Batman’s Girlfriends

Posted: November 20, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger


In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Batman Returns-michelle-pfeiffer-michael-keaton

I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman


I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes


Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal


Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

  1. Lily says:

    I like this post mainly because it’s about judging people. Harvey Dent. What a terrible name. I would have to say that Kim Bassinger is the most attractive out of all the Bat-girls in my opinion. But I’m more drawn to the blonde bombshell look, I guess. The rest just aren’t that exciting.

    Also, you make $12 more dollars than I make an hour.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I may make $12 more an hour but you work 1 hour less than I do to make that 12. Let’s call it a draw.

      I think Michelle Pfeiffer was probably my favorite of these. I really always liked the scene where the cats licked the blood off her face. Something oddly erotic about it. Good thing I work with dogs :-/

  2. I would bang all these women except Maggie Gyllenhaal. I can’t get attracted to her even if I force myself. Perhaps because she reminds me too much of a mom? I forgot whose mom was it though. And of all these women I find Gwyneth Paltrow the most beautiful of all. I’ve had a huge crush on her since Shakespeare in Love. And you’re such a guy. :3

    • Mooselicker says:

      Gwyneth Paltrow cannot be killed legally because she is a praying mantis. She has a pretty face. Needs to pack on a few lbs.

      Maggie Gyllenhaal is probably my least favorite too. Has she heard of food? Why do I hate skinny people so much?

  3. Luddy's Lens says:

    Y’know, I’ve got such a conundrum with Maggie Gyllenhaal: I think she does some interesting stuff, but I get so annoyed looking at her. I wish her nose pointed in a more downwardly fashion, or that her upper lip could be redrawn, or something. Too much philtrim going on.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Haha redrawn? I like that.

      MG is a decent actress. She seems too much like a jellyfish to me though. I don’t go to the movies to see the jellyfish. I go to the water zoo for that. (Yes I’m calling aquariums water zoos now)

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