In the Jewish culture a boy becomes a man when he remembers some old language with a lot of “k” sounds. I’m not Jewish so how do I know when I become a man? Pubic hair? I think I became a man when I did something I never thought I’d have to do. I became a man when I went to the movies by myself. I used to think the guy at the movies by himself was a creep. I would laugh with my friends and be all like “Check out the loser. Where’s his trench coat? A police evidence locker?” And then one day I wanted to go to the movies and had no one to go with. Here are the movies I saw alone in theaters as well as my review of the films, but mostly the situations.

Slumdog Millionaire: I lost my movie theater alone watching virginity to Slumdog Millionaire. At least it was popular and kind of long, which when it comes to first times can be a little too much if you can’t handle it. That was a poorly worded penis joke. The movie theater was not far at all from where I was living and I remember showing up really early. It was a Sunday afternoon and I thought I’d get something to eat and maybe get really drunk in a bar alone then go to the movie. I decided not to get drunk and instead ate a sandwich then walked around a shopping center for two hours until the movie began. When it started I was the only one in the theater and I made sure to yell “Fire!” and “Rape!” in the middle of the movie because I could get away with it. The movie was pretty good too.

freida-pinto-golden-globes-2009(Is the guy on the far left Danny Boyle? Whoever he is, he has a head shaped like a gourd)

Watchmen: The comic book film come to life was the second film I saw in theaters alone. I met a girl on a train who I had really high hopes for because she was actually following me around and purposefully stood near me on the train and started a conversation. I asked her for her phone number, which I never do after a 20 minute conversation, and things seemed to be great. Then I called her and her phone was off so I waited another day to call her. The second time I called her I left a message asking if she was free and wanted to meet-up somewhere. Then I called one more time and didn’t leave a message. I spent that April Fool’s Day at the movie theater alone. As far as the movie goes, it was pretty good.

Malin-Akerman-Watchmen(Broken-hearted, I was left with falling in love with the one person who would never let me down, a hot fictional character)

Hamlet 2: I never saw the first Hamlet and I really didn’t have to. This was a comedy about a school putting on an offensive play called Hamlet 2. I remember it was really hot when I went to see this by myself. I had on my The Punisher t-shirt. There were two girls sitting in the row in front of me. One girl was a somewhat attractive and her friend was a mushy-faced blonde. There were only a few others in the theater so they couldn’t make a Tim-sandwich like they probably wanted to. I’m pretty sure there was a little kid in the theater too which is weird for a movie with a lot of cussing and nothing relatable for an 8-year-old. The movie was not fantastic, but still pretty good.

hamlet_2__1219374971_2186-1(The most famous scene from Hamlet 2. I’m kidding. That movie has no famous scenes)

The Mummy 3 – The One That Takes Place In China: I loved the other movies in The Mummy franchise. They’re fun and action-packed. The only reason I saw this movie was because I had a gift card and needed to use it. I went to see this movie on my lunch break at work. It was a “let’s see if I can get away with this” plan. And I did. Work was really slow at the time and I didn’t feel like working slowly to avoid having to learn something new or getting sent home early. Instead I decided to watch a Brendan Fraser film. I probably saved someone’s job. The review for the film, it wasn’t pretty good.

maria bello(The one on the left was supposed to play the one on the right. Couldn’t they have just killed her character off? It was probably the first movie Maria Bello ever did where she didn’t show off her vagina)

Django Unchained: I think this is the last film I saw by myself. I may have missed one, but who cares? Like when I went to see one movie the girl I was with kept getting up out of her seat to talk to her boyfriend on the phone outside. Why did I ever willingly go to the movies with a girl who had a boyfriend? Damn. Those were confusing times. I saw Django last Christmas and of course I thought everyone around was assuming I was there to blow up the theater. I always think people assume I’m there to kill them all whenever I’m somewhere by myself. I’m a white male in his 20s. Killing random people in mass is what we think about most. I sat next to a black woman and a Spanish guy as the film sold out. The black woman texted the whole time and the Spanish guy stared at her and cleared his throat the whole time. Despite this, the film was more than pretty good.

django-unchained-walton-goggins(Walton Goggins, the star of Django Unchained. Or maybe I just appreciate what a great villain he is and his lack of a hairline and giant gums give me hope)

Have you ever gone to the movies by yourself? What did you see? Did anyone look at you funny? Did you think it was because your fly was unzipped?

Comments
  1. Oh, silly boy! You are not a man until you go to a porno movie not by yourself. Glad I am here to clear these things up for you.

  2. Addie says:

    I usually went to movies alone because I wasn’t asked out, ever. Well, a few times, but not that many. I saw ‘Rocky’ and ‘Breaking Away’ (everyone stood up at the end and cheered) and ‘Star Wars’ (the first one, back in 1977), alone. I still remember the absolute thrill of Star Wars! Stood in line three hours for a ticket and another two to see the film. (Always bring a book!). I sat with people I didn’t know, and we were all talking to each other and yelling. SO wonderful!

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’ve seen some good ones by yourself. Do any lines take 3 hours anymore? Everything can be purchased in advance online now. The wildest movie I ever saw in a theater was Snakes on a Plane. People brought fake snakes and were throwing them all around. Not quite Star Wars…

      • Addie says:

        I don’t think anyone waits that long, I don’t know. It was kind of cool back in the day, you’d get to chatting with the people around you about the movie which would really get you even more excited about seeing the film. Star Wars really was the best, standing behind the ropes waiting to go in and seeing the people from the prior showing coming out all pumped up. Good times, even without a date.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Most of the time going to the movies with a date is no fun anyway. Did you dress up as a character? I really hope you did.

      • Addie says:

        It was the late 70’s. We wore bell bottoms and stuff, nothing as cool as costumes!

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    I saw Land of the Dead, solo. I had recently moved and really wanted to see it.

  4. Takes some guts to do that! Obvs my self-esteem is way too low for such a thing. Recently I learned to go shopping on my own, and I don’t mind that anymore, but to the movies? Or to a cafe? No. Way. *shivers*

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think the older you get the more willing you are to do things alone. I went to a bar/restaurant alone last night and actually somehow ended up having a really good time.

  5. SingingTuna says:

    Aww, too bad about that April Fool’s Day girl. She probably wasn’t dodging you. Maybe someone stole her phone.

    I didn’t think anyone went to movies anymore unless it was to pirate them. Don’t they cost like $20 a ticket?

    Yes. I’ve gone to movies alone. It wasn’t awful; at least I could get up and walk out when I realized the movie was a waste of time. That’s tougher to do when you’re with someone.

    But the last time I went to a movie at all was in 2002 or so. Stupidest movie ever and I got shushed by a woman sitting in front of me when I sighed at how stupid it all was. LOL…I couldn’t think of the name of the movie just now so I put these words in the search box: “nicole kidman fake nose movie.” That should give you an idea of how much annoyed sighing went on.

    Great post! Your experiences lately have made me glad that I don’t go to the movies anymore. It didn’t occur to me until reading this, that people might be sitting there in the dark Tweeting and texting and sexting. Wow.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think it was The Hours you’re talking about. I remember how everyone complained about how annoying her nose was in that. Didn’t she play Virginia Wolfe? That seems like a depressing movie to see alone haha

      I hardly go to the movies in general. It usually takes someone else to suggest it/pay for it. There aren’t really any movies coming out any time soon I have any interest in anyway. George Lucas apparently says movie tickets are going to cost like $100 soon which is impossible because nobody would go to the movies for that much. I think $20 is when people will stop going. Right now they’re still around $12-$15…I think.

  6. SingingTuna says:

    Still too much $$$. Seriously. In a movie theater you’re surrounded IN THE DARK by all these people you’d NEVER invite into your house even if they claimed to have a flat and needed to use your phone, much less into your living room for 2 hours to watch TV with the lights on and your pit bull at your feet!

    Yes, “The Hours.” Unfortunately I went with a professor from law school who had just been diagnosed as bi-polar and wanted to “have the visceral experience” of Virginia Wolfe with strangers in case he “cycled.” He didn’t “cycle” but I walked out before I killed myself.

    Hey! That’s TERRIFIC about your maybe getting some really good new soon!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! I hope it’s the best news ever!!!!
    🙂
    🙂
    🙂

  7. The Waiting says:

    When the Royal Tenenbaums came out, I was beyond obsessed with it and after I took every single person I knew to see it, I finally went and saw it alone. It was a new, interesting experience. I think I also saw In America by myself. I guess I like to see borderline depressing movies by myself.

  8. Luddy's Lens says:

    Man, I’m sick of Maria Bello taking her clothes off. Even my husband — a straight human male person — is sick of Maria Bello taking her clothes off. Lately, if it turns out she’s in a film we’d otherwise like to see, we’ll wait for Netflix. Yes. Maria Bello’s vag is now box office poison.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Maria Bello’s nudity is sometimes subtle. I think when a person is naked in a movie it should actually be a big deal. In Auto Focus she gets naked and it’s not a big deal and not even the main point of the scene. I mean, I’m not complaining. She has become a gimmick though.

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