Here’s something I wrote up and submitted somewhere and they were like “this isn’t what we’re looking for.” This wasn’t terrific, but it’s never fun to get an email from an intern telling you you’re no good. It was another middle finger to my ego. Saying it’s not what you’re looking for is the worst rejection there is. If you girl or a guy tells you that you’re not good enough, there’s always room for improvement. “Not what we’re looking for” means you’re probably as good as it’s going to get so you should just shoot yourself already. M’lord I hate everyone.

Film Characters Who Needed to Get Laid to Solve Their Issues

In Martin Scorcese’s classic film Taxi Driver, the main character Travis Bickle approaches an all-knowing cab driver he knows nicknamed “The Wizard” for advice on life. Wiz’s advice is simple, “Get drunk. Get laid.” It’s not long after Travis decides to take things into his own hands and attempts to assassinate a presidential candidate. Perhaps if Travis had listened to the advice and gotten his whistle and dick wet then he would have had a happier ending.

Travis Bickle is one of the most memorable film characters. He’s inspired angry young men everywhere who cannot get laid to shave their heads into the Mohawk fashion. He’s not the only awesome character who would have had a less dangerous life if only he could just get laid.

Blondie from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly played by Clint Eastwood:

the-good-the-bad-the-ugly-52

Blondie doesn’t seem to have much of a mission in life other than collect as much gold as he can. What does he need all the gold for? He has no taxes to pay, no cell phone bill to worry about, and never buys new designer clothing. Not once in the film does Blondie even suggest he has sexual thoughts about women. The only thing cowboys ever used their gold on was booze and sex with prostitutes. All Blondie needed was a woman to give him some attention and he wouldn’t have had to go on such a wild adventure. Blondie was a good enough looking man to land a woman. Put down your gun and work up a smile. Women love a guy who smiles.

Murphy McManus and Connor McManus from The Boondock Saints played by Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus:

large boondock saints blu-ray12

Brothers Murphy and Conner McManus are the duo known as The Boondock Saints. They’re sick of all the gangsters and scum in Boston and they’ve decided to take control by savagely killing them in a sometimes ritualistic fashion. After two movies though, there is no hint that either brother so much as jerks off to naked pictures of women. There is no love interest in either film. In fact, the brothers sleep beside one another on mattresses in their filthy apartment. They have a very Frasier and Niles Crane relationship where it’s unclear if it’s incestuous or not. The sequel starts off with them living at their father’s place in Ireland. These guys need to get away from daddy and find some dames.

Every Batman Villain played by numerous people:

batman villains

As cool as The Joker, Bane, and other Batman villains have been, none ever have sex with willing partners. Isn’t one of the best parts about sex when you don’t have to worry about them going to the cops the next morning? The Joker was a handsome man sans makeup, Bane has a body any woman would want to mount her, and even The Penguin played by Danny Devito has awesome duck boats that could win a girl’s heart. Instead of trying to kill everyone in Gotham City these guys should have all gotten together and hit up a bar. At least one of them would have left with a phone number and that’s the first step in entering a long-lasting loving sex-filled relationship.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt in everything he does:

Joseph-Gordon-Levitt

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has become “the average guy” in many ways. He’s cute, smart, and has a lot of demons on the inside. In real life Joseph Gordon-Levitt needs to only say the words “Hey, I’m Joseph Gordon-Levitt” and he will be able to snatch up nearly every woman in the room. In the movies it’s different, Joseph has trouble getting laid. In 500 Days of Summer he gets so hooked on Zooey Deschanel’s character Summer that over the course of those 500 days she’s the only person he sleeps with. Gay! The film 10 Things I Hate About You was all about him trying to get Heath Ledger to sleep with Julia Stiles so he could sleep with The Secret World of Alex Mack girl. Angels in the Outfield would have been a lot different if he got laid. He was so caught up in becoming a family again with his father. Once a man discovers the wonders a vagina can provide he doesn’t give two shits about seeing his dad for the holidays. Get this kid some poon.

“Alexander Supertramp” from Into the Wild played by Emile Hirsch

alexander-supertramp-chris-mccandless-emile-hirsch-into-the-wild-Favim.com-149809

Opinions on the character Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild are black and white. People will either say what he did was inspiring or completely stupid. There’s very little grey area. The guy tossed his life away, got rid of all his worldly possessions, and traveled around the country until ultimately he ended up in the Alaskan wilderness to live alone. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea has never gotten a good blow job in his life. I hate people as much as the next, but geez, I could never give up receiving blow jobs for spiritual freedom. A young Kristen Stewart does offer herself up to him at one point. Alexander decided it was better to eat a poison berry than to get involved with her.

V from V for Vendetta played by Hugo Weaving:

v for vendetta

V is a man who was wronged by a dictatorial government. He’s got a vendetta against them, hence the name of the film. Unfortunately for him though he has to wear a weird Guy Fawkes mask because his skin was so terrible burnt. V has no chance at getting laid ever again. Can he even masturbate? I’d imagine his dick would break off like a fried chicken finger if he tried to. V has every right to want to get back at the government. Nobody should be denied the right to have sex with other consenting adults. Natalie Portman should have taken one for the team, taken a knee, and given V a nice tug. Sure, a terrible Fascist government would still have been in place, but at least one more guy will feel relaxed about the state of the world.

Howard Beale from Network played by Peter Finch:

peter-finch-als-howard-beale

News anchor Howard Beale is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. Sick of the world and how much bullshit there is, Beale states on his newscast that he plans to kill himself live on the air. I think it’s common for people to want to kill themselves. I don’t trust someone who doesn’t think about it frequently. The best cure for suicide isn’t pills, a friendly ear to listen to you, or learning to accept life for the problems it sometimes has. The best way to cure those suicidal thoughts is banging a broad. Were there no interns at this station willing to have sex with him in hopes it would get them hired full-time?

Rosemary’s Baby from Rosemary’s Baby played by Satan:

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Rosemary is pregnant with the devil’s child and almost ready to give birth. How many whiskey sours did she have nine months earlier that she somehow managed to get knocked up by Beelzebub? You have to wonder though, why would Satan’s child be evil? My father is a Republican but that doesn’t mean I have to be a douchebag too. Rosemary frets that she’s bringing the Antichrist into the world. If you’ve learned anything from this article it’s that there is in fact a way to stop the Antichrist from creating hell on earth, get that baby a hooker.

Comments
  1. The thing is, unless you are talking about hookers… the whole getting laid thing involves relationships of some sort. And some people are not capable of that. And the ones that are sometimes get in over their head, and this leads to more of the same kind of problems you were talking about.
    On the other hand, why did we get mad at Monika Blewinski? If a guy has nuclear weapons, I say we all chip in and keep an intern under the oval office desk just for doing what she did to Clinton. Let’s keep the guy with the button as happy and loose as we can.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I was basing this mostly off the premise of “Get drunk. Get laid.” from Taxi Driver. Obviously this wouldn’t have really solved Travis’s problems, but thinking it was the best advice he could get, it made him seem like there was no hope. You’re right about some people not being capable of relationships though. Why are the best movie characters always the most antisocial?

      Agreed on Lewinski. Let’s pitch in and buy her a new dress.

  2. I agree that if you don’t have a wife or a family, getting drunk and getting laid is an excellent way to stay out of trouble, other than trouble related to vaginas and/or alcohol. This was a splendid article.

  3. Lily says:

    M’lord what a great piece. I agree about Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character in 500 Days of Summer. Like why is he so obsessed with Zooey Deschanel? She’s so blehh.
    I really want to see Into the Wild.
    I also don’t want to think of the V for Vendetta guy having sex. Would he have kept the mask on, I wonder?
    I would probably do some of the Batman villains. I’ve always been a fan of the evil guys.

    • Mooselicker says:

      A fan of the evil guys? Does that explain you marrying a lawyer? Habeus Corpse should be his Batman villain’s name. He makes himself look like a Roman Corpse? Is Habeus Corpus Roman or Latin? Either way, it’s a terrible villain idea.

      Into the Wild is available to stream on Netflix. Do it.

      • Lily says:

        That’s an awesome bad guy idea! Habeus Corpus is Latin, but the Romans spoke Latin, so you’re right. I’m trying to envision a Roman corpse, but I just keep thinking of those blacked Pompeii bodies that were buried in ash. That would be kind of scary. And historical!

        I’ll Netflix ITW and tell ya what I think!

  4. Brother Jon says:

    We read Into the Wild for our Book club, about a year ago. (Yeah, dudes have book clubs too…) I couldn’t stand this kid…but the author was even worse. He was completely full of himself, half the book revolved around him climbing some mountain that no one cares about.

    This kid though. I think he had emotional problems (I know, duh) I mean, his family was well off, but his dad did have a secret other family. I didn’t like the idea of him giving absolutely everything up…to go to nowhere. I don’t know. The story would have been better if he’d survived…but had to cut his leg off, or something like that.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I still think what he did was noble. Unfortunately being noble isn’t effective unless everyone changes after. I’m sure he was a spoiled rotten kid who was just bored with life and having it all set up for him. He probably should have dome something else with his time other than indulge himself.

  5. josefkul says:

    Great insights into the male mind. In the interests of world peace we need to get Heidi Fleiss a seat on the United Nations. Some of those uptight international representatives really need to get themselves laid.

  6. You really do have something there about the Batman villains. At least in the Christian Bale Batman movies. I personally would be willing to give Ras-al-Gul and Bane a good romp. I’d probably give the V for Vendetta guy a throw too. Because I’m twisted that way.

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