I was born Timothy Michael Boyle. Well, technically I was born sliding out from a vagina covered in blood and screaming with an umbilical cord attached to me, but what they called me was Timothy Michael Boyle. Rarely am I ever called by this name. Only when I was baptized and once when I was in trouble did anyone call me by my full name. It will probably happen again when I trick a woman into marrying me and the priest must say my full name. I still plan on making my name sound more ethnic so people will say “Hey, let’s get someone diverse in here” because that’s how the world works now.

diversity (1)(This picture is supposed to represent diversity. To me it represents how gross hands are no matter what ethnicity)

Normally I go by the shortened version of Tim rather than Timothy. Sometimes though, people decide to call me Timmy. I have decided to set some ground rules as to when it’s okay to call me Timmy.

1) When You Are Being Playful

The name Timmy reminds me of the way you may speak to a dog. If you call me Timmy, it is perfectly acceptable to do it in baby-talk. In fact, I prefer the name Timmy to be said as if I am a puppy. Timmy is a little degrading. Make sure you are someone who can get away with being playful with me, not many can.

playful_kitten-normal(She can get away with it, although I don’t like baby-talking with cats for some reason)

2) When You Do Not Know Any Better

I have come to realize some people just do not know any better about certain things in life. You can remind someone a million times that a name bothers you and they will never remember anyway. I excuse these people calling me Timmy, even if deep down inside I feel dehumanized. The best revenge I find is calling them something worse behind their back.

insult(I couldn’t think of a good insult so I decided to use a picture of one woman telling another how she killed Jon Benet Ramsey)

3) When We Flirt

While flirting I accept just about anything. I know it may make me sound like a pushover or weak, but Haley’s Comet comes around more often than flirtations moments I have. Most girls who end up calling me Timmy will do it right away and this is something I have to accept if I want our relationship to go beyond stalking her on Facebook.

flirting(Something tells me this flirty guy didn’t get laid because he assumes sushi is the only thing Asians eat. If he had a second date he had planned on bombing Pearl Harbor together)

4) When You Knew Me When I Was Young

At a younger age I never minded being called Timmy. After all, it’s one of those natural childish boy names. The adults who knew me pre-cynicism are allowed to call me Timmy for the rest of their lives, most of which should be coming to a close soon. These people probably changed my diaper at some point. They can get away with calling me a bad name.

diaper changing(Something tells me that pink baby is not from his loins)

In all other instances you should go with whatever the most common usage of the name is. Never call a Michael a Mikey or Mickey unless asked. Most Samuels prefer Sam, not Sammy. There are female names like this too. Jen is far different from a Jenny. If you meet any of the above requirements, you can call me Timmy. If not call me anything else, just not late for dinner lol!!!!

But really, calling me late for dinner is a dick move. I hate having to walk by everyone after they are already in the middle of shit.

  1. Mikey and Mickey sound a bit guff, but Mike is okay.

    I wonder what happened to those people in the diversity picture? Hunters kill a rhino for his horn and discard the rest, so maybe something similar happened after the photo was taken.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I can’t imagine you having ever been a Mikey or Mickey. A Mike is fine. Michael is one of those strange names where neither Michael or Mike sound wrong.

      And we can only hope…

  2. The Waiting says:

    Names are tricky. I have a friend name Tommy who I knew when we were kids and now he’s apparently trying to get people to call him Tom. Yeah, OK. Occasionally people who I don’t know well think it’s OK to call me “Em” and I have to tell them that they have to buy me at least $200 worth of merchandise from Target to receive this honor. It’s awkward but not really.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I have tried to call people nicknames, like people with a name starting with D as “Dee” but it didn’t last.

      What do they get to call you for $200 worth of Walmart goods?

  3. I’ll stop calling you Timmy then. Baby Angel Boyle instead.

  4. SingingTuna says:

    OK, Michael Mouse it is.

    LOL: “The best revenge I find is calling them something worse behind their back.”

  5. Brother Jon says:

    I completely understand and agree. This also works with Jonathan, Jon and Jonny. Usually when a guy tries to call me Jonny I tell him he has two, too many testicles to be able to do that.

  6. I like to be called Arrrrrr…. but only on speak like a pirate day…

  7. I hate it when people make my name sound little, or at least, make me sound little. I’m tall, smart and indepedent, so please just use my name.
    Also, it sounds weird and too long. My name is a no-go for such jokes.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t even know what your name is so I can only speculate. Unless the person has heard you refer to yourself as a certain name they should never call you it, end of story.

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    Timmy always makes me think of Tim Horton. To me, you will either be Tim, or Mooselicker. I always call someone by the longest version of their name, until told otherwise. I know Jennifers who bristle at being called anything else.

    Speaking of things hockey related, your poor Flyers…and wtf with TB being up top?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Jennifer is one of the ones where it’s okay. Timothy though, it’s so shirt tucked into your pants and nerdy, isn’t it?

      Hey….the Flyers won 1-0 last night. Of course that came after losing 7-0 the night before :-/

  9. Lily says:

    Great post! I love the “hands are gross joke” and the Jon Benet Ramsey joke. I think your captions on pictures are my favorite parts of most of your posts. Which is bad because then it seems like I didn’t read your piece and just looked at the pictures. But if I didn’t read it, I wouldn’t comment. You can trust me Timmy.

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