In 1984 a film came out called Revenge of the Nerds. I never saw the whole thing, but based on the five minutes I saw when it aired on Comedy Central a few years ago I can pretty much figure out what it was about. Plus, it was the 1980s where all comedies were just trying to be Caddyshack.

1980s Comedy Math:

Attractive White Male = Bad, Stupid, Greedy

Everyone Else = Good, Intelligent, Righteous

Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong-Un, Jodi Arias, Casey Anthony, and Joseph Kony all say hello to this flawed formula because bad guys can come in all ethnicities and sexes. I guess there are actually only two sexes. Not to mention, are transsexuals ever evil?

I’m no expert when it comes to subcultures because I try to stay away from associating myself with phony attention-seeking young people. I still think I know enough about this topic to blog about. All you really need in order to qualify as a blogger are working fingers so I’m good.

chris elliott(Could not blog)

It was around 2005 during the height of MySpace when the “emo” fad was all the rage. Emo is essentially the further pussification from the early 90s started by Kurt Cobain. As much as I appreciate what Nirvana did, they were probably the 4th best grunge band from Seattle out of 4. His melodramatic ramblings got a little tiresome. He wanted to title his last album “I Hate Myself and I Want to Die.” Shut up Kurt. If you could have been a little more motivated to actually show some joy that music brought you then maybe a few other people would have stopped sitting around feeling sorry for themselves.

(Try to ignore how gross Mickey Rourke is)

Furthermore, punk bands from the 1990s began to show weakness too. Green Day who started off as the newest cool punk band started playing the acoustic guitar and singing about break-ups. Imagine Johnny Rotten with an acoustic guitar singing about sadness. Calling Green Day a punk band is an insult. Just because someone dyes their hair and can’t sing doesn’t mean they’re punk.

GreenDay1126(Looking like a Tim Burton character doesn’t make you punk. They think they’re so funny)

So by this point we’re at around 2005. The boy band craze is pretty much over, but women still need male musicians to admire. In came bands like Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance that glorified being a wimp. Worse than that, they masqueraded as rock bands. They wore makeup and had an anti-authority attitude. It’s great when bands are anti-authority. The problem with this new wave is they hated authority because authority was “mean” not because anarchy is badass.

The emo fad was one of the phoniest things to happen in my lifetime. Keep in mind I was not alive during the Kennedy Assassination, Moon Landing, and I don’t consider Barack Obama the real president of the United States until I see a birth certificate and he can beat me in an arm-wrestling match to prove his worth. Emo girls tended to have colorful hair and makeup drenched faces. Emo boys were the same except they claimed to have penises. This has not yet been confirmed.

emo tranny(No clue what this thing is supposed to be)

Emo kids eventually realized what they were doing was dumb. Who should spend so much time on such silly nonsense like filtering a picture to make themselves look better? Emo died out and before we knew it, hipsters came around.

Let me say this about hipsters. Hipster girls are incredibly attractive. That is, until you talk to them. Do you know what makes a hipster girl attractive? Accessories. Like ancient tribal people who covered themselves in tattoos, piercings, jewels, shrunken head necklaces of enemies, and so on, hipsters are attractive because of these accessories. Hipster girls are like a plate full of fruit to me. When I see a plate with grapes, blueberries, strawberries, kiwi, and more, it looks like the most amazing tasting thing ever. Then I take a bite and I wish I had ice cream instead. If you need colorful hair, fancy makeup, or a certain outfit to represent who you are, you’re pretty hollow inside.

apocalypto1(Ancient Mayans or someone trying to be trending by adding on a lot of tattoos and jewelry? If you said Ancient Mayans then you would be wrong because these are just actresses pretending to be Mayans. There were no color photographs back then stupid)

So we’re living in an era of hipsters. We know all about them. They preach being yourself while doing everything but being themselves. You’re cool when you don’t strive for anything in life. Their theory is that you should do what you want to do. Of course not all hipsters are this way, but I think you’re even more ridiculous if you are a hipster who doesn’t think this way. A Nazi who likes the Jews makes no sense. They’re just a sheep that way. And yes, I’m calling hipsters Nazi sheep.

The hipster’s big thing these days seems to be embracing their inner nerd. Ummm fuck you. There’s a difference between enjoying Star Wars and being a nerd. There’s a difference between pretending to enjoy art and being a nerd. Nerds are antisocial, obsessive, socially inept, and smart. If you go out every week to a club or to a bar with your large group of friends, you are none of those. You are not a nerd. Did you know Dr. Seuss invented the word nerd? So if you consider yourself a nerd then you’re Nerkle and Seersucker too.

Watching The Big Bang Theory doesn’t make you a nerd. Knowing science jokes doesn’t make you a nerd. Having social anxiety doesn’t make you a nerd. A nerd is not something you should embrace to be. Nerd is an insult. It’s a second N-word with the same meaning behind it. Stop pretending to be a nerd. You have a few nerd qualities. You’re not smart enough to be a real nerd.

sexy nerd

(I’m so sure she’s a nerd. Her hobbies include reading books about HTML, knowing facts about nuclear fusion, and not leaving her basement for weeks at a time because the world is an unwelcoming place for her. Yeah, I’m not buying it)

  1. Addie says:

    I’m never sure what I enjoy more– your rants or the captions beneath the photos contained within the rants.

  2. Thank goodness… I read the title and I thought you were cloning nerds in a petrie dish.

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    Laughed at Rotten playing an acoustic guitar and singing about sadness…Hell no.

  4. Seb says:

    Kurt Cobain had so much musical integrity that he killed himself when he learned his drummer was more talented than him.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Imagine what it was like for me who missed out on Nirvana when they first came around and people tried telling me that the singer from the Foo Fighters was their drummer. Then they had to tell me he wasn’t the same guy as Andrew W.K.

  5. rossmurray1 says:

    What brought this on? I’m curious because a teacher at the school where I work made a presentation to the kids about how she is a geek/nerd and how she was picked on as a teen, which led to a discussion about bullying and how her tormentor ended up working at McDonald’s and kept asking her out and yikes! Anyway, she concluded by announcing that the school was having a Nerd Dance, where everyone was encouraged to dress up and embrace their inner nerd. Hold the collectible phone, I said to her later, telling kids to dress as nerds is just perpetuating a stereotype and reinforcing the notion that nerds/geeks are acceptable figures of ridicule. What’s next, a Gay Dance where all the boys can mince around and the girls where plaid flannel? Not on, I said. But are you telling me that nerd is actually trendy and cool?

  6. I love your subculture rants. But do you really have to insert that gross hand in the first pic? Always makes me nauseated, that one…ugh

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