This week for the “Back in the Day” thing started by Emily and Ashley, the “we grew up and remember all of the 90s” name duo, we are supposed to write about whatever we want that has anything to do with the back in the day theme. While some people are going to be writing about their first day at school or the time they burnt their private parts in a welding accident, I am going to do a short list of things from back in the day that I either miss or were better then. This is sometimes referred to as being a blowhard. Take for instance your uncle who is always complaining about the new age of consent laws. He would be a blowhard because he likes the way things used to be.
-Remember when the only thing men used to carry around were top hats and walking sticks? What about when we used to make fun of men with purses, manbags, or murses? I can excuse women for carrying around a lot of items because I read a science book that said due to our modern diets vaginas have gotten larger and that probably means feminine pads have doubled in size. I’m tired of walking down the street and bumping into all of these men with their dumb bags. What does a man even carry in them? If it can’t fit in your pocket then you don’t need it.
-Remember when being a crazy bitch was a bad thing? Then Buckcherry came along and gave crazy bitches everywhere an anthem. I remember girls in high school or immediate post-high school hearing Crazy Bitch playing and saying the song was about them. Is that supposed to be flattering? Crazy is not sexy. Crazy is frightening and there’s medicine for that now called shutting your mouth or else you will get punched. We used to tie rocks to crazy bitches then throw them in a lake to see if they would float or not. They never did. Stop embracing the trouble you cause.
-Remember when ESPN was good and necessary? The Internet makes ESPN pointless. You can look up any score faster than it takes for it to come across the bottom of the screen. 90% of the people who work for ESPN are pretty lousy anyway with the exception of a few attractive women with lesbian haircuts. National sports reporting has become so bad at this point that it’s unwatchable in my opinion and my opinion is right because I’m me.
-Remember when money didn’t matter and the only thing that prevented you from getting new things was the guilt your parents gave you because you assumed your family couldn’t afford nice things? I hope this isn’t just me.
-Remember when you would go a whole summer without talking to certain people? Like you would have no clue what was going on with your friends until school started again. I miss this. I miss seeing who got fat over the summer, whose voice changed, and who mysteriously left our lives without a trace. It’s too easy to keep in touch with people. I just sneezed while writing this and someone I haven’t talked to in two years Facebook messaged me “Bless you.”
-Remember when we used to be young and get sweaty and it wasn’t gross? I would get sweaty every day and didn’t think anything of it. Now I get a little sweat on my brow and I need to grab a paper towel or a stranger’s should while he’s turned to wipe it off.
What’s something you miss or could have been added to this inconsistent bullet pointed list?