This has nothing to do with paying a woman for her services. Instead I am curious if I could get some advice, most specifically from women out there on what I should do. I need some tips on how to court a girl I met.

First of all, this girl is my dream girl. She is everything I would ever want. She’s cute, she’s funny, and holds down a job that doesn’t pay too well. I don’t want to be with some doctor or lawyer. What do I have to offer them? Career women disgust me. I hate young professionals. Doctors are always pulling plugs on the elderly and lawyers are busy defending them even when they know the doctors are guilty. I’m just too nice for them. Oh and there’s that whole money thing. They’ll be making more money than I ever will. That would probably be a problem.

oprah-and-stedman(I don’t want to be Stedman)

I met this girl one night at a restaurant/bar. I was with two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. At first she didn’t seem to pay much attention to me. She was our waitress and was just doing her job interacting with us. As the night went on though we found out we had a bit too much in common. I would rather not get into what those things were for more private reasons. And when I say private, it doesn’t mean we had matching genitals.

We began talking in a little less formal way. She looked at me the way girls look at guys they adore. Her eyes told me she cared about everything I had to say. Her lips told me she would like to make contact. Her hairline told me I should probably meet her mother to make sure she wouldn’t be bald by the time she hit 40. It gave me butterflies and to the point I felt I had to take a shit.

At one point I made her laugh really hard with a gruesome joke. I can’t even remember what it was, something about someone getting hurt. She touched my arm briefly and everything paused. We locked eyes then looked away. Then we looked back again and we were look two cynics staring at a car crash, unable to look away for too long. Magic was happening.

I have never actually asked a waitress or bartender for her phone number or anything like that. It always seemed like a drunken asshole’s move. This girl though was different because I could tell the feeling was mutual.

bombay040502(This is the most mutual quote in existence. Why focus on the negativity though? The quote should be something like “A hug for a huge will make the whole world smile”)

I was ready to put myself out there, risk an awkward rest of the evening if I was wrong, and ask my dream girl if she would be interested in hanging out sometime. Of course though, things didn’t go as I hoped they would have gone. She was my dream girl so I woke up as I was about to get her information. Yes, this was just a stupid dream I had. But still, that doesn’t mean I don’t need your help.

How do I get my dream girl back? I woke up just as I manned up and she was gone. In the dream I really had to pee so I took that as I had to pee in real life. I did have to pee in real life so I did, but by that time I couldn’t recapture the dream again. I’m afraid she could be gone forever. Any ideas would be very helpful. I don’t want this poor girl from my subconscious to think I ditched her for reality.

progressive-flo(I heard something about how Flo makes a couple million dollars a year from her Progressive commercials alone. Reality blows)

  1. Addie says:

    You’re killing me, Smalls.

  2. Girls tips… that is my favorite part of girls…

  3. You shouldn’t have overindulged yourself in dream beers. Oddly enough, they still have a way of making you go to the bathroom seventy-two times back in reality.

  4. Woosh, anticlimax when waking up… One day you might just find this girl in real life. Let’s hope so at least…

  5. 1. You’re despicable.
    2. I love that “hugs” quote. Fits perfectly to a hallmark greeting card. Maybe that’s you’re real calling? But then again there’s number 3…
    3. You’re despicable.

  6. SingingTuna says:

    What if it wasn’t your dream? What if it was some girl dreaming about you?

    Dream relationships are the best and the worst. The ones where you dream about someone real and it feels great, then you wake up and remember they died 5 years ago are the worst. The ones where you dream about someone real who treated you like carp and in the dream you get to watch them be miserable are the best. Well, that’s what I think.

    I also think this is another example of how good you are at exploring complicated subjects AND making us laugh.

    I’d like to say “She’s out there…you’ll find her!!” but that kind of butterflies-and-rainbows thing doesn’t make sense to me. She might be out there but she just got hit by a bus OR she’s living in the rainforest eating piranhas for breakfast. Either way you can’t count on it. Aim for having a best friend. You know how you only get benefits on a job after you’ve been there for a while? And you’re pretty good at it or they’d fire you? Same deal with relationships, if you’re there for the long-term. If you don’t care about the job – if you’re just temping and could easily walk away, then knock yourself out! Steal the Post-Its, grab some pens and paper! Get whatever you can out of it and then move on. Temps don’t get benefits. They just get whatever they can take with the five-finger discount. But stay on the job, get used to it, get good at it, and you’ll get vacations and stock options and maybe even a pension.

    OK. I beat that metaphor to death. Ignore all the unsolicited advice above and just pay attention to this:

    This post is super.

    PS: To anyone else who wanders by and reads this comment: I like temps. I have friends how are temps. Don’t yell at me! I’m not bashing temps, just using them as an example. Creative license? I got one.

    • Mooselicker says:

      My dream girl in a way was a temp so you kind of brought it all back together. I’m not sure if it’s always good to start off as friends. Probably more often than not, but then there’s always going to be that “Do we want to ruin what we already have?” I think in most male/female relationships one usually likes the other a bit more than the other knows. Can you blame the ladies with me? ::winks:::

  7. SingingTuna says:

    Yes…you’re right. Somebody always likes/loves/appreciates/desires/understands/whatevers one person more than the other person does [worse sentence structure ever!!], even beyond the romantic kind. Friends, too. I’ll bet Oprah and Stedman keep detailed records somewhere of who owes whom, what, and why; and periodically they bring in the accountants to tally everything and Stedman always ends up short. Then Oprah has to spend a day or two treating him like he matters, just to even things out.

    Life is way too complicated for human beings. No wonder computers are taking over. They don’t care about anybody so they’ve got nothing to lose if they guess wrong.

    Don’t mind me; I hate summer weather and it’s too hot to whine about it effectively. I won’t be happy again until November or the first freeze, whichever occurs first.

    Thanks for posting things like this. I watched the movie “Ted” last night and actually LOL’d a few times. Your posts do that, too. But I don’t have to listen to Seth MacFarlane’s haphazard Baaaaaaah-ston accent.


  8. SingingTuna says:

    Oh. I read your reply the wrong way.
    “other a bit more than the other knows…” I blew right passed the “…knows…” and ended the sentence in my mind, without it. Ha!

    Well, gosh. That changes some of what I’d’ve said.
    Too late now, though.
    And you’re still right, either way.
    OK, I’m leaving.

  9. SingingTuna says:

    Oh. It’s a guy.

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