Today is somebody special’s birthday. I’m not sure who. I just figure there has to be someone out there who did something special who is celebrating/crying on their birthday, today. This year has been a big one for birthdays. I have gone to two birthday celebrations for two different people. Here are some memories I have from birthday parties in the past, mine and ones belonging to others.

-One year a friend of mine had a birthday party in his backyard. I remember seeing him crying and I felt bad because it was his birthday. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mom wouldn’t let him go inside. I asked him if it was because his house was messy and that if it was because his house was messy that my house was messy too so I understood. He said it had nothing to do with a messy house. And then it was out in the open, I lived in a shitty house.

Lego house(My childhood home was nowhere near this cool)

-In second grade I broke my leg. Some kid I wasn’t friends with named Sean Dunn was actually really nice and helpful when it came to getting me around the school so I felt obligated to invite him to my party. The celebration was held at a Discovery Zone type place called either Exploration or Romp-Around. I can’t remember, there were a lot of places with ball pits in the 1990s. When he got to my party he was a big asshole and my parents were glad I was only friends with him out of guilt.

-Sportsland was a poorly titled place I spent one birthday party at. All I remember doing there was crawling through things, kind of like the only thing I remember about drunk sex. I was afraid to slide down this one really tall fireman pole. The birthday boy’s older brother caught me on my way down. Another kid there kept telling me how brave I was and even compared me to Conan the Barbarian.

conan-the-barbarian-arnold-schwarzenegger-movie-image(Me as a 10-year-old)

-One year my parents told me I could either have a birthday party or get extra presents. I chose presents and suddenly a lifetime of being a hermit began.

-Lucas McGuire had a bowling party one year. My dad got me there an hour early and we played arcade games until everyone got there. That was the same day I discovered that one arcade shooting game requires you to shoot the bad guys in the feet to kill them. I thought that was stupid. The bad moment of this party came when both I and Michael Barbera got Lucas McGuire a Scarecrow from Batman: The Animated Series action figure. Everyone laughed and my present was probably destroyed.

scarecrow(Unopened so at least it still has its original value of $4)

-I was only ever invited to one female birthday party when I was younger. I don’t remember much except one of her presents was this pink furry thing that a Vegas Showgirl would wear. After she opened it she began dancing. It was uncomfortable.

hot-pink-and-fluffy(Holy shit this is exactly how she looked to me. I’m pretty sure this is John Travolta. This pilot hat gives it away)

-Possibly the last birthday party I got invited to as a kid was in sixth grade. I have no clue why I was invited to this because everyone there was a cool kid. I guess Kevin Donahue thought I was cooler than I was. We played the game Manhunt in the dark and I was so good at it that everybody forgot about it. I hid for close to a half hour before making my move. I ran toward the jail then shouted for my team to tag my hand. They all jumped out of the back of the truck, got tagged again, and I was tagged too. So we all went to prison. The first kid I tagged is also dead now.

-I went to one birthday party where the birthday boy suggested we play a game of kickball. When we got to the field he said he was tired and would be the umpire. He sat down the entire time too while his friends played kickball. It was pathetic.

-Last year on my birthday I ate an entire pizza. Treat yourself, right?

-One year for my younger sister’s birthday we went as a family to the Liberty Science Center. It’s basically the coolest museum ever, maybe only second to the Franklin Institute. It was awkward because my parents weren’t talking at the time and everyone had to pretend this was normal behavior for adults.

 balls(“She likes when I touch my balls” – creepy man in flip flops)

-The same kid who had the Sportsland birthday party had another one at his house. Or maybe it was the same year. Anyway, I remember everybody going outside and looking across the street at a kid who wasn’t invited. The uninvited kid was spending his afternoon getting chased by his dad with a lawnmower.

-A friend of mine had a pool party one year. For some reason another kid decided to kick me in the testicles while in the pool. The birthday boy’s mom yelled at him for kicking my scrotum. The mom was also really hot and wore a bikini so like, awesome.

 pool-party(This picture doesn’t really match up with anything, but it’s beautiful)

-There was this kid who lived a few houses down from me that my mom tried to make me be friends with. I went to his birthday party while wearing my Godzilla shirt. I remember during the piñata breaking an adult said “Stand back! This kid is good at baseball.” It got to my head and I completely missed. I think some swimming was involved. He was another kid with a hot family member, this one being his sister. His mom was atrocious so maybe I dodged a bullet…as if I had a chance.

I’m sure I went to many other birthday parties. The best ones are the ones when you’re really young though and only small details stick with you. When you’re older it’s more of a reunion thing where you get drunk and talk about who has died or is gay now. So I guess I need to thank the dead and gay people for giving birthday parties of today more meaning.

  1. Lauri says:

    You completely crack me up. I just have nothing witty to say in return. 🙂

  2. That was worth learning about you just to see the cat picture.. ha!

  3. rossmurray1 says:

    These anecdotes are pretty cool as individuals, but can you imagine if they all took place at a single birthday party? WAUAAGHHHHH!

  4. Addie says:

    When my brother was seven, my Mother planned a big party for him that included using our new pool and then cake and ice cream followed by the neighborhood kids all going to see a Disney film. He developed a migraine and grew up and had to go to bed, while the rest of us had cake and ice cream and the movie.

    Best party ever.

  5. Addie says:

    Threw up. Darn fingers.

  6. You have such a scary childhood, hahahaha. That girl in the pink shawl-y thing. Goosebumps!

    What size was this pizza you are talking about?

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Birthdays suck. I just say I hatched.

  8. Lily says:

    You went to some very colorful birthday parties. This was a really funny post. I lot of the jokes were subtle and made me smile. I shouldn’t have smiled about the dead guy that you tagged, but that was a good memory.

    I can’t remember any birthdays that I went to. I usually have a good memory for stuff like that but I must have blocked them out.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Maybe you didn’t get invited to any birthdays? Is that possible???? Was I cooler than you?

      Don’t feel bad about the dead kid I tagged. He lost us the game of manhunt. He sucks.

  9. Laura4NYC says:

    hah, giving the same present another kid has – a kid’s worst nightmare!

  10. at a party of mine when i was younger we had 3 legged races, potatoe sack races, racing with an egg in a spoon, etc and who lost got a pie in thier face (pie tin filled with whipped cream) its was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much fun, then u can just hose off outside!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I went to a few parties like that. One time we played “silent ball” and then a kid threw it really hard at me and I said “Ouch!” then was eliminated. Getting hosed off is always fun. It means you did something crazy!!!

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