I remember reading The Diary of Anne Frank in 8th grade nude and thinking she should have been named Anne Liar, not Frank. What’s so Frank about her? She never came off as forthcoming to me. Or maybe I don’t understand the meaning of the word frank. I’m basing this off the personality of Frank from the Frank and Ernest comics.

So I guess I have two things to say in this post. The first is that I hate bothering people with anything. I’m not saying I won’t again, but for now since I have things popping up daily I would rather not be a major pest and devote this entire blog to you clicking on links to go somewhere else. I have added an RSS Feed to my Yahoo articles onto my page. It’s pretty cool if you click on them as often as you can because I actually get money for these. So like occasionally check that out and click on everything so I don’t have to bug you constantly. I may still actually post links at the bottom of my other pieces I write on this blog without being too intrusive. Here’s a picture example where you can find it:

yahoo articles

So like yeah check it out and start writing for them yourself.

Oh and here’s why I mentioned Anne Frank at the beginning. I wrote a letter to my bathroom and submitted it to some other website that isn’t College Humor. They rejected me of course because every website out there is run by the girls from my high school. Anne Frank is mentioned because the only thing I remember from the book is that they called the bathroom WCs. See how it all makes sense now?

A Letter to my Bathroom

Dear My Bathroom,

Sup? I have a few questions for you when you have the time. Don’t respond in a passive aggressive manner either like you tend to do. I find that very unattractive.

The first thing I am wondering about is the state of the toilet. How is it always getting so dirty? There are fecal stains in places there should not be fecal stains. Poop would literally have to shoot out from the toilet during a flush, deflect off the door, hit the floor, and then crawl along and up the front of the toilet. I don’t believe this is possible for a second because I always poop with the door open. If people don’t like what they see then they shouldn’t be breaking into my apartment. I also have concerns about the amount of hair on the toilet. I understand I am carrying several hairs on my body. Several may even have the potential to grow to dozens soon enough. I get it. After some investigating though, not all of those hairs can possibly be from me. The length of pubic hairs varies greatly, so much to the degree I wonder if you are planting these here to make me feel like I have guests over more frequently than I do, never. If so, thank you for making me feel less alone.

Here’s my complaint about the shower. The water is too hot. This is fine during the winter months. In the summer months this is painful and upsetting. I want to hurt someone after taking a shower, normally. After taking a shower in this bathroom with the burning hot water, I still want to hurt someone, but now it’s someone who doesn’t deserve it quite as much. I would also like the option to take a bath if I wanted to. The option does not exist and the maintenance man said he would take care of it. I am afraid to call him back again because the superintendent of my building has a strange skin disease. I am frightened that he will come do the job himself, a piece of his weird skin will fall off his face, and I will step on it. My feet are gross enough as they are. I do not want them looking like this guy’s face. He also wears a bandana frequently. Unless you are a cowboy bank robber or a freshly groomed dog I would prefer not seeing a bandana anywhere near you.

The final thing I want to bring up to you is the problem with the medicine cabinet mirror. Or should I say mirrors? These are two separate entities and when looking into the mirror you make me look really fat. This works well when flexing my arms because it doubles my bicep size by adding two inches. For the rest of my body though this is problematic. I gave up eating for a month because I didn’t realize you had this strange optical illusion staring me in the eye, chest, hips, thighs, waistline, or anywhere else I am insecure about on my body. Please see to it that you correct this problem. I suggest smashing.

There is a library down the street. I have seen a homeless man bathe in the sink there. Don’t think that I won’t be willing to do the same if you don’t take the time to at least think about changing.

Respectfully yours,

Tim

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Comments
  1. Addie says:

    I clicked. I actually read! I was entertained. Mission accomplished.

  2. So you are attempting to take the pressure of the Bieber by outdoing his stupid comments about Anne Frank? How noble of you.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m not even sure what Justin Bieber said about anything ever. At least you have a younger daughter to possibly blame for that even though I think she’s too smart to like him.

      • It was in the international news… he went to the Frank house in Amsterdam, signed the guest book, and said he wondered if Anne would have been a Bieleber… what a schmuck.

  3. Way cool! How’d you add the links to your sidebar?

    Somehow, I find it odd that while reading in the nude as an 8th grader you chose to The Diary of Anne Frank. I don’t remember the book including any pictures at all.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh the nudity all had to do with my family not being able to afford air conditioning and I didn’t want to wet up the only pair of clothes I owned. I kid. But only partially.

      I went into Appearance and added a widget in there. If you want to do it for yourself I can give you more comprehensive directions.

  4. Reading the un-basebally articles is just like reading your posts here minus the constant swearing and hilarious comments, and the wordpress theme I guess. The basebally ones, well I’m almost sure it’s just like reading your posts in Miami Carlins. But I wouldn’t really know since baseball is like the language of aquatic aliens to me (aka I didn’t read it).

    Note taken about clicking those links as often as possible. 😉 I’m just doing this because I expect to receive royalties for the profit you make out of these articles and not because you’re my friend or something.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If I cared if people actually read my stuff then I would have a lot of trouble sleeping at night. I’m well enough aware that most people skim. Clicking though is giving me a few cents. On clicks alone I think I have already made 50 cents! It’s the upfront payments that are much more satisfying. Not quite sure what I’m rambling about anymore. Thanks not friend.

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