Archive for December, 2013

Out of being a dick and sheer uncreativity, I stole this survey from Lily and decided to fill it out myself.

  • 1:What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? Said “thank you.”
  • 2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No. I traded it for a Pete Rose rookie card only to realize it was Pete Rose Jr. I got. Read the fine print people!
  • 3:Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. There’s a pregnant woman lying a few feet away from me giving birth right now and pleading for my help. I’m only on #3 though.
  • 4:Did anyone close to you die? The pregnant woman I was too busy to help 😦
  • 5:What countries did you visit? Someone accidentally gave me a Canadian quarter so that sort of counts.
  • 6:What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Friendship. Love. Less farts.
  • 7:What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The really big one I found in my date and raisin oatmeal. I posted it on Twitter and got a retweet it was so ginormous.
  • 8:What was your biggest achievement of the year? Rescuing a baby from oncoming traffic.
  • 9:What was your biggest failure? Being the one who threw the baby into traffic during a temper tantrum.
  • 10:Did you suffer illness or injury? The baby’s dad beat me up pretty bad.
  • 11:What was the best thing you bought? Financial security by not buying anything I didn’t really need. Oh and a pair of large novelty sunglasses.
  • 12:Whose behavior merited celebration? Whoever sold that dead guy from Glee the drugs. One at a time…
  • 13:Whose behavior made you appalled? Mine for insulting poor dead celebrities for throwing away their talents and then overdosing on drugs despite having the potential do something good for the world.
  • 14:Where did most of your money go? To fund terrorism.
  • 15:What did you get really, really, really excited about? Death’s cold breath which creeps up on the back of our neck’s each year.
  • 16:What song will always remind you of 2013? “2013” by Bowling for Soup. They’ve pretty much filled the market for songs about every year.
  • 17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? Emotionless, skinny-fat, on a bartering system.
  • 18:What do you wish you’d done more of? Sexual reassignment therapy.
  • 19:What do you wish you’d done less of? Stealing coworker’s lunches and then blaming it on the fat girl who blamed and forced to quit.
  • 20:How did you spend Christmas? I had 4 Christmases like that Vince Vaughn movie. Mine weren’t as much fun. 3 were spent crying.
  • 21:Did you fall in love in 2013? Cannot compute.
  • 22:What was your favorite TV program? Anything with Victoria Justice. So Victorious. That’s the only thing she’s on…
  • 23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes. I met a few new people this year.
  • 24:What was the best book you read? How to Live with a Micropenis by (insert your name here)
  • 25:What was your greatest musical discovery? Uncle Kracker
  • 26:What did you want and get? A terminal illness.
  • 27:What did you want and not get? The fame and popular that comes with having a terminal illness. I just feel weak!
  • 28:What was your favorite film of this year? I only saw one movie that came out this year so by process of elimination it has to be He’s Way More Famous Than You.
  • 29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Mango float.
  • 30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? Trying not to look fat, trying not to have stains, sexually confused metrosexual lumberjack.
  • 31:What kept you sane? 12 doses of “forget it all” pills.
  • 32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The cat from the Fancy Feast commercials. I mean, who’s fancier?
  • 33:What political issue stirred you the most? When Obama wanted to eat all of the white people.
  • 34:Who did you miss? If I say it out loud then they might come back and that’s not good.
  • 35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. You can get pregnant if you do it standing up in a pool, so convince her to open up the butt.
  • 36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “Her placenta falls to the floor.” – Live, Lightning Crashes

I need to come up with some plans for New Year’s Eve. Traditionally this holiday was spent watching movies, eating snacks, and staying up as late as possible. This sounds cool until I look back and realize most New Year’s Eves I have had were very disappointing. Never once did Jay-Z show up and invite me to some rooftop party. When will my life be a movie?

Jay-Z_@_Shawn_'Jay-Z'_Carter_Foundation_Carnival_(crop_2)(Damn it I wish I was this ugly and people felt bad for me and gave me money like what happened to Jay-Z)

Last year I spent New Year’s Eve at my dad’s place. My new apartment had its power shut off because I didn’t bother moving in there until really late in the month despite having ownership since the beginning of December. So at one point I was in possession of two apartments, which sounds pretty cool–the same way I would brag about my dad having two jobs and two girlfriends (not including my mom) when I was younger. Less is not more. Less is just better and not as damaging to a child’s psyche.

In years previous to that alcohol was involved or I abstained from alcohol because I didn’t feel like starting the New Year chewing on my blankets wishing I was dead from a hangover. The worst were the years my sister and I would have parties and none of my friends I told everyone I had would show up. I would usually retreat to my bedroom and watch King of the Hill. At least Bill Dauterive was more pathetic.

bill d(This could very well be my future)

I spent one New Year’s at a friend’s house and I’m not even sure why I was friends with him. I think it was because I needed something to do on New Year’s Eve so I planned it out five years in advance and earned his trust. We didn’t do much and I remember hiding from old high school classmates buying ice cream in the only open place in the town, a 24-hour drug store. I don’t think anything should be open on New Year’s Eve. That’s not fair. People should be allowed to celebrate or have the chance to kill themselves in private.

When I was really young I would engage in the earlier mentioned snacking and movie watching. This was pretty much what I did every weekend anyway. For some reason the only movie I remember watching on New Year’s Eve was Ghosts of Mars. I also remember eating mozzarella sticks while watching it because nothing makes a bad John Carpenter movie better than fried cheese. Hell, nothing is better than fried cheese.

 mozarella sticks(I’d give it all up just to be near you)

This year I have no current plans on what to do. I certainly don’t want to go to Times Square because that’s just asking to stand in the cold alone with high hopes only to be upset with the results. I also can’t stay at home because I don’t have a television. How will I know when the ball has dropped??? Do I need to buy a watch? Take everyone’s word for it?

What will most likely happen is I’ll have a movie marathon at home and eat popcorn because I have been craving popcorn ever since I saw it at the grocery store. Does ever happen to you? Do you ever see food at the grocery store and then remember it exists?

Best of luck to you all in 2014. Except for you. You can die.

The Nazis have a reputation for being bad people. Most of the blame can be placed on the Indiana Jones movies and fact. There is one Nazi in particular who managed to rise above the rest and have his name known more than any others. That man was so powerful he only goes by his last name, Hitler.

hitler_1881083c(I actually made this meme and sent it to a girl. Mostly embarrassed that I made a meme)

I remember in school whenever we learned about the Nazis the teachers would make a list of factors and whether or not you would be killed during the Holocaust. This was not very effective since the majority of my school were Irish and Italians. In my reading class there was one mulatto we determined would have been killed and nobody really liked him any way so the Nazis seemed like a fly stuck in a light; only a minor inconvenience.

Not researching much into Hitler’s personality and basing it more off water cooler conversations I have had on the job, I see how I could easily be mistaken for a Nazi. I have several things in common with Hitler.

1) We both love animals. Hitler was a vegetarian or a vegan. I’m not sure. If you have ever had vegan ice cream you will know only the most evil person in the world could have enjoyed it. I eat meat daily and feel sick if I do not. That still doesn’t change the fact I enjoy animals and so did Hitler. Looks like we have a conversation starter all ready to go.

2) We both idolized a movie character so much we changed our image to reflect them. Hitler was a big Charlie Chaplin fan and stole his mustache. I was such a big fan of Taxi Driver that I got a mohawk like Robert DeNiro. Only a truly insane person would ever do this and I will not argue in favor of either of us being sane enough to function in the real world.

3) We both hate juice. Hitler reportedly killed 6 million juice. I’m not sure if this was measured in liters or by the carton. I’m not even sure why it’s referred to him killing the juice as juice never was alive. I’m not a fan of juice either as most are high carbohydrates and sugary. I’ll drink the juice sometimes, but like Hitler, I prefer white beverages like milk with my breakfast.

4) We both were denied access into art school. Hitler always wanted to be a painter. He sent his work in and they turned him down which eventually led to him becoming the most evil dictator in the world. I never bothered trying to get into an art school. It just sounds interesting. Think of all of the needy girls willing to strip just to be told they are unique and artistic. I could have scored so much. I was denied the access though because I didn’t have the skills or desire.

5) We both have orgasms when we give speeches. I remember hearing from a kid in 5th grade that Hitler had one of his testicles removed because he would get so excited during his speeches he would orgasm. I never had my testicles removed so I still have orgasms whenever I give speeches. I’m just a passionate person. Don’t make fun.

Do you have anything in common with an evil person?

evil person

Or actually I should say Merry Christmas. Not that I don’t respect people who celebrate holidays other than Christmas. I’m just saying, Hanukkah is over and Christmas is tomorrow so clearly when I’m wishing you happy holidays I’m referring specifically to Christmas. Unless of course I am including Kwanza or Boxing Day into the discussion; even New Year’s.

But whatever you celebrate, even if it happened a month ago, have a good one. Or have a bad one. It’s really up to you. So have one.

Still running through things I wrote months ago to post it somewhere online, here’s a very bland review I wrote for a website that never ended up existing about the show The United States of Tara.

When it was announced that Juno writer and former stripper Diablo Cody would get her own television show, people were excited. I never lived in a home with Showtime, HBO, or any of those rich people channels so my reaction was pretty neutral. I had heard of her show The United States of Tara, but never really knew anything about it. Based on a recommendation from a friend who said she enjoyed it, I decided to give this show a try.

diablo cody(A stripper with a tattoo of a stripper on her arm. It’s like when Butt-Head said he was going to get a tattoo of a butt on his butt)

Starring Toni Collette of The Sixth Sense fame (I’m such a bum that is the only thing I knew about her) as Tara, The United States of Tara is about a mother and wife with dissociative identity disorder, the polite way of saying “bat shit crazy.” She assumes the roles of three other people. There’s Alice who behaves like a mother from a 1950s television show, T who is a slutty teenage girl with a foul mouth, and Buck who is a beer and gun loving Vietnam veteran.

taraposter2(Totally Photoshopped. Toni Collette’s boobs are not big at all like they look on T. Plus she’s more horse-faced)

The first season is about Tara and her family’s dealings with her disorder. She has a supportive blue collar husband named Max, an occasionally troublesome yet independent daughter named Kate, and a semi-openly gay son named Marshall. Each of her personalities, or alters as they are called in the show, brings differently problems. The family’s job is to love their mother no matter what and to help her solve these issues. What else is family for? Oh right, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

Another important part in Tara’s life is her sister Charmaine who later on in the series takes on a bigger role. At first she is unsupportive of Tara which seems ridiculous because sisters never disagree about anything! I would know. Both of my sisters hate me.

At times this show can be pretty funny. At other times it can be a little too obsessed with its own worth. During many of the scenes it seemed to me like it was nothing more than Toni Collette showcasing different characters she could play. The character Tara was not only the least interesting despite having this unique disease; she was also one I felt the least empathy for. She reminds me too much of a crazy person telling people she is not crazy. She is crazy. She thinks she’s a Vietnam veteran. She was maybe four when the war happened.

vietnam war(Can you find Toni Collette in this photo?)

The other characters on the show make up for the lack of love I have for Tara. Max shows us what a good husband is. His love for Tara is so unconditional he doesn’t even have sex with her when she transitions into her alters. I feel bad for him at times. He looks reminds me of a defeated man who knows he made a mistake. Patton Oswalt is his best friend though. That’s one thing he has going for him.

My favorite characters on the show however are the children. Kate is constantly having some sort of trouble with someone or somewhere. Her adventures entertained me throughout. From getting her first job and dealing with sexual harassment to making strange videos on the Internet for gifts I fell in love with Kate’s sassy lifestyle. Oh and she’s hot and I hope 18 when this was filmed. Marshall is not too far off either. He’s new to being gay (I hope that didn’t sound intolerant) and watching him fumble through the dating scene is fun to watch. They may be smarter than most kids with wittier dialogue, but there are way too many pieces of them that are genuine to reality.

brie larson(They drink coffee too. I didn’t drink coffee until 4 months ago. Hollywood is energizing our youth!)

I would classify The United States of Tara as a quirky comedy. What else would you expect from Diablo Cody? At times the show can be pretty dark, dealing with subject matter such as rape and molestation. I swear though, it’s pretty much a comedy. The characters are insecure, have awkward moments, and all of this happens while the mother they all love cannot go a day without becoming someone else. Truly this show is about a crazy loving family more than anything else.

The United States of Tara is for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional household and wish there was a camera there to capture the magic that unfolded.

Fantasy baseball is long over and fantasy football will soon join. How will competitive gambling addict deniers continue to get their fix of betting? I have developed an easy game.

The game is Fantasy Falls. You don’t have to know anything about sports to play either. The way it works is you select the total points based on the point system I have created. At the end of the winter whoever is closest wins absolutely nothing because this is not a real game. Oh and I should mention the game centers around how many times I will fall in public this winter while slipping on ice.

Ice-slip-drink

Not even winter, I have already slipped on ice once. I nearly did it again today only feet from my front door. Since I no longer have a car and do walk a lot, there chances of me falling are frequent.

Here is how the point system works out:

1 Point for falling on the way to work

1 Point for falling on the way home from work

1 Point for falling while on the New York side of my commute (less likely so you get a bonus)

1 Point for each body park that touches the ground when I fall

3 Points for every damaged item from the fall

3 Points if someone says something to me

5 Points if medical attention is needed

10 Points if serious medical attention is needed

For my first fall it was on my way to work (1 Point) and my right hand and right knee hit the ground (2 Points). I did drop my umbrella, but no damage was done. No medical attention was needed and there was nothing damaged, including my pants. Nobody said anything either because people are mean and don’t speak good English. So far the total is 3 Points.

Where will it end?

snow(A scene from my walk home today. Nearly fell on my first step outside the building at work)

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)