When I was prepubescent (that means pre-pubic hair) I had a next door neighbor named Mr. Marconi. Every day I would walk by Mr. Marconi on my way to get harassed at the bus stop by older kids. Mr. Marconi would sit on his porch and ask me what I was on that day. Each day I was something different. Mr. Marconi helped teach me that I should aspire to be something great. I dedicate this article to you Mr. Marconi. You opened my imagination and made me believe I could actually achieve something. Thank you for lying. Fuck you.
These are eight of the jobs I told Mr. Marconi I was back in the day. I was of course a stupid kid and cannot be blamed for thinking I could actually do them. I understand now why I never could.
1: Cowboy – Mr. Marconi made me believe that I could be a cowboy. I’m not sure why he would have done that. Cowboys were extinct for about 100 years. I mean real cowboys too like Jesse James, Billy the Kid, or whoever Mel Gibson was supposed to be in Maverick. Ted Maverick? I never saw it. Mr. Marconi provided me with a false belief that cowboy was still a profession I could pursue. The closest I ever got to my cowboy dream was when I wore my C.O.W. – Boys of Moo Mesa shirt to school.
2: Astronaut – Working as an astronaut was another thing Mr. Marconi encouraged me to do. The problem with this is that astronauts have to be educated and in shape. Outside of my Photoshopped pictures on my online dating profiles, I am neither. I get dizzy easily and my high school science teacher ran over a classmate who was riding his bike. This one was completely out of my control.
3: Pirate – I always wanted to be a pirate when I was younger. I still wouldn’t mind. In theory being a pirate would be great until I realize my teeth are one of my best features. That’s more of an insult on everything else than it is praise for my teeth. I also don’t get along with parrots very well. This would be problematic with the captain.
(The one on the fart left is named “Black Beard” and it has nothing to do with the hair on his face. The one on the far right is just called “Black Everything”)
4: Baseball Player – I knew I would never be a baseball player when I had a .188 batting average with eight errors in a full season. I also cried when I didn’t make the high school team. Athletic prowess in my family stops and ends with being able to hover over a public toilet.
(My cousin Barry getting hit in the face with a baseball. The saddest thing about it was it was during a game of catch with himself. He’s not really my cousin. My uncle has sex with girls way too young to get preggers)
5: Veterinarian – As a lifetime animal lover, working with pets has always been something I have wanted to do. Then I watched pet after pet of mine get carted away into a veterinarian’s office only to never see them again. A veterinarian’s job is as morbid as it is rewarding. I am not a person who gets the same level of erection from helping an animal as I do from killing one. In fact, neither gives me an erection. Nothing about animals gets me horny. Please tell this to my ex-girlfriend who may have walked in on something that she thinks she saw.
6: Unemployed – Okay, this one I actually have achieved. And yes, it is not just something anybody can do. When I was younger unemployment seemed a lot more fun. In actuality it’s not fun because pimps charge really high interest rates. It’s hard to get a girlfriend when you don’t have a job and I need to get my sex somehow. What am I going to do, masturbate? That’s a sin. I would betray a lot of people. Jesus is not one of them.
7: Army Man – At every point in his life male Americans have considered the military. I have thought about it as recent as right now. Then I remember it hurts to get out of bed and I don’t like what I look like with my shirt off. The army is 90% taking your shirt off and 100% getting out of bed. Mr. Marconi’s encouragement for me to join the army makes him a bit of a soothsayer. He knew I would never amount to anything other than human shield.
8: Dinosaur – Perhaps the most ridiculous thing I wanted to be when I was younger was a dinosaur. It’s impossible to be a dinosaur. They no longer exist. Now the only thing I want to be is happy. This might be even more ridiculous. Happiness no longer exists.
Mr. Marconi is the first dead body I ever saw. It happened after he died, although many would say he was already dead on the inside. He always encouraged me to follow my dreams. Again, fuck you Mr. Marconi. My expectations on life were so high and now they are dead like you. You were a mean old man masquerading as a friendly neighbor. Your evil plan may have taken over two decades to complete itself, but it did and I can hear you cackling from beyond the grave.