Here’s the review I wrote for that website that never ended up existing for the film The Illusionist, but not really because the movie was so bad I stopped paying attention.

Review of The Illusionist (but not really)

The Illusionist is a terrible movie with Ed Norton not as a modern-day person mixed up with the wrong people, Paul Giamatti not doing a funny enough voice, and Jessica Biel not wearing a bikini. Skip this movie and instead watch a much better movie about magicians, The Prestige.


You may have to actually venture out your door to get a copy of The Prestige, but trust me it’s worth it. In my opinion this is far superior to any of Christopher Nolan’s other films. The Batman movies take multiple viewings to understand and Inception takes multiple viewings, reading the script, reading numerous forums online, talking to the director, and then taking a wild guess what it means to fully comprehend. The Prestige is different and it still manages to fuck with your mind.

The Prestige takes place sometime when men pretend women have equal rights and there are no black people anywhere to be seen. I think it’s around 1900. Either way, it stars Christian Bale as Alfred Borden and Hugh Jackman as Robert Angier. They are magicians who work together until a fatal accident causes them to go their separate ways. It is because of this mistake the two go about exacting revenge on each other in both violent and show business ways. Yes, there’s a slight difference.

prestige(They were friends and then they weren’t. They’re like me and that kid who farted  me in 10th grade Spanish class)

Are you seriously not convinced how awesome this movie is yet? There’s magic, former friends attempting to ruin the other’s life, and magic. Oh, Scarlett Johansson is in it too. Not into chicks or the two stars Bale and Jackman? I see, you like androgynous people. You’re in luck. David Bowie plays legendary scientist Nikola Tesla. Take some time to clean the stain in the front of your pants you nerds. Change your underpants, and then continue reading.

ron swanson(David Bowie looks way too much like Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation here for me to ever take this movie seriously again)

Much of the film is told through diary entries as Borden and Angier steal each other’s magic journals trying to figure out how the other accomplishes their greatest tricks. There are plot twists out the wazoo. I think wazoo is Yiddish for vagina so you should want to see this movie even more.

The “present day” part of the film involved Borden on death row for killing Angier. This is not a spoiler as this is how the film starts. Told through flashbacks in a totally non-annoying way, we find out what looked obvious is not so.

Angier spends much of the film traveling to visit Tesla about a machine he has that can supposedly do “real magic.” While he’s off doing that and destroying any personal relationships he has with anyone, Borden is becoming a regular Criss Angel minus the me wanting to wake up and see “Criss Angel dead” on the top Yahoo searches. Both of their tricks involve making something disappear then reappear somewhere else. It’s called The Transported Man and may indeed be one of the greatest magic tricks ever.

scarlett(I had to include a picture of Scarlett Johansson somewhere)

The quote on the DVD case for this is “As soon as it’s over you’ll want to watch it again.” I’m not sure who said this quote as I leant the film to a friend who may or may not have traded it for drugs. I’ve watched it a few times already and would be willing to put more money into Christopher Nolan’s pockets by paying for a new copy. It’s just that good. I would be willing to buy two copies of it. I have never bought two of anything. It probably has something to do with growing up missing a leg.

Skip watching the incredibly boring film The Illusionist and instead watch The Prestige. It’s the newest movie I own which not only says how stubborn I am with movies, but also how great this one really is. Venture out from your caves and buy a copy as soon as you can. If you don’t like it then I honestly hope something bad happens to you today, tomorrow, not the next day so you think life is improving, and then something bad every day after that for the rest of your miserable bad taste in movie life.

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    The Prestige is one of the best movies ever.

  2. Seb says:

    The greatest illusion on show here is that Christopher Nolan makes interesting films, He makes the same film over and over again and relies in the blur created by mass fanboy wanking to obscure the fact that he is a tedious, obvious, one trick pony.

  3. WHen I saw the Illusionist, I actually didn’t think it was that bad… Don’t kill me. You raised my interest in The Prestige though. Like you wanted :).

  4. SingingTuna says:

    Oooo…”The Prestige” sounds intriguing. Well, not Bowie, necessarily. But the rest.
    I’ll look for it.
    Watched about 5 minutes of “The Illusionist” a while ago and shut it off to watch that guy on the Weather Channel who’s always being knocked over by high winds. Thank you for this info!!

  5. SingingTuna says:

    “…usually a dog sitting next to me or on my lap.” Seriously? That’s so cool!
    I’m glad it’s off to a good start.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks! The only pain is it takes a lot of walking to get there and I feel the pain in my hip real bad :-/

      • SingingTuna says:

        Ugh. Sorry about the pain. ((hugs))

      • SingingTuna says:

        How about if I take your mind off that: Want to be a critic? Go look at my most recent post (A-Rod). Let me know what you think. SERIOUSLY. I don’t want something up there that has no business being posted so if you say it’s stupid, I’ll take it down. I was just really irritated and typed it out…LOL
        (It’s very short, won’t take long)

  6. Lily says:

    Nice review! You know how I like my androgynous David Bowie. I remember when both The Illusionist and The Prestige came out. I saw them both and liked the Prestige more because of the twist at the end, but I liked the romantic parts of the Illusionist.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The twist in The Prestige is epic even though it seems so obvious after. They made it try to seem real complicated even though the solutions to everything were so simple. You should read the book then blog about it.

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