If God exists, he is a twin.

I got the results back from the radio contest I entered. You know, that one I was really excited about. The one that when I first found out about it I would lie in bed fantasizing. The one I had trouble sleeping over because the excitement was so strong. That one. Unlike Mitt Romney, I had a loser speech prepared. It’s basically just two middle fingers aimed at the rest of the world, but body language is still a language.

tara lynne barr middle finger(I used this picture before, pardon the laziness)

This week started off with me finding out late Monday/early Tuesday that I was not accepted into some impossible to get into Internship I applied for. I had my doubts about it anyway since it was a nationwide thing and probably every UCLA student with any potential applied. I wasn’t surprised when they sent me the email saying “Blah blah blah so many great people had to be turned away” followed with “Blah blah blah please follow us on Twitter anyway.” Why would I want to follow you anywhere after you rejected me? You’re not a woman I asked out on a date. I’m not going to be persistent and bug you forever.

Moving along to the radio contest and what I really wanted to talk about, obviously by now it’s clear that I didn’t get it. I was not selected as one of the 9 semifinalists. I thought I could possibly at least get that far. I had Carter “Super Fly” Johns on my side. He gets everything he wants in life. Maybe it would rub off on me.

I waited with masturbated breath (that’s a real thing, it’s when you’re exhausted from masturbating and haven’t brushed your teeth yet in the day) as 5 o’clock approached, the time they would be announcing live on the air the winners. They started with the males and I wasn’t there. Then they went to the females and I of course wasn’t there. Then they got to the duos and again, my name was not mentioned. I imagine this is what it must have been like to be a one-armed slave at an auction or a fat girl at a debutante ball. Name after name came and I was not selected. It was too late to throw in the towel. The judges had spoken and they told me to fuck off and die.

debutante ball(Beauty is in the eye of how much money your father has)

Now because it’s what I enjoy doing most and I’m only about an hour removed of having my hopes crushed, I think it’s fair for me to judge the 9 semifinalists they did select. You can check them out on the website if you want to search for them, but really you don’t need to.

The first person they announced was a black guy who shouted a lot. That’s cool. That’s really going to get people excited. The second one they played was a guy with a whistle. I’m not sure if he was black or white and that doesn’t matter. What matters is all I remember from the clip they played is that he blew a whistle. The final male solo guy that was selected didn’t stand out to me at all. He was very soft-spoken and boring. I can’t remember a thing about it. Maybe because I was too busy texting people saying “Maybe this is just a bad dream or a really in-depth prank.”

rape whistle(Maybe the video began with a rape?)

Then they announced the females. The first was the person who will win without a doubt. First of all, she’s attractive. People who work in a male dominated industry always want an attractive female around. Second of all, she’s actually pretty good and has a great speaking voice. She knows her stuff and I knew immediately after seeing her video that she would win this. That is unless she blows it. And when I say “it” I don’t mean the Program Director. The other two females had one boring girl and another girl who does roller derby. She used a Pantera song in her video so I’m hoping the radio station gets sued.

Finally the announcement of the winner in the duo category arrived. I was sure my name would be spoken. The only other time my name was on the radio was once during a friend’s podcast and another time when I followed someone on Twitter because he said he’d read our names on the air. It was epic. The first duo was two boring guys who do a podcast together. They look pretty old so good for them. The second duo was another boring duo who look pretty old. I get it. The prize is you get to work a year on the station and these guys may not make it. Then came the final selection. This was the selection that aggravated me to no end.

The final video was the one video I thought for sure wouldn’t make it. The video was of two twin brothers. Okay that’s cute. Two twin brothers who are sports fans on the air. But think about it. How the hell are we going to be able to tell the difference between the two? They have the same exact voice. All they did in their video was bicker and it made no sense. The bickering reminded me of my parents, minus my mom throwing a vacuum cleaner at my dad. I wish that was a joke. The twins really went all out for their video too. They surrounded the table they sat at with sports memorabilia. They wore suits. If the contest was “Get as many people as you can who came out of the same vagina and not say anything valuable” then these guys deserve to win. That wasn’t the contest though.

Dylan-Cole-Sprouse-Ellen-DeGeneres-29(The Sprouse twins being disgusting in a bucket)

My anger starts and ends with the fact that the twins were selected. I even already joked with others how dumb it would be to choose them. In a medium where you only hear people’s voices and you own that voice, there would be no way to differentiate between the two. They will have to say their names before everything they say. I’m sure they were selected because it’s a gimmicky thing and I know they won’t win. Still, I’m angry. I’m angry that neither of my videos, or even somebody else’s, was not selected over this novelty act. It’s not like their video was even any good.

I have one thing left I’m looking forward to hearing back from. It’s the one thing I’ve also entered the past two years. Is third time a charm? It would be a pretty romantic story after all the failures at everything I was looking forward to this month I end up winning that final contest, which I should add, has the best reward. $25,000 and a developmental deal? That’s more than I’ve ever made in a year. And maybe I’ll win that and be able to get this cyst on my back removed or pushed back in. I’m not sure what doctors do.

Who knew getting rejected by a second-rate sports station that I only listen to when WIP doesn’t do a live show on their online stream? I’m also happy the one guy who seemed like a real jerk and bragged in his video about being on TV before didn’t get it.

  1. Lily says:

    That really sucks. I mean, it’s good that you entered though. It’s better to enter and not make it than to not enter at all. You’re bound to win if you keep entering different contests. Each time you probably give them better work and it’s just a good way of putting yourself out there.

    Lol I love that Sprouse twins picture.

  2. Addie says:

    You are a gracious non winner. I’m so PC. To be honest, this sucks monkey ass. What? You didn’t think I talked like that? Sme days, it’s necessary–this was one of those days.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s the twins! Those bickering same voiced nerds. If they weren’t in it then I would understand more. They just want them to be able to go on air next week and ask them stupid twin questions.

  3. Carter says:

    I’m just glad to be a part of Team Boyle. But Addie is right. This sucks orangutan ass. I remember watching the twin video and thinking “Wow, we may actually have a chance if eveyone else is so terrible.” And then I realized life isn’t fair, and maybe people have more allegiance to Roy Halladay than i do. But thankfully the picture of the girl from God Bless America is keeping me from a potential murder. And the fact that i am one of the 85 people with a memory of seeing that movie.

    Honestly, I thought the hair pulling was sure to get a better response. Next year, let’s amputate limbs and see how that plays to the audience..

    • Mooselicker says:

      There were a couple other original videos out there too. They kept saying “Make your video standout” over and over again. Nothing about the twin’s video stands out other than they look the same. I hope they accidentally give this contest to a pedophile and there’s outrage.

  4. SingingTuna says:


    Maybe the someone on the staff has someone who’s going to get the job and was all along, but they had all this hoopla just to advertise the station by getting everyone’s hopes up. The “winner(s?) will get the gig for a few days then inexplicably disappear and the person they really wanted originally will move into the slot. Happens.

    Well, it’s a turdfest, Tim. No doubt about that.

    The twin thing…hmm…that could be cost effective. Lets say one twin gets laryngitis. It’s radio! The other twin could work both voices and no one would ever know. The station wouldn’t have to pay a replacement.

    At any rate, it does suck. It sucks dead air.

    ::kicks the twins and runs home::

    • Mooselicker says:

      The twins are terrible though. If they were clever and funny then it would be great. All they do is bicker and talk over each other. It might literally be one of the worst things I have ever watched and I’ve seen a circumcision video before.

      I think I’m about due for a victory…soon…someday.

  5. I was doing fine until that ‘masturbated breath, part… that was freekin’ funny. Although if you stop to think about what that sounds like it means…

  6. Did these people have a piece of paper to attach to their name? A lot of times it is those factors that decide. Fair? No. Keep trying man. More experience the better.

    Good luck on your last entry. 25,000 would not be too shabby.

  7. I don’t know what else to say other than THIS SUCKS. I could include a drumload of profanity. I could say those semifinalists look like a gene too close to being blabbering gorillas or airhead boobettes (and that second girl really is) but basically THIS SUCKS better sums it up. Maybe next time?

  8. Cafe says:

    Sorry to hear you didn’t get it, Tim. And sorry if I shouldn’t have brought it up since some time has passed … I debated whether I should, but I just wanted to encourage you to keep at it and don’t forget all the greats who were told “no” over and over again until someone saw their potential! 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Bad memories! Bad memories!

      Thanks though. The closer it got to the finals the more I didn’t think I would get it anyway. Hope the music is going well for you!

      • Cafe says:

        Ack, sorry!!

        Well, onward and upward to better things 😉

        Yes, I’m having fun with the music. It’s been great getting the creative juices flowing 🙂

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