Human Centipede Sequels

Posted: July 21, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Here is the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for The Human Centipede Part Deux. It has nothing to do with one of my most memorable blog posts I have ever done entitled Human Centipedes where I thoroughly analyze which part of the Human Centipede I would most like to be. So here’s a medically accurate review of an unnecessary made shock sequel.

The Human Centipede 2 Review:

Few movies can stir up such controversy as the film The Human Centipede. I had heard about the film from a friend who had heard about it from a homosexual Asian prostitute she knows, how appropriate. I enjoyed the original film, especially the first half where it was actually genuinely creepy and frightening. I had high hopes for the sequel. The last time I was this disappointed was when I got the waitress at Hooters with the one breast. I know it shows that she’s brave and all, but let’s call a spade a spade. The last thing I want to think about when I’m out with the guys for wings at Hooters is a hysterectomy.

The Human Centipede 2 starts off promising. The main character is introduced to us as a parking garage attendant, better known to some as  the unskilled janitor. He sits in his small cube office watching the finale of the original film, which lets us know the first one never happened actually happened in this universe which to me feels a little cheap and used.

The main character is named Martin and he is one of the creepiest men to ever appear on film. He’s fat, toad-like, and never speaks. As he claims his first few victims this film keeps me on edge, thinking this could possibly go somewhere. Spoiler alert, it never does.

martin human centipede(Ladies?)

One by one and sometimes two by two Martin bludgeons his victims in the parking garage he works at. For some reason it is never explained what happens to the victim’s cars or how the police never receive reports from the families of these victims. As soon as maybe four victims are claimed I would think an officer of the law would realize there is something in common, all of these missing people parked in the same garage the night they went missing. The Human Centipede claims itself to be medically accurate. Try being logically accurate and maybe people would enjoy this film a bit more.

Martin is portrayed as an abuse victim obsessed with The Human Centipede film. He has a scrapbook about it and he watches it continuously on loop. All of this effort is put into worshiping a film. With all of this energy he could have written a great book or cured some incurable disease. I appreciate the effort Martin goes to loving the film, but considering this is a sequel to the film he’s worshiping, I found out it a little pretentious.

Human-Centipede-2-007(He’s wearing glasses. I bet they’re not even prescription. So pretentious)

The main abusers in Martin’s life are his mother and his therapist. Not to say abuse ever makes sense, but his mother’s abuse makes a lot more sense than what his therapist does. The therapist openly admits to wanting to molest Martin, an overweight asthmatic in his 40s, while receiving oral sex from a prostitute in the garage Martin works at. How convenient. I think the most illogical thing here is that a therapist doesn’t make enough money to get a motel room. Martin’s mother is abusive in the more standard way. She blames Martin for his father’s death. His father deserved death because he sexually abused Martin. I found all of the molestation a little too much. What’s wrong with having a bad guy who is just plain evil? It works for Simon Cowell.

Basically this film is Martin beating people in the garage, taking them to his warehouse, going home and getting yelled at, and then repeating the cycle. Martin’s main goal with all of this kidnapping is to make the world’s longest human centipede which he assumes requires twelve people. The last time I checked my Guinness Book of World Records, two would have been long enough.

The final twenty-five minutes is finally about actually assembling the centipede. The shots are gruesome and a few still standout in my mind as memorable. Still, this doesn’t make up for the lack of a good plot, which the film had, they just executed it very poorly. The movie dragged and I found myself screaming at the computer “something happen already!” It was like watching the Jodie Foster film Contact only slightly better. Anything is better than Contact.

contact poster(The above image is the most offensive thing I have ever seen. My apologies. I had to make a point)

If I was in charge I would have done it differently. I would have had Martin obsessed not with a film, but with the crime story. Have it be an Urban Legend about the German doctor from the first film assembling these people together. Have Martin obsessed with a reality, not a film. The idea of imitating film can be unique, but in this case I would have preferred it if it was known that people were actually going out committing these heinous crimes. But what does my opinion matter? The last time I went to Red Lobster I got a hamburger.

Comments
  1. SingingTuna says:

    Ewww, re “Contact.” ::nods::

    Human Centipede? Haven’t seen it (or heard of it, until now). The fact that there’s a sequel make me imagine that the movies themselves are like meta centipede parts. Did you say that and I just appropriated as my own thought?
    It sounds REALLY grisly. I looked up the original. Wow. Not your average slasher pic.
    The “medically accurate” think is intriguing. Are they trying to start a trend in plastic surgery?

    Martin…ugh. Not a likable character.
    I’m with you, btw, when it comes to having evil characters be EVIL, no strings attached.

    “The last time I went to Red Lobster I got a hamburger.” … LOL

    Thank you for the warning about this one. I’d watch the original, maybe, if it was light out.

    ::applause::

    • Mooselicker says:

      The original really isn’t that bad. It has the whole “Snakes on a Plane” hype where it’s a joke on itself in the media beforehand. The sequel to it though was really bad. I think a lot of horror movies start off great then midway through it starts to suck (Jeepers Creepers is the perfect example)

  2. Was it a lobster flavored hamburger???

  3. SingingTuna says:

    ::looks around::
    Where is everybody? WordPress is VERY quiet.

    • Mooselicker says:

      On vacation. Or maybe they got jobs. I actually got a job. Well, I have to fill out the paperwork tonight. I shouldn’t jinx it.

      • SingingTuna says:

        Your reply got through!

        You got a JOB??!! The kind you want? YAY!!!!!!!
        It’s good news then?
        YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
        😀

      • Mooselicker says:

        The kind I want? Not necessarily. The kind I applied for? Yes. There is some creative writing involved somewhere down the line though. I was a little scared when at the interview they said “How is your writing? We want someone sarcastic, edgy, and satirical.” The job is administrative for a dog care facility. It’s a new position too so basically starting from scratch.

  4. SingingTuna says:

    Seriously. Where is everybody? Are they all out buying baby gifts? I can [sort of] understand no one visiting me, but there should be lots of likes and comment on this post!
    Wait….are there and I just can’t see them? Maybe whatever server is feeding my IP hasn’t updated in hours and hours?
    Or may the Human Centipede walked all over the internet and squashed everybody?
    Sheesh.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I posted this on Sunday. Usually weekends are slower for WordPress. Plus it’s the end of July and beginning of August. I wish I could afford week long vacations.

      • SingingTuna says:

        Yes…all true. It’s a slow time.
        But the notifications of replies aren’t coming through either. Some, but not most. Well, it’s some kind of little hiccup, I guess. No big deal.

        A week’s vacation? Man. Me, too. I worked at the same job for almost 25 and never had a whole week off. Not even to be sick. The only week’s vacation I ever planned ended up being cancelled because I was called to jury duty.

  5. SingingTuna says:

    That’s TERRIFIC!!! You can create the job to suit you!!! I’m so glad you’ll be writing at some point. And dogs! Super!!!! Ahhh…FABULOUS news!!!!
    Congratulations, Tim!!!!

  6. Addie says:

    I can’t even think of these films without saying EWWWW!!! in my outside voice.

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