Posted: November 28, 2013 in Uncategorized
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Whenever I hear some people talk about their grandparents I wonder what I did in a past life to get such lame ones. Fond memories of them are very few. I consider myself to have five grandparents total, one not being a blood relative. These people are:

Mom’s Side:

Pop-Pop (dad)

Mom-Mom (mom)

Nanny (Pop-Pop’s second wife)

Dad’s Side:

Grandpa (dad)

Grandma (mom)

So how exactly did they underachieve according to my expectations?

1) Grandpa and Grandma both died before Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. I never met either. To no fault of their own, they had no direct impact on my life whatsoever, other than maybe torturing my orphaned father’s soul. Take your vitamins old people. I missed out on possibly having good elderly kin in my life.

poison-skull-crossbones-medicine-bottle-20332961(Not these pills you old goofs!)

2) Mom-Mom buys the worst holiday gifts. For my birthday I usually get a card with a forged signature from my uncle. For Christmas I usually get different jams or syrups she bought while on a vacation. Two years ago I received Hawaiian honey. Who needs to travel to a beautiful exotic location when you can get their honey brought directly to you?

3) Pop-Pop was a giant racist. That’s not to say he was nine feet tall and hated Serbians. The giant part was in his racial intolerance, not physical stature. The man came from a different era and saw more atrocities than I ever have, having fought on Japan soil in World War II. The closest I have ever come to war was when I was constipated for a week.

activax(The best part in the Halloween movies was when Jamie Lee Curtis was hiding in the closet and then she farted from all of the Activia she was eating and then Michael Myers stabbed her and she shit herself more)

4) Mom-Mom had an obsession with lighthouses for years. Whenever we needed to buy her something, it would be lighthouse related. Then one day she decided she no longer liked lighthouses. What do you get an old-lady who doesn’t like her favorite thing in the world anymore? Probably a coffin. Losing interest in things you used to love is definitely a sign you are dying soon. Three years later, Mom-Mom is still kicking, with the help of a home health aide of course to move her legs.

5) Nanny seduced Pop-Pop when he was married to Mom-Mom and they ran off together. This is totally lame and set off a history in my family of failed marriages. She is a big reason why I have trouble believing in true love. At least she sends me more money on my birthday and Christmas than Mom-Mom does.

cantbuymelove(Sometimes Nanny and I would do this same pose and wear these outfits)

6) The last time I saw Pop-Pop before he passed away he said two incredibly offensive things to me in a single sentence. The sentence, “Hey Tommy, how much do you weigh?” As a fat child, this offended me a lot that he would want to know my weight. As someone not named Tommy, this offended me even more that he could not get my name right.

7) Mom-Mom once took me and my younger sister to Wendy’s for lunch. The place was so crowded that she made us sit at a table with two random old people none of us knew. The male old person yelled at me for taking the tomato off my hamburger. I felt bad about myself. If only I had eaten that one tomato maybe I would not have been so fat.

solarsystem1(A picture of me as a kid. I’m the chubby one in the Neptune Blue shirt)

8) Pop-Pop was a bit of a yeller too. He never raised his voice to a frightening level, but I do remember getting reprimanded for not understanding how elbows do not belong on the table because they will knock my glass of orange juice onto the floor. Pop-Pop knew how to ruin breakfast.

9) For the past however many Christmases, instead of getting my older sister presents, Mom-Mom takes out a chart and knocks off the money my sister owes her. I’m not exactly sure if this chart is physical or mental. I like to think she has it attached to a clipboard hidden away with the Christmas decorations. I would like to think if I ever become a grandfather that I would not hold my grandchildren to their debts.

So do you have cool grandparents or lame ones?

  1. rossmurray1 says:

    Mine were WWI-vintage, well before fun was invented.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Those people were just happy to have gravity.

      • rossmurray1 says:

        Ha! My grandmother used to take ice cream, scoop it out of whatever it came in (cardboard? butter churn?) and remold it into aluminum ice cube trays. So every time we had ice cream at her house, it tasted like metal. Come to think of it, they might have been lead trays. I’m not sure how this ties into your comment about gravity but that might just be the toxic metals talking.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Old people are strange with their utensils. I would never accept ice cream from my grandmother and I’m sure it’s because I have suppressed a memory of having to eat gross food before.

        At least it’s not Chinese lead you consumed. I hear that’s the bad kind.

  2. joehoover says:

    Mine are all dead now, the best one was the one that died 5 years before I was born. That’s how I imagine him to be anyway, whenever I went to my Nan’s house his photo would peer down at us, and I saw his ghost once – or some other ghost pretending to be him.

    My Nan got herself a half blind poodle, they were a perfect match, it used to urinate up my Nan’s leg. My Nan would urinate down her own leg, so it kinda made sense.

    • Mooselicker says:

      A ghost pretending to be someone else? I don’t like that. I’m not going to trust ghosts anymore.

      Your Nan sounds like a very warm woman. Not necessarily at heart, more in leg temperature.

  3. thehobbler says:

    My grandparents are all dead, so… Cool? I guess. 😉

  4. Addie says:

    I started as Gran, but, have morphed into Nan. My grandparents were the best. My grandad taught me to read, told off a teacher that picked on me and made her cry and loved me so much, I never felt sad. His wife cooked quite a bit. My other grandad worked on the railroad and his wife taught me how to grow tomatoes. They all taught me good manners. Sorry, To..Tim, elbows off the table. X

    I love being a Nan. I hope I am a good one, and that Joe and his future siblings and cousins look back on me with love.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Nan is a good name. Gran seems too, elderly? I always think of my Nanny as being younger than the rest. She also dyes her hair the most.

      Joe’s going to be the leader of letting everyone know how cool Nan Addie is. I know it.

  5. SingingTuna says:

    Yowee. Sorry about the icky memories. The good news is that if you live long enough the arteries in your brain will likely turn to sludge and you won’t recall these people anyway. The bad news is you won’t know you can’t remember them.

    I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents. Once I asked my Gram why she looked like a prune. She was very, very shrewd and liked to tickle kids until they cried. I think she liked me but I steered clear of her as much as I could. My grandfather was the funniest man on the planet ever. NO ONE has ever had or will have a better sense of humor. His wit was dry, acerbic, and relentless entertaining. The cool thing was that he spoke very quietly and unless you were paying close attention you had no idea he was verbally eviscerating someone. I spent time with one of his brothers, too, a similarly gifted humorist who could also perform magic tricks.

    Because they lived in the mid-West, I met my paternal grandparents only a couple of times. My grandfather was a high school principal who moved into the attic of his house to escape his wife and 9 children. My grandmother was a woman who didn’t think my Mom was good enough to marry her son. I think she may have been pretty snippy but all I remember clearly is that no one was very happy when she was around.

    They’re all dead now, of course. One of them was born in the early 1890’s.
    Cool? For sure, my Mom’s Dad. The others? Meh.


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