Sometime in mid-July I had a really bad back cyst pop up. Maybe this was even closer to the beginning of July. I don’t exactly track my back cysts like a slutty girl tracks her periods to make sure she’s not pregnant or menopausing early. At first I thought this was nothing more than a mega-pimple because I had a pimple in that spot for a while already. The position of this cyst was in the one place on my back I couldn’t possibly latch onto and pop so that’s why I let what I thought was a pimple just sit there instead of popping it early on. At one point I noticed the object growing and soon after I would enter some kind of hell.

I forget what happened that week, but it was a particularly bad one. I wasn’t getting any replies from any jobs I applied for and having nothing planned for the rest of my life was starting to get to me. Then this cyst came along and not only did it grow, it became tender and painful. I tried to pop it and got a little bit of the puss out. If you have ever dealt with a cyst you will know it smells terrible. It’s like farting into the mouth of someone with bad breath then having them suck on your nose. Why you would ever do this is a mystery to me, but I try not to judge.

Clearly I was not going to be able to get all of the puss out so I looked for other solutions online like I should have in the first place. It was then that I realized I was definitely dealing with a cyst and not a simple pimple. I discovered quickly that the worst thing you can do for a cyst is pop it because this can lead to an infection and cause the thing to grow even larger when it comes back for vengeance. The two best remedies I found online were to put ice on it to reduce swelling and to compress a hot wash cloth on it to get the cyst to drain. It’s like how they tell you to always be nice to women but how women only respond to you when you’re mean to them but when you are too mean they say they wish you were nicer. It was very confusing advice.

Happy Woman in Meadow(“He told me to go fuck myself. I’m so in love.” – a confusing woman)

I spent about 4 days lying in bed trying to treat my cyst which at this point became so painful that when a shirt touched it I would start crying. At first I tried icing it and got no results so I switched to the heated wash cloth. I would lie on this hot wash cloth while watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix partly wishing I would die and partly thinking I already had. A little red bump on a back should not get this out of hand and be this painful.

A new week began and the cyst was still there, bigger and redder than before. Then things turned around completely. I finally got called in for a job interview. After stuttering through the brief interview process and bringing nothing to the table, I was asked to come back later in the week where I was given an immediate promotion that included more hours, my own office, and higher pay. The only downside is I think a few of my coworkers may hate me because part of the job is going on Facebook. I shouldn’t care though because having people hate you isn’t nearly as bad as having a painful back cyst.

As soon as I was hired I noticed something happen to my back cyst. It was draining on its own and after two weeks all signs of it were gone. The pain went away and my back has returned to looking like a normal 40 year old man’s back. I think I know the moment it began too. I leaned against something on the train and felt an incredibly pain in my back then a peace. It was better than my first orgasm because this didn’t involve apologizing to my grandma for ruining her sweater.

 grandma(And yet she still wears the sweater…)

So where am I now? My back cyst is gone and I have a job I kind of like. I mean, I haven’t been there all too long and I still have the chance to hate it, but for now it’s nice. The only downside so far is that I have less time to do things I really enjoy doing and I’m exhausted all of the time. I slept 12 hours the Friday night after my first full week. I am getting more exercise though as I have to walk about three miles total each day I work so this is an excuse to eat more.

The best part about the job though is that I get to be around dogs. I’m not around them as much the other people there, but they do occasionally come into the office to hang out with me.












This isn’t what I would like to do for the rest of my life, but for now it’s pretty darn good. Then again, this might just be post-back cyst pleasure talking.

  1. Lauri says:

    Gah! Ow! Those cysts hurt like hell! My hubby had one and I got to be the one to bust it open with a scalpel blade. He waited until it was good and ripe. My god, the hole it left……smaller than a golf ball, but not by much.

    Love love LOVE the doggies! And being on Facebook for work. Nothing wrong with that. Such great pics! 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m still young so I think my body responds better to all injuries. However, I think I’m almost at the tipping point where the next cyst might do some damage.

      Glad you like the doggies. They’re all really sweet guys and girls. I see about 40 of them a day.

  2. Addie says:

    What a great sounding job and what a gross sounding cyst! I’m torn between a hearty HURRAH! and a gagging EEURG! so, I’ll settle with a Well done, Tim!

  3. Lily says:

    That’s so gross that you could smell it even though it was on your back. So gross yet so fascinating. I love stuff like that. I’m glad you got it all taken care of. Maybe it was from stress? Because it correlates perfectly with you getting a job. Weird.

    I’m so jealous that you get to be around cute dogs all day. Perfect job.

  4. julesagray says:

    I strongly suggest you watch all of the zit/cyst draining vids on You Tube. You’re welcome.

  5. I’ve never had a cyst or a dog of my own, but it would have been really helpful if you had your dog-job earlier.

    Apparently dogs are good at detecting bad things like this and will repeatedly lick bad moles and cysts. They’re kind of like the canaries that miners used to take with them, except they don’t die as much.

  6. thehobbler says:

    How cute! Congratulations on the job Moose.

      • thehobbler says:

        Forgotten already…sigh

        . Hey, I read your tips for writers block. I guess it’s not on WordPress? Anyway, they were really good. So mature, I had to double check it was you writing them. 😉

        How’s your book sales going?

      • Mooselicker says:

        Not forgotten. Someone actually brought you up to me the other day. They thought your blog name was The Howler.

        I keep my Yahoo articles a little more mature because I don’t want to be banished. They actually pay which is nice. You should give it a try.

        Book sales? I probably make more writing about writer’s block 🙂

      • thehobbler says:

        Awww, thanks for not forgetting me Moose. the Howler might be a fun blog name, but it might get me in trouble. 😉

        Paid? To write? That would be wonderful. I’ll have to check that out.

        My daughter got grounded from her Nook, and I repo’d it. Too bad you can’t digitally autograph my copy, but I plan on getting your ebook version.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Z Z* <—–that's what my signature pretty much looks like anyway

        I can always mail you an autographed hardcopy if you wanted. You don't want that though.

      • thehobbler says:

        I would love a paperback autographed copy. I doubt my husband would like me to give the address, but I’ll ask him.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Haha let me know if he changes his mind.

  7. It’s amazing how you get grossed out by things when you read about it or see a picture or video. I mean, watching a video of opening up a person’s body is really gross but it’s not that big a deal at all if it’s already in front of you. You know what I mean? Please tell me it’s not just me. And yes, you fucking grossed me out with that detailed recall of draining a cyst. But then there’s your grinning obnoxious face. It balanced things out. I wanted to write it grossed me out more but that’s just mean and so not true. Bye.

  8. joehoover says:

    That’s the best opening sentence to a post I’ve read in months

  9. modeejae says:

    The description of your back cyst is pretty nasty but I think I’m more horrified by the tags on this post. O.O

    Cute dogs though. So at least you’ve got that going for you.

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