I’ve been working a job these last few weeks. I am such a sellout. No longer do I sit around in my underwear complaining about how no one appreciates me. Now I go out and try to earn my keep. I won’t go into too much detail about the job because I like to remain mysterious and I might get killed by the government if I really told. Let’s just say it involves going into Harlem and working with kids. Yes. My job involves working with Harlem school children. It’s like mating an elephant with an ice cream cone.
In order to get to Harlem I have to do a few things beforehand. The first of course is to actually put on pants. I’m rarely wearing pants when I’m home. I’d estimate 90% of my blogs have been written pantsless. Shit, 90% of everything I’ve ever written has been done pantsless. I do other things too like brush my teeth, drench myself in deodorant, and make sure the place is properly booby-trapped. I’m terribly paranoid of burglars and I never know when I may snap and have to have my place booby-trapped if police try to invade. The biggest adventure though happens when I grab my first train.
The first train I take only gets me one stop further. It’s a half hour walk away from my apartment to this train station and as the weather heats up I’ve been sweating pretty badly by the time I get there. It’s fine though. There’s usually a homeless woman with a burnt face sitting outside the train station so if I smell bad people may assume I gave her a friendly hug.
When the train gets there I usually have to stand until the next stop where I have to transfer somewhere else. On this new train I can usually grab a seat. Sometimes I’ll stand if there are a lot of old people, women, or too much vomit on the seats. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s vomit or soup. It’s one of those things you have to taste to really know.
I get off the train and by this point it’s really crowded. That’s when I switch over to the New York subway. I usually have to walk a block outside to get to the proper subway I need. The walk smells like piss or shit, depending on the temperature. The hotter it is, the shittier the smell. I always see at least one homeless person wandering about mumbling about how Ed Koch ruined their lives. There’s another spot I always see at least another homeless person. One day there was a hot homeless lady yelling into a cell phone. She said something like “You were such an ass to me before I went to prison and now you’re even worse!” I know she was homeless too because she had a cardboard sign explaining so. Why did she have a cell phone? Where do they mail the bill? And why was she out of my league?
I hop onto the subway after rushing my Metrocard through the scanner way too quickly. It doesn’t work when you do this which always makes you a target of rape, murder, asking you if you want to accept Jesus, and other terrible things natives do to tourists. I walk up the stairs and there I am, ready for my subway to arrive.
When I get on the train things usually clear out by the first stop after mine. I’ll grab a seat next to the prettiest girl because I enjoy being near pretty girls. Really though, why would I not sit near the prettiest girl? Am I going to find the fattest person and sit near him? No. That doesn’t make sense.
Not too many strange things have happened on the trains so far. I’ve noticed the closer I get to Harlem the darker things get. I think it’s because the closer I get to Harlem the closer it gets to nighttime and the sun is getting closer to setting. See, that was a poorly written misleading race joke. You thought I meant because there are a lot of black people in Harlem which there are but that’s not what I meant.
By far the strangest thing that has happened on the train so far was when a homeless guy stepped on and started preaching about how women need to cover their butts. He said that men are too tempted by their butts and that they have to cover them more. He said to wear long coats. One woman turned her butt to him and he started yelling at her. Whenever he’d turn away someone would yell at him that he was sexist, which annoyed me because he wasn’t sexist, he was just insane. He even showed an example to everyone on how to properly cover your butt by pulling his shirt down to cover his butt. Then he started yelling about hellfire and sat down between me and the prettiest girl on the train. Thanks dude. You ruined my ride.
My most recent ride on the train was the worst one yet. I was headed home and stuck jammed up against a door on an 80 degree day for 20 minutes while we waited for the delayed train to leave. The worst part happened when the train took off and all of the foreign men in suits lifted up their arms to grab onto something to hold. The stench was unbelievable. I want to start carrying around cookie dough with me to sniff just in case this happens again.
The train was especially crowded and the conductor told others attempting to climb on at other stops to wait and that there would be a less crowded train coming momentarily. One particularly chubby and pushy girl shoved the small Asian girl next to me, who even though the train was packed needed to read from her Kindle. The Asian girl almost fell down in between the circle of sweaty pitted men, but 8 years of karate helped her maintain balance. The pushy girl with ugly hair got on the train and stood there taking up too much room. I think I hated her face more than her hairy arms. She was still better than the guy with the unibrow. This train ride was terrible. Everyone from the girl with the mustache standing in front of me to the guy who kept falling asleep and touching my hand to the hot girl who spoke a goofy language that I think I elbowed in the face all stunk. And the worst part of all of this, I have to do it again tomorrow.
*The job has since ended and the only other thing of note that happened was I saw a homeless man with sweat pants full of shit sleeping on the subway. He looked like Santa Claus. Christmas will never be the same.