I’m going to take a moment today to talk about a voluptuous part of the human body, the eyes. Eyes are the most important feature I look for in a girl after how kind they are and cup size. Eyes can be the difference between someone being beautiful and a hideous monster. Think about the most attractive celebrity you can. Do they have beautiful eyes? Of course he does. Steve Buscemi’s eyes are gorgeous!
Eyes come in many forms. They come big, small, squinted, crossed, walled, rashy, blue, green, brown, grey, bloodshot, patched, sewn shut, etc. Eyes are a part of the body that varies more than any other. Other parts of the body need a scar or a weird deformity to look different from others. Eyes are created uniquely from the start. I love eyes. Sometimes when I really like a gal and she tells me I can’t have her I’ll ask if I can keep her eyes in a jar as a token of my obsession. They always say no. The lesson here, persistence.
I enjoy my eyes. Whenever asked what my favorite feature is I’ll usually go with my massive bank account and large penis. This of course only works if the person hasn’t gone out to dinner with me or seen me with my pants down, which usually happens at the end of dinners. Did you know if you take your pants off after eating at a restaurant they don’t make you pay? They call the cops. Free meals are great.
My eyes are blue. Sometimes people tell me they’re green or grey which is a lie because they are blue. My driver’s license says they are blue. My driver’s license also says I’m 5’10 and an organ donor. I dare you to get these kidneys out of me you sons of bitches.
Like breasts really exist for providing children with milk, eyes were given to us for more than sexual reasons. People and animals have eyes so that we can see. With these eyes we can see a woman breast-feeding then choose whether or not we should be outraged, nonchalant, or a little turned on. Whenever I see a woman breast-feed in public I get a little turned on, then outraged, then finally I’m very nonchalant about it because that’s the reaction I get to everything.
I used to have pretty good eyes for seeing. I used to think I was part dragon because I could see better in the dark. Now though with about 1/3rd of my life over with, my eye’s talents have waivered. I don’t drive anymore which is nice because I could never see a damn thing when I did, especially at night and in the rain. I still have to worry about menus hanging on walls. Sometimes people working in these restaurants will get angry with me because I have difficulty reading. At that point I usually remove my pants and they no longer are mad because it’s hard to be mad and scared at the same time.
Other than using for vision, eyes can speak. When a person rolls their eyes it’s like saying “Oh my, what you’re doing or saying is ridiculous.” When you bug them out it lets people know you’re a bit shocked by the situation. When you pull them back and instead of saying L’s you say R’s it makes us aware that you enjoy making fun of people from the Far East. How dare you! It’s a very unpreasant thing to do.
If given the choice, I would rather lose my hearing than my eyesight. Losing my hearing would mean I wouldn’t be able to enjoy music, conversation, or books on tape any longer. Luckily I will never have to make this choice between eyesight and hearing because as is the circle of life, I will probably weaken in both aspects in the coming years. Growing old is tough. Thankfully I’ll get to see with my eyes the horrors of life can do to a human body, face, and mind.