Unsuccess is not a word. I chose it though because using failure is demeaning and too accurate to my 2013 year. You can’t spell the made up word unsuccess without success. It’s being a little more positive. For instance, I believe the glass is always half empty. The glass is half empty because it started out that way and the end result is an empty glass always. Glass half full means more will be added and even if this were the case eventually the glass would overflow with root beer and that’s the semen of colas. I think it’s because how sticky it is.
Anyway, I want to do a brief review of everything I have unsuccessed at this past year. Yes, I know I should probably say “been unsuccessful at” but I’ve already explained, there’s nothing full or ful about bad news.
I entered a lot of contests this year. It’s odd too because New Year’s Eve I got my first professional review and it was pretty good. I thought this was the year my dreams would come true. Not so fast. I’m a white male living in the worst time period to be a white male. I didn’t bother entering another contest because they look for diverse people and last year I lied and said I was Jewish and had a speech impediment to sound diverse. I had two scripts entered into one contest, neither of which received any awards despite one being absolutely terrific. I failed again with another script for the third year in a row in this contest. I’ve submitted something different every year too. I also stayed within the required page range. What am I doing wrong? And this is the same network that brought us The New Girl I’m entering to.
Other Creative Failures:
Remember when I thought for sure I would be on the radio? Yeah that was silly of me. I’m not sure the guy who won actually got anything out of it. He was probably like me and lied about where he lived and they found out. The worst thing was I failed twice at this. It sucks to fail once. Failing twice is even harder. I can’t even give the “this has never happened before” excuse because it has happened, and twice right there in front of everybody. That really broke my heart because I thought I put on a bigger effort than some of the other douches. And yes they are douches, mostly because they got something I did not.
How quiickly can I sum up my failures with the 3 billion of these things on the planet? The first one I remember failing with was because she took my joke that we should get married too serious I suppose and stopped talking. Another one accused me of biting her, which was total bullshit because she said she would have sex with me if she didn’t like me. What’s a boy to think? The biggest failure was the one who I liked so much I made her last name a password of mine. We got along great and then suddenly she began ignoring me until finally she deleted me from Facebook. So basically I can never say I hope another human being doesn’t get cancer.
Other Writing Failures:
Before I discovered Yahoo, oh wonderful Yahoo and your willingness to accept anything, I tried submitting to College Humor and another website, McSweeney’s or something like that. I don’t know. Nobody reads it. Everything I submitted to both websites were rejected. I submitted a lot too. A daily routine of mine was writing as much for them all morning long until my afternoon jazzercise program. Eventually I gave up because as you can see above, I was getting a little too comfortable with the fail.
Life in General:
Life itself is a fail for me. The worst thing about it is that all of these failures have made me a bad person. I’m not even trying to get people to say “Oh stop! You’re such a sweetie pie.” Not that I would stop you. I find myself through all of these failures becoming bitterer and spiteful which in the end makes me manipulative and unsympathetic. It’s really hard to get me to feel bad for anyone, although I would pretend to do it if I could get something in return. So basically my failings have turned me into a monster. This will turn out well for no one.
What have you failed at this year?
I will also do a follow-up to this with my 2013 successes just so you know I’m not a whiny bitch, which I am but I am trying to manipulate you into thinking I am not.