I’m going to take a moment today to talk about a voluptuous part of the human body, the eyes. Eyes are the most important feature I look for in a girl after how kind they are and cup size. Eyes can be the difference between someone being beautiful and a hideous monster. Think about the most attractive celebrity you can. Do they have beautiful eyes? Of course he does. Steve Buscemi’s eyes are gorgeous!

steve buscemi

Eyes come in many forms. They come big, small, squinted, crossed, walled, rashy, blue, green, brown, grey, bloodshot, patched, sewn shut, etc. Eyes are a part of the body that varies more than any other. Other parts of the body need a scar or a weird deformity to look different from others. Eyes are created uniquely from the start. I love eyes. Sometimes when I really like a gal and she tells me I can’t have her I’ll ask if I can keep her eyes in a jar as a token of my obsession. They always say no. The lesson here, persistence.

I enjoy my eyes. Whenever asked what my favorite feature is I’ll usually go with my massive bank account and large penis. This of course only works if the person hasn’t gone out to dinner with me or seen me with my pants down, which usually happens at the end of dinners. Did you know if you take your pants off after eating at a restaurant they don’t make you pay? They call the cops. Free meals are great.

Subway-Free-meal-for-the-homeless-every-friday(On the other side it says “Free meal for people who bring in air fresheners every Friday 5-7PM”)

My eyes are blue. Sometimes people tell me they’re green or grey which is a lie because they are blue. My driver’s license says they are blue. My driver’s license also says I’m 5’10 and an organ donor. I dare you to get these kidneys out of me you sons of bitches.

Like breasts really exist for providing children with milk, eyes were given to us for more than sexual reasons. People and animals have eyes so that we can see. With these eyes we can see a woman breast-feeding then choose whether or not we should be outraged, nonchalant, or a little turned on. Whenever I see a woman breast-feed in public I get a little turned on, then outraged, then finally I’m very nonchalant about it because that’s the reaction I get to everything.

I used to have pretty good eyes for seeing. I used to think I was part dragon because I could see better in the dark. Now though with about 1/3rd of my life over with, my eye’s talents have waivered. I don’t drive anymore which is nice because I could never see a damn thing when I did, especially at night and in the rain. I still have to worry about menus hanging on walls. Sometimes people working in these restaurants will get angry with me because I have difficulty reading. At that point I usually remove my pants and they no longer are mad because it’s hard to be mad and scared at the same time.

menu(I’d probably just walk out of this place if I saw the menu that far away)

Other than using for vision, eyes can speak. When a person rolls their eyes it’s like saying “Oh my, what you’re doing or saying is ridiculous.” When you bug them out it lets people know you’re a bit shocked by the situation. When you pull them back and instead of saying L’s you say R’s it makes us aware that you enjoy making fun of people from the Far East. How dare you! It’s a very unpreasant thing to do.

If given the choice, I would rather lose my hearing than my eyesight. Losing my hearing would mean I wouldn’t be able to enjoy music, conversation, or books on tape any longer. Luckily I will never have to make this choice between eyesight and hearing because as is the circle of life, I will probably weaken in both aspects in the coming years. Growing old is tough. Thankfully I’ll get to see with my eyes the horrors of life can do to a human body, face, and mind.

  1. joehoover says:

    I have a phobia of eyes, mainly ones that bug out of people’s heads, kinda like my best friend’s. It wasn’t pretty when they had an infection and I had to put eye drops in for them.

    It’s why I can’t wear contacts, I can’t touch my eyes

    Cow’s have nice eyes

    • Mooselicker says:

      I like looking at eyes but nothing more. It’s like when I hear someone talking about eyes or sinuses my eyes start to water. It’s actually doing it right now as I type this. Damn you.

      And you’re right. My mother-in-law does have great eyes!!!! Ha….Ha!

  2. That was a thoughtful article filled with much information of which I have many use for…

  3. Lily says:

    Nice topic. Eyes kind of freak me out because of how delicate they are. Like if you get a paper cut on your finger it’s no big deal, but imagine getting one on your eye? That would be a nightmare.

    This was a weird comment and I apologize.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Is it possible to papercut your tiny eyes?

      • The Waiting says:

        It is! A kid I knew in sixth grade accidentally cut her eye with paper once. I remember it vividly because it was the worst thing I had heard about at that point, aside from oral sex.

      • Mooselicker says:

        They both sound pretty gross still if you ask me (but I’d also be lying)

        I remember in 4th grade hearing someone put their violin stick (no clue what they’re called) under a kid’s fingernail and it popped off. No clue if it’s true. I did see blood though.

      • I always liked the scar over the eye (Like Locke on Lost, Scar on Lion King, Tyrian on Game of Thrones), but there’s no true dedication. I want the scar to continue across the eyeball. Therefore I say paper cut the eye.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Didn’t Saget in Street Fighter have an eye scar too? Like the scar from his stomach was so intense it went up his abdomen through his face. I’ll have to watch Street Fighter again to find out. Yikes.

  4. Lauri says:

    I enjoy your blog and your commenters. Eyes are cool. Toenails, not cool.

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    True post. You can tell so much by looking one in the eyes, which is why I avoid contact. They call my eyes hazel at the DMV. They are a mix of green and yellow.

    Lol at your free meal tactic.

  6. Excellent post on eyes. Mine got a little teary just reading this.

    Steve Buscemi- haha!

  7. rossmurray1 says:

    My uncle, a doctor, thought I was at risk of going cross-eyed when I was a toddler and convinced my parents to put me through a barrage of tests, my earliest memory. Thank you, trauma. Turns out I just had really big eyes. Or maybe it was small head. Anyway, I’m all normal-sized all over now, and that’s my eye story, and now I’m kind of sorry I wasted your time on this, seeing as you put so much thought and effort in this post, which was really much more clever and witty than this comment, which in turn is fast becoming a bigger and bigger let-down the further it goes on but I kind seem to stop and probably never should have started, in hindsight, which is something eyes can’t do.

  8. I think you have sexy/playful/mischievous/kind/snubbish/sharp/possible-serial-killer eyes. I also think Buscemi’s a good actor. Why???

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