Grandparents

Whenever I hear some people talk about their grandparents I wonder what I did in a past life to get such lame ones. Fond memories of them are very few. I consider myself to have five grandparents total, one not being a blood relative. These people are:

Mom’s Side:

Pop-Pop (dad)

Mom-Mom (mom)

Nanny (Pop-Pop’s second wife)

Dad’s Side:

Grandpa (dad)

Grandma (mom)

So how exactly did they underachieve according to my expectations?

1) Grandpa and Grandma both died before Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. I never met either. To no fault of their own, they had no direct impact on my life whatsoever, other than maybe torturing my orphaned father’s soul. Take your vitamins old people. I missed out on possibly having good elderly kin in my life.

(Not these pills you old goofs!)

2) Mom-Mom buys the worst holiday gifts. For my birthday I usually get a card with a forged signature from my uncle. For Christmas I usually get different jams or syrups she bought while on a vacation. Two years ago I received Hawaiian honey. Who needs to travel to a beautiful exotic location when you can get their honey brought directly to you?

3) Pop-Pop was a giant racist. That’s not to say he was nine feet tall and hated Serbians. The giant part was in his racial intolerance, not physical stature. The man came from a different era and saw more atrocities than I ever have, having fought on Japan soil in World War II. The closest I have ever come to war was when I was constipated for a week.

(The best part in the Halloween movies was when Jamie Lee Curtis was hiding in the closet and then she farted from all of the Activia she was eating and then Michael Myers stabbed her and she shit herself more)

4) Mom-Mom had an obsession with lighthouses for years. Whenever we needed to buy her something, it would be lighthouse related. Then one day she decided she no longer liked lighthouses. What do you get an old-lady who doesn’t like her favorite thing in the world anymore? Probably a coffin. Losing interest in things you used to love is definitely a sign you are dying soon. Three years later, Mom-Mom is still kicking, with the help of a home health aide of course to move her legs.

5) Nanny seduced Pop-Pop when he was married to Mom-Mom and they ran off together. This is totally lame and set off a history in my family of failed marriages. She is a big reason why I have trouble believing in true love. At least she sends me more money on my birthday and Christmas than Mom-Mom does.

(Sometimes Nanny and I would do this same pose and wear these outfits)

6) The last time I saw Pop-Pop before he passed away he said two incredibly offensive things to me in a single sentence. The sentence, “Hey Tommy, how much do you weigh?” As a fat child, this offended me a lot that he would want to know my weight. As someone not named Tommy, this offended me even more that he could not get my name right.

7) Mom-Mom once took me and my younger sister to Wendy’s for lunch. The place was so crowded that she made us sit at a table with two random old people none of us knew. The male old person yelled at me for taking the tomato off my hamburger. I felt bad about myself. If only I had eaten that one tomato maybe I would not have been so fat.

(A picture of me as a kid. I’m the chubby one in the Neptune Blue shirt)

8) Pop-Pop was a bit of a yeller too. He never raised his voice to a frightening level, but I do remember getting reprimanded for not understanding how elbows do not belong on the table because they will knock my glass of orange juice onto the floor. Pop-Pop knew how to ruin breakfast.

9) For the past however many Christmases, instead of getting my older sister presents, Mom-Mom takes out a chart and knocks off the money my sister owes her. I’m not exactly sure if this chart is physical or mental. I like to think she has it attached to a clipboard hidden away with the Christmas decorations. I would like to think if I ever become a grandfather that I would not hold my grandchildren to their debts.

So do you have cool grandparents or lame ones?

Getaway Drivers

Here’s a review I wrote months ago for the movie Drive starring that hunky guy with the droopy eyes.

Ryan Gosling seems to have a free pass in life. He has an oddly shaped head yet still somehow manages to be a sex symbol. In half his movies he also has ugly facial hair. Still, women go wild for him. When Drive came out it was praised by everyone as an action packed thriller. I was excited to sit down and watch it. I found myself wanting to get up to leave my own apartment.

This particular Ryan Gosling film depicts him as a flat character with no personality whatsoever. I have no problem with quiet characters when there are others around him that I care about. Not one character in this film is memorable and the best performance probably comes from Ron Perlman who always plays Ron Perlman in whatever he’s in. Sometimes Ron Perlman wears a leather jacket or is a monster, but he’s always Ron Perlman.

(Not sure which one is supposed to be Beast…)

The plot of the film is interesting enough. A Hollywood stunt driver moonlights as a getaway driver. You would think a stuntman might have a lot of personality, stories to tell, and be one of those adrenaline junkies who never shuts up about much he enjoys a rush. Gosling’s character hardly speaks or even moves his face. Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot had a thousand times more personality than Gosling’s character.

Quickly I began to lose interest in this movie. Credited as a thriller, I was expecting to be thrilled. It took almost forty minutes for anything of substance to happen. Gosling falls in love with some girl who has a shitty boyfriend which I guess is relatable because girls tend to date shitty guys. Girls no longer seem to want a guy with a job, a sense of humor, or the ability to provide for them. A woman these days, for the most part, fall for whatever guy has been unemployed the longest and wears his hat the most to the side. When will females stop sleeping with men who aren’t sweetie pies? If you want to be treated like a princess, don’t date a guy who wants to be one too.

(This was the only face he made throughout the entire movie)

The dynamic between the characters throughout this film is boring and confusing. Maybe it’s confusing because I was so bored and found myself counting ceiling tiles instead. Action does pick up and it looks like a lot is about to happen. There is a little bit of gunfire and some fast cars moving. This does not make a good film though. Giving me characters I want to see succeed or fail is what makes me enjoy a movie.

The bad guys in this movie don’t get nearly enough screen time for us to hate them. Albert Brooks plays a great prick, but is never given the chance to prove how dastardly he can be. Instead we are told how bad he is instead of shown. Considering this isn’t a film put together by some college students, they could have easily put in an additional scene or two where we really want the bad guys to lose. I’ve met high school students who were nastier than the villains in this film. I could not careless whether they won or lost.

(How does he keep the same expression? He should be angry!)

Drive may be one of the most overrated films I have seen in a while. One person told me it was this generation’s Taxi Driver which made me think he didn’t like Taxi Driver very much. Taxi Driver had a complex character who you find yourself rooting for despite knowing he’s the bad guy, although I see him as more of a hero since he never actually hurts anyone. The person who told me this was probably not thinking very much deeper than basing it on the title alone. He probably thought Driving Miss Daisy was comparable to Taxi Driver.

If you are a person who will watch a movie for the sake of seeing Ryan Gosling then I would recommend this film to you. But please, realize he will never go to prom with you. Stop daydreaming. Ryan Gosling wants nothing to do with a girl who uses a photo of him as her Facebook cover photo. That’s just too creepy.

(“Christ dude, smile. I’m about to get shot and you’re going to bang my wife.” – the guy about to get shot and have his wife banged by Ryan Gosling)

Same Old Stories

It’s the same old story. The weather gets colder and I decide to work on a new project. It happens every year. This time around I decided to finally activate something I had planned to do ever since the radio show I submitted to told me I was a cocksucker and not to waste their time. They said this by not making me a finalist, so I will not quote them on that cocksucker remark.

I started a new sports blog that you have no interest in reading. I don’t even blame you for not reading it since it’s mostly inside jokes to the Philadelphia sports world/media. You’re still of course free to check it out and how secretly clever I think it is. Click on A.I.’s face to get there!

Oh and of course you can always check out what I’ve been writing on Yahoo. I’ve finally surpassed $100 there too which is nice because money buys things and things are good to have. You can get to those by clicking the below picture of Chi McBride with his family.

Batman’s Girlfriends

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger

In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman

I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes

Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

Batman Treatments

I saw a meme online. When I got finished vomiting over the fact we communicate with brief pictures with a few words slapped onto it (we are much more advanced than that, I think) I thought about it.

The meme was a picture of Batman pulled over by the police saying how the man behind the mask is a millionaire who spent all of this money on a costume and batmobile. What he does with this other than get laid all of the time is visit children in hospitals.

My first reaction to this was I don’t give a hoot! Why should I? It doesn’t affect me. That’s kind of my attitude about life now. I know it sounds terrible and like I’m becoming a worse person, but it really makes me happier. The way I see it there are two types of people. There are people who don’t want to inconvenience others and people who don’t want to be inconvenienced. Instincts tell me that I don’t want to be someone who inconveniences others. I am inherently good and after 26 years on this planet now with bad joints, I’m starting to see the ramification of doing what you think is good all of the time. There’s a difference between right and good. Good is doing everything someone tells you to do, like a dog. Right is asking what the benefit is for you, the person, and society as a whole.

Whether it’s true or not that this guy visits hospitals to help dying kids, and I certainly have my doubts, is good. This millionaire man goes around cheering up kids while dressed as everyone’s favorite millionaire superhero, Batman. I can safely say he’s everyone’s favorite millionaire superhero because if you like Ironman more than Batman you are not a human. Stop trying to be too cool for the room. Ironman is terrible.

(Is it even necessary to give an iron suit fake abs? And why do his legs have to be a different color? Are we supposed to think he’s wearing khakis?)

I think spending money to bring smiles to soon to be dead faces is worthless when instead you can possibly make those smiles last a little longer. I am someone who values life over anything else. I understand a life might be pointless if there is no joy in it too, but you never know that for sure. The fact these kids are in a hospital means they aren’t exactly joyless Third World children who got dealt the ‘directions card’ in a game of poker. Sure, it’s great to want to make people happy, especially sick children. But how about you help make them one day have the chance to be sick and dying old people? The money could have gone toward something much more important, like a cure.

There was also the big Batkid thing in San Francisco recently. While this is cute and great for the kid, I feel it’s too self-serving for the rest of us. The kid will most likely live as his cancer is in remission which is great. However, it still feels like people got together to make him feel like Batman for us more than him. We can say we did our part by contributing to this. Helping one kid live out a fantasy is small picture thinking. The big picture is there are always going to be kids suffering and dying. Temporary happiness doesn’t feel worthwhile when misery is everywhere else.

I wrote most of this rant a few months ago and I don’t feel too strongly about it right now, as the original millionaire dressing up as Batman pissed me off. When I first saw the picture I left a comment that said I wanted to hire someone to dress up as The Joker to punch the Batman guy. Cute stories like this will always grab headlines because we love Patch Adams type people, not real scientists who actually slave away trying to find cures.

Now that the anger is out of my system, here’s something to upset the rest of you. Here’s a friendly reminder who the next Batman is–

Inspirational Pictures

The Internet is “abuzzfeed” with sites posting inspirational pictures. I decided do the same. These pictures will restore your faith in mankind. Actually, it’s pretty offensive at times.

1. This woman who made the rest of us feel more useful to the world

2. This retarded girl who was allowed to perform on television

3. This mom who helped her daughter meet Jesus

4. This sweetheart not letting her right to freedom of speech go to waste; or is it a guy?

5. This man who helped prove the flawed judicial system

6. These boys who showed us what BFFL really means

7. This doctor who always gave his patients what they wanted

8. This man who had a dream and did something about it

And this man who had a different dream and did something about it…

9. This leader who gave us hope…

And then taught us that we should never get out hopes up

10. This athlete who overcame covering up a murder to become a champion

11. And this quarterback who helped to control the pet population

12. This director who makes inspirational timeless and needed films

13. This cannibal who made sure to recycle human life

14. This monster who overcame being a mean skeleton to find a place that accepted her ideas

15. This place that never crushes anyone’s dreams

16. This scientist who brought logic back to society

17. This college dweeb who helped us learn how much we hate other people

18. This go-getter who made getting the mail exciting

19. This cat that smothered this girl while she slept; she would have grown up to become evil

20. And finally this parade that unified a lost country

Next time I will do Life Hacks. Here’s a preview.

1. Demolition team on strike? Put an American flag on the building and then call this guy!

Battle Royales

I know I said I was not going to be blogging as much and this is my third this week, but it’s mostly because I have actually been home more and have less to say. The less you have to say, the more blog posts you do. The more you have to say, the more likely you are to get shot for having an opinion. Speaking of getting shot, here’s a review I wrote months ago that was supposed to be on some website that never existed and it’s about a movie where a lot of people shoot each other.

My Review of Battle Royale:

If you are anything like me, I don’t mean the manic depression, then you were a little upset with the 2012 hit film The Hunger Games. The film was pretty, had a good story, and it was long which means I got my money’s worth. The problem with The Hunger Games other than no one actually starved to death was that in a film about kids killing each other, things never got very gruesome. For those like me who were upset that many of the death scenes had cutaways, you are in luck because there is a much more violent film where The Hunger Games basically lifted its idea from and it’s called Battle Royale.

(With Beat Takeshi people! The only Japanese actor named after a fictional band from Doug)

I have been a Battle Royale fan for years now. I even have an old faded shirt I got off eBay years ago. I wear it to bed now more than anything because when I do put it on I have self-esteem issues about my body. I think it makes me look fat. What are not fat are the kids in this movie. Except for one of them, but he doesn’t last very long which really bugged me because as racist as it may sound, I had some trouble telling the characters apart.

Battle Royale essentially is about a group of Japanese high school students who while on a field trip are gassed to the point where they pass out. When they wake up, they are in a classroom. I know I’m sounding nitpicky with one of my favorite films, but I want to point out it would have probably been cheaper if they just drove the bus to wherever they were going and had a few guys with guns push the kids into the classroom. Knock-out nerve gas has to be really expensive. I have never bought any, but it’s not exactly something we ever see for sale in a Walmart circular. I think it’s safe to say nerve gas is expensive and I would have kidnapped these children at a much cheaper cost.

(At a comic book convention I actually met the one with the small frame, straight dark hair, and tan-colored clothing pictured here)

A video is played that lets the children know they are on a remote island where they will have to fight each other to the death until only one is left. Sound familiar? It’s not. Battle Royale came out first and the book was published in 1999. The Hunger Games should sound familiar to you.

Questions are raised at this point as to why this is happening. As the case is with subtitled films, a lot may go overlooked because reading during a movie can be tiresome. These students are part of something called the BR Act which was passed after 800,000 students walked out of school without permission from their parents. Think of this as Ferris Bueller to the extreme with a lot more Japanese kids and machine guns.

(I know neither is holding a machine gun, but remember that Asian people are larger than most so it just looks small)

In addition to the students in the class there are two other men in the room with them. These two men are former winners of the game. I never like games that when you win all you get is a chance to play again. Miniature golf does that. I also had a friend win a pie eating contest once and he won a pie. None of these prizes are fair, especially the one about having to kill more people after having killed all of your classmates.

Each student is given a bag at random. The bags contain helpful items like maps, swords, and guns or unhelpful things like a paper fan, a saucepan lid, or a copy of Battle Royale 2. I never saw Battle Royale 2. I heard it’s exactly like the first one so to me it sounds pretty useless.

The film follows these different students as they fight for survival. Some form alliances, others fend for themselves. Others choose to not fight which is ridiculous because if they don’t get down to one person before time expires, the collars on their necks will go off and decapitate them. Maybe that’s why they needed the knock-out gas after all. Kids hate when you put death collars on their necks. The only way you can do it is if they are knocked out. There goes my theory that I’m good at kidnapping children.

 (So if you put a grenade in someone’s mouth their head falls off?)

There are two main characters in the film, a male and a female. Their names are whatever the Japanese equivalent of Katniss and Peeta are. Their characters are not as deep as some of the side characters, some of whom are completely badass evil, but they work for what they are.

I originally fell in love with Battle Royale because of its ultraviolent images. This may indeed be the most violent film I have ever seen. It’s bloody, gory, and has good guys as well as bad ones. Where Battle Royale falls short I believe is that it is adapted from a very complex book. There are times I felt like important parts were skipped over too quickly and plot points were not fully explained. I had to do some reading on this film after viewing it which is actually a good thing because it means I liked the film enough where I wanted to learn more.

(Reading? Hasn’t she ever heard of TV? Or a chair?)

Although at times you may find yourself watching this film not quite sure why this is all happening, it can be enjoyed from a less complex perspective. Did you enjoy the Christopher Nolan Batman films? Those are incredibly complicated. The Dark Knight Rises spoiler alert: Remember how Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend, whatever her name is foreign girl, reveals why she turned on him? It made no sense at all. She spent all those years getting into a business that she knew would get her close to Bruce Wayne. She went to school all for the sake of getting to kill him. It’s like in The Naked Gun when bad guy points out he spent years doing a job he hated just so he could one day kill the queen. And what if the Bruce Wayne girlfriend lady was ugly? Bruce Wayne doesn’t date ugly chicks. So many little things had to be perfect for her to pull that off. It made no sense and still the film was enjoyable.

Battle Royale is not much different in that way. Watch it for what it is, something different and original with graphic scenes of high school kids killing each other.

Emancipation Proclamations

Dominatrix Arrested in the Name of the Emancipation Proclamation

On January 1, 1863 after a night of binge drinking with friends, former President Abraham Lincoln made a New Year’s Resolution to abolish slavery. Wasting no time like a fat girl signing up for a gym membership, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. Unlike the fat girl with the gym membership, Lincoln stuck to his promise.

Now in 2013, law enforcement officials are catching up and cracking down on the current forms of slavery existing in America despite the illegality of each. The first to fall was New York dominatrix Shirley Groinkick.

Groinkick was arrested on three counts of slavery, each of the victims being businessmen who paid her to treat them poorly.

As she was escorted into the police vehicle, Groinkick pleaded her innocence. She claimed this was her job and that the men were getting what they paid for.

“Who would ever pay for a woman to treat them like a slave?” rhetorically asked Police Chief Sal Beatshiswife. “It’s not unusual for a guilty party to say they’re innocent, but who is she trying to fool? Me?”

Groinkick is just the first of many dominatrixes who will feel the bitch slap of the law against them.

“This sweep is going nationwide,” said Beathiswife. “Coppers all over the country are going to take down these dominating whores.”

Other targets of this new movement to make the Emancipation Proclamation more productive are those working with companies offering internships. In recent years, the internship has been advertised as a way to get your foot in the door with certain careers. The truth, this is another form of slavery.

“I started out my internship thinking it would eventually lead to a job,” said former Chinese-American intern Terrance Yu. “The internships never led to anything other than being really good at making coffee. I’m a barista now and I hate my life. I’m Chinese, not Japanese. I should be happier.”

Illuminati puppet and figurehead of the United States, Barack Obama, has said that it’s important America honors what the Emancipation Proclamation says, all slavery should be abolished. Starting whenever he needs the good press, Obama will eliminate all slavery from the country. All sports players will become free agents, all people who were forced into signing with a union will be free to leave, and school will no longer be required for children.

“As a man who grew up in Africa I know what an awful thing slavery is,” said Obama. “Y’all skeet skeet goddamn.”

For now though, it appears only the dominatrixes have been busted for engaging in slavery. Let this be a warning to all those out there, you cannot control anyone because a tall president with a neck beard who was shot in the back of the head said so.

Timmies

I was born Timothy Michael Boyle. Well, technically I was born sliding out from a vagina covered in blood and screaming with an umbilical cord attached to me, but what they called me was Timothy Michael Boyle. Rarely am I ever called by this name. Only when I was baptized and once when I was in trouble did anyone call me by my full name. It will probably happen again when I trick a woman into marrying me and the priest must say my full name. I still plan on making my name sound more ethnic so people will say “Hey, let’s get someone diverse in here” because that’s how the world works now.

(This picture is supposed to represent diversity. To me it represents how gross hands are no matter what ethnicity)

Normally I go by the shortened version of Tim rather than Timothy. Sometimes though, people decide to call me Timmy. I have decided to set some ground rules as to when it’s okay to call me Timmy.

1) When You Are Being Playful

The name Timmy reminds me of the way you may speak to a dog. If you call me Timmy, it is perfectly acceptable to do it in baby-talk. In fact, I prefer the name Timmy to be said as if I am a puppy. Timmy is a little degrading. Make sure you are someone who can get away with being playful with me, not many can.

(She can get away with it, although I don’t like baby-talking with cats for some reason)

2) When You Do Not Know Any Better

I have come to realize some people just do not know any better about certain things in life. You can remind someone a million times that a name bothers you and they will never remember anyway. I excuse these people calling me Timmy, even if deep down inside I feel dehumanized. The best revenge I find is calling them something worse behind their back.

(I couldn’t think of a good insult so I decided to use a picture of one woman telling another how she killed Jon Benet Ramsey)

3) When We Flirt

While flirting I accept just about anything. I know it may make me sound like a pushover or weak, but Haley’s Comet comes around more often than flirtations moments I have. Most girls who end up calling me Timmy will do it right away and this is something I have to accept if I want our relationship to go beyond stalking her on Facebook.

(Something tells me this flirty guy didn’t get laid because he assumes sushi is the only thing Asians eat. If he had a second date he had planned on bombing Pearl Harbor together)

4) When You Knew Me When I Was Young

At a younger age I never minded being called Timmy. After all, it’s one of those natural childish boy names. The adults who knew me pre-cynicism are allowed to call me Timmy for the rest of their lives, most of which should be coming to a close soon. These people probably changed my diaper at some point. They can get away with calling me a bad name.

(Something tells me that pink baby is not from his loins)

In all other instances you should go with whatever the most common usage of the name is. Never call a Michael a Mikey or Mickey unless asked. Most Samuels prefer Sam, not Sammy. There are female names like this too. Jen is far different from a Jenny. If you meet any of the above requirements, you can call me Timmy. If not call me anything else, just not late for dinner lol!!!!

But really, calling me late for dinner is a dick move. I hate having to walk by everyone after they are already in the middle of shit.