I am participating in another “write about something we tell you to write about or else you’re not cool” by the two biggest bullies I know, Emily and Ashley. They wanted us cool kids to talk about swimming pools. I don’t feel like telling a story, plus making bullet points is a lot quicker so here are random bullet pointed memories from swimming pools minus the time a girl saw my penis in one.

-The last pool party I went to, Nick Tallone kicked me in the testicles. It was at Dave Pugliese’s party and his mom yelled at Nick for while I sheltered my scrotum. I actually wrote about this already in a future post so sorry when I repeat myself in a few weeks. My nuts still haven’t recovered.

-The last pool party I was invited to I didn’t show up because a girl I liked was going to be there and I wanted to think she might like me. Taking off my shirt would have made her not like me.

-Freshman year of high school I was the only guy who got a note to get out of pool which everyone laughed about because nobody wanted to see me shirtless anyway. I ended up spending the period sitting with all the girls. The next day a kid who is a cross-dresser now and a Korean kid didn’t swim because they were too exhausted from the day before. Every year after that in high school most of the class would get notes to avoid going in the piss-filled water.

-My favorite game to play in a pool is throwing as many objects in there then walking around the outer edge for about a half hour. This creates such a strong current that you can spend a long time just floating around in really rough waters. I’m so easy to please.

-One time I went with Brian Jany to a community pool his family was a member at. I saw some kid named Elliot there eating that weird candy that looks like a piece of chalk that you did into colored sugar. Nothing else happened.

-In sixth grade I went to a day camp during the summer sponsored by the YMCA. Part of this was swimming in a pool then swimming in a lake. I swam in the pool a few times and the gay kid told me he liked how goo my cannonballs were. When I swam in the lake I saw a dead turtle float into a kid’s face.

-The only time I really ever enjoyed swimming was during my early trips to the Poconos with my dad and sister. Our favorite game to play was going underwater and counting how many fingers my dad was holding up. My vision is terrible now and it probably has something to do with opening my eyes in chlorinated water.

-One time my younger sister pooped in a swimming pool and our babysitter had to hose her ass off.

-Some kid named Robert with warts on his hands basically taught me how to swim. He said, “Jump in. You’re fat enough to float.” I did and I was.

-When I was about 12 my mom said we could either get a pool or a new dog. The family unanimously decided to get a pool. We got a dog and he’s still alive.

Swimming pools for me are a place of insecurities, few good memories, and dead bugs floating around. They should all die.


(This poorly Photoshopped picture is my personal hell)

  1. Addie says:

    My personal worse memory is my Aunt teaching me to swim by throwing me in the middle of the pool and telling me to swim.

    That didn’t work, and they had to pull me up from the bottom and smack my lungs. She was so disgusted, she took us all home and made us take naps.

    I like the turtle story.

  2. That’s what my pool looks like right now. 8 people in the middle of the day.

  3. rossmurray1 says:

    A backyard pool is just one more damn thing to mow around. – Everyone’s dad

  4. Linda Vernon says:

    Did the baby sitter charge extra for hosing off asses? And if so, how much? (if that ever happens to one of my family members I’d be extremely grateful, but I don’t want to overpay.)

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m sure the babysitter got a kick out of it. She was watching about 30 kids on any given day so there was a lot of poop everywhere. One girl left a trail of poop then she hid in a closet. She actually got really hot in high school too and I should have totally used that as blackmail against her as a prom date.

      In short, hosing off an ass was probably free.

  5. Ha… the gay kid said how ‘goo’ your cannonballs were’… now that is a Freudian slip if there ever was one…

  6. The Waiting says:

    Above ground pools are not only your personal hell, but likely Hell itself. Like, the real place.

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