On Craigslist there is the thing called Missed Connections. It’s basically for people to post on whenever they see an attractive person and they are too afraid to do anything about it in person so they post online with the hope that the attractive person happens to be lonely and realize the post is about them. Sometimes I’ll read through Missed Connections and realize how the adjectives women use to describe men are never things I would use to describe me. Handsome? I’m more like “attainably all right.” Muscular? I would be “retired superhero.” That is to say, I’m starting to let myself go even though I never really was chiseled. I wanted to post on Missed Connections, but why should I? There are so many for the ladies to look through. I want mine to standout. So here are my Missed Connections from 7/16/2013.

Subject: Girl on a Scooter

razor-e300-razor-scooter-1(You looked like this except you were a woman and not dressed like Frankie Muniz)

Hey. You were a girl on a scooter. I saw you around 25th street at around 1:45. You are some kind of Italian or maybe you were just dirty. It was hard to tell. You look mean and dirty people tend to be nasty because they need a shower. I’m not sure if you saw me. I was the guy walking toward the bank. You probably didn’t know I was walking toward the bank because the bank was still a few more blocks away. You definitely saw me the next time though when you almost ran me over. I looked at your butt and so did a guy on a blue bike. You probably didn’t see him do it unless you have eyes on your butt. I hope you do not. That is strange. If this sounds like you then please reply.

Subject: Chubby Girl (He’s out of your league)

karen carpenter fat(I’m mean so I’m going to use a picture of Karen Carpenter as the chubby girl)

This is for the chubby girl who came out of a store. I don’t know what store it was. It sold things. You came out of the store and smiled at a tall an in shape man. That man was not me. I was the sweaty guy walking behind him. I think you were wearing a dress with some sort of flower pattern on it. I wasn’t paying attention. That guy was totally out of your league though. I thought you knew each other until you walked your separate ways. I’m not out of your league. Why get rejected by him? Please email me if this sounds like you.

Subject: Ghetto Hot Girl

BlockStBlockParty_sm(I hope this block party photo can lure you here)

Why do some ghetto girls who are really hot looking insist on being so trashy? I’m talking to you girl I saw! You were walking with a Spanish guy. Your eyes are really droopy and you talk strange. From far away you looked really pretty. Up close I could see you probably have killed a person. You’re also not black or Spanish. You are a white girl. Or maybe you are an albino black girl or albino Spanish girl. We didn’t talk and it is the first thing I wanted to ask. You also have big boobies. You were walking on the same street I live on so our relationship could work. Let me know.

Subject: Skinny Girl, Nice Butt, Weird Back Lean

Lean BackWAYBACK(This but walking)

Are you a skinny girl with a nice butt that leans back weird? I saw another guy checking you out for a long time. He was thin and wearing gym clothes. He was still too big of a coward to say anything to you. He followed you for a few blocks. I wasn’t following you. I was following him to make sure you were safe. Please let me know that you are alive and if you need to go somewhere safe my bed is available. It’s very empty 😦

Subject: Indian Girl, Shorts, Train, Fat Guy Sat Next to You

indian-girl-2(You weren’t nearly this attractive, but there’s time)

Hello Indian Girl. I think you’re Indian. You had on a lot of makeup so for all I know you are white. I thought you looked pretty and we made eye contact a few times on a train headed to New York. There was an open seat next to you with a cup of apple juice/urine in it on the seat. I’m not sure if this was yours. Anyway, I chose to stand because I have a back cyst and it’s really painful when there’s pressure on it. A few stops later a fat guy moved the cup then wiped the seat with his hand then sat next you. You looked upset. We continued to somewhat look at each other. You followed up looking at me by blinking like you had eye problems. Maybe you did. I saw you looking at my groin though. And yes, that was a pee stain. Let’s chat.

Subject: Are you 18?

security(Your breasts however were not tormented by gravity)

Ha! I’m kidding. Of course you are. I just wanted to get your attention by thinking I was some online predator. You were wearing a “Security” shirt and you didn’t look very tough. You exited a train and you were really angry that everybody would slowly. Then you got stuck behind an Indian family. That seemed bad. Things got even worse when a Chinese man carrying a large back was in front of you on the stairs. You literally threw your hands up angry. You cut in front of me and I almost fell. But I did fall, head over heels in love with you. I thought maybe you were rushing to get to my apartment to wait in my bed nude for me. To my surprise you were not there. Anyone who can help me find this angry young woman in a rush would forever be indebted.

Subject: Amanda Bynes

amanda-crazy(Can we all leave Amanda Bynes alone? This outfit proves she’s a Patriot and animal lover. Who else can say that about what they’re wearing?)

Whenever I go to New York City I look for you. I never see you though. What gives? I think you would be easy to spot. You’re bald and crazy with cheek piercings. I invited you to my friend Alan’s birthday party a few weeks ago over Twitter and you never responded. That hurts my feelings. I agree that Drake is ugly. Okay I don’t really know who Drake is. I have a family history of mental illness. I think if we made a baby our mental problems would cancel each other out. Is this you? Please respond.

  1. Don’t you dare lay a finger on my Amanda

  2. SingingTuna says:

    I think you should tell this on “Drunk History.”
    It’s in my Top Ten Favorite Posts of All Time (not including any of my own, of course). Seriously.

    ::climbs onto the keyboard and applauds wildly::

    • Mooselicker says:

      Drunk History? I’m not familiar with that. Fill me in!

      • SingingTuna says:

        Wow. It’s my new best show.
        It started on the internet a few years ago. I never heard of it until last week, watched the first TV broadcast yesterday. OH, MY GOSH!!!!! I laughed. BIG laughs.
        Here’s a link to a clip:
        That one is an explanation of Watergate (part of it) by a guy who’s had too much to drink, acted out by famous actors, but the voice is the drunk guy’s voice.
        10 p.m. Comedy Central”
        The other episodes in the first show were about Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth, and Elvis meeting Nixon.
        I had to stop playback on the DVR to wait until I was done laughing…I kept missing dialogue for laughing.

        I have a feeling it’s the kind of thing people either love or hate, though.

      • Mooselicker says:

        It’ll last 1 or 2 seasons. It’s very specific. Some idiot will die of alcohol poisoning and ruin all the fun.

      • SingingTuna says:

        Arggh. I forgot you don’t get cable. Do you? It was on Funny or Die, too, I think, first, before Comedy Central.

  3. SingingTuna says:

    Yeah, I was going to post about it but figured I’d get slammed for promoting alcohol abuse.

  4. rossmurray1 says:

    And they say all the good ones are taken… I think the Indian girl was blinking at you in Morse code, by the way.
    This is really, really funny stuff, my friend.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Mr. Murray! Coming from you that makes me smile.

      Once the guy sat next her she definitely did want some help. I think she only looked at me because I got on the train sweating in a Boondock Saints t-shirt then changed into a nice dress shirt. I was like a really bad Superman.

  5. Yeah, those Missed Connections columns are really weird and cringey.

    Your ones are brill, you should definitely bosh some up in real life.

  6. This one cracked me up… okay, you went a little overboard on the Italian thing, but that is what you do. And I can picture riding one of those scooter things.

  7. picture YOU riding one of those scooters… I saw the missing word right as I hit the button.

  8. I think we all want a skinny girl, nice butt, with a weird back lean.

    Cuts down on the size of bed I need.

  9. You have so weird tastes in women haha! You seem to have frequent funny/strange encounters with train girls too. I know I’ll have a hard time fighting a giggle if I was the one watching that thing she did with her eyes.

    I think you’ll enjoy this: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

  10. Lily says:

    Can we just all admit our unhealthy obsession with Amanda already?
    “Anyway, I chose to stand because I have a back cyst and it’s really painful when there’s pressure on it. ” This made me lol for real.
    I wish “missed connections”/ craig’s list existed when we were in middle school/high school. I actually noticed people back then but now I never connect with anyone because I’m a robot.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I could imagine you going on Missed Connections back then and posting things then not responding to people who talk to you anyway. I really should check it more. I should probably respond to a few. I might be able to fool someone eventually.

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