Fake Racist News Stories

Posted: September 12, 2013 in Uncategorized
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Inventor of the “N-Word” Upset over Lack of Royalties

Modern American society has made the “N-Word” a dirty one to use. When inventor of the original word Earl Patterson first coined the word in 1845 during a card game, he immediately realized he had struck oil.

“I was onto something. It just came out of my mouth and felt right,” said Patterson. “Me and the boys [other racist gold miners] always needed some word to use and I came up with it all on my own.”

Like many other inventors, Patterson began to receive royalty checks from the United States Government for coming up with such a useful term at the time. Patterson had a trademark and used his new word to help him get endorsement deals with the Kellog’s Company, the second K in the notorious group the KKK.

“Life was easy after that. I quit my job and started doing advertisements. My grandchildren’s children would be set as long as someone didn’t come around to ruin it.”

Someone did come around to ruin it. Patterson who had been receiving one gold coin each time anyone ever uttered the actual full “n-word” had of all people Thomas Edison after his fortune.

“I knew Edison was a dick and all. Everybody did. He was named after a crappy town in Jersey. How could he not suck?” said Patterson.

Thomas Edison, best known for being a thieving dick, saw he could not simply steal the paten Patterson had on the word. Instead Edison made it so usage of the actual word would be seen as intolerant and bad. Edison then paid for the rights to the shortened and edited version, “n-word.” After successfully seizing up the rights to the loophole in using a derogatory word, Edison began receiving more checks than Patterson.

“Nobody wants to get called a racist anymore,” said Patterson. “They are more likely to say Edison’s version than mine.”

Patterson attempted to have lawyers contact Edison to work out a deal where they could share both words since they essentially mean the same thing and one is not more racist than the other when you really think about it and what should really matter is context more than anything else. Edison did not respond to any of Patterson’s inquiries. Since 1931, Thomas Edison has been M.I.A. to the public, Missing In being Alive.

A spokesperson for Edison, his great-grandson Trevor Edison, said that Edison never intended to screw over Patterson. Thomas Edison’s only intent was to make as much money as possible and project a much cuter image than the truth to his name.

As far as the claim that Patterson is a racist goes, he had this to say–

“Yes I am a racist. I grew up in the 1800s. Everyone from that era hated black people and I found a way for the hate to be a little less violent. Do I feel bad about it? Sure. But don’t judge me on this one achievement. All I did was come up with a word that we have all used at least once with our car windows rolled up.”

Georg Albert Bruetsch, about 1900.(Earl Patterson, inventor of the N-Word)

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