Sometime in mid-July I had a really bad back cyst pop up. Maybe this was even closer to the beginning of July. I don’t exactly track my back cysts like a slutty girl tracks her periods to make sure she’s not pregnant or menopausing early. At first I thought this was nothing more than a mega-pimple because I had a pimple in that spot for a while already. The position of this cyst was in the one place on my back I couldn’t possibly latch onto and pop so that’s why I let what I thought was a pimple just sit there instead of popping it early on. At one point I noticed the object growing and soon after I would enter some kind of hell.
I forget what happened that week, but it was a particularly bad one. I wasn’t getting any replies from any jobs I applied for and having nothing planned for the rest of my life was starting to get to me. Then this cyst came along and not only did it grow, it became tender and painful. I tried to pop it and got a little bit of the puss out. If you have ever dealt with a cyst you will know it smells terrible. It’s like farting into the mouth of someone with bad breath then having them suck on your nose. Why you would ever do this is a mystery to me, but I try not to judge.
Clearly I was not going to be able to get all of the puss out so I looked for other solutions online like I should have in the first place. It was then that I realized I was definitely dealing with a cyst and not a simple pimple. I discovered quickly that the worst thing you can do for a cyst is pop it because this can lead to an infection and cause the thing to grow even larger when it comes back for vengeance. The two best remedies I found online were to put ice on it to reduce swelling and to compress a hot wash cloth on it to get the cyst to drain. It’s like how they tell you to always be nice to women but how women only respond to you when you’re mean to them but when you are too mean they say they wish you were nicer. It was very confusing advice.
I spent about 4 days lying in bed trying to treat my cyst which at this point became so painful that when a shirt touched it I would start crying. At first I tried icing it and got no results so I switched to the heated wash cloth. I would lie on this hot wash cloth while watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix partly wishing I would die and partly thinking I already had. A little red bump on a back should not get this out of hand and be this painful.
A new week began and the cyst was still there, bigger and redder than before. Then things turned around completely. I finally got called in for a job interview. After stuttering through the brief interview process and bringing nothing to the table, I was asked to come back later in the week where I was given an immediate promotion that included more hours, my own office, and higher pay. The only downside is I think a few of my coworkers may hate me because part of the job is going on Facebook. I shouldn’t care though because having people hate you isn’t nearly as bad as having a painful back cyst.
As soon as I was hired I noticed something happen to my back cyst. It was draining on its own and after two weeks all signs of it were gone. The pain went away and my back has returned to looking like a normal 40 year old man’s back. I think I know the moment it began too. I leaned against something on the train and felt an incredibly pain in my back then a peace. It was better than my first orgasm because this didn’t involve apologizing to my grandma for ruining her sweater.
So where am I now? My back cyst is gone and I have a job I kind of like. I mean, I haven’t been there all too long and I still have the chance to hate it, but for now it’s nice. The only downside so far is that I have less time to do things I really enjoy doing and I’m exhausted all of the time. I slept 12 hours the Friday night after my first full week. I am getting more exercise though as I have to walk about three miles total each day I work so this is an excuse to eat more.
The best part about the job though is that I get to be around dogs. I’m not around them as much the other people there, but they do occasionally come into the office to hang out with me.
This isn’t what I would like to do for the rest of my life, but for now it’s pretty darn good. Then again, this might just be post-back cyst pleasure talking.