I’ve had trouble coming up with any topics to write about as I’ve either been busy working on other things or crying. I decided to go back to a feature I enjoyed doing the first time, breaking down sound lyrics and saying cheeky things about them. For now I’m still sticking with Nickelback since they have undoubtedly some of the worst lyrics out there. Today’s piece, and it is a piece because it is a work of art, features the song I Figured You Out. This was possibly my mom’s least favorite song of all-time. I think her favorite song was the Two and a Half Men theme song. That’s saying something.

As always, my smartass remarks are in italics next to these beautiful lyrics.

 

Figured You Out by Nickelback

I like your pants around your feet (What a great opening line. I also enjoy the fact Chad Kroeger doesn’t leave options open for girls in skirts. Could this be a homage to how cold Canada is?)

And I like the dirt that’s on your knees (All right, you’re getting a little too obsessive)

And I like the way you still say please, while you’re looking up at me (You left out the rest. People say “Please don’t look at me Chad Kroeger, your face is weird”)

You’re like my favorite damn disease (You have favorite diseases? Where does throat cancer rank because I hope you get it)

 

And I love the places that we go (I bet Chad Kroeger’s talking about White Castle. That’s where he takes his dates)

And I love the people that you know (In a way he’s saying he loves himself and maybe this girl’s boss and neighbors. This is very Christian of him)

And I love the way you can’t say “No” too many long lines in a row (Okay maybe he’s talking about a theme park and how he wants her to ask her friends to cut in line which always annoys me when people do)

I love the powder on your nose (Nobody likes powder on noses. It’s why it stopped being fashionable)

 

Ouh, and now I know who you are (I know who you are, someone who writes dyslexic lyrics)

It wasn’t that hard (There’s a pill for that)

Just to figure you out (Now I’m thinking he’s talking about the Nickelodeon game show Figure It Out and he’s just bragging about knowing the answer)

Now I did, you wonder why (There’s no need to wonder why you figured me out, you have all this free time because you’re a bad musician who doesn’t put effort into lyrics)

 

And now I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

Now I did, you wonder why (You said all this already)

 

I like the freckles on your chest (That’s my cancer you insensitive dick)

And I like the way you like me best (Nobody likes you best, especially not me)

And I like the way you’re not impressed, while you put me to the test (I’m not impressed because I know you will fail the test already you dumbass)

 

I like the white stains on your dress (That’s your cum and she should probably use that as evidence against you)

And I love the way you pass the check (If a girl goes out to dinner with Chad Kroeger, he better pay)

And I love the good times that you wreck (The good times that you wreck) (This makes no sense and shouldn’t have backing vocals to it because it’s a bad line anyway)

 

And I love your lack of self-respect (At least he admits he likes girls with no self-esteem)

While you’re passed out on the deck (Ummm)

I love my hands around your neck (And Avril Lavigne married this guy why?)

 

Ouh and I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

Now I did, you wonder why (Yeah, you already told me all this)

 

And I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

Now I did, you wonder why

Why not before, you never tried

Gone for good, and this is it (Maybe women wouldn’t leave you all the time if you didn’t start off by saying you like them pantsless then went on wandering nonsense rants)

 

I like your pants around your feet

And I like the dirt that’s on your knees

And I like the way you still say please, while you’re looking up at me

You’re like my favorite damn disease (Yes, we have been over this)

 

And I hate the places that we go

And I hate the people that you know

And I hate the way you can’t say “No” too many long lines in a row

I hate the powder on your nose (So now you hate this stuff? It took you about a minute and a half to change your whole damn opinion about someone? Chad Kroeger is the only person ever convinced of something by a child’s persuasive essay)

 

Ouh and now I know who you are (Yeah, I introduced myself to you as is common to do when you first meet someone, unlike you who immediately tells me you like my pants around my feet)

It wasn’t that hard (She noticed and she’s going to tell all her girlfriends about it teehee)

Just to figure you out (Because you’re so damn complicated are you Chad Kroeger?)

Now I did, you wonder why (No, I don’t even have a second thought about you)

 

And now I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

Now I did, you wonder why

Why not before, you never tried (Trust me I tried. You put a lock on the door so I couldn’t get away)

Gone for good, and this is it (You’re going to be gone for good? Hallelujah!)

Ooh (Why must he always orgasm as his own lyrics?)

Comments
  1. Now that was funny… and no wonder I never listen to that band.

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Haha…times infinity. This was hilariously, funny. Nickleback can keep writing forever if it keeps these posts coming (not cuming *snicker*).

    Favorite disease? WTF?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I agree. I think my hatred of Nickelback comes from the fact that people actually do like them. If they were universally hated I would just feel bad. I hate those bastards so much.

  3. My favorite dam disease is Beaver Fever. I turn the station and also toss my radio out the window whenever I hear Nickelback despoiling it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s