I have been trying to come up with the three funniest moments list for a while now and I finally have done it! Making a list of the funniest thing I have ever done or said is easy. I mean, is there anyone on earth funnier than me? Remember, astronaut and funny man Pavel Vinogradov is currently residing on the space station so I have one less competitor. This brief list I have made are funny things other people have said on purpose that always make me laugh.
At one of my birthday parties I had the option to have the mascot show up or not. I love mascots. This mascot was a seal in a sailor seat named Sammy. The party was being held at some place with ball pits and other things strangers can throw snakes into. Time for cake arrived and then it was the presents. While opening presents, Sammy entered. My face lit up with delight. I was meeting a hero.
It took only a few seconds for the room filled with mostly 9-10 year old boys to turn on Sammy. They began to boo. I think someone even threw something at him. I felt terrible so I got up and ran to him then gave him a hug. I know now I was probably hugging some 15 year old guy with a shitty job, but back then it meant more. The adults gave a collective “Aww.” The few females and possibly a gay male ran up to Sammy too. In the midst of it all, my friend Little Danny said one of the funniest things ever–
“Throw Sammy overboard!” shouted Little Danny. At the time I’m not sure what I thought about his demand. Now though it is hilarious. The kid was so clever with his wording. A simpler kid would have said “Kill Sammy!” but Little Danny stuck with the situation. For something like that to come out of such a young child’s mouth, it’s a shame the last time I ever saw him was at the movie theater during Snakes on a Plane.
The next funniest quote comes from my mom. We were watching the news one evening when a story came on about some high school kid who died. Reporters interviewed friends, teachers, and then they got to an interview with the principal. Everything was incredibly sad and they really made the kid seem like a saint. Then the principal spoke–
“He [the dead kid] had so many hopes and dreams. He wanted to be a professional skateboarder. Skateboarding was that kid’s life.”
My mom literally stood up after hearing that and as she walked away she cackled then said, “A professional skateboarder? What a loss.”
She said it so sarcastically and so mean-spirited. Here these people were crying and my mom was the only one to have enough sense to point out this kid would contribute nothing to society, nor did he ever plan to. Brutal honesty can hurt as much as it can make me laugh.
The final funny quote is the simplest. I went with three friends to a haunted hayride extravaganza. Do they have haunted hayrides all over the country? For some reason I always got a sense it was a New Jersey/Pennsylvania thing. Basically they’re like haunted houses but you ride tractors and teenagers in masks will hop on it and scare you. This particular extravaganza had a bunch of different places to walk and ride through. Ugh I’m making this boring.
As we walked toward the entrance a kid around 12 walked to us. We were 17 at the time so we probably looked pretty damn cool.
“The haunted hayride is really scary,” said the 12-year-old.
Then came my friend’s perfectly delivered, no-nonsense, don’t give a shit quote–
“Fuck you kid.”
Three simple words. The kid had no clue it was coming either. All he did was tell us to expect to get our money’s worth and my shithead friend had to be incredibly nasty for no reason at all. The young kid stopped and went pale. Joy left his face completely. I laughed wildly. It was too perfect and unnecessary. The kid probably never again spoke to a stranger.
(2,098,006 bonus points if you can tell me what I wanted the caption to this to be about, but then realized this is probably a school trip and it’s not weird for a random black kid to be with all of these boring white people)
Violence, unsympathetic quips, and unnecessary insults are what make up the funniest quotes I have heard people say on purpose. What about you? What is something someone else has said that always makes you laugh?