I talk a lot about chicks on this blog because I’m a guy. I think chicks, I bleed football, and I brush my teeth with beer. My taste in women is as varied as my taste in rocking chairs. Sometimes there are traditionally hot women I’ll like and other times they are more average. I also judge so much in my attraction in the personality or what I assume their personality is like. Sometimes there are women who I’m really attracted to and I can’t figure out why.
I’m not sure what it is about Judy Greer I like so much. She’s so not my type. I mean, for one she’s much older and has a similar face to Phoebe from Friends. Her face comes to a weird triangular point. I think what I like about Ms. Greer (unless she’s married to former Texas Rangers outfielder Rusty Greer) is her sense of humor. In both Arrested Development and her cartoon character in Archer, she plays crazy and sexual women. I think what this means is that Judy Greer is a little nutty, but not to the point where she’s exactly like these character. I don’t know what it is. I still want to have Judy Greer’s babies.
When I first started watching Children’s Hospital I always thought Lake Bell was weird looking. Then I saw her in something other than hospital scrubs and I realized why she could be considered hot. Wow. Look at that chest. She must have back problems. I don’t want to say her face always looked a little too “Jewish” for me because that sounds racist and I actually do like Jewish girls. I’m pretty sure a lot of this has to do with her boobs and the fact I know she has a good sense of humor. I know this because I’ve listened to her phone calls.
Uma Thurman and I could never date. She’s much richer than me and I think she’s taller. She’d probably feel like I couldn’t protect her, especially since she probably can somewhat fight from being in Kill Bill. I couldn’t even say Uma Thurman is so much pretty as much as it is I like her insanity. She’s hung out with Quentin Tarantino so much it’s messed with her head. She seems like the kind of woman I could have a nice serious conversation with. Of course, the best part of this conversation would be when we both shut the fuck up and enjoy the uncomfortable silence.
Of Monsters and Men Girl:
I don’t care to learn her name. Why should I? It’s not like my alphabet probably uses her letters. She’s from Iceland and they put random circles at the top of A’s. She’s definitely cute and not a pig by any standards. It’s her hair that bugs me I guess. She goes with that shaving one half of her head and letting the rest flop over look. I’m sure this has a trendy name and I don’t care to learn that either.
Anne Hathaway (Sometimes):
I only like Anne Hathaway sometimes. You know, like in Princess Diaries. I’m kidding. I’m sure she was 18 in those movies anyway so it takes away from the joke. I hate when Anne Hathaway has this short hair thing going. What’s up with that? She looks like a little boy. Please Anne, grow your hair out. People only tell you that you look cute with that haircut because saying the word “cute” helps suck vomit back down.
She actually somehow has a reputation for being ugly. Really? I always thought she was kind of cute. From the moment I saw her in Bring it On (you know, the previews, not the actual movie…) until I finally got to see her nude in Melancholia, I’ve always thought Kirsten Dunst was a pretty lady. She was also the best Mary Jane out there. Remember the wet t-shirt? Of course you don’t. You’re too busy watching Robert Downey Jr. in an iron suit you bad-taste-in-movies-haver.
Pink scares the shit out of me. Despite this fact, I’ve always enjoyed staring at her. She’s lucky we don’t live in the same town because if I saw her walking I’d probably keep staring. Obviously she’d like the attention. Why else would she dye her hair pink? To match her name? I don’t think that’s even her real name. I read somewhere her real name is David Hummerflitz.
Lady Gaga (Once in a Fleeting Glimpse):
It was very fleeting and she had on a lot of makeup, it was black and white, and I didn’t have to hear her voice. Please, continue pretending to respect me.
Jackie that works at Wawa:
There was this girl named Jackie that worked at a Wawa I used to go to. I saw her like four times and thought she was so hot. I finally had the courage to talk to her and she told me that “No, nobody ever has died here. At least not while I was working.” Then one day I saw her and she didn’t look quite as pretty. I found her on Facebook and she looked even worse. She looked like an uglier Miranda Cosgrove. I think what I liked most about Jackie was her pants. Don’t even ask me to get into what I mean by this. You had to be there to appreciate it.
Are there any people who you are attracted to and you’re not really sure why?