Whenever I hear some people talk about their grandparents I wonder what I did in a past life to get such lame ones. Fond memories of them are very few. I consider myself to have five grandparents total, one not being a blood relative. These people are:
Nanny (Pop-Pop’s second wife)
So how exactly did they underachieve according to my expectations?
1) Grandpa and Grandma both died before Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. I never met either. To no fault of their own, they had no direct impact on my life whatsoever, other than maybe torturing my orphaned father’s soul. Take your vitamins old people. I missed out on possibly having good elderly kin in my life.
2) Mom-Mom buys the worst holiday gifts. For my birthday I usually get a card with a forged signature from my uncle. For Christmas I usually get different jams or syrups she bought while on a vacation. Two years ago I received Hawaiian honey. Who needs to travel to a beautiful exotic location when you can get their honey brought directly to you?
3) Pop-Pop was a giant racist. That’s not to say he was nine feet tall and hated Serbians. The giant part was in his racial intolerance, not physical stature. The man came from a different era and saw more atrocities than I ever have, having fought on Japan soil in World War II. The closest I have ever come to war was when I was constipated for a week.
(The best part in the Halloween movies was when Jamie Lee Curtis was hiding in the closet and then she farted from all of the Activia she was eating and then Michael Myers stabbed her and she shit herself more)
4) Mom-Mom had an obsession with lighthouses for years. Whenever we needed to buy her something, it would be lighthouse related. Then one day she decided she no longer liked lighthouses. What do you get an old-lady who doesn’t like her favorite thing in the world anymore? Probably a coffin. Losing interest in things you used to love is definitely a sign you are dying soon. Three years later, Mom-Mom is still kicking, with the help of a home health aide of course to move her legs.
5) Nanny seduced Pop-Pop when he was married to Mom-Mom and they ran off together. This is totally lame and set off a history in my family of failed marriages. She is a big reason why I have trouble believing in true love. At least she sends me more money on my birthday and Christmas than Mom-Mom does.
6) The last time I saw Pop-Pop before he passed away he said two incredibly offensive things to me in a single sentence. The sentence, “Hey Tommy, how much do you weigh?” As a fat child, this offended me a lot that he would want to know my weight. As someone not named Tommy, this offended me even more that he could not get my name right.
7) Mom-Mom once took me and my younger sister to Wendy’s for lunch. The place was so crowded that she made us sit at a table with two random old people none of us knew. The male old person yelled at me for taking the tomato off my hamburger. I felt bad about myself. If only I had eaten that one tomato maybe I would not have been so fat.
8) Pop-Pop was a bit of a yeller too. He never raised his voice to a frightening level, but I do remember getting reprimanded for not understanding how elbows do not belong on the table because they will knock my glass of orange juice onto the floor. Pop-Pop knew how to ruin breakfast.
9) For the past however many Christmases, instead of getting my older sister presents, Mom-Mom takes out a chart and knocks off the money my sister owes her. I’m not exactly sure if this chart is physical or mental. I like to think she has it attached to a clipboard hidden away with the Christmas decorations. I would like to think if I ever become a grandfather that I would not hold my grandchildren to their debts.
So do you have cool grandparents or lame ones?