crushed

I had my hopes crushed again this year. For the third year running I entered a sitcom writing contest and was not selected as a finalist. I mean, I must suck, right? There is no other explanation. As I do with every contest I lose, and yes nobody won I just lost, I am making up horrible plot lines for these sitcom scripts that made it to the finals based on only their titles.

Alice, Wonderland

An English professor tries to replace the word “in” with commas to save himself time during his busy schedule. An uprising occurs as to whether or not the public will accept this new abbreviation.

Black Sheep

Scenes from the Chris Farley comedy of the same name and the horror film about sheep in Scotland killing people are spliced together each week to make up an original program.

Bros

A comedy about the life of the Menendez Brothers. We open to a shot of them both getting molested with a tennis racket.

Chimney Creek

In the small town of Chimney Creek, Arkansas lives a woman with a demonic possession. She shits everywhere and takes the Lord’s name in vain. Stars Marlee Matlin as the demonically possessed woman.

Creatives

Art student Josie Poontang and street magician Lyle Toilet open up a shop in midtown Cheyenne, Wyoming to allow creative people to come and join them each week. In the second episode Josie dies and becomes a ghost with a chain-smoking problem.

D-1

Sandra Oliver has a big chest. Then she gets cancer and has to have one removed. Now she is down to one D-Cup breast.

Evil Blond Kid

Dennis the Menace.

Ex-Communication

A fictitious version of the last days of Napoleon Bonaparte and how he spent them chasing broads and not being able to reach high things. Alternate title, “The Small Dicked Frenchman.”

The Good Samaritan’s Club

A comedy about the gang violence between The Good Samaritan’s Club and the more popular First Wive’s Club. Receives the first NC-17 rating for a television show because of how violent it is and how they kill animals each week, for real.

Hot Fail

Internet bloopers show about people accidentally falling into volcanoes.

Julie #2

After a miscarriage, thought to be mother Janice Spredlegs gets pregnant again, this time by her father! They name the child after the baby they lost, but to differentiate between the two during conversation, they add the #2 to the end.

The Manifest

Pilgrim Peter Washington is the first gay pilgrim. He wants to start a “Man Fest” but due to his speech impediment he starts a manifest, whatever that is.

Match Pointe

Tennis legend Eric Von Beerdrinker is down on his luck and just find out he his ex-wife has given him HIV. He sets out to systematically destroy her life throughout the series, with many humorous roadblocks along the way.

Park Life

The chronicles of five hobos, one of whom lies about being a war veteran, and all of the places they urinate in the park.

Peace

In a world without conflict, nothing happens and everyone kills themselves because they are so bored. The series begins when nobody is no longer around and nothing continues to happen.

The Pool

Con-artist Nicholas Obama is jealous of his brother, fictional character and United States President Larack’s success. He decides to became a pool lifeguard. The only problem is he’s black and has to face a lot of prejudice along the way.

Power Moms

It’s Power Rangers, but with mothers. At the end of each episode they form a human pyramid then their backs hurt so they stop.

Reject – A Recruiting Comedy

Nothing funny ever happens because you shouldn’t put “comedy” in the title of a comedy. It’s like people who have “funny” in their Twitter name. No you’re not.

Rom.com

A website for Roman sex slave trafficking opens up. The only person who can stop it is bumbling detective and former NFL quarterback, Zed Pill. Along with his trusted sidekick and former teammate and Native American and gay lover Ike Runs With Bear, they try to stop it.

Rumspringa

Amish kids go on Rumspringa. The show is great until it gets old and we realize there are too many shows about the Amish already.

Third and a Mile

Buddies Billy, Niles, and Wesley love going out and picking up girls then sharing them. Wesley is always the third one to bang the girl. The problem is, he always finds himself a mile away! Can he get there in time before she sobers up?

We’re Not Your Parents

A school of abusive teachers hit and punish children emotionally and physically while reminding the children they have no need to be nice to them, they are not their parents.

What Goes Up…

The first show about astronauts. In the first season finale we get a comedic look at the Challenger explosion and the impatient workers who had to clean up the mess all in the name of science.

Works in Progress

Each week the show is presented in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” format. Will you enter the cave or will you stay at home and get fatter? Find out never!

Yellow Pine Pride

A gang of public urinators are recruited by the government to stop public poopers because pooping in public is worse than peeing. It takes place somewhere in the Northwest, hence the “pine” part. Actor Chris Pine is also in it. He’s known for having urine that smells like Pinesol as well. His character, not the guy.

Comments
  1. joehoover says:

    Brilliant, I would figure your ideas are much better than how they actually pan out. I should put forward my sitcom “Homeless Where the Heart Is”

  2. I told you to stop wasting time having hopes.

  3. Lily says:

    These are so creative. You should still keep your ideas because you never know when you could use them. I mean, you’ll probably end up using them to help your child write a creative story for school, but still. You could work with any of them.

  4. I feel sorry for you, but it doesn’t kil your creativity, does it?

  5. The Waiting says:

    Creatives sounds like something you should pitch to David Lynch. ;D

  6. julesagray says:

    Did you go to an Ivy League school? NO? that’s why you lost. True story.

  7. Addie says:

    I can see the problem with ‘Creatives’ and ‘Ex-Communication’, which, if addressed, may make it into the winning circle.

    Creatives–The setting. There is no one creative in Chyenne. In fact, there is no one creative in Whyoming, aside from Annie Proulx, and she doesn’t count because she’s from CT and travels quite a bit.

    Ex-Communication–Napolean was Corsican, not French. Otherwise, all is good.

    • Mooselicker says:

      There’s always next year. 365 days from now I can get told I suck again by Fox. After meeting the people who enter these contests last month, I’m a little glad I didn’t win.

  8. Have I said here before that I like this tradition? Well I do. I never liked you losing though, but it’s inevitable in the process before you get that gold ticket (that’s the idealist me talking). What was the title of your story? Creatives spiked my interest, Evil Blond Kid should never be a title, Power Moms made the chili sauce reach my nose, Peace kills me, and I think a funeral should take place in Reject.

    You sort of remind me of Hemingway.

    • Mooselicker says:

      My title was “My Name Means Awful” Maybe I should have changed it to “This Script is Awful” I bet the person who read it said that. This would have been the theme song:

      I hope you don’t mean the end of Hemingway’s life. You know, when he ate a bullet.

  9. Luddy's Lens says:

    Oh, nice to see Marlee Matlin working again. Is this where Chimney Dildo made their debut?

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