Archive for August, 2013

I have been trying to come up with the three funniest moments list for a while now and I finally have done it! Making a list of the funniest thing I have ever done or said is easy. I mean, is there anyone on earth funnier than me? Remember, astronaut and funny man Pavel Vinogradov is currently residing on the space station so I have one less competitor. This brief list I have made are funny things other people have said on purpose that always make me laugh.

vinogradov_pavel(I swear he’s funny)

At one of my birthday parties I had the option to have the mascot show up or not. I love mascots. This mascot was a seal in a sailor seat named Sammy. The party was being held at some place with ball pits and other things strangers can throw snakes into. Time for cake arrived and then it was the presents. While opening presents, Sammy entered. My face lit up with delight. I was meeting a hero.

It took only a few seconds for the room filled with mostly 9-10 year old boys to turn on Sammy. They began to boo. I think someone even threw something at him. I felt terrible so I got up and ran to him then gave him a hug. I know now I was probably hugging some 15 year old guy with a shitty job, but back then it meant more. The adults gave a collective “Aww.” The few females and possibly a gay male ran up to Sammy too. In the midst of it all, my friend Little Danny said one of the funniest things ever–

“Throw Sammy overboard!” shouted Little Danny. At the time I’m not sure what I thought about his demand. Now though it is hilarious. The kid was so clever with his wording. A simpler kid would have said “Kill Sammy!” but Little Danny stuck with the situation. For something like that to come out of such a young child’s mouth, it’s a shame the last time I ever saw him was at the movie theater during Snakes on a Plane.

natalie wood(She might not be Sammy, but I doubt Little Danny would have any problem with Natalie Wood getting thrown overboard)

The next funniest quote comes from my mom. We were watching the news one evening when a story came on about some high school kid who died. Reporters interviewed friends, teachers, and then they got to an interview with the principal. Everything was incredibly sad and they really made the kid seem like a saint. Then the principal spoke–

“He [the dead kid] had so many hopes and dreams. He wanted to be a professional skateboarder. Skateboarding was that kid’s life.”

My mom literally stood up after hearing that and as she walked away she cackled then said, “A professional skateboarder? What a loss.”

She said it so sarcastically and so mean-spirited. Here these people were crying and my mom was the only one to have enough sense to point out this kid would contribute nothing to society, nor did he ever plan to. Brutal honesty can hurt as much as it can make me laugh.

 rowan-skateboard-fail-british-museum-1(The kid didn’t die while skateboarding so this is like a picture that just confuses the readers)

The final funny quote is the simplest. I went with three friends to a haunted hayride extravaganza. Do they have haunted hayrides all over the country? For some reason I always got a sense it was a New Jersey/Pennsylvania thing. Basically they’re like haunted houses but you ride tractors and teenagers in masks will hop on it and scare you. This particular extravaganza had a bunch of different places to walk and ride through. Ugh I’m making this boring.

As we walked toward the entrance a kid around 12 walked to us. We were 17 at the time so we probably looked pretty damn cool.

“The haunted hayride is really scary,” said the 12-year-old.

Then came my friend’s perfectly delivered, no-nonsense, don’t give a shit quote–

“Fuck you kid.”

Three simple words. The kid had no clue it was coming either. All he did was tell us to expect to get our money’s worth and my shithead friend had to be incredibly nasty for no reason at all. The young kid stopped and went pale. Joy left his face completely. I laughed wildly. It was too perfect and unnecessary. The kid probably never again spoke to a stranger.

Hayride_-Victims(2,098,006 bonus points if you can tell me what I wanted the caption to this to be about, but then realized this is probably a school trip and it’s not weird for a random black kid to be with all of these boring white people)

Violence, unsympathetic quips, and unnecessary insults are what make up the funniest quotes I have heard people say on purpose. What about you? What is something someone else has said that always makes you laugh?

Today is somebody special’s birthday. I’m not sure who. I just figure there has to be someone out there who did something special who is celebrating/crying on their birthday, today. This year has been a big one for birthdays. I have gone to two birthday celebrations for two different people. Here are some memories I have from birthday parties in the past, mine and ones belonging to others.

-One year a friend of mine had a birthday party in his backyard. I remember seeing him crying and I felt bad because it was his birthday. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mom wouldn’t let him go inside. I asked him if it was because his house was messy and that if it was because his house was messy that my house was messy too so I understood. He said it had nothing to do with a messy house. And then it was out in the open, I lived in a shitty house.

Lego house(My childhood home was nowhere near this cool)

-In second grade I broke my leg. Some kid I wasn’t friends with named Sean Dunn was actually really nice and helpful when it came to getting me around the school so I felt obligated to invite him to my party. The celebration was held at a Discovery Zone type place called either Exploration or Romp-Around. I can’t remember, there were a lot of places with ball pits in the 1990s. When he got to my party he was a big asshole and my parents were glad I was only friends with him out of guilt.

-Sportsland was a poorly titled place I spent one birthday party at. All I remember doing there was crawling through things, kind of like the only thing I remember about drunk sex. I was afraid to slide down this one really tall fireman pole. The birthday boy’s older brother caught me on my way down. Another kid there kept telling me how brave I was and even compared me to Conan the Barbarian.

conan-the-barbarian-arnold-schwarzenegger-movie-image(Me as a 10-year-old)

-One year my parents told me I could either have a birthday party or get extra presents. I chose presents and suddenly a lifetime of being a hermit began.

-Lucas McGuire had a bowling party one year. My dad got me there an hour early and we played arcade games until everyone got there. That was the same day I discovered that one arcade shooting game requires you to shoot the bad guys in the feet to kill them. I thought that was stupid. The bad moment of this party came when both I and Michael Barbera got Lucas McGuire a Scarecrow from Batman: The Animated Series action figure. Everyone laughed and my present was probably destroyed.

scarecrow(Unopened so at least it still has its original value of $4)

-I was only ever invited to one female birthday party when I was younger. I don’t remember much except one of her presents was this pink furry thing that a Vegas Showgirl would wear. After she opened it she began dancing. It was uncomfortable.

hot-pink-and-fluffy(Holy shit this is exactly how she looked to me. I’m pretty sure this is John Travolta. This pilot hat gives it away)

-Possibly the last birthday party I got invited to as a kid was in sixth grade. I have no clue why I was invited to this because everyone there was a cool kid. I guess Kevin Donahue thought I was cooler than I was. We played the game Manhunt in the dark and I was so good at it that everybody forgot about it. I hid for close to a half hour before making my move. I ran toward the jail then shouted for my team to tag my hand. They all jumped out of the back of the truck, got tagged again, and I was tagged too. So we all went to prison. The first kid I tagged is also dead now.

-I went to one birthday party where the birthday boy suggested we play a game of kickball. When we got to the field he said he was tired and would be the umpire. He sat down the entire time too while his friends played kickball. It was pathetic.

-Last year on my birthday I ate an entire pizza. Treat yourself, right?

-One year for my younger sister’s birthday we went as a family to the Liberty Science Center. It’s basically the coolest museum ever, maybe only second to the Franklin Institute. It was awkward because my parents weren’t talking at the time and everyone had to pretend this was normal behavior for adults.

 balls(“She likes when I touch my balls” – creepy man in flip flops)

-The same kid who had the Sportsland birthday party had another one at his house. Or maybe it was the same year. Anyway, I remember everybody going outside and looking across the street at a kid who wasn’t invited. The uninvited kid was spending his afternoon getting chased by his dad with a lawnmower.

-A friend of mine had a pool party one year. For some reason another kid decided to kick me in the testicles while in the pool. The birthday boy’s mom yelled at him for kicking my scrotum. The mom was also really hot and wore a bikini so like, awesome.

 pool-party(This picture doesn’t really match up with anything, but it’s beautiful)

-There was this kid who lived a few houses down from me that my mom tried to make me be friends with. I went to his birthday party while wearing my Godzilla shirt. I remember during the piñata breaking an adult said “Stand back! This kid is good at baseball.” It got to my head and I completely missed. I think some swimming was involved. He was another kid with a hot family member, this one being his sister. His mom was atrocious so maybe I dodged a bullet…as if I had a chance.

I’m sure I went to many other birthday parties. The best ones are the ones when you’re really young though and only small details stick with you. When you’re older it’s more of a reunion thing where you get drunk and talk about who has died or is gay now. So I guess I need to thank the dead and gay people for giving birthday parties of today more meaning.

I forgot I had a file on my computer labeled “Submissions.” Despite your best guest, this fall was not filled with different ways to tie a girl down. These were things I had planned to submit to popular humor websites like University Funny or Cocained. I was tired of always being rejected on everything I submitted so this file sat dormant and untouched since June 20th when I guess I last added something to it. This is just a little behind the scenes as to where this little ditty came from. I was going to submit some of these along with the other things I am writing for Yahoo, but I don’t want to be too edgy there, plus I can live without the 5 cents this would earn me.

What Your Breakfast Choice Says About Your Sex Life

Hearty-Breakfast

Can your choice of breakfast really give others an idea what you are like in bed? Scientists will say no. Keep in mind, many scientists do not believe in Intelligent Design. This means scientists must believe in Unintelligent Design. Conclusion, scientists are stupid and you can indeed tell what a person is like in bed based on their breakfast choices.

What does OATMEAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re not flashy, you don’t care what anyone else thinks, you have sex because it’s just something you think you should do, and sex with you is somewhat bland but you are very filling nonetheless.

What do POPTARTS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You tend to remain flat, anyone can do everything you can in the matter of seconds, and the older you get the more you will realize this is for kids.

What do PANCAKE for breakfast say about my sex life?

You have a really good reputation, you go well with anything and at any time of the day, and you’re near perfect.

What do WAFFLES for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re trying too hard to do what the pancake does better. Give up. You’ll never be as good.

What does FRESH FRUIT for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re boring, you have no imagination or willingness to be daring, and you’re probably a lonely person who will die that way.

What does CEREAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You are a lot better in theory, in the beginning you’re pretty good, after a while you get a little too soggy, and you tend to make a bigger mess than anyone ever expected.

What do EGGS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You know a million different ways to do it and each way ends with you having terrible gas.

What does COLD PIZZA for breakfast say about my sex life?

You don’t put much thought into anything you do, you tend to not finish what you started the night before and try to make up for it the next morning, and you think having something is better than having nothing at all.

What does HAVING NOTHING for breakfast say about my sex life?

You were probably too busy jerking off to have time to prepare anything for breakfast. Get some granola bars.

crushed

I had my hopes crushed again this year. For the third year running I entered a sitcom writing contest and was not selected as a finalist. I mean, I must suck, right? There is no other explanation. As I do with every contest I lose, and yes nobody won I just lost, I am making up horrible plot lines for these sitcom scripts that made it to the finals based on only their titles.

Alice, Wonderland

An English professor tries to replace the word “in” with commas to save himself time during his busy schedule. An uprising occurs as to whether or not the public will accept this new abbreviation.

Black Sheep

Scenes from the Chris Farley comedy of the same name and the horror film about sheep in Scotland killing people are spliced together each week to make up an original program.

Bros

A comedy about the life of the Menendez Brothers. We open to a shot of them both getting molested with a tennis racket.

Chimney Creek

In the small town of Chimney Creek, Arkansas lives a woman with a demonic possession. She shits everywhere and takes the Lord’s name in vain. Stars Marlee Matlin as the demonically possessed woman.

Creatives

Art student Josie Poontang and street magician Lyle Toilet open up a shop in midtown Cheyenne, Wyoming to allow creative people to come and join them each week. In the second episode Josie dies and becomes a ghost with a chain-smoking problem.

D-1

Sandra Oliver has a big chest. Then she gets cancer and has to have one removed. Now she is down to one D-Cup breast.

Evil Blond Kid

Dennis the Menace.

Ex-Communication

A fictitious version of the last days of Napoleon Bonaparte and how he spent them chasing broads and not being able to reach high things. Alternate title, “The Small Dicked Frenchman.”

The Good Samaritan’s Club

A comedy about the gang violence between The Good Samaritan’s Club and the more popular First Wive’s Club. Receives the first NC-17 rating for a television show because of how violent it is and how they kill animals each week, for real.

Hot Fail

Internet bloopers show about people accidentally falling into volcanoes.

Julie #2

After a miscarriage, thought to be mother Janice Spredlegs gets pregnant again, this time by her father! They name the child after the baby they lost, but to differentiate between the two during conversation, they add the #2 to the end.

The Manifest

Pilgrim Peter Washington is the first gay pilgrim. He wants to start a “Man Fest” but due to his speech impediment he starts a manifest, whatever that is.

Match Pointe

Tennis legend Eric Von Beerdrinker is down on his luck and just find out he his ex-wife has given him HIV. He sets out to systematically destroy her life throughout the series, with many humorous roadblocks along the way.

Park Life

The chronicles of five hobos, one of whom lies about being a war veteran, and all of the places they urinate in the park.

Peace

In a world without conflict, nothing happens and everyone kills themselves because they are so bored. The series begins when nobody is no longer around and nothing continues to happen.

The Pool

Con-artist Nicholas Obama is jealous of his brother, fictional character and United States President Larack’s success. He decides to became a pool lifeguard. The only problem is he’s black and has to face a lot of prejudice along the way.

Power Moms

It’s Power Rangers, but with mothers. At the end of each episode they form a human pyramid then their backs hurt so they stop.

Reject – A Recruiting Comedy

Nothing funny ever happens because you shouldn’t put “comedy” in the title of a comedy. It’s like people who have “funny” in their Twitter name. No you’re not.

Rom.com

A website for Roman sex slave trafficking opens up. The only person who can stop it is bumbling detective and former NFL quarterback, Zed Pill. Along with his trusted sidekick and former teammate and Native American and gay lover Ike Runs With Bear, they try to stop it.

Rumspringa

Amish kids go on Rumspringa. The show is great until it gets old and we realize there are too many shows about the Amish already.

Third and a Mile

Buddies Billy, Niles, and Wesley love going out and picking up girls then sharing them. Wesley is always the third one to bang the girl. The problem is, he always finds himself a mile away! Can he get there in time before she sobers up?

We’re Not Your Parents

A school of abusive teachers hit and punish children emotionally and physically while reminding the children they have no need to be nice to them, they are not their parents.

What Goes Up…

The first show about astronauts. In the first season finale we get a comedic look at the Challenger explosion and the impatient workers who had to clean up the mess all in the name of science.

Works in Progress

Each week the show is presented in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” format. Will you enter the cave or will you stay at home and get fatter? Find out never!

Yellow Pine Pride

A gang of public urinators are recruited by the government to stop public poopers because pooping in public is worse than peeing. It takes place somewhere in the Northwest, hence the “pine” part. Actor Chris Pine is also in it. He’s known for having urine that smells like Pinesol as well. His character, not the guy.

Movies have extras. Life has extras. The best thing about the town I’m currently residing in is it’s very communal. By that I mean it’s so poor that we all share a bathroom. We call the bathroom “anywhere in Burger King.” My favorite things about towns are the people in these towns that we encounter often but never connect with. Here are people I see often and will never know when they die.

The Androgynous Homeless Person:

I’m pretty sure it’s a woman. I would probably have to have sex with it to find out for sure. I see this homeless person almost every day. Technically it lives one town over. Well, technically it lives nowhere. Sometimes it asks me for change and other times it just sits there looking exhausted. The best part is there are two bridges nowhere and it gets to choose which one to hide beneath and bother people. I only have one home where I can do that.

Pat2(Remember Pat from SNL? I just did)

 The Kid Handing Out Papers:

There’s this kid I always see by the train station handing out papers. At first I thought he was an entrepreneur but then I realized he’s working for some luxury apartment building. The luxury apartments he works for are apparently really nice. I can’t be sure though. I always refrain from making eye contact with him. He works too closely to the homeless thing.

The Friendly Subway Girl with the Nice Butt:

Possibly my favorite person in town is the girl who works at Subway and has a really nice butt. She wears tight black shorts sometimes. Say what? I hate that the counter blocks my view. She’s always very friendly too and smiles a ton. Whenever she serves me I’ll stay there and eat because I have this fantasy that she’ll mop up the floor, bump into me by accident, and somehow we’ll accidentally have sex.

undercover-boss-Subway-sandwich-artist(My future wife getting yelled at for farting on the olives)

The Unfriendly Subway Girl with the Nice Face:

 Personally I think this Subway girl has a pretty face. She’s less traditionally beautiful, something I respond well to. While the nice butt girl has a perfect Portuguese face with a nice tan and plucked eyebrows, this unfriendly girl is pale and looks a little insecure. She never smiles or anything. One time I made a joke about how the sandwiches are not really 12 inches. I think I mentioned that on my blog before. She defended Subway when I said it and we only saw each other one time after that again. Well, I saw her. I doubt she saw me. The bushes were high.

The Dunkin Donuts People:

The Dunkin Donuts down the street from me has a unique cast of people working there. Angry Black Guy is okay, friendly fat girl is a doll, round Mexican woman is average, and young Indian guy always seems polite. The only two people I dislike are the two guys whose nationalities are a mystery. I have a feeling they make fun of me. One looks like a tall midget and the other has a face that lets us know he was probably in a car accident. It’s only two or three blocks away so it’s the only Dunkin Donuts I can ever go to. The other one is really far. I would rather get laughed at in Arabic than have to walk an extra mile.

KENYA BOMBINGS LADEN(Sometimes it feels like they’re being as mean and Middle Eastern as this guy)

 The QuickChek People:

Quickchek is the place I go the most. Like Dunkin Donuts, it has many people. There is the Arab girl, the friendly fat guy, a lot of tall well-shouldered young Spanish men, a bunch more Spanish girls, guy with a mustache, and my favorite the attractive older Spanish woman with blonde hair. I probably have as much of a shot hooking up with this 45 year old Spanish woman as I do…okay maybe I do have a shot. She works at Quickchek. She might do things for money.

The Old Guy From Dominos:

I don’t go into Dominos ever, but I always see their geriatric delivery man wandering about. I always feel bad for the guy because he’s probably someone’s grandfather. He’s clearly 70 or not far from it and he looks miserable delivering pizzas. I really hope he was a white collar criminal, otherwise his life seems really sad because his coworkers are lesbians with weir tattoos and haircuts.

 mrburns(He does have a Mr. Burns thing about him other than the whole having money detail)

The Town Crazy Man:

Every town has that one crazy man. My hometown had a guy who would always sit on his porch talking to himself. This new town has this Spanish guy who rides a bike with a giant American flag and a boombox. Sometimes he plays good music too. I’ll see him at all times of the day. Morning, afternoon, and in the middle of the night he’ll be riding around blasting music. His only competition is the guy who stands in front of Quick Check with a giant crucifix. He’s a little less crazy because the second vampires attack he will be prepared with a defense.

The Crazy Old Lady:

I almost forgot about this one until I saw her almost get run over by the Town Crazy Man. The Crazy Old Lady first crossed paths with me one afternoon when she said “hello” and it sent shivers down my spine. She did it again and I was prepared. What’s terrible about her is that she literally looks dead. She’s incredibly pale and it’s just freaky to be around. I saw her litter the other day which totally turned me against her. It was great too because she was about to throw the trash in one place, but decided to throw it somewhere else. Somewhere a Native American is getting ready to hunt her down and scalp her already bald head.

I really need to clean up my favorites. More than that, I need to clean up my life. I should probably start with my favorites. Here are a few things I can delete from my online favorites.

INFJ Dating Bible: This was sent to me by some girl I went on a date with. She was obsessed with Jung and Briggs Myers personality tests. We discovered that we were both the rarest type, INFJ’s. Then she INFU’ed me and we stopped talking. The web page is all advice on how to treat an INFJ in a relationship. It says we’re fragile and need to be treated with care. Odd that she would send me this then crush the lump in my throat she gave me. I thought INFJ’s were nice to each other. The dating bible said they would be!

infj(Well that’s terribly depressing)

Several Craigslist Jobs: I actually have a job now so I can probably delete these, especially since the companies have most likely gone belly-up by now. One of the jobs is “Corporate Front Desk Receptionist.” Can you imagine me greeting people? Another job is for a Huffington Post Fellowship. I emailed them and they must have been INFJ’s because I never heard back.

An Article About Pablo Sandoval’s Weight: I originally saved this for my fantasy baseball related blog. You don’t have to read it. I just want to brag that it was actually on some list of the Top 50 baseball blogs by fans. This is all based on page views and I really don’t get that many page views. That’s pretty pathetic for whoever finished just behind me at number 43.

pablo sandoval eating(Pablo Sandoval eating breakfast)

Things About Query Literary Agents: I only sent out a small handful of queries to literary agents. I got frustrated because they all wanted something different so I stopped. I’m probably going to need to save a dying baby or be involved in a nationally known trial to ever get a book deal anyway. I think I would go to prison if it meant people would read about my life. It’s worth being a bitch.

This:

kids-dancing-hook(No relation to Pablo Sandoval)

Articles About Women Being Mean: I alternate between three or four friends complaining about women. Sometimes they will send me scientific backing to prove that the soul of a woman was created below. Is there really any doubt to it? INFJ girl said she would text me after she got done getting frozen yogurt and she ignored me for the rest of our lives!

Daily Exercises: I had no clue that these were saved in there. I think that tells you how often I do wall slides or morning hip opener stretches.

wall slide(What they fail to tell you is that you do this with a shirt on that it leaves a big stain on the white wall)

2013 Maxim’s Hottest Women: Part of this is understandable why I would want this handy (no pun intended) and the other half is for very important research. I’m kidding. There’s nothing safe about why this is on my favorites other than maybe a reference point.

Something Called “How To Prevent Groin Injuries”: I don’t remember reading this. I do have a slight groin pull. It could have something to do with the 2013 Maxim’s Hottest Women. Who knows? They’re pretty close to each other on my list of bookmarks.

What are some oddities on your online favorites?

Here’s another review of a movie I wrote for that website that never ended up existing. I’m trying to post this on weekends when fewer people are sitting at home reading blogs. I didn’t post one last weekend though and nobody seemed to notice or care. I only mention this so if you are sitting at home alone on the weekend you know you’re not the only person out there hated by society.

My review of Serpico

In an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the character Charlie Day dresses up like the character Frank Serpico, the title character from the film Serpico. I didn’t really understand the jokes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because I had never seen the film. I laughed anyway because sometimes that’s what you need to do when you realize you are an uncultured idiot.

serpicocolhead_02

Serpico is pretty much the start of Al Pacino behaving like an insane person on screen. If you go back and watch The Godfather you will see he is actually a pretty normal guy with a normal speaking voice. Scent of a Woman came along and now for some reason Pacino who was once a respected actor felt the need to yell rather than act. Yelling isn’t acting Mr. Pacino. If that were the case then the greatest actor of all-time is my grandpa whenever he saw a black person anywhere near his property.

Based on a true story, this film follows a New York police officer named Frank Serpico. Surprised? The name Serpico always made me think of the fake James Bond villain from The Simpsons, Hank Scorpio. Frank Serpico is much different. He’s an honest cop who gets tired of doing things the normal way, dirty. He begins to dress in street clothes and by that I mean like someone who lives on the street. He wears a poncho, a bucket hat, and he refuses to shave. In today’s world Serpico would be an ironic hipster who enjoys wearing clothes that completely clash with one another. Back then though he was trying to look like the average street dweller.

hipster(Do you know how many girls in their 20s this look would attract these days? Even if the hat looks like a lampshade, he looks jobless and girls dig it)

The story shows how one man tries to take down a corrupt system. The fact it’s based on actual events is what makes this film work. If this was simply a made-up idea then it would be complete crap. Frank Serpico is a great character with a lot of animation bother physically and verbally. Other than him there are no standouts which I believe must be true for a movie to entertain when it’s about a topic not near and dear to our hearts. Personally, police corruption is not something I really think about. It’s a world I will probably never enter, at least until I give up being a fan of extreme couponing.

Serpico is a film listed as a classic on Netflix. Indeed it is a classic, but do not confuse this with many of the other better classic films out there. For what it is, this is a fine film. The biggest problem is probably that it’s 40 years old. Do you know an actual person who is 40 years old? Think about how flawed they are at this point. I’m sure when they first came out they were pretty with it. At this point the haircuts look strange and the technology is not outdated. And as is the case with many 40 years olds, at times this many drags along a little too much.

serpico charlie(A scene from the episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because no actual clip could be found on YouTube. How? There was even a cat in the episode. Everything with a cat is on YouTube)

This film is not for action fans or people expecting to see Al Pacino shoot a lot of bad guys. Serpico is a true to life story about knowing the difference between right and wrong. If not for the subject matter, this film could have easily been Disney flick.