Archive for July, 2013

This has nothing to do with paying a woman for her services. Instead I am curious if I could get some advice, most specifically from women out there on what I should do. I need some tips on how to court a girl I met.

First of all, this girl is my dream girl. She is everything I would ever want. She’s cute, she’s funny, and holds down a job that doesn’t pay too well. I don’t want to be with some doctor or lawyer. What do I have to offer them? Career women disgust me. I hate young professionals. Doctors are always pulling plugs on the elderly and lawyers are busy defending them even when they know the doctors are guilty. I’m just too nice for them. Oh and there’s that whole money thing. They’ll be making more money than I ever will. That would probably be a problem.

oprah-and-stedman(I don’t want to be Stedman)

I met this girl one night at a restaurant/bar. I was with two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. At first she didn’t seem to pay much attention to me. She was our waitress and was just doing her job interacting with us. As the night went on though we found out we had a bit too much in common. I would rather not get into what those things were for more private reasons. And when I say private, it doesn’t mean we had matching genitals.

We began talking in a little less formal way. She looked at me the way girls look at guys they adore. Her eyes told me she cared about everything I had to say. Her lips told me she would like to make contact. Her hairline told me I should probably meet her mother to make sure she wouldn’t be bald by the time she hit 40. It gave me butterflies and to the point I felt I had to take a shit.

At one point I made her laugh really hard with a gruesome joke. I can’t even remember what it was, something about someone getting hurt. She touched my arm briefly and everything paused. We locked eyes then looked away. Then we looked back again and we were look two cynics staring at a car crash, unable to look away for too long. Magic was happening.

I have never actually asked a waitress or bartender for her phone number or anything like that. It always seemed like a drunken asshole’s move. This girl though was different because I could tell the feeling was mutual.

bombay040502(This is the most mutual quote in existence. Why focus on the negativity though? The quote should be something like “A hug for a huge will make the whole world smile”)

I was ready to put myself out there, risk an awkward rest of the evening if I was wrong, and ask my dream girl if she would be interested in hanging out sometime. Of course though, things didn’t go as I hoped they would have gone. She was my dream girl so I woke up as I was about to get her information. Yes, this was just a stupid dream I had. But still, that doesn’t mean I don’t need your help.

How do I get my dream girl back? I woke up just as I manned up and she was gone. In the dream I really had to pee so I took that as I had to pee in real life. I did have to pee in real life so I did, but by that time I couldn’t recapture the dream again. I’m afraid she could be gone forever. Any ideas would be very helpful. I don’t want this poor girl from my subconscious to think I ditched her for reality.

progressive-flo(I heard something about how Flo makes a couple million dollars a year from her Progressive commercials alone. Reality blows)

If God exists, he is a twin.

I got the results back from the radio contest I entered. You know, that one I was really excited about. The one that when I first found out about it I would lie in bed fantasizing. The one I had trouble sleeping over because the excitement was so strong. That one. Unlike Mitt Romney, I had a loser speech prepared. It’s basically just two middle fingers aimed at the rest of the world, but body language is still a language.

tara lynne barr middle finger(I used this picture before, pardon the laziness)

This week started off with me finding out late Monday/early Tuesday that I was not accepted into some impossible to get into Internship I applied for. I had my doubts about it anyway since it was a nationwide thing and probably every UCLA student with any potential applied. I wasn’t surprised when they sent me the email saying “Blah blah blah so many great people had to be turned away” followed with “Blah blah blah please follow us on Twitter anyway.” Why would I want to follow you anywhere after you rejected me? You’re not a woman I asked out on a date. I’m not going to be persistent and bug you forever.

Moving along to the radio contest and what I really wanted to talk about, obviously by now it’s clear that I didn’t get it. I was not selected as one of the 9 semifinalists. I thought I could possibly at least get that far. I had Carter “Super Fly” Johns on my side. He gets everything he wants in life. Maybe it would rub off on me.

I waited with masturbated breath (that’s a real thing, it’s when you’re exhausted from masturbating and haven’t brushed your teeth yet in the day) as 5 o’clock approached, the time they would be announcing live on the air the winners. They started with the males and I wasn’t there. Then they went to the females and I of course wasn’t there. Then they got to the duos and again, my name was not mentioned. I imagine this is what it must have been like to be a one-armed slave at an auction or a fat girl at a debutante ball. Name after name came and I was not selected. It was too late to throw in the towel. The judges had spoken and they told me to fuck off and die.

debutante ball(Beauty is in the eye of how much money your father has)

Now because it’s what I enjoy doing most and I’m only about an hour removed of having my hopes crushed, I think it’s fair for me to judge the 9 semifinalists they did select. You can check them out on the website if you want to search for them, but really you don’t need to.

The first person they announced was a black guy who shouted a lot. That’s cool. That’s really going to get people excited. The second one they played was a guy with a whistle. I’m not sure if he was black or white and that doesn’t matter. What matters is all I remember from the clip they played is that he blew a whistle. The final male solo guy that was selected didn’t stand out to me at all. He was very soft-spoken and boring. I can’t remember a thing about it. Maybe because I was too busy texting people saying “Maybe this is just a bad dream or a really in-depth prank.”

rape whistle(Maybe the video began with a rape?)

Then they announced the females. The first was the person who will win without a doubt. First of all, she’s attractive. People who work in a male dominated industry always want an attractive female around. Second of all, she’s actually pretty good and has a great speaking voice. She knows her stuff and I knew immediately after seeing her video that she would win this. That is unless she blows it. And when I say “it” I don’t mean the Program Director. The other two females had one boring girl and another girl who does roller derby. She used a Pantera song in her video so I’m hoping the radio station gets sued.

Finally the announcement of the winner in the duo category arrived. I was sure my name would be spoken. The only other time my name was on the radio was once during a friend’s podcast and another time when I followed someone on Twitter because he said he’d read our names on the air. It was epic. The first duo was two boring guys who do a podcast together. They look pretty old so good for them. The second duo was another boring duo who look pretty old. I get it. The prize is you get to work a year on the station and these guys may not make it. Then came the final selection. This was the selection that aggravated me to no end.

The final video was the one video I thought for sure wouldn’t make it. The video was of two twin brothers. Okay that’s cute. Two twin brothers who are sports fans on the air. But think about it. How the hell are we going to be able to tell the difference between the two? They have the same exact voice. All they did in their video was bicker and it made no sense. The bickering reminded me of my parents, minus my mom throwing a vacuum cleaner at my dad. I wish that was a joke. The twins really went all out for their video too. They surrounded the table they sat at with sports memorabilia. They wore suits. If the contest was “Get as many people as you can who came out of the same vagina and not say anything valuable” then these guys deserve to win. That wasn’t the contest though.

Dylan-Cole-Sprouse-Ellen-DeGeneres-29(The Sprouse twins being disgusting in a bucket)

My anger starts and ends with the fact that the twins were selected. I even already joked with others how dumb it would be to choose them. In a medium where you only hear people’s voices and you own that voice, there would be no way to differentiate between the two. They will have to say their names before everything they say. I’m sure they were selected because it’s a gimmicky thing and I know they won’t win. Still, I’m angry. I’m angry that neither of my videos, or even somebody else’s, was not selected over this novelty act. It’s not like their video was even any good.

I have one thing left I’m looking forward to hearing back from. It’s the one thing I’ve also entered the past two years. Is third time a charm? It would be a pretty romantic story after all the failures at everything I was looking forward to this month I end up winning that final contest, which I should add, has the best reward. $25,000 and a developmental deal? That’s more than I’ve ever made in a year. And maybe I’ll win that and be able to get this cyst on my back removed or pushed back in. I’m not sure what doctors do.

Who knew getting rejected by a second-rate sports station that I only listen to when WIP doesn’t do a live show on their online stream? I’m also happy the one guy who seemed like a real jerk and bragged in his video about being on TV before didn’t get it.

I’m participating in a blogging project. Is it a project? It’s more people just putting links places. Sounds like hard work to me. We’re supposed to write about sleepovers. I already wrote a post about that before, but felt it would be cheating to allow them to put that link up. I’ll put it up here anyway then summarize it below again for the sake of things. The strangest sleepover I had can be read here at Up All Night Giggle Fests. But I had more and here are the top 10 things that I remember from sleepovers in no particular order.

1) At one of my first sleepovers a kid with bad breath showed us his butt then we watched The Stupids and made fun of the kid who fell asleep at 8 then we all fell asleep at 9.

2) When I was sleeping over Michael Barbera’s house one time we were watching Jungle 2 Jungle. He fell asleep and his dad came over and shut the movie off while I was still awake. I pretended to be asleep after that because it would have been awkward otherwise.


3) When I was older I was sleeping over a friend’s house. He asked me if I needed to (insert whatever your favorite term for masturbation is here) before going to bed. I told him no. He excused himself and returned 10 minutes later. He probably wanted to say his prayers in private, right?

4) I was never allowed to have friends over as a kid because my house was really gross and messy. I began house sitting frequently when I was an older teenager and I had a friend sleepover one night. He slept in the little girl’s bed. We also watched porn and laughed at it because doing anything else would be weird.

5) A lot of times I would drink at friend’s houses. I never wanted to sleep on the floor so I usually stayed up all night until I was super enough to drive home. One time a girl rested her head on my crotch and we watched 9/11 conspiracy videos on YouTube all night long. She got really fat and didn’t remember me a week later.


6) One time a friend of mine at a sleepover I actually stayed at asked me if he should show his foreskin to some girl in exchange for her to show him her boobs. I told him not to and he didn’t. I have never felt so trusted.

7) When I was younger my mom was in the hospital a lot. It was unfortunate that one time when she was in the hospital my dad was away for like the only business trip he ever went on. I think it was to Baltimore. He saw Jason Giambi there. Because my parents were afraid of someone calling DYFS on them, my sister and I had to stay at a neighbor’s house. When I was sent to bed I remember waking up and crawling around on the floor for no reason at all.



9) One time I got home late from New York City when I was doing stand-up comedy and decided instead of driving the 30 minutes it took to get home I would just sleep in my car since I had work the next morning anyway. This wasn’t so much a sleepover as much as it was a cry for help that went ignored. I also hurt my neck trying to sleep.

10) I swear I remember one time when I brought a change of clothes and a sleeping bag over to a friend’s house expecting to sleepover and they kept hinting at me to leave. I can’t remember the particular details, but I remember the feeling of rejection and being reminded that my sleep farts were not welcome in their parent’s basement.


In a few days, however many it is until Friday, I find out if I am a finalist in the 97.5 The Fanatic Dream Job contest. I believe the possibility of me being a finalist is high. When I say high I mean there is literally a less than 1/100 chance. There is more of a chance at me getting a gig on the radio than there is for Lloyd Christmas to get with Mary Swanson. I of course have to be a little cocky and believe my odds are even better than the actual math. Not only do I think my videos were different from a lot of the others, I also followed the directions and made great points about Philadelphia sports. The only thing that is in my way is that I’m not a female. I know they would love to have a female on the station. I would however probably be willing to wear women’s underwear if it meant I could win this. Wouldn’t you? I’ve spent the last 3 years of my life listening to a lot of Philadelphia sports radio so I have a good idea of how things work. Why am I making this seem like a resume? Forget it. All I’m saying is that this would be a really cool thing to happen to me and I ask if you can take the time to look over my two videos and like and/or comment on them. This isn’t a contest where you particularly vote for a person, but they do want us to be media savvy in promoting so this is me being media savvy and promoting. It’s either that or take hostages and I would feel really bad if I gave someone Stockholm Syndrome.

My Solo Video

My Duo Video

lloyd christmas

Two of the best channels out there are HBO and Showtime. If you want to argue TLC for the freak factor, I’ll give you that. HBO was the first channel you needed a satellite dish for or something like that. I’m not exactly sure how this all works. It’s been around since the late 1960s or early 1970s in some form though. Showtime has also been around for a long time, 1976 according to briefly looking at the Wikipedia page. In the United States you still have to pay for these exclusively, meaning I have never lived in a home where these channels were accessible. Thanks to things like Netflix and me breaking into neighbor’s homes and watching their televisions when they are out of town, I’ve come to know a lot about these channels and the programming they provide. Both are great, but I have to wonder, which is better?

Point 1: The Programming

HBO has had hits like The Sopranos, Oz, Sex and the City, The Wire, Game of Thrones, and a few other things. Showtime is best known for Weeds, Dexter, Homeland, Dead Like Me, and a bunch of shows about gay people. There’s a very obvious contrast between the programming if you pay attention long enough. HBO has a much more East Coast feel to it. All of the shows I mentioned above take place somewhere in the Northeastern United States. Game of Thrones of course takes place in Montpellier, Vermont; something many fans overlook. Showtime has a more West Coast feel to it, despite not all of the shows being California based. Weeds and Californication are two I know take place in California. Homeland is in D.C. and Dexter is in Miami aka California on a penis. It would be impossible to choose which has better shows so I’m not going to do it.

vern schillinger(Although I’m a little partial to Oz)

Point 2: DVDs

Hands down Showtime is better at DVD sales. I’m basing DVD sales on price. HBO will put around two episodes on a disc sometimes. I’m talking to you Carnivale! Six discs for twelve episodes? Give me a break. The prices of HBO DVDs are also outrageous. Some will run all the way up to around $50. I was interested in buying Eastbound and Down Season One until I realized I would be paying $20 for six episodes. Kenny Powers is great, but he’s not that great. Showtime’s prices are much more reasonable. At least when I go into a Best Buy I don’t immediately skip over them because of the price.

Point 3: Netflix

You may not have noticed this, but very few if any HBO shows are available on Netflix. I’m sure it’s a contract they would have to sign to do this and I think it really limits their audience. Showtime on the other hand puts everything on Netflix. Weeds, Dexter, The United States of Tara, and more are readily available for your viewing pleasure or viewing hatred. I’m including hatred here because I don’t think you’ll enjoy everything.

dexter-season-6(Americans, we love our gore and our bothered by our morals getting questioned without it)

Point 4: Mary-Louise Parker

Mary-Louise Parker is too old to have my babies. That’s a shame because I think we would make cute ones. On HBO she only got to star in a miniseries Angels in America where she did get to go full frontal nude. However, on Weeds broadcasted on Showtime she gets to have her own TV show where we get to see her naked quite a bit in the middle few seasons. If nudity isn’t your thing, she has some cute outfits.

mary louise parker(Even in prison she’s incredibly adorable)

Point 5: Sex and Violence

Showtime is probably better at sex than HBO is. Showtime gives us a naked Mary-Louise Parker, Californication, Michael C. Hall’s upper body, and Big Brother after dark which I have heard is just everyone spreading STDs. HBO is the one you should turn to for the violence. The Sopranos, Oz, and The Wire alone are enough to satisfy your blood-thirsty needs. HBO also seems to show a lot more penis than Showtime. Just letting you know that I have realized this.

Omar-The-Wire-shotgun-1pvbyw9(Since The Wire was on HBO it’s “Omar coming” not like if it was on Showtime where it would be “Omar cumming.”

Point 6: Sports and Comedy

I’m not sure if Showtime does anything special for sports or comedy and I know for a fact HBO does it and they do it very well. From boxing matches, to uncensored shows following a hockey team around, to awesome stand-up comedy specials, HBO does it all. I’m sure Showtime would do it well too if given the chance. It’s like how I always tell girls on the street that I’d be a great boyfriend if they would just let me. It’s usually at that point they get to the final “1” in 911 and I have to run for my freedom.

louisckhboPOST(Can Louis CK communicate if he’s holding something in both hands?)

Which Network do you prefer?

I mentioned before that I started writing movie reviews for some website that didn’t exist yet. I don’t feel like emailing the girl in charge because then she will feel like a failure for letting me down. Instead I’m going to post all of the things I wrote for this idea of a website on this blog. My gimmick for the movie reviews was going to be “Movie Reviews for the Antisocial” where I would review movies accessible on Netflix, YouTube, or other places that didn’t involve going out in public. The first one I wrote was for the 1999 film Cruel Intentions. I can’t remember if there are spoilers. Probably, but this movie is as old as people who can consent to sex in some South American countries.

My Review of Cruel Intentions (1999)

When the film Cruel Intentions came out in 1999 I didn’t even know I had a penis. Well, I knew I had one. I just didn’t understand it. Not that I’m some penis expert now. All I am saying is I understand it has more of a purpose than making fellow swimmers scatter from within the swimming pool. Penises can lead to destruction.

This whole penis introduction is important because that is essentially what Cruel Intentions is about. Sebastian, played by a young Ryan Phillippe, is an iconoclast high school student whose father’s fortune has proven to kill off any compassion in his soul. He starts off as a guy who cares more about getting a girl into bed than getting one into his heart. His stepsister Kathryn, played by Sara Michelle Gellar, is not much different. She thinks sex is a game too. Using her assets against her step-brother whom she knows wants to sleep with her, they make a bet with dare I say it, cruel intentions.

Cruel-Intentions-stills-1999-sarah-michelle-gellar-12678491-1500-1007(Young Sara Michelle Gellar is probably in my top 10 crushes of all-time. Step or blood related, I would probably give her a back rub)

The bet comes about when Sebastian discovers the new headmaster at their school’s daughter is a public virgin. When I use the term public virgin I mean she did a whole piece in a magazine about it. These two were the first examples of how outdated this movie already is. Not only do magazines in hardcopy form hardly exist, neither do attractive blonde high school virgins.

This particular sexless member of society is named Annette, played by Reese Witherspoon. Upon reading the article in the magazine, Sebastian tells Kathryn it is his mission to deflower Annette. Kathryn calls his bluff. The two go back and forth for a bit before settling on the bet’s stipulations. If Sebastian cannot get Annette to sleep with him then Kathryn gets his car. If Sebastian does steal away Annette’s innocence then Kathryn has to have sex with Sebastian. Kathryn is also the one who came up with the whole idea of them having sex. When I was younger I used to wish I had a brother. Now that I’m older, I wish Kathryn was my stepsister.

Sebastian sets out on winning Annette over with his phony charm. It doesn’t work because Annette was warned ahead of time to stay away from him. Joshua Jackson plays a gay friend of Sebastian’s and we know he’s gay because he has bleached blonde hair which I guess was the gayest thing a guy could do back in 1999. He helps Sebastian find out who it was that warned Annette about his promiscuous lifestyle and things begin to get a little more Shakespearian.

joshua-jackson-in-una-scena-del-film-cruel-intentions-116297(Between The Mighty Ducks and Fringe, Joshua Jackson had a very strange career)

A web of sex begins to form as Sebastian sleeps with one person to get back at another. This causes Kathryn to sleep with someone else to get back at Sebastian. All the while, Sebastian is slowly actually starting to feel a real connection to Annette. He tries getting rid of her only to realize it is indeed true love and he is no longer the evil young man he was at the start.

Love, betrayal, and disloyalty are common themes in this film’s third act. I guess they’re common throughout, but I like to sound smart when I can point out I know the difference between each act in a film. It is here in the climax of the film Sebastian seeks out some sort of redemption for his putting his penis before the emotions of others. Will he succeed? Fuck you. Find out for yourself.

This film deals with a lot of issues plaguing young people. Who among us cannot say we have not made a bet with a sexy relative that involves having sex with them if we succeed? Actually, this film is difficult to relate to and I’m not just saying that because they use large rotary phones that they constantly slam down with anger. All of the characters are very well-to-do which means it’s okay to hate them all. These snobby children are making problems for themselves because life has given them everything they could ever want. And if you’re like me, you will hate these characters. You will hate them so much you enjoy watching them hurt each other.

Eiskalte Engel / Cruel Intentions(There’s also a black guy in this movie that plays a huge role that nobody ever talks about. 1999 was so racist)

From the opening scene of Sebastian driving into New York City while Placebo’s “Every You Every Me” plays in the background to the final scene when The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” cuts in, Cruel Intentions is a film I suggest everyone check out if like me they had no clue about the dangers a penis can cause back when this originally came out.

I’m going to talk here more in-depth about a few people I met during my most recent job that involved me doing a lot of traveling around NYC. Some of the people I knew already while some I had seen and others I was meeting for the first time. Since I think of everything as a movie and each person is a character with their own unique personalities I decided I would write about some of the people I worked with. I’m not going to mention one person for sure because he said to me at one point “I’ll have to check out your website” which freaked me out because I had never told him I had one. Do I have a secret admirer?

The Sex Party Guy: I briefly mentioned in one piece I wrote about how someone told me about how he was in Germany he got invited to a sex party. I actually became very friendly with this guy over the course of the next two weeks. I still cannot decide if I hate him or think he’s the coolest person ever. I think the fact he’s so incredibly book smart yet has never eaten pumpkin pie bugs me. I thought this guy was perfect until I saw that he’s a 12% tipper. That kind of bugged me, especially since the money we were spending on dinner was technically paid for.

Can’t Tell If She’s Hot Girl: I only met this girl twice and I still have no clue if she’s hot or not. Whenever I meet a young female 21-28 I always try to stay near them because they smell so good. The first time we met she smiled at me and seemed to go out of her way to introduce herself to me. We stared each other down twice and smiled and that was pretty cool, especially since she might be hot. The second time it was me, her, and the sex party guy working. It was a very neutral day until they started talking about all of the traveling they’ve done around the world and all of a sudden I was taken out of the conversation for the next 30 minutes. They didn’t even give me a chance to jump in and tell them I’ve been to Idaho. That would have definitely beaten them going to China and South Africa.


(No apartheid or Communism. Idaho wins)

The Obnoxious Old Guy: There was one obnoxious old guy working with me some of the time and I could tell nobody liked him. He was one of those old guys who talks nonstop and thinks what he’s doing is very important. Clearly it wasn’t important because I was trusted to do this work too.

Germaphobe: One guy working with us was a germaphobe. I only knew this because he was obnoxious old guy’s stepson and he said his stepson, germaphobe, showers five times a day and drives everywhere because public transportation grosses him out. Germaphobe was the typical fat douche jock type who didn’t really give me any problems, but I imagine he’s probably hit a girlfriend at some point in his life.

howie mandel star 2 040908(He’s going to have to cut off his shoulder now because she touched it)

That Woman I Stalked Online: One of the people I worked with I stalked online using only her first name and place she worked at. Success! I found her picture and Google Plus Account. Wouldn’t it be funny if I added her and said “Hey you’re like 35 and I think you are very attractive. Do you remember me? We never even touched and I said one thing to you and you stared at me when I said it.”

That Cute Blonde Girl: I’m insistent that this one cute blonde girl that worked at one of the schools I had to go to was obsessing over me. I’ll do crazy things like that though and obsess over someone then think they’re obsessing over me. When a female will purposefully look at me then smile I convince myself she wants me in her bed. I’m sure she was just being nice and probably thought compared to the obnoxious old guy or germaphobe I was the best option to procreate with incase the Apocalypse just happened to start.

The Indian: One day I worked solo with an Indian guy. Apparently he was a real dick and called up some girl I have a crush on that I’m not sure why because she’s not my type and asked who I was. In my imagination the girl described me as “Herculian” and “as charming as a snake playboy.” The Indian actually turned out to be pretty cool. We talked about comic books and movies the entire three hours we were together. He even told me he was once contracted to write an Indian version of Private Benjamin, a movie starring Goldie Hawn from many years ago. His friends in India wanted to turn it into a musical though because all movies in India must be musical. They told him to write songs for the film and he asked if they should be songs relating to the story. They told him no, that the songs could be completely random. And this is Exhibit A as to why I’m frustrated I’ve never had a movie I’ve written made.

Private Benjamin(She’s out of her element an in over her head. Funny…)

The Mean Security Guard: There was one security guard I encountered a few times who seemed a little mean. I was looking for the head woman at a community center. Thinking her name was “New Orleans” pronounced the way they pronounce it in New Orleans (Naww-lins) I asked him where Naww-lins was. I said this like five times then he corrected me and thought for the rest of the week I was a racist.

There were also a lot of kids I interacted with. Some were megadouchebags and others were whatever the opposite of that is. It’s strange how unique our personalities can be. I think what makes it so strange is that we all end up living a lonely life then dying anyway so why bother being different? Am I right guys?

My second video for the 97.5 The Fanatic Dream Job application is up on their site. This one I did with a partner, Carter “Wild Thing” Johns. I would appreciate Likes and comments. It will surely make me happier after finding out that I’m a shitty writer who can’t come up with a television show better than Law Show. You can read my last blog post for more on that.

Here’s the link to my duo video

You probably won’t understand anything in it unless you follow Philadelphia sports, but it’s a poorly animated cartoon so I guess maybe do some drugs then watch it. I don’t know. It works for Cartoon Network.

Also you can still comment or Like my single video. Do both.

Thank you and that’s all you have to read. I will find out if I am a finalist in another week and you will never have to hear about this ever again if I don’t make it.

tim and carter