Do you believe in karma? I think it’s a load of, pardon my language, horsehockey! Horsehockey is what people in the 1930s would say instead of bullshit. In the 1930s bulls were shitting everywhere so it didn’t really mean “preposterous” like it does today. Now though, bulls only shit in select places if they do at all. Have you ever seen a bull take a dump? I haven’t. For all I know they don’t. A horse has never played hockey though, and other than a bull shitting, a horse playing hockey is the craziest thing imaginable.
With that said, I want to talk about karma. I don’t think it’s real. Sure, bad karma I believe in. I think if you’re a bad person you will have bad things happen to you. It’s inevitable. Hitler’s reign ended with him blowing his brains out in a bunker. It didn’t end with him getting a blow job and winning Publisher’s Clearing House. He got what he deserved. Good karma though is something I have trouble thinking is plausible. The bald guy from The New Radicals once said “You only get what you give.” I suppose he said it more than once. He probably said it every time he performed their only popular song. Unless he was a douche and pointed at the crowd whenever that part of the song came up and made them sing it. I hope not. I really like the way he says it.
Anyway, before I trail off and start listening to One Hit Wonders from the 90s, I want to tell you that good karma does not exist. More bad happens than good which is the way things work. It’s just the way life is. You can argue forever, but I’ll simply give you examples back on how bad things are more likely to happen than good things. Anyone who comments here though is a “writer” in some form so you’ll probably agree. Creative people are always cynical pieces of shit so I doubt there will be much arguing.
I’ve come to realize that I am an incredibly nice and helpful person. I mean, I’m no Santa Claus, but I do more than the average person. I’m probably like a solid B on the grade level of niceness and helpfulness. I don’t get an A because, well, do I have to really get into it? I think this blog speaks for itself on why I’m not an A. Over the last 5 days or so, I noticed I am at many times the only person to help or offer it to those in need. I think it started when I gave up my seat to a woman on the train. Now before you think it was because she was hot, she wasn’t. She was old, had an ugly face, barely spoke English, and had a kid with her. I probably wouldn’t have sex with her because I’d be afraid I might throw up in her face she was so ugly. Remember how I said I’m only a B on niceness and helpfulness? Saying sex with this woman would make me vomit into her face is one of the reasons why I’m not an A.
My kind gestures continued and became greater. One man got stuck in the closing subway doors and I had to help him out. Another man got his book bag stuck and couldn’t pull it out. Like a beast, I grabbed it and with one light tug pulled it out as if it was nothing. He thanked me a few times and I could tell he was a little upset that no one else even bothered to move. And this was a guy I was helping too. I certainly wasn’t trying to sleep with him. What am I a…what do you call those things that are two men who sleep together? I can’t remember the word for it. Damn it.
I continued my streak of niceness until today. I gave a lost woman directions to not only one, but TWO Rite Aids in case she got into a racially provoked fight at one of them. Then, on my way upstairs to my apartment, I saw a woman (she was ugly too) sitting on the main steps with 10 bags of groceries. I asked her if she needed help carrying them upstairs. This was the second time I asked an ugly woman if she needed help carrying something. I’ve found ugly people are terrible at carrying things because when they carry things they try to cover their faces as a courtesy to us beautiful folk. They end up tripping and smacking their faces into the ground, making themselves even uglier. It’s a terrible cycle. The woman downstairs from my apartment thanked me for offering the help then said two people just passed by her and didn’t say a word. It felt good to offer the help and even better to not have to do it. Again, I’m a B not an A.
So what did I want to say with all of this? I’m not bragging about being such a saint. What I’m saying is that I would like to do as many kind gestures like this to prove that good karma is not real. I’m sure they will start small and maybe they will stay that way. I’m rarely in the position to do incredibly nice things for people. Through this study I will prove that my life will not get any better. Of course, if my hypothesis is incorrect, that good can outweigh the bad and good karma is real, then all that will happen is I will have to admit I’m wrong and my life will be better. So get ready for a more helpful me which will then turn into a more cynical me because good karma isn’t real.