I began applying for a couple of jobs recently. The great thing about applying for jobs is you get to find out you’re a complete piece of shit who barely deserves to live. Maybe great isn’t the word. I found one job that seemed so perfect. I met all of the qualifications and it paid well. All I had to do was send them my resume and wait. I thought I was lucky when six hours later I got a phone call back. Things were really looking up for me. And that’s when I realized I was being bamboozled.
“If it sounds too good to be true it probably is” is something I live my life by. Some people are lucky and they don’t have to do anything. Other people pour their hearts into things and still have nothing to show for it. When this job called me back I didn’t think much of it. I thought maybe I had gotten lucky for once. They saw that I was great at Excel and a fantastic multitasker and assumed there would be no one else out there better than me. Of course there are people out there better than me. In fact, there are a lot of people out there better than me. I would name them, but most are fictional characters or too busy sleeping with supermodels to care.
When I answered the phone the lady asked me if I had any questions about the job. I did. What’s the company name? I didn’t ask that though. I didn’t think to. Instead I put on my stuttering charm. My stuttering charm is what I use when I’m on the phone. I am phone phobic and the only way over it is to be very Hugh Grant on the phone. I will stammer and say exactly what I’m thinking. For instance, my energy computer called me to do a survey and asked how likely I would on a scale of 1-10 to recommend the energy service to a friend. I said, “I would never recommend an energy service to a friend, that’s not something we would talk about at any point ever.” The woman didn’t appreciate my honesty very much.
I asked the job woman what I have to do next. She reminded me of the qualifications, which were pretty much be able to breathe, and then told me everything I need to bring. I need to bring two forms of identifications as well as submit to a drug test. For the drug test I would have to pay $75 that would go toward that and an extensive background check. This was when I first began growing a little weary. I continued anyway because $75 can quickly be made again by sleeping with a widow. Not that I have ever prostituted myself out. I’m really not good-looking enough for that.
The woman told me I was setup for the interview the following day at 10am. She gave me the address and the information and everything seemed all set up. She told me to ask for Ms. Shelton and that they would tell me if I was qualified for the job or not. If I was not qualified for the job then I would not have to pay the $75. Ahh-okay. That sounds fair?
As soon as I hung-up the phone I was excited to be making around $20 an hour doing something a monkey with a hammer could do. I decided to look up the address online only to find the first three results popped up with websites like “scamjob” or “shitfaceemployers” in the URL. I read through and found this company’s address on one of them with similar stories to what happened to me. Nobody of course could really confirm that this was a scam company, but all fingers pointed at it being one.
I googled some more and found one person who actually worked for the company. He said that he was accepted and his job ended up being someone on the phone trying to trick other people into paying money to the company. They don’t just stop at $75. They then charge you for uniform and different trainings. The poster said he quit after three days because his job was essentially to be the woman I talked to on the phone, a cunt.
Upset that this potential nose-picking job was nothing more than people taking advantage of each other, I decided it was best not to even bother going to the interview. I thought about going dressed in normal clothes and acting very unqualified just to see what they would do. I didn’t though because that would require waking up early. Yuck.
The next morning I woke up and had a missed call. It was from Ms. Shelton, the person I was supposed to meet. She was very nice and told me I missed the interview and to call her back. This secured my suspicions. Why would a job ever call you and leave a nice message if you didn’t show up for your appointment? I debated calling back and saying something like “he found out this job was a fake and killed himself” but then I thought that would give them even more reason to try stealing my identity.
To be a dick and hope that I can save someone else some hassle, the address for these assholes is 313 W 37th Street 6th Floor in New York. My good deed for the day is done.
P.S. I ended up getting a real job like a week later. I’ll talk about that more later on once I’m confident I won’t get fired for picking my nose. I have only been there three weeks and it’s not bad, but you don’t care.
P.P.S. And look, I can post a relative to this piece article to something I wrote on Yahoo. I swear this is actually really good: Top Ten Job Interview Tips For Absolute Success