Here are two things I recently wrote for Yahoo that were rejected for different reasons.
This is something I wrote for Yahoo that was rejected because it did not meet the guidelines. Any idea why? The subtle mention of masturbation? The Matthew Broderick reference? The pictures are and captioned have been added for your pleasure.
The Home Sick from School To Do List
Taking a sick day and staying home from school is not as easy as it sounds. While at school, your life is completely dictated and you have no say in what you do or when you do it. When you are home, hopefully alone, you have to come up with activities to keep you sane. Here are the four activities you must do.
1) Watch ‘The Price is Right’
The only game show created for sick children and old people, The Price is Right is a must if you are home sick from school. The hour-long game show featuring games an armless deaf ape could accidentally win has spanned more than a few generations since its original inception. Many young men have had their first sexual fantasies about Barker’s Beauties and this is a tradition that continues. Of course you don’t have to be a male to get something out of the show. The simple guessing games will help keep your home from school mind somewhat sharp without using too much energy.
2) Drink Ginger Ale and Eat Ritz Crackers
Staying home sick is the perfect excuse to stuff your face. My parents always told me the two things I should consume to settle my stomach were Ginger Ale and Ritz Crackers. As a sick fat child, this meant putting as much of these two products down my throat. The stomach settling ingredients in Ginger Ale combined with the simplicity of Ritz Crackers always did the trick, even if it was a placebo affect more than anything else. Plus, the joy of eating as much as possible cured any internal pain.
3) Do Something Bad
Whatever it is to whatever degree it happens to be, when you stay home from school it’s important you break at least one house rule. Sneak into a sibling’s room, break a valuable item belonging to your parents, or completely ruin your life. As a sick child, you have every excuse to misbehave. Take advantage of this get out of jail free card, but remember not to do anything that would actually land you behind bars.
The perfect day home from school involves leaving the house. Ferris Bueller did it perfectly. He had the perfect alibi, that he was tucked under the covers all day long. I never managed to actually leave the house while sick. I missed out on the opportunities Matthew Broderick tried to teach me. Don’t do the same. No matter how sick you are, make sure you never spend the whole day watching television and eating. That’s what being in your 40s is for. Get out of the house and explore the world a bit. If you are on enough cold medicine you might see the world through fuzzier yet more entertaining gaze.
(1:36, tell me that isn’t the funniest thing ever)
This was rejected because “it belongs on a personal blog.” You win Yahoo.
Seven Reasons Why Parties Are Terrible
1) The Music
A party never has good music playing. Party music is always obnoxious and usually features beats from a Linkin Park song. Linkin Park alone can be difficult to listen to. Add in three obscure rappers, a female pop-singer that is only famous because of who she married, and a lot of auto-tuning and you have the perfect party song. I imagine in hell these songs play non-stop on loop. The offensive unoriginal beats and lack of soul are what really get me. I like music that has a clear purpose, even if the meaning of the song is not obvious. If I wanted to hear obnoxious loud sounds I would go see The Blue Man Group or poke a sick dog in the face with a stick.
2) The Socializing
There are two kinds of people at parties, people you already know and people you never have met before. Like a disaster movie where the blimp you are all riding on has caught fire, you are stuck with these people throughout the duration of this tragedy, doing your best to survive. When you see people you are already familiar with you have to act happy to see them. This can be hard for me because I never am. With new people it’s a little bit different. You have to find out everything about them. Speaking over the loud music can make this tougher. I have tried introducing myself at parties before. My name has been mistaken for everything from Ron to James. Either the people I meet at parties need to get their hearing checked or I need to see a speech therapist. Or perhaps the vodka has to be watered down.
3) The Guys
Other men at parties are the absolute worst. They are essentially my competition and not even for women. At parties men will brag about their life accomplishments. Some may even show off. Musicians will whip out guitars and play a song I have never heard. I pretend to enjoy it when really my main interest is smashing the instrument over their face. For some reason parties make men try to act more macho. Guys will either become the life of the party or behave like they are too cool for the room. There is also the third category, my category. We are the distinct few who behave like we don’t want to be there, mostly because we would rather be doing anything else than socializing with our friend’s friends.
4) The Girls
I take it back. Women are the absolute worst at parties. Or maybe it’s closer to a tie. A woman’s behavior at a party is inexcusable. Sure they are drunk and easier to get into bed, but at what cost? The stories they tell, the drunken observations they make, and the unattractive clumsiness that is better suited in a Sandra Bullock film make these women into asexual creatures. Perhaps the worst thing is they look like they are having fun. Parties were definitely invented by a female. I would like to meet that woman and let her know the suicide kit was a better invention for humanity’s sake.
5) The Drama
Every party has some sort of drama. The smaller the party, the less there is. At minimum you can expect a female to call up her boyfriend, a guy who is currently at another party most likely being unfaithful. It’s no secret that party-people are promiscuous and not very loyal in general. A big part of loyalty is about not needing anyone else other than who you already have. People who enjoy parties do so because they like meeting other people. What they already have is not enough. One little bit of drama at a party can completely ruin the mood of the room. Of course if you are like me, the mood is already in the deepest darkest pit of Satan’s toe blister.
6) The Need for Alcohol
No laws exist stating a party must contain alcohol. Somehow though, the only way we can tolerate each other is if alcohol is involved. Since most people need alcohol inside their systems to enjoy a party, it makes me believe most people do not actually enjoy these social functions. As a non-heavy drinker (social outcast) I never understood the need for alcohol at a party until I went to one without indulging. Being a sober person around drunk people is the biggest reminder that people are not perfect or of quality condition. I prefer a party void of alcohol or indulged lightly. This way I can have a more honest conversation and never have to worry about someone falling off the roof to their death and ruining my buzz.
7) The Emotional Pain
Nearly every party I have gone to has caused me some emotional pain. I didn’t get the girl, was reminded of my failures, or worst of all I had a really good time and had to doubt my opinion of parties. Emotional pain is far greater than anything physically damaging that can happen at a party, unless a young Led Zeppelin is there. Even the most optimistic of people go into a party with high hopes and when it doesn’t turn out the way they wanted it to then the emotional pain arises. The real key to surviving a party is the same way to survive a shark attack, avoid. Whenever someone invites you to a party make up an excuse. Tell the person who invited you that you don’t like them. If you can’t get out of going to the party because someone is making you feel guilty, do your best to find that other outcast at the party. Stand in the corner and make fun of everyone else with your fellow outcast. Sometimes in the most tedious of life’s moments the only way to ease the emotional pain of failure is to find someone as pathetic as you and convince yourselves it’s not you, it’s everyone else.