I was born Timothy Michael Boyle. Well, technically I was born sliding out from a vagina covered in blood and screaming with an umbilical cord attached to me, but what they called me was Timothy Michael Boyle. Rarely am I ever called by this name. Only when I was baptized and once when I was in trouble did anyone call me by my full name. It will probably happen again when I trick a woman into marrying me and the priest must say my full name. I still plan on making my name sound more ethnic so people will say “Hey, let’s get someone diverse in here” because that’s how the world works now.
Normally I go by the shortened version of Tim rather than Timothy. Sometimes though, people decide to call me Timmy. I have decided to set some ground rules as to when it’s okay to call me Timmy.
1) When You Are Being Playful
The name Timmy reminds me of the way you may speak to a dog. If you call me Timmy, it is perfectly acceptable to do it in baby-talk. In fact, I prefer the name Timmy to be said as if I am a puppy. Timmy is a little degrading. Make sure you are someone who can get away with being playful with me, not many can.
2) When You Do Not Know Any Better
I have come to realize some people just do not know any better about certain things in life. You can remind someone a million times that a name bothers you and they will never remember anyway. I excuse these people calling me Timmy, even if deep down inside I feel dehumanized. The best revenge I find is calling them something worse behind their back.
3) When We Flirt
While flirting I accept just about anything. I know it may make me sound like a pushover or weak, but Haley’s Comet comes around more often than flirtations moments I have. Most girls who end up calling me Timmy will do it right away and this is something I have to accept if I want our relationship to go beyond stalking her on Facebook.
4) When You Knew Me When I Was Young
At a younger age I never minded being called Timmy. After all, it’s one of those natural childish boy names. The adults who knew me pre-cynicism are allowed to call me Timmy for the rest of their lives, most of which should be coming to a close soon. These people probably changed my diaper at some point. They can get away with calling me a bad name.
In all other instances you should go with whatever the most common usage of the name is. Never call a Michael a Mikey or Mickey unless asked. Most Samuels prefer Sam, not Sammy. There are female names like this too. Jen is far different from a Jenny. If you meet any of the above requirements, you can call me Timmy. If not call me anything else, just not late for dinner lol!!!!
But really, calling me late for dinner is a dick move. I hate having to walk by everyone after they are already in the middle of shit.