Over the course of a person’s lifetime they are said to meet an average of 17 people. I’m pretty popular so I have met a lot more people than that. The thing is, a lot of people kind of blend together and are more background characters than anything else. They are folks who I only remember one or two things about. These are their standout moments from my perspective, mostly the one or two things I remember about them.

-There was this person I knew who would watch Comedy Central then repeat the Dane Cook jokes he heard in class. People thought he was cool. He was wealthy and seemed to have everything going for him. Then he told a girl he liked that he liked her and she told him he wasn’t in good enough shape for her. Now she’s really fat and I hope he’s dead.

-There was this person I knew who one time during a school play fainted in the middle of it and fell about five feet. It was epic and a lot of people still remember it.

-There was this person I knew who while on our sixth grade orientation he had a box of munchkins to celebrate his birthday. He tripped while holding them and I said “Everyone is going to call you the Donut Kid in middle school now.” Nobody ever did because I was the cruelest girl in school.

not-another-teen-movie-mia-kirshner-as-catherine(Me in high school, basically)

-There was this person I knew who I heard accidentally pooped on a guy’s face during cunnilingus. It was a very well-known story and probably true because people are disgusting.

-There was this person I knew who would draw pictures of our English teacher giving him oral sex in class. She was about 60 years old. He was 14.

harold(It was like this only more nudity and a crooked erection. I don’t mean crooked like it was taking bribes from government officials either)

-There was this person I knew who told me that unprotected sex was the only way to have sex. She offered to have sex with me. I said no. A month later she told me she had HPV and she probably died.

-There were these people I knew who said we would be good friends forever. No clue what happened to them.

Ozzy_Smith(Somewhere in the unknown with Ozzie Smith perhaps?)

-There was this person I knew whose elbow I touched and she told all of her friends how much she liked it. We made plans to get coffee together and then she deleted me off of Facebook. I kind of hope she did it so I didn’t have to find out about her suicide.

-There was this person I knew who was a complete dick. That doesn’t really narrow it down.

-There was this person I knew who made fun of me in high school. Then he raped a child and got put in prison.

TOM+CRUISE+TOP+GUN+1980S(It wasn’t this guy although he also went to prison for raping a kid. I know way too many pedophiles and rapists)

-There was this person I knew who would never say “haha” or “lol” online to anything. It annoyed me greatly.

-There was this person I knew whose house always smelled like cat piss. He did not own a cat.

battle royale(He also recently bought this)

-There was this person I knew who fell asleep drinking a soda. I was at his house so I just left and took my DVDs I had lent him with me and we never spoke again. Death?

-There was this person I knew who would follow this girl he liked around. He would even drive her and her boyfriends places. He still does it. He never learns.

-There was this person I knew who told me how awesome I was and it wasn’t a lie. But this is a lie. I’m making them up.

-There was this boy who had so much hope for the future and then he met a lot of shitty people. Now he blogs about them.

*Note: I make too many TV/Movie references

  1. Some of your best work ever… by which I mean I almost threw up in my mouth more times than ever before…

  2. The Waiting says:

    I died at the cat one. So good.

  3. I’m saving my remaining people for when I have more money. You’ll always meet better people when you’re rich, because rich people are always better.

  4. neonspndx says:

    hahahah. Now there’s the optimism I love!!!

  5. Jeeze, can one’s life be any more exciting? I feel sorry for that last boy though. You know life’s been ahrd on you when you start blogging ;).

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