of herself made with her phone doing various pouty expressions. So annoying. Also the political people. During election season you even start hating the ones who vote the same way you do because they won’t shut up. At a certain point, I was hiding pretty much every one of my friends. I did find it fascinating to watch those trainwreck threads. Horrible, but fascinating to see people come totally unglued. Like a free abnormal psychology lesson.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s funny too how smart everyone thinks they are about politics. They hear one point on the news then keep repeating it. Most of my points come from 1980s slapstick comedies so I can get away with it. Young people are the worst with this. There’s a reason the president has to be 35.

  6. I do not pick favorites, but as someone smarter than me said;
    Facebook is where you go to have friends and family ignore you or give you crap.
    Blogs and Twitter are where you go to have strangers tell you you are awesome.

  7. Lily says:

    Favorites: anyone who makes dramatic statuses, people who think I’m funny, people who make me laugh.

    Least favorites: everyone else.

    The Unbreakable Michael Elgin is now my new favorite person of all time. That picture, the story about his mom…too good.

    • Mooselicker says:

      He’s only like a few months older than us too. He’s so goofy and actually has a chance at becoming somewhat famous. But he’s so dumb! I love the guy.

  8. I don’t accept people I don’t care about.
    And if I do, I take them of my newsfeed when they bother me. My least favourite fb friend is a girl of my age, still taking selfies (I’m so pretttty!) with a soulful quote that has nothing to do with her vain pics.
    She just wantsto look intelligent, but at the same time has these pics on fb on how good sex is.
    Perhaps I’d better kick her out.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Kick her out of Facebook friendship with you or kick her out of life in general? I think both should be options.

      And not to scare you or anything, but she’ll probably do that for the rest of her life.

  9. josefkul says:

    I have a close relative who recently began her own side business and has been using Facebook to spam the hell out of everyone she knows. It’s obnoxious! Even worse, is the product itself. She sells wraps that have no scientific credibility towards decreasing your abdominal fat.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Not only does it sound like she fell for a pyramid scheme, it was for a crappy product that does not work.

      With that said, pick me up 7. One for every day of the week!

  10. samokan says:

    Least Favorite: Religious fanatics, kept posting bible verses, daily prayers and daily graces or anything regarding their fate.

    Favorite: The ones who makes fun of them 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I like your least favorite because oddly enough the first two on my list would post bible verses sometimes. I really hope Facebook doesn’t exist in any sort of after-life.

  11. Pete Howorth says:

    I hate most people on my friends list, I’d say a good portion of it now is people from work; I get sick of seeing him at work let alone in my off hours but they laugh as if I’m joking and add me anyway. I don’t even add people anymore; if they’re hot they’re getting perved on. If they’re not I’ll leave em on for a week then delete them, chances are they won’t notice. I’d say you n Lils are my fav peeps on Facebook and when you think about it, that’s pretty sad.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That is pretty sad because I’m not even one of my favorite people in the world. I wish it was more open to adding random people on Facebook. I’d love to say creepy things to girls more.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        There was once I was just adding random people with the same last name and then asking them how weird it’d be if we hooked up. Safe to say I was promptly removed shortly after.

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