The Three Funniest Moments

Posted: August 29, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I have been trying to come up with the three funniest moments list for a while now and I finally have done it! Making a list of the funniest thing I have ever done or said is easy. I mean, is there anyone on earth funnier than me? Remember, astronaut and funny man Pavel Vinogradov is currently residing on the space station so I have one less competitor. This brief list I have made are funny things other people have said on purpose that always make me laugh.

vinogradov_pavel(I swear he’s funny)

At one of my birthday parties I had the option to have the mascot show up or not. I love mascots. This mascot was a seal in a sailor seat named Sammy. The party was being held at some place with ball pits and other things strangers can throw snakes into. Time for cake arrived and then it was the presents. While opening presents, Sammy entered. My face lit up with delight. I was meeting a hero.

It took only a few seconds for the room filled with mostly 9-10 year old boys to turn on Sammy. They began to boo. I think someone even threw something at him. I felt terrible so I got up and ran to him then gave him a hug. I know now I was probably hugging some 15 year old guy with a shitty job, but back then it meant more. The adults gave a collective “Aww.” The few females and possibly a gay male ran up to Sammy too. In the midst of it all, my friend Little Danny said one of the funniest things ever–

“Throw Sammy overboard!” shouted Little Danny. At the time I’m not sure what I thought about his demand. Now though it is hilarious. The kid was so clever with his wording. A simpler kid would have said “Kill Sammy!” but Little Danny stuck with the situation. For something like that to come out of such a young child’s mouth, it’s a shame the last time I ever saw him was at the movie theater during Snakes on a Plane.

natalie wood(She might not be Sammy, but I doubt Little Danny would have any problem with Natalie Wood getting thrown overboard)

The next funniest quote comes from my mom. We were watching the news one evening when a story came on about some high school kid who died. Reporters interviewed friends, teachers, and then they got to an interview with the principal. Everything was incredibly sad and they really made the kid seem like a saint. Then the principal spoke–

“He [the dead kid] had so many hopes and dreams. He wanted to be a professional skateboarder. Skateboarding was that kid’s life.”

My mom literally stood up after hearing that and as she walked away she cackled then said, “A professional skateboarder? What a loss.”

She said it so sarcastically and so mean-spirited. Here these people were crying and my mom was the only one to have enough sense to point out this kid would contribute nothing to society, nor did he ever plan to. Brutal honesty can hurt as much as it can make me laugh.

 rowan-skateboard-fail-british-museum-1(The kid didn’t die while skateboarding so this is like a picture that just confuses the readers)

The final funny quote is the simplest. I went with three friends to a haunted hayride extravaganza. Do they have haunted hayrides all over the country? For some reason I always got a sense it was a New Jersey/Pennsylvania thing. Basically they’re like haunted houses but you ride tractors and teenagers in masks will hop on it and scare you. This particular extravaganza had a bunch of different places to walk and ride through. Ugh I’m making this boring.

As we walked toward the entrance a kid around 12 walked to us. We were 17 at the time so we probably looked pretty damn cool.

“The haunted hayride is really scary,” said the 12-year-old.

Then came my friend’s perfectly delivered, no-nonsense, don’t give a shit quote–

“Fuck you kid.”

Three simple words. The kid had no clue it was coming either. All he did was tell us to expect to get our money’s worth and my shithead friend had to be incredibly nasty for no reason at all. The young kid stopped and went pale. Joy left his face completely. I laughed wildly. It was too perfect and unnecessary. The kid probably never again spoke to a stranger.

Hayride_-Victims(2,098,006 bonus points if you can tell me what I wanted the caption to this to be about, but then realized this is probably a school trip and it’s not weird for a random black kid to be with all of these boring white people)

Violence, unsympathetic quips, and unnecessary insults are what make up the funniest quotes I have heard people say on purpose. What about you? What is something someone else has said that always makes you laugh?

  1. This post set women and seals back 1000 years.

  2. The Waiting says:

    I can’t come up with the caption because I don’t have your mind, but I’m sure it was really funny/very inappropriate.

    One of my favorite quotes came from this kid who Ben and I both taught at different times in Korea. His English name was Joe and he was insanely smart and likely also had Aspergers because he was crazily smart but really spastic too. There was this other kid in the class whose English name was Tree (I KNOW), and he and Joe were friends but they were always fighting over stupid kid crap. Eventually, Tree left the class because his mom was a big hippy and thought that there was too much homework (which there was, but that’s besides the point), but he still went to art lessons with Joe. So one day weeks after Tree left the class, Ben asked Joe how Tree was doing and he answered, “Tree was my friend, but now THAT’S over!!!! I’m gonna make him walk the plank!” So awesome.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The caption was more just pointing out how it made no sense to see all of those white people and one black child.

      Haha I love when kids say things that they clearly heard from a movie. I was like that a lot when I was younger. The only thing better would have been if he made a reference to the fact the kid’s name was tree, like saying he was going to “chop him down.”

  3. Oh I know what the caption to that is. See that girl front right with her nose upturned? Yeah. And no wonder you turned up so evil. You grew up with hilarious evil people surrounding you.

    The two things that come to mind are dipped in heavy Filipino context that I can’t translate without it being unfunny. Let’s just say that one kid kept accidentally calling the canteen woman in grade school “Lord” (as in Lord Jesus). Fucking religious prick.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Man you really hate certain smells haha

      Canteen woman? Like you had someone going around with a canteen to quench your thirsts? The closest we had to that was other kids selling milk.

  4. Seb says:

    A my funniest moment quote – One night, back when, I was hanging out with a bunch of no count friends and some girls with low self esteem and we were pretty much baked and watching “The Shining” in the dark. So, up comes the scene where ol’ Jack jumps out and cuts Scatman Crothers in half with an ax, you know the bit, and all the girls scream and everyone freaks out for a few seconds and one voice drifts up from the back –

    “Oh man, they killed Hong Kong Fooey. Bummer!”

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    Haunted hayrides are so much fun. A gasp and oh my god what was that? Said in the right tone, is priceless.

  6. Lauri says:

    You are definitely funny. Captions/no captions, it doesn’t matter.

    I work in a Microbiology lab (and all over the general lab, too…oops…making this boring *snicker*)

    There are some tests we can only do on liquid stool. Yes, stool as in feces. Sorry, this is my “funny” story that comes to mind.
    Nurses are always sending down stool specimens that are just (suffice it to say) not liquid.

    The Micro supervisor comes in with a specimen in a cup in each hand. She holds the first one up and then the second one, and triumphantly declares:

    “This is not diarrhea. THIS is diarrhea.”

    What struck me so funny is the fact that not very many people would hear someone say that at their place of work.

  7. Lily says:

    I’m glad you think the skateboarding picture is confusing and not the Natalie Wood picture.
    Those are pretty funny moments. I still laugh about our convo about a certain WP’er and you’re response: “Yeah fuck you dude.” That made me laugh a lot. I hope you know what I’m talking about. As for funny moments…I can’t think of many off the top of my head that aren’t kind of inside joke type things. Or they involve long explanations. Oh well.

    • Mooselicker says:

      How is the Natalie Wood picture not confusing? She fell overboard as Little Danny suggested Sammy do.

      I’m actually not quite sure which WP’er it is. We hate way too many of them. Fortunately none actually commented on this string and none ever really comment on any of my stuff. You and your long explanations. I’m sure you have one great line somewhere in your mind.

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