Archive for June, 2013

I didn’t think I would hear back until tomorrow about the first of the contests I have entered recently. I was curious and checked out the website tonight only to find they had already announced the winners. And as the title suggests, it blew.

Childhood past time(Remember childhood when the only thing that blew were bubbles? I mean, if you were lucky of course. I wasn’t raised Catholic)

My name only appeared on the site as the winner of a randomly drawn prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as made up plots. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about devoting my time to something I cared about only to be told it wasn’t good enough. I entered two under the television category, but I am also going to make fun of the films because I am better an angry. I also want to mention that the biggest winner from this contest in the past is Snow White and the Huntsman. So in short, I’m worse than that crappy film and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.


Ad Game – A look into the intriguing world of board game advertising. With technology improving, will anyone go back to the basics? One man thinks he has an advertisement that will blow everyone away. It doesn’t and he kills himself in the first episode.

Children of Eden – Adam and Eve are a blue-collar couple who realize their lives are worthless because they have no friends. They end up adopting a couple of babies from Asia and then chaos ensues in a very Cheaper by the Dozen way.

Electric Church – Based on the true story of Joel Osteen using too much electricity, Joe Losteen a fictional character not based on anyone, uses too much electricity in his church and he has to learn to go back to his roots, not reading the Bible from his iPad.

Karamazov – An awesome show about a Russian mobster that fails after one season because nobody can spell or pronounce the title.

Law Show – Seriously…this was the best title they could come up with? Next year I’m entering something called Cop Show and then complaining when they don’t make it a finalist. If I saw something called Law Show I would have tracked down the writer and cut off fingers every hour until they came up with a real title.

Resident – The prequel to Resident Evil before the evil zombie part. Nothing happens.

Resolved – The show opens up on the season finale. All of the problems are resolved and there is no conflict.

The Cave – An abused girl obsessed with Mumford and Sons continues to play their hit song The Cave over and over again until her parents kick her out. She was a real annoying bitch anyway and is played by Emily Osment because there are occasional songs that need to be sung.

The Watson School for Girls – Gossip Girl but named after a fictional character from Sherlock Holmes. In season 3 one of the main girls die from AIDS.

Yukon – Northern Exposure except on the Canadian part. Nobody watches it because nobody likes Eskimos.


Arctic Circle – The film version of Yukon except one of the main actresses refuses to be in it because she’s a diva.

The Artist Formerly Known as John Smith – A modern-day interpretation of the story of Pocahontas where John Smith is basically the musician Prince.

Brood X – A film chronicling the story behind one of the most average wrestling stables of all-time, The Brood. The X part has to do with the fact X-Pac has a main part in it.

Butterfly Children – A sexual education film about the birthing of butterflies. It strikes up some controversy after the opening scene of butterfly rape.

The Cause of it All – Howard Zimmershit has spent his entire life getting blamed for things he didn’t do. After a massive terrorist attack on the symbol of American freedom, American Apparel, Zimmershit finds himself blamed for it and must go on the run.

The Colony – March of the Penguins with ants.

Compliance – Newt Jones does whatever people tell him to do. Then one day he stands up for himself and finds there is more to life than being a submissive fool.

Cricket – A live action version of the origin story of Jiminy Cricket. Before he was Pinocchio’s conscience, Jiminy Cricket worked for the mafia. Eventually he turns and begins working for the police as a CI.

Cutting Numbers – A  mohel and a math teacher must team up to enter a boxing tournament to save a dying singing cat.

Deadmen – Two hours of pictures flashing on the screen of different dead people.

Demain Je Me Tue – It’s like Moulin Rouge and the only difference is this one has more bestiality.

Dickens and Isabella – The untold touching story of Charles Dickens and his shit-rag he named Isabella.

The Gentle Apocalypse – During WWII, it appears as if the world is coming to an end. The Nazis push through Europe until one man steps up to stop them, a gentle teddy bear. He’s not so gentle though. He’s basically Rambo. But he kills people. This is a very bloody movie.

Holy Mackerel – Originally titled “Things Only Grandmothers Say,” this film is about a cow manure eating contest in West Virginia and the people in it.

Paganini – The sequel to Holy Mackerel, this one taking place in Italy.

Priscilla – A completely made-up story about Elvis’s wife and how she saves everyone from a robot holocaust.

Satan in Arkansas – Dave Kershmere and Lyle Savage are two pedophiles who open up their own pizza shop. At first the town has trouble accepting their lifestyle, until they taste the pizza.

Space Cadet – A theatrical release of Cadet Kelly starring Hilary Duff. They don’t exactly redo the movie or anything, they just dub over some of the words with space words like “moon” and “tang.”

Under Angels – A satirical take on the often taboo subject of having missionary position sex with angels and how they are never adventurous in bed. Sandra Bullock attached.

White Line Fever – Melanie Growdick is the only woman working as a line in the road painter. She gets sick one day with a fever and has to call out sick. Her boss tells her she can’t and she begins protesting the right for people to take off work whenever they feel the least bit under the weather.

Two down, like 3 or 4 more? I don’t know. I entered a lot of stuff. I have to be a finalist in at least one…right?

I talk a lot about chicks on this blog because I’m a guy. I think chicks, I bleed football, and I brush my teeth with beer. My taste in women is as varied as my taste in rocking chairs. Sometimes there are traditionally hot women I’ll like and other times they are more average. I also judge so much in my attraction in the personality or what I assume their personality is like. Sometimes there are women who I’m really attracted to and I can’t figure out why.

Judy Greer:


I’m not sure what it is about Judy Greer I like so much. She’s so not my type. I mean, for one she’s much older and has a similar face to Phoebe from Friends. Her face comes to a weird triangular point. I think what I like about Ms. Greer (unless she’s married to former Texas Rangers outfielder Rusty Greer) is her sense of humor. In both Arrested Development and her cartoon character in Archer, she plays crazy and sexual women. I think what this means is that Judy Greer is a little nutty, but not to the point where she’s exactly like these character. I don’t know what it is. I still want to have Judy Greer’s babies.

Lake Bell:


When I first started watching Children’s Hospital I always thought Lake Bell was weird looking. Then I saw her in something other than hospital scrubs and I realized why she could be considered hot. Wow. Look at that chest. She must have back problems. I don’t want to say her face always looked a little too “Jewish” for me because that sounds racist and I actually do like Jewish girls. I’m pretty sure a lot of this has to do with her boobs and the fact I know she has a good sense of humor. I know this because I’ve listened to her phone calls.

Uma Thurman:


Uma Thurman and I could never date. She’s much richer than me and I think she’s taller. She’d probably feel like I couldn’t protect her, especially since she probably can somewhat fight from being in Kill Bill. I couldn’t even say Uma Thurman is so much pretty as much as it is I like her insanity. She’s hung out with Quentin Tarantino so much it’s messed with her head. She seems like the kind of woman I could have a nice serious conversation with. Of course, the best part of this conversation would be when we both shut the fuck up and enjoy the uncomfortable silence.

Of Monsters and Men Girl:

nanna bryndis

I don’t care to learn her name. Why should I? It’s not like my alphabet probably uses her letters. She’s from Iceland and they put random circles at the top of A’s. She’s definitely cute and not a pig by any standards. It’s her hair that bugs me I guess. She goes with that shaving one half of her head and letting the rest flop over look. I’m sure this has a trendy name and I don’t care to learn that either.

Anne Hathaway (Sometimes):


I only like Anne Hathaway sometimes. You know, like in Princess Diaries. I’m kidding. I’m sure she was 18 in those movies anyway so it takes away from the joke. I hate when Anne Hathaway has this short hair thing going. What’s up with that? She looks like a little boy. Please Anne, grow your hair out. People only tell you that you look cute with that haircut because saying the word “cute” helps suck vomit back down.

Kirsten Dunst:

kirsten dunst

She actually somehow has a reputation for being ugly. Really? I always thought she was kind of cute. From the moment I saw her in Bring it On (you know, the previews, not the actual movie…) until I finally got to see her nude in Melancholia, I’ve always thought Kirsten Dunst was a pretty lady. She was also the best Mary Jane out there. Remember the wet t-shirt? Of course you don’t. You’re too busy watching Robert Downey Jr. in an iron suit you bad-taste-in-movies-haver.



Pink scares the shit out of me. Despite this fact, I’ve always enjoyed staring at her. She’s lucky we don’t live in the same town because if I saw her walking I’d probably keep staring. Obviously she’d like the attention. Why else would she dye her hair pink? To match her name? I don’t think that’s even her real name. I read somewhere her real name is David Hummerflitz.

Lady Gaga (Once in a Fleeting Glimpse):


It was very fleeting and she had on a lot of makeup, it was black and white, and I didn’t have to hear her voice. Please, continue pretending to respect me.

Jackie that works at Wawa:


There was this girl named Jackie that worked at a Wawa I used to go to. I saw her like four times and thought she was so hot. I finally had the courage to talk to her and she told me that “No, nobody ever has died here. At least not while I was working.” Then one day I saw her and she didn’t look quite as pretty. I found her on Facebook and she looked even worse. She looked like an uglier Miranda Cosgrove. I think what I liked most about Jackie was her pants. Don’t even ask me to get into what I mean by this. You had to be there to appreciate it.

Are there any people who you are attracted to and you’re not really sure why?

These could be the final days. I doubt they are. The Mayans all agreed on one day to be their final day and they were wrong. I’m one man picking my own final day. The odds are against me.

What exactly are these the final days of? In a matter of a few weeks, beginning Monday, I will hear back from a lot of contests that I have entered in the last few months. I will find out if dead people have birthdays or not. I will learn if the world is ready for the Jersey Devil to begin his feast. My name’s origin, I’ll know if it truly does mean awful. Is it possible to befriend terrorists? This paragraph was very cleverly written and it means nothing to anybody because they are all things I have written in the last year or so that I was proud enough of that I thought should be entered into screenwriting contests. Three total contests and I find out about each by the end of July. I mean, they have to be at least okay, right? The few people I know who read them said they were great. They would never lie to save my emotions, right?

More possible is the radio contest that I have already entered. I spent all day today working on my duo video with Carter “Unstoppable” Johns. I will bother you with that once it is on their site. For now though, I would love it if anybody could comment or share MY VIDEO. Thanks to those who already have.

July will either be filled with excitement or turmoil. I’ll of course whine when I don’t win some and you’ll never hear the end of it if I succeed at any of these.

I feel like I wasted your time because I didn’t say anything here and you gained no new knowledge other than the possibility of knowing my demise is nearing. As compensation, here’s a very neutral picture we can all enjoy, Justin Bieber lying on the ground in a bloody mess.


This past Saturday I decided I would go into New York City and watch the NHL playoffs. This is everything that happened because I like to pretend people care about what I do.

As a reference, I’m not much of a drinker at all because I have seen how it can destroy people who are close to you and you love dearly. One of the most important people in my life, Matt Roloff of Little People Big World, had an alcohol problem. Watching that special little guy’s world get destroyed because he couldn’t handle his booze hurt me and I really try to watch myself.

matt-roloff-mug-shot(He should probably travel by trebuchet when drunk)

I had been to this bar many times before and I consider it my New York place to go. They have good food, the waitresses are attractive but totally not unattainable, and the service has always been good. I knew they usually had sports on the HD televisions so there was no question, this was where I would go.

The bar was unusually empty so I sat at the actual bar. Can’t they come up with a different word for these? It’s like how the word poop can be a noun and a verb. I sat there anyway, you know the bar within the bar, approximately three seats away from the closest human beings already there, three girls, one of them clearly a disappointment to her parents. The bartender came over to me and as soon as I heard the Irish accent I knew I had picked the right night to come. I asked for a Blue Moon, a menu, and if he could put on the hockey game. What a nag I am. He accommodated me and soon the night’s festivities would get underway.

I made sure early on to scope out who the waitresses were this evening. Every time I’ve been there they have different waitresses, except once when the Asian waitress Ruthie was there twice. This was four years ago and I’m pretty sure Ruthie is dead. Maybe not pretty sure, just as much as I have a hunch that she is no longer with us. The waitresses on this night were two short and cute girls, almost impossible to tell apart except one seemed a bit bitchier. I don’t mean a bitch in her personality. I mean a bitch in her face. She has a slightly bitch face is what I’m getting at. Do I need a picture to prove it?

Megan_Fox_promoting_Transformers_in_Paris(Megan Fox has a bitch face)

I sat there slowly sipping on my Blue Moon watching the first period of the hockey game. A large crowd came in and they weren’t too obnoxious. A man and a woman who have sex, I’m told this is called a “couple,” came in and sat as far away from me as possible. It was fine because I had the hockey game and a hamburger for company. What more does a boy need?

The group of girls left and were replaced by two other girls. These two girls were some kind of Spanish. I would say South American kind. Incans? What are Incans? They were definitely Incan type. I minded my business thought and didn’t bother them. That’s when someone decided they were going to bother me. The female, who came in with her husband and sat as far away from me as possible, stepped over and asked me if I was interested in sleeping with her while her husband watches. Nah I’m making that up. She asked me about the hockey game. We started talking then her husband joined us. He started talking and before we knew it, they asked if they could sit near me.

IncanScout(Okay so maybe they weren’t real Incans like these)

When they first initially came over they asked who they should root for. I told them I was rooting for Chicago because I know a few people from Chicago (Lily in Canada, A Gripping Life) who I like. I told them I also know a few people from Boston who I hate (those people don’t have blogs). This made everyone at the bar laugh, including one of the Incan girls. We locked eyes and this would become reoccurring theme throughout the night, eye-locking and doing nothing about it.

I explained hockey to the couple and they had an excuse for not knowing much, they were Australians. The Aussies were named Kaitlyn and Terry. The three of us continued drinking and discussing everything there is about life. I even introduced Terry to Blue Moon and the stubborn Aussie kind of liked it. They were everything you would expect an Australian couple in their late-20s, early 30s to be. They bickered in a friendly manner, they had strange senses of humor, and they seemed like they didn’t give a shit about anything. They were opinionated too and not even in an assholeish way, the way many people in America are. These two pals were not lousy Americans, they were awesome Australians.

All throughout the evening as the hockey game went on and we barely paid attention, I continued looking over at the Incan girl and her at me, exchanging pleasant smiles. I tried to see if she had an Adam’s Apple and she didn’t. She was probably looking for mine and I don’t really have a noticeable one. My plan was to hope the Aussie’s left and then talk to her. She ended up leaving before they did and as she walked out we gave each other the good o’le “Hey, I’d totally tap that” glare. It wasn’t meant to be between her and me. Most of all, I was just happy to have the confirmation that I am not a complete piece of shit and I am capable of having people smile at me. babies look at me, this is the face they usually make)

To give you an idea how buzzed/drunk we were getting, at one point an Of Monsters and Men song came on and I thought it was a genius statement to say “Icelandic music plays while an American and two Australians talk with an Irish bartender. It’s like the whole world is in here!” Furthermore, they thought this was a genius observation. Kaitlyn told me they always go to bars when they go on vacations looking for fun people to join what we determined was her Invitation to Life. She said they take pictures of all of the cool people they meet in bars and sometimes they keep in touch. When it was time to leave I thought they would ask for my picture or any contact information. They never did yet for some reason it didn’t bug me. Normally I would think I didn’t make the cut, but I guess I was too far gone to care. Or better yet, I realized this was all we ever needed from each other.

The Aussies left and we said our goodbyes. They gave me some good Australian movie and television show recommendations in exchange for places they need to go to while in the area. It turned into everything I could want in a night out. I made some temporary friends, I did all but actually seal the deal with that Incan girl so that counts right?, and I have a good standing with the bartender who not took care of my last beer, but I also gave him a nice 30% tip. And to think, after 15 minutes of being there I felt the universe was sending me a sign by playing Lonely Boy by the Black Keys leading into Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand which starts off with “So if you’re lonely…” the night actually ended up memorable, at least until something else happens.

?????????????????????????????????????(A reenactment of the night’s events played by minority actors and incorrect genders)

Should I become a full-fledged alcoholic?

P.S. We also had a 20 minute conversation on Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and they told me about this creepy wine commercial.

In the Jewish culture a boy becomes a man when he remembers some old language with a lot of “k” sounds. I’m not Jewish so how do I know when I become a man? Pubic hair? I think I became a man when I did something I never thought I’d have to do. I became a man when I went to the movies by myself. I used to think the guy at the movies by himself was a creep. I would laugh with my friends and be all like “Check out the loser. Where’s his trench coat? A police evidence locker?” And then one day I wanted to go to the movies and had no one to go with. Here are the movies I saw alone in theaters as well as my review of the films, but mostly the situations.

Slumdog Millionaire: I lost my movie theater alone watching virginity to Slumdog Millionaire. At least it was popular and kind of long, which when it comes to first times can be a little too much if you can’t handle it. That was a poorly worded penis joke. The movie theater was not far at all from where I was living and I remember showing up really early. It was a Sunday afternoon and I thought I’d get something to eat and maybe get really drunk in a bar alone then go to the movie. I decided not to get drunk and instead ate a sandwich then walked around a shopping center for two hours until the movie began. When it started I was the only one in the theater and I made sure to yell “Fire!” and “Rape!” in the middle of the movie because I could get away with it. The movie was pretty good too.

freida-pinto-golden-globes-2009(Is the guy on the far left Danny Boyle? Whoever he is, he has a head shaped like a gourd)

Watchmen: The comic book film come to life was the second film I saw in theaters alone. I met a girl on a train who I had really high hopes for because she was actually following me around and purposefully stood near me on the train and started a conversation. I asked her for her phone number, which I never do after a 20 minute conversation, and things seemed to be great. Then I called her and her phone was off so I waited another day to call her. The second time I called her I left a message asking if she was free and wanted to meet-up somewhere. Then I called one more time and didn’t leave a message. I spent that April Fool’s Day at the movie theater alone. As far as the movie goes, it was pretty good.

Malin-Akerman-Watchmen(Broken-hearted, I was left with falling in love with the one person who would never let me down, a hot fictional character)

Hamlet 2: I never saw the first Hamlet and I really didn’t have to. This was a comedy about a school putting on an offensive play called Hamlet 2. I remember it was really hot when I went to see this by myself. I had on my The Punisher t-shirt. There were two girls sitting in the row in front of me. One girl was a somewhat attractive and her friend was a mushy-faced blonde. There were only a few others in the theater so they couldn’t make a Tim-sandwich like they probably wanted to. I’m pretty sure there was a little kid in the theater too which is weird for a movie with a lot of cussing and nothing relatable for an 8-year-old. The movie was not fantastic, but still pretty good.

hamlet_2__1219374971_2186-1(The most famous scene from Hamlet 2. I’m kidding. That movie has no famous scenes)

The Mummy 3 – The One That Takes Place In China: I loved the other movies in The Mummy franchise. They’re fun and action-packed. The only reason I saw this movie was because I had a gift card and needed to use it. I went to see this movie on my lunch break at work. It was a “let’s see if I can get away with this” plan. And I did. Work was really slow at the time and I didn’t feel like working slowly to avoid having to learn something new or getting sent home early. Instead I decided to watch a Brendan Fraser film. I probably saved someone’s job. The review for the film, it wasn’t pretty good.

maria bello(The one on the left was supposed to play the one on the right. Couldn’t they have just killed her character off? It was probably the first movie Maria Bello ever did where she didn’t show off her vagina)

Django Unchained: I think this is the last film I saw by myself. I may have missed one, but who cares? Like when I went to see one movie the girl I was with kept getting up out of her seat to talk to her boyfriend on the phone outside. Why did I ever willingly go to the movies with a girl who had a boyfriend? Damn. Those were confusing times. I saw Django last Christmas and of course I thought everyone around was assuming I was there to blow up the theater. I always think people assume I’m there to kill them all whenever I’m somewhere by myself. I’m a white male in his 20s. Killing random people in mass is what we think about most. I sat next to a black woman and a Spanish guy as the film sold out. The black woman texted the whole time and the Spanish guy stared at her and cleared his throat the whole time. Despite this, the film was more than pretty good.

django-unchained-walton-goggins(Walton Goggins, the star of Django Unchained. Or maybe I just appreciate what a great villain he is and his lack of a hairline and giant gums give me hope)

Have you ever gone to the movies by yourself? What did you see? Did anyone look at you funny? Did you think it was because your fly was unzipped?

The following is something I failed to get published on several websites and is inspired by a Facebook status I made that got like 14 likes a few months ago. Who cares? I’m going to be on the radio, right?


A Brief History of Humor

Humor is subjective and ever changing. What I’m wondering is, has the general population been getting funnier or lamer? You be the judge. Here are examples of conversations one person might say to another person whom they find funny over the history of life.

10,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally remember those grunting noises you made and use them again because they brought me such humorous joy. I bet you can even have those grunts mean actual words one day if you put your mind to it.”

5,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get into hieroglyphic writing. I bet you can make a joke that will last forever and in thousands of years might mean something completely different yet still remain relevant and intrigue the human mind.”

1,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally buy a chisel and write out your jokes on stone tablets. I bet you can make them last for centuries and if the joke is good enough it may teach something to future generations about our culture in today’s world.”

1: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally write that down on some scripture. I bet you can even convince a few people to believe these jokes are their dogma.”

1200: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally explore the entire world and tell these jokes to everyone you meet along the away. I bet you can connect our planet and make the human race closer than ever before.”

1450: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get one of them printing press things and make copies of your jokes and distribute them out. I bet you can inspire other people to think and come up with jokes of their own.

1600: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally become a bard and write plays about intriguing characters that will not only make people laugh but also make them think. I bet you could be the next William Shakespeare.”

1776: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get out from under English rule to have the freedom to tell whatever jokes you want. I bet you can even create a nation where freedom of speech exists and we live alongside each other passively while we continue to expand as humans until eventually the rest of the world sees that democracy is the most important thing a leader can offer its people.”

1920: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get involved in filmmaking. I bet you could make a really funny feature length film that provides a lot of entertainment for everyone who is too stupid to realize this whole prohibition thing is a joke.”

1938: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally put that on a radio program. I bet you could become famous from it if enough people are naïve enough to believe aliens really did land on earth. It could make your career!”

1960: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally move to Hollywood and pursue your dream at becoming a screenwriter for films and television. I bet if you put in the hard work and believe in yourself you can achieve so much and change the way media works.”

1980: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally try standup comedy. I bet you could get a national tour going. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get your own sitcom if enough people ever appreciate you.”

2000: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally do one of those new blog things. I bet you can even write a book one day, you know, maybe if you feel like it. What do I care? It’s not me.”

2008: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make a Twitter account. I bet you can even get a bunch of followers one day. And I swear even when I make passive aggressive comments to you about how much funnier I am than you I’m still happy you have a bunch of strangers who read your daily thoughts.”

2010: “Man you fall down a lot. You should totally videotape everything you do. I bet you can get the video to go viral. You may even end up on a television show where all they do is talk about YouTube videos for a half hour with snide one-liners. Your dead parents would be so proud.”

2013: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make one of those stupid pictures with the white text that points out a quick quip about society, social issues, or celebrities. They’re called memes, right? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I love not having to think very hard or work at anything else. You should do it man it’s really easy work and it most likely will not be relevant in a week. I bet you can even get someone to like it on Facebook one day.”

The point, don’t grab life by the balls. Grab life by the balls, bell-end, full scrotum, and a little bit of taint. If you settle on anything, you’re never going to reach your full potential.

This is a very important post. It’s short too so many people will probably see it.

Yesterday I warned I would need some help with a radio contest. Well, the help begins today. Keep in mind, this isn’t one of those “whoever has the most friends” or “whoever is the most devout Catholic” wins contest. This is a contest you win on merit which I always respect. So basically, if you have the time, if you have the desire, if you want to get on my good side, go to the link below and leave a comment on my video.

Dream Job Application

I will have yet another video I am entering to post on here and bug you about as soon as Carter “Superstar” Johns finally gets around to recording his part of our duo video which I guarantee will be the most unique and entertaining thing anyone submits this year ever infinity forever.

I also know you probably have no idea what I’m saying in the video because you’re not a Philadelphia sports fan or a sports fan in general. It doesn’t matter. I’m making a great point. If you have no clue what to comment, you can simply comment “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or any other wrestling reference you can think of that are relevant. If I am one of the finalists selected to attend a live event and we have the chance to play it up to the crowd, I plan on turning the thing into a madhouse. All you have to do to comment is signup really quick or even sign in with Facebook. It’s pretty simple.

Also apologies now to anyone on Facebook who also reads the blog who I will probably bug about this further. Just remember, if I can win this then I will never be mean to you ever again because I will have my dream job…or at least one of them.

best job in the world(This wouldn’t be bad either)

Thing #1: I have since added many more comics to my Held Back Series to the page I created exclusive for these. If you enjoy these then check the page every so often because I add to it whenever I can. If you don’t like them then wait until Sunday when you can read your Family Circus.

Thing #2: I wrote a piece for this blog a while back about how I was going to be contributing to some website that was starting up. The start-up date kept getting pushed back like a newborn whose parents aren’t ready, and this was a surefire sign that things would eventually die out. It did die out. Or at least the face I haven’t heard back in a month from the lady and she said it was going to start by June 1st, it’s safe to say she gave up all of her hopes and dreams, died, or whatever other possibilities there are. I’m pretty sure she just gave up because everyone she was working with was being difficult, as possible tend to be. With that said, I’m probably going to start posting a few things I wrote for that site here instead since I have 40 pages worth of movie reviews, music reviews, and a few fake news stories.

Thing #3: I’m entering some radio contest and I’m going to need your slight help with it. By slight help I mean you really don’t have to do anything, but it would help if you went to the site and left a comment like “Oh wow that’s awesome. Put this guy on the radio!” This isn’t a contest where you win based on how many friends you have either, although I think they’re giving a separate prize for that. You’ll have no idea what I’m talking about it any of the videos since it’s Philadelphia sports specific, but that doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure everyone else just gets their stupid friends to comment and rate highly. Now I’m going to need my stupid friends to do the same thing. I’ll have more information on this later in the week, hopefully. I’m really excited about it though and for the first time in a while think I have a legitimate chance at this. I’m submitting two videos, one by myself and one with a black guy I met on Craigslist. It actually doesn’t matter how or where we met, but I think between the two videos at least one can get me what I want, a really sweet dream job.

bikini-tour(I would hate to send the perfect job back in the other direction)

Today is Father’s Day in America. It’s also Sunday and June 10th. Now I just looked at the calendar and realize it’s June 16th. I totally missed that job interview by almost a week. I thought maybe today was a better day than any other than to write about my dad. He reads my blog sometimes and he’s a miserable old coot so maybe this will make him smile, something he says he’s been incapable of ever since I was born. I’m kidding. He says that about my sister’s birth.

What should you know about my dad? For one, his name is Robert. He has the same name as the scientist who invented Boyle’s Law. His middle name is Eugene and I’m pretty sure he was named after Robert E. Lee even though I’m totally making that up. His social security number is 867-53-0900 and his favorite food is whatever he can find at 2 in the morning.

boyle(Yeah I don’t get it either)

My dad is a strange man and it’s clear when you meet him where I get much of my personality from. People who have known my dad for a while will say things to me like “You are so much like your father” and I die a little on the inside. Nobody wants to be exactly like their father. They want to be better than their father. Freddie Prinze Jr. didn’t shoot himself in the face at 21 for a reason. He wanted to be better than his daddy.

The things my dad love most are his children, his girlfriend, his dog, his strange secret life, having diabetes, going to work, old Jodie Foster movies, and his cigarettes. My dad is a chain smoker who doesn’t have a deep voice. I can’t imagine what he would sound like if he didn’t smoke. It makes me wonder what I sound like. I’ve never smoked a cigarette and I have my dad to thank for this. Whenever a man can turn a sneeze, into a cough, back into a sneeze without taking a breath and then end it by yelling “Oh fuck!” I have to respect it.

cig(Don’t take this out of context, but I just gave my dad an erection)

The best thing my dad ever said was “I hate my fucking life.” He said it a few times that I was present. The first time he said it was while at a baseball game he dropped a Benny Agbayani baseball card that he was trying to get autographed. The second time he said it was while we were driving to a baseball game and we got lost. He pulled over and screamed “I hate my life. Sometimes I just wish this car would blow up with me inside!” The funniest part, we were still an hour early to the game.

Going to baseball games with my dad was the one thing we did most together. Most of the time we would get cheap tickets, go inside before the game and get autographs, stay inside for an inning and eat, go outside of the stadium for a few innings while he smoked and wait until we caught at least three foul balls hit over the roof, then go back inside to find out who won so we’d know whether the players would be in a good mood or not. So I’m not really sure if we’ve ever actually seen a baseball game together, but we have been there.

One time my dad almost poked Curt Schilling in the eye with a pen. Another time he took a piss next to Phillies announcer Harry Kaalas. We’ve been to stadiums in Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Baltimore, Trenton, Scranton, Syracuse, Pittsburgh, and a few other cities together. We’ve been to the baseball Hall of Fame twice and we met Willie Mays together. It cost him $100, but that’s a small price to pay for your son’s love for the week.

willie mays famous catch(Everyone always talks about this Willie Mays catch and never about the Mormon in the lower right hand corner)

There is still a lot I don’t know about my dad. For instance, why does he never get a new haircut? He’s had the same hair forever. I also don’t get why he’ll go to concerts like Dropkick Murphy’s then go see Sara Bareilles. I’m not even quite sure what his job is. From what I’ve gathered, he yells at people all day long and has to “work up the courage to not eat a bullet.” I’m not sure what that means.

My dad is like any other dad so long as the other dad isn’t perfect. My dad poops (I’ve smelt it), curses (I’ve heard it), takes naps at 9 o’clock at night (I’ve seen it), and complains about being in constant pain like all old people seem to do (I’ve heard this one too). He’s cynical, maniacal, economical, comical, satirical, fallible, uncontrollable, sometimes unbearable, always despicable, and mine.

Happy Father’s Day dad. Take a break from being so miserable for a day. I’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of me to do it for you.



I’ve been working a job these last few weeks. I am such a sellout. No longer do I sit around in my underwear complaining about how no one appreciates me. Now I go out and try to earn my keep. I won’t go into too much detail about the job because I like to remain mysterious and I might get killed by the government if I really told. Let’s just say it involves going into Harlem and working with kids. Yes. My job involves working with Harlem school children. It’s like mating an elephant with an ice cream cone.

In order to get to Harlem I have to do a few things beforehand. The first of course is to actually put on pants. I’m rarely wearing pants when I’m home. I’d estimate 90% of my blogs have been written pantsless. Shit, 90% of everything I’ve ever written has been done pantsless. I do other things too like brush my teeth, drench myself in deodorant, and make sure the place is properly booby-trapped. I’m terribly paranoid of burglars and I never know when I may snap and have to have my place booby-trapped if police try to invade. The biggest adventure though happens when I grab my first train.

The first train I take only gets me one stop further. It’s a half hour walk away from my apartment to this train station and as the weather heats up I’ve been sweating pretty badly by the time I get there. It’s fine though. There’s usually a homeless woman with a burnt face sitting outside the train station so if I smell bad people may assume I gave her a friendly hug.

burnt face man(Like this but not a superhero and asking for change)

When the train gets there I usually have to stand until the next stop where I have to transfer somewhere else. On this new train I can usually grab a seat. Sometimes I’ll stand if there are a lot of old people, women, or too much vomit on the seats. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s vomit or soup. It’s one of those things you have to taste to really know.

I get off the train and by this point it’s really crowded. That’s when I switch over to the New York subway. I usually have to walk a block outside to get to the proper subway I need. The walk smells like piss or shit, depending on the temperature. The hotter it is, the shittier the smell. I always see at least one homeless person wandering about mumbling about how Ed Koch ruined their lives. There’s another spot I always see at least another homeless person. One day there was a hot homeless lady yelling into a cell phone. She said something like “You were such an ass to me before I went to prison and now you’re even worse!” I know she was homeless too because she had a cardboard sign explaining so. Why did she have a cell phone? Where do they mail the bill? And why was she out of my league?

sexy homeless(Like this but the one I saw was Spanish and clearly not a model trying to be ironic and possibly an Olsen twin)

I hop onto the subway after rushing my Metrocard through the scanner way too quickly. It doesn’t work when you do this which always makes you a target of rape, murder, asking you if you want to accept Jesus, and other terrible things natives do to tourists. I walk up the stairs and there I am, ready for my subway to arrive.

When I get on the train things usually clear out by the first stop after mine. I’ll grab a seat next to the prettiest girl because I enjoy being near pretty girls. Really though, why would I not sit near the prettiest girl? Am I going to find the fattest person and sit near him? No. That doesn’t make sense.

subway girl(The problem here is I wouldn’t know which foot to sit near and “accidentally” rub against)

Not too many strange things have happened on the trains so far. I’ve noticed the closer I get to Harlem the darker things get. I think it’s because the closer I get to Harlem the closer it gets to nighttime and the sun is getting closer to setting. See, that was a poorly written misleading race joke. You thought I meant because there are a lot of black people in Harlem which there are but that’s not what I meant.

By far the strangest thing that has happened on the train so far was when a homeless guy stepped on and started preaching about how women need to cover their butts. He said that men are too tempted by their butts and that they have to cover them more. He said to wear long coats. One woman turned her butt to him and he started yelling at her. Whenever he’d turn away someone would yell at him that he was sexist, which annoyed me because he wasn’t sexist, he was just insane. He even showed an example to everyone on how to properly cover your butt by pulling his shirt down to cover his butt. Then he started yelling about hellfire and sat down between me and the prettiest girl on the train. Thanks dude. You ruined my ride.

you me and dupree(He totally Dupree’ed me on this one)

My most recent ride on the train was the worst one yet. I was headed home and stuck jammed up against a door on an 80 degree day for 20 minutes while we waited for the delayed train to leave. The worst part happened when the train took off and all of the foreign men in suits lifted up their arms to grab onto something to hold. The stench was unbelievable. I want to start carrying around cookie dough with me to sniff just in case this happens again.

The train was especially crowded and the conductor told others attempting to climb on at other stops to wait and that there would be a less crowded train coming momentarily. One particularly chubby and pushy girl shoved the small Asian girl next to me, who even though the train was packed needed to read from her Kindle. The Asian girl almost fell down in between the circle of sweaty pitted men, but 8 years of karate helped her maintain balance. The pushy girl with ugly hair got on the train and stood there taking up too much room. I think I hated her face more than her hairy arms. She was still better than the guy with the unibrow. This train ride was terrible. Everyone from the girl with the mustache standing in front of me to the guy who kept falling asleep and touching my hand to the hot girl who spoke a goofy language that I think I elbowed in the face all stunk. And the worst part of all of this, I have to do it again tomorrow.

*The job has since ended and the only other thing of note that happened was I saw a homeless man with sweat pants full of shit sleeping on the subway. He looked like Santa Claus. Christmas will never be the same.