I randomly decided to check the reviews on things I have up on Amazon when I came across this gem:

1 Star – Like being patronized to by a moron, August 21, 2013

By S.W.W. – See all my reviews

This review is from: Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy

Tim is a man who represents everything wrong with the world of amateur stand-up comedy. He performs infrequently, believes he is above the shows he performs at, makes fun of other comedians who are different than him in any way, is frequently hypocritical, and expresses sexist, racist, and homophobic viewpoints. Most importantly, he is not funny, and simply resorts to making disgusting shock jokes without any clarity, set-up or context. If the audience didn’t laugh because you made a joke about performing fellatio on your father, that’s probably not their fault. His writing style conveys not just an immaturity, but an anti-maturity, an attitude that claims that things must change for him if he wants to achieve his goals, and if they don’t, there must be something wrong with them, and I will take my toys and leave. He has done the world of comedy a favor by retiring. He could never handle the business because it requires a thick skin and a sense of modesty. He is a blogger, and I imagine the experience of his blog is akin to attending the daycare room of a Klan rally. The editing is poor. Chapters are largely redundant, ideas are half-baked, and nearly every paragraph ends with a snarky sentence recapping the paragraph with a joke about fecal matter, homophobic stereotypes, or slut-shaming. Tim stole a dollar of my money, but the advice I give him now will be much more valuable – never return.

The review was left almost a month ago and I finally saw it now which shows you how little I care what other people think now. Anyway, I decided to write an answer that they will never see.

Dear S.W.W.

Thank you for the honest review. Let me start by thanking you for only leaving negative reviews on Amazon, your only other one being for $16 headphones you bought that arrived broken. I really hope you found another solution to watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory without waking your mother.

Stop me if I’m wrong, but you seem like a frustrated road comedian. By that I mean you remind me of people stuck in career purgatory. I have no doubt there are a million comedians better than I ever was or could be and you are probably one of them. Stand-up comedy is a tough business and as you said, I did not have the thick skin to survive in it. After all, I was still in high school and had no clue what I was doing. Most high schoolers don’t. If I was to start it now I probably would have been smarter about a lot of things. However, with this bloated wisdom comes the realization that I would probably have to deal with people like you and I don’t want that, especially when I know I could never be the best, which is what this book was about more than anything, giving up when you know you suck.

I apologize if you did not quite understand the message behind the book like others seemed to no problem. The book is self-deprecating and at no point did I want the impression to be that I think I am better than anyone else, other than maybe midgets but only in the sense that I can reach things more easily. I made it a point not to attack anyone personally, unless I felt they were unfair to me. The book was meant to be about everything I did wrong and me essentially making fun of what a shit I was/still am. I am always very general when I make fun of things because few people deserve to be directly attacked.

Sexist, racist, and homophobic viewpoints? Unfortunately this was not a book about my viewpoints on life. This was a book about feeling awkward and failing miserably at something I thought for sure I would succeed at. Sure, there are jokes about women. There are jokes about people of different races. There are jokes about men having sex with other men. I would give you specific examples, but after reading your poor review of my material I feel like it would be a waste of time to read my own work because it sounds like shit. I have no doubt you and others were offended by this at times and I really don’t care because anonymous people who only post negative reviews online offend me. Let’s call that part of this even. If I had seen a positive review on your Amazon account I would have taken your words more seriously. Instead I think you are nothing more than a negative nelly. Actually, I think you are a lot more than that, but I don’t want to end this paragraph with a snarky joke about fecal matter, you piece of shit.

We clearly do not have similar senses of humor and that’s okay. I would probably only ever find you funny as you cry for your family to visit you as you rot away on your deathbed, alone. I’m sure your biggest problem with me is that something hit close to home or you felt attacked personally as to who you are. Stop caring so much about yourself. You are anonymous online and will be anonymous in life. I would be lying if I didn’t say your negative review bothered me because it does. I want everyone to like me and really, that is often a downfall. At the same time I know the people who do like me know what a horrible human being I am. They know I make sexist jokes, racist jokes, and homophobic jokes. You seem like someone who would not be fun to hangout with because this is kind of what people do, we make jokes with each other about everything.

Finally, let me point out the obvious. Who buys a book without at least reading a part of it? You would have known within a few paragraphs if this was something you should have purchased or not. Do you blow a guy before knowing his name? That’s not fair. I resorted to a sexual joke. I also don’t know if you are male or female, not that it’s a bad thing if you are a male and blow other males. See, I’m learning to be less homophobic because you called me out, anonymously. Oddly enough I have also sold more books since your review so thanks for making it look more like it wasn’t my friends leaving reviews with your glaring negative one. Please never do return again. People like you are not necessary for my master plan of putting out poorly edited books that shame sluts. Isn’t calling someone a slut shaming them already? That’s all. You will never see this. I also don’t like how you called me a blogger like it was a bad thing. Then you compared it to a KKK Daycare? I’m immature? Who says that someone has to be mature to write a book? Grr you are my least favorite person ever. I’m going to go beat my children now.

Sincerely,

Tim

P.S. Thank you for the dollar!

dollar

P.P.S. I actually only received 35 cents because Amazon earned the other 65. So thank you for the 35 cents.

35cents

Comments
  1. 1jaded1 says:

    This was funny…and I don’t care who you are…pics are a nice touch! Side note, hockey pre-season is now…Whoo hoo!

  2. rossmurray1 says:

    I would imagine the daycare at a Klan rally would be a surprisingly moving experience, all that potential waiting to be soured and yet the glimmer of hope, hope for goodness to prevail, as it must, as it surely must. By which I mean to say to your critic in terms of his analogy: “Huh?”

  3. Lily says:

    I love haters. They clearly have NOTHING better to do than get mad at people who decided to share a part of themselves. If your book is anything like your blog, he probably didn’t understand your humor. Or just took you wayyyy too seriously which is annoying.

    I didn’t realize you were in high school when you did stand up! Brave.

    • Mooselicker says:

      In 12th grade health class, a kid who later killed himself said to a girl, “Did you know Tim does stand-up?” She looked at me completely unimpressed. A week later she told me her brother had the same shirt as me. So much for trying?

      It mostly bugs me that they bought a book without reading the sample. Christ. How dumb are they?

  4. So, how’s you self confidence? It seems to be okay, but please confirm ;).

  5. joehoover says:

    Love his review and love your response. What’s the point in bothering to write about something you didn’t like. (I know I’ve reviewed bad movies but on my blog just for the laughs, I wouldn’t bother going onto IMDB and doing that, I prefer to move on with my life). Shame he won’t see your reply, I feel he needs to.

    His line: “His writing style conveys not just an immaturity, but an anti-maturity” Is a pretty great tagline, I would use that on everything I ever publish from this point forth.

    Trying to think if I’ve ever blown a guy without knowing their name now….I’m going back about 8 years so it’ll take me a while.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Sometimes insults make for the best compliments. Like when music is banned, you slap that on the album.

      Maybe it’s just me, but I like to small talk with anyone whose crotch goes in my face.

  6. “At no point did I want the impression to be that I think I am better than anyone else, other than maybe midgets…”

    How wonderful would it be if he/she/it is a midget? -_-

  7. What an idiot… we all know that we are being patronized by a genius!

  8. thehobbler says:

    Well, if nothing else, your blog proves that many people enjoy your writing. I think your discrimination is refreshing. As a disabled woman with a bad haircut, I think I have good grounds to stand on when I say that too many people are worried about being politically correct.

    You write a lot of humor, and humor, by nature is immature. That’s why grown ups get all the worry lines and frown lines. Too busy trying to be mature.

    • Mooselicker says:

      With “insult humor” the real important thing is to make yourself a victim too. Attack your own ideas and stuff. That way you’re not a bully. I hate people like Tucker Max who just seems to tell us how much better he is. I suck at a lot of things, but I also want it to be known that some people suck more.

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